Feeling worthless, then selfish.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I guess several things kinda just stacked up today, no rage, really, just can’t determine if I am wrong for feeling hurt here.

H makes leather crafts.  He’s good.  For years, when we’ve gone to our one trip a year, the ten fest, he’s worked on making much of his own stuff (I do all sewing, his, anyone who needs it, plus mine, and have likewise built my own stuff, mostly with no help), and has gotten good enough to charge for his work.

For the last several years, he’s stressed himself, putting some friends ahead of himself in priority, because he worried their feelings would be hurt if he did not make them things.  He’s given away probably over 1K in items made, stressing the whole time.

For years, I’ve insisted it’s ok to not make them new things.  They don’t pay him, often don’t take care of them, and some friends only wear them part of the day at th faire, which hurts his feelings.  I told him make his stuff first get it done. 

Last year, he finally maybe learned his lesson. He made (with minimal help from me in the latter , and much more help from his closest friend) a leather corset for this one couple.  They did a little of the work, like 10%, and that was only because you have to get it wet and wear it a bit halfway into the process.  Anyway, this couple tried to claim all credit, as if they made it, posting pics online, telling people in person at local crafts shows.  We have done some damage control since, but it will always, thanks to BPD and an inability to pigeon hole memories, hurt H.

This year, partly to show he did the work, H stated he wanted to make a leather corset for me, and one for his best friends wife.  This is the friend who both helped with the other one, who drove me to my. mri, they are good people.  I tell him I’m okay wearing an old costume I’ve worn before, 1000plus hand sew scale warrior lady, don’t worry about me if it saves stress.  He tells me to stop ‘being a martyr’ that he wants to do it, that he plans to make one to show he can, so it will either be for me, or for sale.  I say, ok, if that’s not going to add to your stress.  I start trying to think about designs, but get a little stuck. 

So, we make plans, rough some design, but h won’t give me input or help in the design for mine.  He just give me a deadline, and the other couple help.  Ok.  Not unusual.  He does this. 

He has a freak out melt down about June.  He yells at me for stressing him by de,adding he make me a corset.  I never did any such thing.  I remind him it was his idea (jade, I know) and he should not be mad at me for his idea.  He tries to MAKE it my fault still, ranting how I need to let him do it so he can prove couple from last year didn’t do it, he did.  I say, so you want to ‘1up them’ that’s not my fault, it’s not me making a demand on you.  He flipped out for several days on that comment, it was suddenly the most insulting thing ever. 

He moved on, we started work, got the corset going and about 75% done in about 30 hours of H and his friend working on it.  Meanwhile, thinking mine was next, I finalized a design, and saw some leather bracelets I liked, but while he said he could make them,  he would again, not help me draw the, out on paper to fit me.  So, he used my sketch, ignored my questions about not being sure it was right, and then got mad it was off.  So, I’m told there is no time for me, he can only do one big project a year, and I just need to plan on my old costume, and ‘put my money where my mouth is, since I don’t want him stressed or 1 upping people’.

And he repeats it before bed.  So now, I am kind sitting here, can’t sleep, feeling like I am simply just not worth effort.  I have sewing by hand or machine every stitch on his stuff, save some on a helmet his best friend did.  He has made me in 20years: one very awesome headband 8 did 50% of the work on.  2 hip pouches.  One vinyl left waist clincher that did not fit, years ago, he took no input from me.  I have sewhim things every single year.  He has made the ungrateful friends each an item for the last several years.  They are worth effort.  I am not. 

H showed me some items he’d added to the craft supplies.  He bought stuff to make me jewelry, never did, kept it hidden so he could make me a few gifts.  Adding it to the supplies means he never will.  I’m not worth the effort.

Add to this some repressed feeling about childhood memories coming to me, neglect, simply not being worth effort. 

