I’m new and I’m not sure I’m strong enough.

[BattleMercy]

My wife and I have been married for almost 11 years, we have two kids in elementary school.  We’ve had ups and downs in our relationship, but for the past 2 years or so the bottom has fallen out.  I’ve come to the realization that she has BPD and she will be starting DBT next week.
I’ll spare you the details, but about 8 months ago I started therapy at her insistence to deal with my “anger issue”.   I did a mindfulness based cognitive therapy and it’s been very effective.  I’m generally happier and better able to deal with stress.  Unfortunately, it didn’t make my marriage better. It actually seemed like things were getting worse.   My therapist recommended that we do couples therapy, but I was reluctant.  We had tried it in the past and it hadn’t worked, because my wife wasn’t willing to accept responsibility for any part of our problems.  I didn’t see any reason to think this time would be different. Eventually though it got so bad that I figured either she would see the pain she was causing me and take some responsibility, or I could get out knowing that I had done everything I could to try to save the marriage. 
It went pretty much as I expected. Every time I tried to open up she would get defensive and shut down.  It was very frustrating for me. She just didn’t seem to have any concern for my pain.  I just assumed that she had fallen out of love with me and there wasn’t anything else left to do. 
I posted on Reddit venting my frustration and sadness, and she saw it and had something of a meltdown.  She tried to check herself into a couple of inpatient hospitals but she wasn’t crazy enough.  Finally she told me she had decided to start DBT.  She wouldn’t tell me what that was or what she thought she needed it for.  It seemed to me at the time that she was just trying to avoid responsibility again.  I talked to my therapist this week and he told me that it was probably BPD and recommended I read “I hate you, don’t leave me”.  Reading that book was a revaluation.  It made so much stuff make sense.  I think it’s clear that’s what’s going on. 
At first I was relieved to have a name for the problem and hope that she would get treatment.  Now I’m starting to get overwhelmed by some of the revelations about what i have to do and who I have to be going forward.   It’s nice to know that her seeming utter unconcern with me or my feelings is part of her devaluation phase. It’s a symptom of her illness not reality.  At the same time, it’s really hard to know that the fairytale crazy-in-love period that I wanted back was also a symptom of her illness.  It’s so powerfully seductive, I’m not sure what to do if it returns.   And in general I’m not sure I can be that solid, unwavering, rock of support  that it seems like I need to be.  I have to be that for my kids already, I don’t want to have to parent my wife too.
Any help or support would be much appreciated.
Thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

 And in general I’m not sure I can be that solid, unwavering, rock of support  that it seems like I need to be.  I have to be that for my kids already, I don’t want to have to parent my wife too.
Any help or support would be much appreciated.
Thanks

Hi BattleMercy,



I hear that you are worried! One thing to keep in mind is that this is a spectrum disorder so there are variations in the scale of this, if that helps you worry less, or at least gauge what you might be in for.

The good news, well, you've already delivered it! She is doing DBT and that could make a difference. So, be glad for that I'd suggest.

The next piece of this is you. Yes, this is going to take some self work, but we're here to help you with that if you stick with us. This site itself serves as a tool for helping you to learn about and practice the skills and share them and your experiences with others. This could be part of your overall plan to manage with things.

I can't say how things will go for you, but there are success stories. We also share our struggles and help to pick up each other up when we are down.

How many of the symptoms does she have? Which ones have you noticed/experienced?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Harri]

Hi BattleMercy and welcome to the board.  You are in a great place to speak with people who are in similar situations and to learn tools that can help you cope in addition to what you are already doing in your own therapy. 

DBT is supposed to have excellent results when the person is diligent in applying their skills.  I understand your hesitation and lack of desire to parent your wife.  That makes sense.  Right now, I would suggest to just keep taking care of yourself in therapy, posting here in your own threads and in others and just try to focus on today.  DBT skills take a while to learn and apply consistently.  The fact that she is even willing to go is great but she has to stick it out and apply them.  So try to hang loose and see how things go.  You don't need to make any decisions today or even tomorrow or next week.  So try to just Be. 

We have lessons listed on the right hand side of the page so check them out.  one that I think you may benefit from the most is Wisemind (Triggering and mindfulness and Wise Mind) 

Wise Mind is that place where reasonable mind and emotion mind overlap.  It is the integration of emotion mind and reasonable/logical mind.

  I am not recommending this because I think you are being too emotional or too logical but rather, if you are anxious (and who wouldn't be?) learning mindfulness and using wise mind can help you center yourself and just accept your feelings without judgement.  It takes some practice but even just a few minutes a day can help.

I hope you keep us posted.  I am glad you came here.  I can't tell you how much this board has helped me over the years.  Starting my own threads, posting in other peoples threads all helped me to organize my thoughts, get a handle on my emotions and most importantly, I was able to build an incredible support network of people who have similar circumstances, something that is vital as you navigate your way through this relationship.

Take care. 

[BattleMercy]

How many of the symptoms does she have? Which ones have you noticed/experienced?

wishing you peace, pearl.

Thanks Pearl. 

