Follow up on daughter booted a year ago

[ParentBPDgirl]

Last March or April we told my 20 year old daughter with severe BPD and other issues to leave. I posted then and she did.  Iv
E ghosted here for a while reading up on everyone. My house became peaceful last year. I have a ds that has some issues and he’s doing well and making progress since she’s been gone. We started having family dinners. I started to get my life back. It’s been a whirlwind though so I never posted back. In October after she quit her job she landed in a hospital for cutting and after some major drama involving us all helping her clear out her apartment (a horrible mess) and leaving in one night (bad living situation with her ex) my in-laws took her in. 
She ended up getting eviction fines because her ex-bf took off too. Six months with them and they told her it was time for her to go since she was getting too manipulative and not working. They did a lot for her - signed her up for services, drove her to interviews and picked her up from the bus stop at night - and she complained! she wanted to come home and we said no. They didn’t charge her rent so she could save for a down payment and she spent all her money. She never pays bills either.  So she moved in with a friend and her mom and something happened to trigger her. She lost her job, went to the hospital but was vague on why, and now I’m waiting for what seems to be inevitable for these kids - getting kicked out with nowhere to go. The frustrating thing is the level of services she would have if only she’d show up. I guess I’m preparing for the inevitable in the next few months where my only offer is to drive her to a shelter. We can’t have her here - I won’t live with someone who is that emotionally abusive - I can see how it would escalate and how it would destroy the rest of us. It’s frustrating to love someone and want to help but instead have to say “we’re sorry - you have to do the work now.” We would help her toward positive steps but she believes still that everyone should  Take the stress of life away until she’s ready. She is the horse that was brought to the water and refuses to drink while crying about thirst.

The thing is I don’t regret having her leave because I still believe she won’t get help until she sees it as an only option and she’s not abusive to non family members (that I know of) And I see all these BPD kids at 23 and 33 and 43 doing the same things my daughter is doing and feel sad for this lost group.  I’ve never seen someone self sabotage so many times. She won’t even finish the process for disability. Ugh. We have no way to help her because she won’t help herself at all and we already know she won’t live by our boundaries.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi ParentBPDgirl  

Welcome back, it's good to hear from you.

Perhaps the shelter is the best place for your daughter, they have experience to help people take on their responsibilities, and here I'm thinking her engaging with the services you say she's entitled to and receiving the support she needs - 'drink the water'. Other parents may have experience to share with you. You'll see jones54 journey to the shelter.

I think you are right, sometimes it has to be the only option left to affect change. My DD arrived at that point, where she had to help herself.

You say she believes still everyone should take the stress of life away until she's ready. What does ready mean to her … ready for what?

WDx

[Huat]

Hi ParentBPDgirl.  I'll join Wendydarling in welcoming you back.

It might be hard for some parents to understand how you are handling the situation with your daughter... .but none of us really walk in another's shoes.   As Wendydarling writes... ."sometimes it has to be the only option left to affect change."

You mention that you also have a son "who has some issues and he's doing well and making progress since she has been gone."  Too many times the "squeaky wheel" gets more than their fair share of attention, robbing the rest in the family of the attention they need/deserve.

Long-story-short, the time came for us to draw a line in the sand with our uBPD daughter, too.  Ours is an ultimatum... .any future contact has to be in a counsellor's office.  So far that hasn't happened.  I do so understand when you write... ."My house became peaceful last year."   Our lives have become peaceful, also.

I certainly don't mean to say that this is the answer for all parents.  I wish it could have been different for us.

((HUGS)  to you, ParentBPDgirl.  Glad you are back.

Huat

[ParentBPDgirl]

Thanks Wendydarling and Huat.
 Being ready for life for her means not having to work or do chores or go to school or learn a trade or go to therapy until she feels emotionally ready. Ie never.

I haven’t heard from her and I suspect her phone isn’t working. This is a mixed blessing. I do check her bus card to make sure there’s money for trips to her doctor as I promised but we won’t do more - she needs to learn her disorder is real and also not a free pass from life. I know she suffers.

I wish it were different for us, too, there’s too many of us with these children who seem to be so lost.

Most people in my family have no idea any of this is going on. (My husbands family is involved and helps where they can).

I’ll stay connected and update but for now I suspect she’s in between a place to stay and getting booted.

[Feeling Better]

Hi there ParentBPDgirl

I just want to say how much I admire your strength of character and I find your level of acceptance truly inspiring.

I wish it were different for us too, as you say, so many kids that seem to be lost, it’s so hard on us parents, wanting to do all that we can for our kids and ending up being frustrated and hurt by their unreasonable behaviour. If only they could open their eyes and see it, but of course they can’t.

Sounds as though you are getting good support from your husband’s family, but what about your family? Any reason why people in your family remain unaware of what is going on?

Hope you decide to stick around and keep us updated x 

[loveandcare]

Hi Everyone -

Oh my goodness, we have so been here too! It is so, so difficult. The services our DD18 has had the opportunity to have - and she snubbed them all. Well, she went because we took her, but wouldn't engage, wasn't interested, unmotivated, "nothing helps" attitude. We've tried every med under the sun to no avail because she refused to go higher than a low dose "it doesn't work" (well, no s*** - it won't on minimum dose... .AGH!). In a nutshell we have tried everything and anything. Must have tried 10 different therapists, several psychs, case workers, everything... .and now she's 18, she won't engage at all.

Her days were spent sleeping until later afternoon, then staring at her screen, moping in her room, up at night, then repeat. Hardly any engagement with us. Sullen and grumpy. No outside activities, no friends. Nothing.

She got upset because we said she had to pay rent, but sabotaged any job she got (which was only 2 or 3 anyway). Started smoking drugs. We spent months going thru detox, specialized doctors, etc. only for her to start taking them again.

We've drawn a line - get help, or leave and use drugs. She chose to leave. I am heart-broken, and yet there is so much peace now. It's a double edged sword.

I have no idea what she intends to do - I will not support a druggie lifestyle, and to live here she cannot use and needs to be doing more than sleep and bring a dark cloud into the house. It's so tragic. I can only assume she will end up homeless or working on the streets. It is awful.