I don’t believe that I’ll ever fall out of love for her

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have S3 this weekend. He’s not feeling well. I could tell on our drive home from his daycare. We played, had dinner and nestled down for the night. Just after 2:00 a.m. he woke me up saying he was going to vomit. We didn’t make it to the trash can in time. We didn’t even make it to the hard kitchen floor. Poor guy upchucked on the carpet. Before beginning the cleanup, I took his temperature, cleaned him up and laid him back down with fresh blankets. I gave him another dose of medicine for his fever and rubbed his back and head until he fell back to sleep. I’ve been awake keeping tabs on him since.

I miss his mother in times like these. Maybe I’m just being overly emotional, but I wish that we could be together to go through this stuff together. Is it irrational to have very strong feelings for the mother of my Son when so many bad things happened between us? I haven’t seen her face or heard her voice for approximately 6 months.

Perhaps I’m just old fashioned. I believe in parents turning over every stone before parting ways. I understand that that frame of mind doesn’t fit in with societal norms these days, but I am who I am. I wanted to raise this boy with her, not separate from her. My T has told me that it will most likely be better for him to have different dynamics to choose from. Maybe I’m being selfish right now. Maybe I’m still idealizing the good days.

There is no way that we could’ve worked. My C-PTSD and her (what I believe to be) BPD/NPD traits. One of us embracing our situation, looking to the other for support, and the other skirting their past and their actions.

Maybe I’m viewing our Son as the reason why we should be able to somehow make things work. This isn’t ok. I love this little boy more than I can describe here. He has shown me what true love is.

I don’t know how yet to remove his mother from my mind. I believe in the nuclear family. I think that maybe I’m still viewing her through the lens that I saw her through in the beginning. That I still have this hopeful, idealized vision of us. I know it’s over and that there is no going back, but there is still a strong pull.

I wanted things to be different for us from what we experienced while being raised. I’m coming to find out that I didn’t possess the tools to give that to her, nor myself.

Bottom line, she’s the mother of our Son, and I’m having a hard time separating that from she and I not being together with him.

I’m not sure if what I’m feeling is love or an attachment. A trauma bond. Quite honestly, our relationship didn’t feel very loving, and I’m learning through therapy that what I believed to be love is simply a feeling that is familiar to me. My childhood. This is troubling and liberating at the same time. I’m afraid that I will never be able to have an intimate relationship with a woman, but I’m glad that I am finding out why I may not be able to.

[JNChell]

I have S3 this weekend. He’s not feeling well. I could tell on our drive home from his daycare. We played, had dinner and nestled down for the night. Just after 2:00 a.m. he woke me up saying he was going to vomit. We didn’t make it to the trash can in time. We didn’t even make it to the hard kitchen floor. Poor guy upchucked on the carpet. Before beginning the cleanup, I took his temperature, cleaned him up and laid him back down with fresh blankets. I gave him another dose of medicine for his fever and rubbed his back and head until he fell back to sleep. I’ve been awake keeping tabs on him since.

I miss his mother in times like these. Maybe I’m just being overly emotional, but I wish that we could be together to go through this stuff together. Is it irrational to have very strong feelings for the mother of my Son when so many bad things happened between us? I haven’t seen her face or heard her voice for approximately 6 months.

Perhaps I’m just old fashioned. I believe in parents turning over every stone before parting ways. I understand that that frame of mind doesn’t fit in with societal norms these days, but I am who I am. I wanted to raise this boy with her, not separate from her. My T has told me that it will most likely be better for him to have different dynamics to choose from. Maybe I’m being selfish right now. Maybe I’m still idealizing the good days.

There is no way that we could’ve worked. My C-PTSD and her (what I believe to be) BPD/NPD traits. One of us embracing our situation, looking to the other for support, and the other skirting their past and their actions.

Maybe I’m viewing our Son as the reason why we should be able to somehow make things work. This isn’t ok. I love this little boy more than I can describe here. He has shown me what true love is.

I don’t know how yet to remove his mother from my mind. I believe in the nuclear family. I think that maybe I’m still viewing her through the lens that I saw her through in the beginning. That I still have this hopeful, idealized vision of us. I know it’s over and that there is no going back, but there is still a strong pull.

I wanted things to be different for us from what we experienced while being raised. I’m coming to find out that I didn’t possess the tools to give that to her, nor myself.

Bottom line, she’s the mother of our Son, and I’m having a hard time separating that from she and I not being together with him.

