Misery loves company

[Cromwell]

Im not going to bore anyone with a multitude of examples, what I established is that I was in a relationship with a woman who was miserable to the core, yet did an award winning act of hiding it. Unable to attain her own sense of happiness, she 'obtained' it vicariously. The next best thing.

Everything I tried; introduce new hobbies, lavish with gifts, go on holidays - display affection, kindness.

All of these things on a mission to stop the whining, stop the feeling sorry for herself, use my own energy to bolster anothers mood.

She did an expert performance of trying to display joy, whilst I was living it.

Was this a relationship of simply trying to cure someone's state of depression - it would appear to the layperson as nothing more than that.

Unable to attain happiness, and this is beyond depression it is rooted to the core of her being, her sabotaging the relationship when I was at the height of happiness, everything felt on the surface great - I was forcefully brought down to come down and waste away with her - join her in her personal hell. If she couldnt be happy, neither could I - loving her meant sharing that misery, ideally, becoming as miserable as she was.

It took me a long time to realise and understand - it is part of the pathology - it is desperately sad.

Misery loves company - will you continue to offer your services?

[RomanticFool]

This is very true Cromwell. I remember one time when my life was going particularly well in LA before the devaluing stage kicked in. My ex used to email me with feedback on my reports of how much I was enjoying life out there. The gist of her emails were that she was angry with my happiness while she was suffering. When I asked what was causing her suffering, back then I used to kid myself that she was wishing she was with me, she would reply that life is generally awful, that her kids don't treat her with any love, that her husband never talks to her and that she was in financial disarray. Even back then I knew the financial thing was nonsense because she has a trust fund income and always has had. I basically boiled her entire diatribe down to the fact that she was resentful I wasn't joining her in the miserable space. Back in those days I refused to allow her negativity to infect me and also knew that the next time we spoke she would have a completely different attitude. In my ex's case her disorder makes her emotions fast changing and almost always negative about something. It's usually just the perceived source of the misery that changes.

[Cromwell]

back then I used to kid myself that she was wishing she was with me,

Well id say you were right, only for not the reasons you would have hoped for?

Certainly my case, I equated her longing to be constantly in my company, checking up where I was non stop as a sign of love or at the very least, liking someone to a heavy extent. When I reported here that it was excellent rapport, great company, it took time to look back at it more objectively and to realise that I was that happy because I was induced into that belief that the situation was like - however it really wasnt.

What I was good at is distracting her, comforting her, changing her mood from despair and it bought her a number of hours until it wore off - always when it was time for me to leave her, is when the antics would start, more to the point im pretty sure on many occassions she went elsewhere to find distraction such as when I was working.

The whole reason I ended up hurt was a result of just another one of her coping mechanisms to allay this emptiness/misery state: the creation of drama which she did when disinhibited by drugs and or alcohol. I was working towards a quiet, peaceful at the same time fulfilled life via family, friends, hobbies and the normal run of the mill components that lead to a balanced life. Unknown to me, this represented to her as suffocating - without the adrenaline rush of arguments, cheatings, fighting - to mask this emptiness, uplift the mood in a negative way - my goals although she rationalised them as things she wanted; no amount of money, good quality lifestyle or solid family and friends would placate her - proving love meant letting her act-out in destructive ways, splitting up from her, but always returning being a key element. I gave her nearly all my attention - assuming this was what was deprived of - it wasnt enough, it had to incorporate negative attention, something she learned worked from an early age.

My returning for each recycle just became learned-behaviour confirmation that the tactic still works into adulthood. What she hasnt learned is historically, every other partner she had she drove to their limits, as she did mine. She was enabled each time and will continue to do so; she is attractive enough to find someone - anyone - who will put up with it, there is plenty out there willing to take on the role until they get depleted.

She takes (Self) pride in exclaiming how long our relationship went - I see it as a terrible reflection on myself, lack of self esteem and a badge of dishonor as opposed to some sort of endrance related prize. When I compare with those who have went not for years but decades, marriages, kids, it is mind boggling the level of mental strength that must be deployed to sustain and endure, I take my hat off to those who can cope with that without cracking up.

[zachira]

I don't know if what I am about to say will be of any help. I certainly agree that people who are miserable seem to try to make others miserable, at least in the case of my BPD mother and my father. My BPD mother always talked about how unhappy she was in her marriage, most of it behind my father's back. She did the same with her boyfriend after my father died. Neither man seemed to be aware of how unhappy she was with both of them, and she really did not have anything to complain about, as both men did everything to make her happy. I cannot imagine how it would have felt for both of these men, if she had really told them how she felt and dumped all her chronic unhappiness and blaming others in their faces.
My heart goes out to all the men on this site having to deal with a woman that is never happy with you no matter how much you do for her. I read your posts and think of my dad and my mother's boyfriend and how they would do anything for my mother and she did not appreciate any of the things they did for her. Both of these men certainly deserved better, a woman that would appreciate them and all their generosity in the relationship, and so don't all of you.

[Husband321]

Not sure if this is related, but mine NEEDED chaos to feel normal.