I suppose that she has all of the symptoms.  She doesn't have the wild mood swings and emotional outbursts, instead she tends to shut down emotionally and withdraw.  Instead of screaming and yelling she just disappears and/or gets robotic, and denies that anything is wrong.   Unless she has been drinking in which case anything can happen.  She has said and done very hurtful things to me, and engaged in very risky behavior while drunk.  She has had a few blackout incidents in the past few months, and accused me of trying to control her life when I brought up my concerns.  I think she realized that she has a problem though and has really cut back on the amount she drinks.  I mean she still drinks everyday, but she hasn't had a blackout or become out of control in the past month or so, at least not around me. 

Looking back its pretty easy to see the periods of idealization and devaluation in our relationship and in the relationships with her close girlfriends.   And she does it with our kids as well, but to a lesser extent.  She also engages in a lot of black and white thinking, which seems like a similar symptom.   I think a lot of the problems with our marriage has to do with an inaccurately negative view of who I am, and a resultant lack of trust and refusal to give me the benefit of the doubt.  Basically it seems like she always thinks I'm lying to her or trying to manipulate her in some way.   It's been frustrating, because there just didn't seem to be any way to get rid of that impression in her mind.  Arguing obviously doesn't work but, when I open up and allow myself to be vulnerable she just sees it as another means of manipulating her and doubles down on the cruelty.   I was going crazy and starting to doubt myself.  I assumed that if I changed whatever it was that caused her to feel this way about me her feelings would change, and she would love me again.  She just kept moving the goalposts though.  I'm actually really glad that she insisted I go to therapy, because it's been really helpful for me to stay sane and regain a sense of my own identity. 

I've noticed also that she has a shifting sense of identity and adapts like a chameleon to whatever social group she is around.  Frankly, I always saw that as one of her strengths.   

[pearlsw]

Hi BattleMercy,

Thank you for sharing more about you and your life with your partner. I am sorry you have had to experience hurtful things! I am glad to hear that the therapy made a difference for you. Yes, I think a lot of people with BPD want to blame their partners and will often say it is the partner that has the mental illness not them.

What was different about the past two years may I ask? What got her to want to start DBT therapy? Was there some precipitating event?

Is this having a big impact on your kids?

sincerely, pearl.

[BattleMercy]

Hi BattleMercy,

Thank you for sharing more about you and your life with your partner. I am sorry you have had to experience hurtful things! I am glad to hear that the therapy made a difference for you. Yes, I think a lot of people with BPD want to blame their partners and will often say it is the partner that has the mental illness not them.

What was different about the past two years may I ask? What got her to want to start DBT therapy? Was there some precipitating event?

Is this having a big impact on your kids?

sincerely, pearl.

The past two years have been pretty stressful for us.  We went through a major renovation with our house for which we had to move out for 6 months.  At the same time her work environment became very toxic and she was dealing with an alcoholic boss who would disappear for weeks at a time and leave her in charge with little guidance or support.  She ended up leaving that job for one making more money, but she also works longer hours now and has a longer commute.   She also has higher expectations at her new job and I think she frequently feels like she can't live up to them.   She's very smart and hard working and I think she does a great job at what she does, but she just has this nagging insecurity, like impostor syndrome on steroids.
 
I started my own business about 2 and half years ago, and so that's an additional area of stress for me/us since I don't have a guaranteed paycheck coming in every month although so far I've been able to pay myself every month.   This has caused a bit of a change in our parenting dynamic since I'm the "default parent" now as I have a lot more flexibility and can work from home most days of the week.   I don't know if that's causing her any additional stress or not though, but it is a change.

As far as what made her seek treatment, I'm not 100% sure because she hasn't really told me.   I'm guessing that she read what I wrote on Reddit and had some flash of insight that maybe what I had been telling her was real and not just me trying to manipulate her.  Maybe she realized that I was nearing the end of my rope and didn't know how much longer I could stay in this relationship if something didn't change.  Again I can't really say. 

[pearlsw]

Hi BattleMercy,

I see. How commendable that you've started your own business and are able to make it self-supporting. That is indeed impressive, and I wish you much success with that!

It does sound there was a lot of stress in these last years. I must say though, that your story is really an exception! I don't often hear stories here of partners recognizing there is a problem and then rushing off to get help. I think this is a very good sign.

The other piece to focus on is you and how you feel. So you are assessing what you might want to do about this? Not sure if you can stay in the relationship? Have you read this: Being An Emotional Caregiver

How would you feel about taking on this role?

sincerely, pearl.

[BattleMercy]

How would you feel about taking on this role?

sincerely, pearl.

Conflicted.  I'm not sure that I can do it.   It seems like a lot of pressure, and I've got my own problems with emotional regulation and impulse control.  I'm working to manage that, but I'm far from perfect.   At the end of the day, I suppose that it's just something that I'm going to have to do as best as I can.  There just doesn't seem to be much other option if I want to keep my family together and as emotionally healthy as possible.

[udunnome81]

I agree... .my experience is when BPD is faced with the idea that they might have an issue, especially after hearing it from a T, the pwBPD projects and then discards... .