And my office has a System rep who came last the week before last.  I’d sent him a plan for the upcoming year, for feed back. In person, he started to critique it, admitted he’d not read it yet, then left.  Thursday I got pretty rough feedback, it’s not good enough, I have till next Monday to revise it.  And I get to talk to my boss about it tomorrow.  I want to cry so much.  So much.

Am I stupid for being hurt, when I DID say it’s okay to not work on stuff for me?  He waited till I was excited and had a final plan to shut me down.  I feel like a fool.  Life has taught me pretty much if I can’t do it all in my own, to not do it.  If I need somone else to help, they will let me down.  I should have known better. 

[isilme]

I guess several things kinda just stacked up today, no rage, really, just can’t determine if I am wrong for feeling hurt here.

H makes leather crafts.  He’s good.  For years, when we’ve gone to our one trip a year, the ten fest, he’s worked on making much of his own stuff (I do all sewing, his, anyone who needs it, plus mine, and have likewise built my own stuff, mostly with no help), and has gotten good enough to charge for his work.

For the last several years, he’s stressed himself, putting some friends ahead of himself in priority, because he worried their feelings would be hurt if he did not make them things.  He’s given away probably over 1K in items made, stressing the whole time.

For years, I’ve insisted it’s ok to not make them new things.  They don’t pay him, often don’t take care of them, and some friends only wear them part of the day at th faire, which hurts his feelings.  I told him make his stuff first get it done. 

Last year, he finally maybe learned his lesson. He made (with minimal help from me in the latter , and much more help from his closest friend) a leather corset for this one couple.  They did a little of the work, like 10%, and that was only because you have to get it wet and wear it a bit halfway into the process.  Anyway, this couple tried to claim all credit, as if they made it, posting pics online, telling people in person at local crafts shows.  We have done some damage control since, but it will always, thanks to BPD and an inability to pigeon hole memories, hurt H.

This year, partly to show he did the work, H stated he wanted to make a leather corset for me, and one for his best friends wife.  This is the friend who both helped with the other one, who drove me to my. mri, they are good people.  I tell him I’m okay wearing an old costume I’ve worn before, 1000plus hand sew scale warrior lady, don’t worry about me if it saves stress.  He tells me to stop ‘being a martyr’ that he wants to do it, that he plans to make one to show he can, so it will either be for me, or for sale.  I say, ok, if that’s not going to add to your stress.  I start trying to think about designs, but get a little stuck. 

So, we make plans, rough some design, but h won’t give me input or help in the design for mine.  He just give me a deadline, and the other couple help.  Ok.  Not unusual.  He does this. 

He has a freak out melt down about June.  He yells at me for stressing him by de,adding he make me a corset.  I never did any such thing.  I remind him it was his idea (jade, I know) and he should not be mad at me for his idea.  He tries to MAKE it my fault still, ranting how I need to let him do it so he can prove couple from last year didn’t do it, he did.  I say, so you want to ‘1up them’ that’s not my fault, it’s not me making a demand on you.  He flipped out for several days on that comment, it was suddenly the most insulting thing ever. 

He moved on, we started work, got the corset going and about 75% done in about 30 hours of H and his friend working on it.  Meanwhile, thinking mine was next, I finalized a design, and saw some leather bracelets I liked, but while he said he could make them,  he would again, not help me draw the, out on paper to fit me.  So, he used my sketch, ignored my questions about not being sure it was right, and then got mad it was off.  So, I’m told there is no time for me, he can only do one big project a year, and I just need to plan on my old costume, and ‘put my money where my mouth is, since I don’t want him stressed or 1 upping people’.

And he repeats it before bed.  So now, I am kind sitting here, can’t sleep, feeling like I am simply just not worth effort.  I have sewing by hand or machine every stitch on his stuff, save some on a helmet his best friend did.  He has made me in 20years: one very awesome headband 8 did 50% of the work on.  2 hip pouches.  One vinyl left waist clincher that did not fit, years ago, he took no input from me.  I have sewhim things every single year.  He has made the ungrateful friends each an item for the last several years.  They are worth effort.  I am not. 