If we were dating she was anxious I would leave... .She wanted to marry... Once married she felt claustrophobic in the relationship... She had to run... Once she was gone and I didn't chase, she would do anything on earth to come back.

I looked at it as she is scared, confused, and so in love with me it is driving her mad... Thats how she explained it ... Also, her father passed away, a previous divorce was fresh, custody issues with kids, etc... So I was justifying it like this...

After she left in December she has moved to 4 different states... 4 times within 7 months... Visit a state, search for a home, rent it, furnish it, then vanish to another state within a month... Not sure why or exactly what that is, but she cannot ever find peace or be stable.

[Cromwell]

Not sure if this is related, but mine NEEDED chaos to feel normal.

If we were dating she was anxious I would leave... .She wanted to marry... Once married she felt claustrophobic in the relationship... She had to run... Once she was gone and I didn't chase, she would do anything on earth to come back.

I looked at it as she is scared, confused, and so in love with me it is driving her mad... Thats how she explained it ... Also, her father passed away, a previous divorce was fresh, custody issues with kids, etc... So I was justifying it like this...

After she left in December she has moved to 4 different states... 4 times within 7 months... Visit a state, search for a home, rent it, furnish it, then vanish to another state within a month... Not sure why or exactly what that is, but she cannot ever find peace or be stable.

The same happened once to me, but im not sure how much she either would have the resources to have followed through with it rather than the intent. It could equally have been a test to see my reaction - but she - out of nowhere said "i want to have this week with you completely because I might be moving away for good (to a city 400 miles away).

I was completely taken aback by the lack of emotion about it, said in a monotonous nonchalant way, I responded by saying to her eventually "wherever you go, you take yourself with you".

She ended up not going afterall, in hindsight she probably had contacted someone online and had got ideas of a new life, a new city, a new personality to emulate. For whatever reason, maybe even my non-emotional response or reaction, it never happened.

There is also a link with sociopathy and the need for what is termed a "high stimulus response", a need to put self into dangerous circumstances. Think along the lines of someone desiring to go on a car touring holiday in an area that has recently being televised as a war zone. Beyond the self harm she was engaged in but had stopped in that form, it didnt escape my mind how much of the scenarios she put herself into - the hospitalisations, the injuries, the dangerous encounters -  sabotaging all that was trying to safeguard her in life - was this acting out a subconcious 'death desire'?

[Husband321]

The same happened once to me, but im not sure how much she either would have the resources to have followed through with it rather than the intent. It could equally have been a test to see my reaction - but she - out of nowhere said "i want to have this week with you completely because I might be moving away for good (to a city 400 miles away).

I was completely taken aback by the lack of emotion about it, said in a monotonous nonchalant way, I responded by saying to her eventually "wherever you go, you take yourself with you".

She ended up not going afterall, in hindsight she probably had contacted someone online and had got ideas of a new life, a new city, a new personality to emulate. For whatever reason, maybe even my non-emotional response or reaction, it never happened.

There is also a link with sociopathy and the need for what is termed a "high stimulus response", a need to put self into dangerous circumstances. Think along the lines of someone desiring to go on a car touring holiday in an area that has recently being televised as a war zone. Beyond the self harm she was engaged in but had stopped in that form, it didnt escape my mind how much of the scenarios she put herself into - the hospitalisations, the injuries, the dangerous encounters -  sabotaging all that was trying to safeguard her in life - was this acting out a subconcious 'death desire'?

Wow. The similarities are almost exact.

While married she also told me, emotionless "I don't like our state anymore.  I am moving to state x"

The first time I was like "what about us? How can you do this?"  I was completely shocked by her lack of emotions   She moved , paid for another lease, and moved back within a week.

Near the end she told me she felt she is a sociopath.  Almost proud of it.

She also started to smoke weed.  She would drive our new Porsche to the worst area of the inner city, get out of the car, and talk to crack heads about where to buy weed.  Sometimes even giving them a ride to a drug house.

After the marriage I started talking to her ex husband.  They have 2 kids together.

He told me she would do the same in every city they moved to. Buy drugs in the worst part of town, no fear at all.

He also told me during their 10 year marriage, when he would travel for work, he discovered she was having men all around the country fly her in to see her. She was sleeping with neighbors, old men, younger men, women.  He said she left him atleast 40 times.

Now he might be the guy who needs to work on himself .  I think he still wants her.

[RomanticFool]

Everybody needs to work on themselves Husband321, otherwise you need up repeating cycles of behaviour.

[SerendipityChild]

She takes (Self) pride in exclaiming how long our relationship went - I see it as a terrible reflection on myself, lack of self esteem and a badge of dishonor as opposed to some sort of endrance related prize. When I compare with those who have went not for years but decades, marriages, kids, it is mind boggling the level of mental strength that must be deployed to sustain and endure, I take my hat off to those who can cope with that without cracking up.

I agree with you on this. What does that make us? Are we fools? For five years he put me on a roller coaster ride. I am still in deep withdrawals. If I could only fast forward the time to be in that place where I don't have to think of him. Funny, I actually am contemplating on hypnosis to see if it will help. Lol.