I’m not sure if what I’m feeling is love or an attachment. A trauma bond. Quite honestly, our relationship didn’t feel very loving, and I’m learning through therapy that what I believed to be love is simply a feeling that is familiar to me. My childhood. This is troubling and liberating at the same time. I’m afraid that I will never be able to have an intimate relationship with a woman, but I’m glad that I am finding out why I may not be able to.

[pearlsw]

Hi JNChell,

What a touching post you have made here. Your words were really so sweet - how much you love your son, how much hope you had for your ex partner. Reading about you caring for your son in the night I must say is a highlight of my day!

I never got to have kids with anyone. Just wasn't ready in my 20's or early 30's, by the time I was ready I just hadn't met someone who it seemed it would be a good idea to do that with. And because I figured the best part of having a kid, one of the best parts, would be having a great dad for my kid, well, it just didn't happen. So, no kids. Used to fantasize about adoption, but realized without a dad it just wouldn't make my heart sing... .

So, I guess I can say that we don't always get what we might hope for with a partner or in life, and I know how truly heartbreaking that is. But instead of being haunted by the losses I'd redirect you back to what you do have. It sounds like a whole lot of love.   And as loving as what you wrote is I bet you could find a very loving partner that would even be willing to be a part of all that parenting.

I was up for it when I met my current partner. We fought for custody of his kids, but no luck. It made me sad, but I adjusted to not having this in life. It doesn't hurt so much anymore.  Time and more love will heal you I hope!  

with compassion, pearl.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi JNChell,

The vision of you snuggling your little guy back off to sleep made me smile too.  You're a great dad.  I know how hard it can be to have to let go of that ideal family vision.  I still sometimes wish things could have been different (at moments like the one you describe tonight) and it's been 3 years but I do not regret leaving his father and I am 200% happier than I ever was with him.  Which is good for S4.  It's not going to be easy, but it may be less hard than you imagine in the course of time.  They grow and realise for themselves about the ways this benefits them and there are many.  It's the innocent questions that come up out of nowhere that can throw us but you learn to field them in the best way possible for the little guy - and yourself.   

You're possibly always going to love your ex and that is not a bad thing.  That love will change though from the love you feel now.  It will become one which accepts that things would never be as you dreamed, yet you can still care from a distance.
 Some day you may co parent really well together.  Who knows.  Tonight it sucks. 

[JNChell]

Thank you, pearlsw. I feel very grateful. I hope that I can, with my time with him, raise this boy into a good man. Perhaps I’m projecting a bit, but I want for him what I never had. It’s such a fine line between living through our children and guiding them. Maybe it’s only viewed this way from a PSI perspective.  I’d wager that this isn’t even a thought to a person that was raised in a healthy environment. But, we’re dealt what we’re dealt, and that’s ok if we realize it. There is no changing it. I’m beginning to become ok with that.

Unfortunately, this universal sickness started long before us. I don’t mean BPD, I’m generalizing for the moment. Everything evolves. Especially humans from what we know. Evolution is something that must, and will, run it’s course.

When I’m able to step outside of my head and see the things around me and read about the things going on around the world, I’m ok. My Son’s ok. Everything is ok.

Being present was never taught to me. I’m learning it and passing it down to my Son.

[JNChell]

Thanks for your response, Harley Quinn. I understand the 200%. When he’s with me there are no rages and reactions that would upset him. It’s just he and I. The thing is, when I step outside of this and look at it, it’s becoming an epidemic. This single parenting is setting a precedence for our children, and it makes me uncomfortable when I think about my Son’s future. I worry about his world view. His mom and I didn’t set a good example for that.

My love for her feels very calloused. But there is love, I think. That’s the thing. We’re able to have calloused feelings without abandoning an idea that was based on how we feel. Our feelings lead us to address what makes us feel calloused. When we did, we were met with rage and the whole bundle of mind bending attributes.

HQ, thank you. You’ve been through so much, and it humbles me knowing this.

[Harley Quinn]

The thing is, when I step outside of this and look at it, it’s becoming an epidemic. This single parenting is setting a precedence for our children, and it makes me uncomfortable when I think about my Son’s future. I worry about his world view. His mom and I didn’t set a good example for that.

Maybe what we view (because I've also been of this mind) as an epidemic is a new generation of people less prepared to remain in unhappy marriages 'for the sake of the kids'.  If in a good percentage of situations that is to the benefit of the kids then I believe that what we're teaching our kids is that we matter, therefore they too learn that they matter.  In my own situation my parents stayed together through thick and thin.  Did that benefit me?  Not really.  I might have had a much more positive upbringing had they been apart.  I certainly didn't learn the most valuable lessons in life or I wouldn't be in therapy unravelling myself 

Don't forget, we still have life left in us to 'get it right' with someone some day if the right person comes along.  Then we can provide a better example of what healthy love looks like.  For now, I satisfy myself with the fact that I've shown my son I won't accept being disrespected or treated badly.  That's a start.

HQ, thank you. You’ve been through so much, and it humbles me knowing this.

We all have. 

Love and light x

[JNChell]

HQ, I’ve thought about that. In my thoughts I’ve wondered if relationships in the past have been this bad, but kept under the rug. I know that bad relationships have been around for centuries, but do you think that they have been as bad as they are now? Marriage is treated like dating anymore. I will never get married. I see it as state control over a relationship. It’s no longer a sacred bond. If 2 people love each other and choose to commit, that is enough. We don’t need signed contracts that give us permission to cohabitate with someone we love. I believe that it’s nonsense. Religious/political, but this forum isn’t for that discussion.

A new generation is exactly why. The thing is, with each new generation, women and men are being divided by social media, fake news. Basically, radicals. Men are being taught that masculinity isn’t ok. Women are being taught that they don’t need men.

IMHO, women and men coexist for a very evident reason. That reason has been heavily influenced by the powers that be. Now we have MRA groups and radical feminist groups adding fuel to the fire. These have become tireless arguments. I don’t subscribe to either. However, I don’t think that it can be denied how much of an influence that these things have had when it comes to relationships between women and men.,

[MeandThee29]

Your feelings are perfectly fine. You have a history that had some good in it, and a child between you.

This is true at any age. Mine are in college. I was with my oldest at their graduation some months back, and I grieved that their father wasn't there beaming with pride like I was. It truly was the best few days of the year for me as a parent.  There was another single mom there that I chatted with in a similar situation. Proud and sad that the dad wasn't there to see what they had accomplished. There have been other moments like that which would have better together if things were good between us, but that's not how it is. I have to accept that.

Our situation requires being in the moment, taking things as they are. You're a good dad, and I'm a good mom. It's sad when we parent alone, but we're there for our kids. That's important.

[udunnome81]

I understand what you are saying. When I took my vows they meant everything to me. I let myself get beat upon for YEARS, to live up to our vows. But in the end she left for another guy that she hardly knew, who lived 1000+ miles away. I wish I could hate her but I don't. I know she has a problem, and she is in denial.

She is the mother of our 3 boys, who she also abandoned.

I may think to wish her ill sometimes, but honestly I just want to see the best for her. I want her to get the help she needs, so she can be a part of our children's lives, but right now I don't see that happening. Here's to praying for her... .

She will always be in my heart, but I have to keep it buried and detached, because she is not good for me or my health.

[Harley Quinn]

In my thoughts I’ve wondered if relationships in the past have been this bad, but kept under the rug. I know that bad relationships have been around for centuries, but do you think that they have been as bad as they are now?

In answer to your question, I acknowledge for myself that I and many of us here are children born of an era that really didn't speak very openly of mental illness.  Mental illness is not a new thing and that in itself must have had a huge impact on where we find ourselves now as a population over past generations, even without the explosion of SM and mutual wariness of the opposite sex that you validly raise we now have to contend with.  Especially as it was historically widely socially expected regardless of faith that people who married would remain so for life.   

As MeandThee29 has said, there are many sad moments in single parenting.  We can only accept that as the way it is.  I took S4 to his new school for an introductory stay and play session recently.  He'd really been looking forward to both his parents being with him for that evening and it was really important to him.  His father didn't turn up.  Little one was hurt and disappointed because it had been promised so I hid my sadness for him and made sure he had a great time.  It's all we can do.  But then no parent, married or otherwise, gets everything right all of the time.  I'm sure that 'ideal' families have their share of situations.

When I think of my son's father now it is only with a tinge of sadness at the love I had once for him which is gone and further sadness about the belief I once held that he could be the man I thought he was capable of being.  It has been 3 and a half years though.  I hope in fact that you're able to retain an, albeit different to previously, sense of loving compassion for your ex as your son's mother and have some confidence in her capability.  It will be much easier for you as his dad that way. 

Love and light x
       

[Clearmind]

You’re an awesome dad. I had to fall in love with myself so to speak in order to fall out of love with my ex. I loved myself to know he wasn’t what I wanted or needed.