H showed me some items he’d added to the craft supplies.  He bought stuff to make me jewelry, never did, kept it hidden so he could make me a few gifts.  Adding it to the supplies means he never will.  I’m not worth the effort.

Add to this some repressed feeling about childhood memories coming to me, neglect, simply not being worth effort. 

And my office has a System rep who came last the week before last.  I’d sent him a plan for the upcoming year, for feed back. In person, he started to critique it, admitted he’d not read it yet, then left.  Thursday I got pretty rough feedback, it’s not good enough, I have till next Monday to revise it.  And I get to talk to my boss about it tomorrow.  I want to cry so much.  So much.

Am I stupid for being hurt, when I DID say it’s okay to not work on stuff for me?  He waited till I was excited and had a final plan to shut me down.  I feel like a fool.  Life has taught me pretty much if I can’t do it all in my own, to not do it.  If I need somone else to help, they will let me down.  I should have known better. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi isilme,

As I read this I am struck how easy it is for all of us to get our feelings hurt. I could focus on all the things my SO does for his kids and does not do for me - if I wanted to go down that path. (I can't think of any things that bug me really, because I don't go down that path, but I am just using this as an example of what it would be like to be upset that my SO does things for others and not me.) Or I could just focus on the things he does do for me and be happy. Only so much time in the day, ya know?

I want him to do nice things for his kids and he does them because that is his idea of fatherhood and because he has a soft and impulsive heart. Kid has a need, he can throw money at it and make them smile he does it, no matter how much debt he gets himself in. He can worry about his debts, not for me to worry about very much either actually. I choose to not judge it and just have love and compassion for his struggles as a dad. Would I do it his way? Nope. But who cares what I think? They're his kids. In your case, this is your partner's work and it's up to him to do or not do what he does about it and for whatever reasons he likes.

I think your husband may do these things for the other people because he wants recognition for his skills. Who wouldn't? He wants praise and affirmation. It sucks, but often times even in the best of relationships we can get the short end of the stick. I don't know why it's like that, but it just is. If you liked doing things for your friends, like baking for example, and always made them treats but not him as much or as often, he would feel slighted. Even if you did something special for him it might not feel like enough. We are just like this as humans. We tend to keep score and we want attention.

I think the best thing to do, is not keep score and not focus on what we are getting, but to give without expectation. That might sound unhealthy, but there is actually a lot of freedom in giving up our expectations of others. It isn't to say we can't or shouldn't expect anything, but, oh I am probably not explaining any of this well   but the point, for me, is to get to a place from freedom from pain, from the built in pains of being human, and do this by learning not to attach so much to specific outcomes. That's all.

Sit back and try to enjoy that he makes stuff for others and let the focus sit there a long time. Soak it in, be proud and loving about it. He is built to go back and forth, forget, make you promises he will later forget he made. Have compassion for him as a living being who is suffering and struggling to do his best I'd what I'd try to do in your place.

I wonder if he could make smaller items that would give him quicker satisfaction and maybe less stress? Do you ever just pump him up and praise him for being an artist/craftsman? Does he get to hear you talk him up to other people? I'm just saying, words go a long way, and reorienting yourself towards enjoyment and appreciation and away from disappointment could go a long way. In this mode you get to bask in the joy of kind words towards him. It might make you feel good and be a gift to yourself and him. No criticizing, no judgement, just kindness.

Okay, just my two cents!

wishing you peace, pearl.

[isilme]

I kinda have to disagree.  I don’t think our feelings get hurt easily.  I think we get slighted often, get blamed unfairly, take the brunt of a lot of things before feelings actually get hurt.  If our feelings were as in our sleeves as theirs are, th8nhs would be like my two BPD parents, with no one trying to improve things.

I’m not keeping score until he, himself, used the fact he’s not me ME things as a motive.  He said this even when I tried to say, please don’t bother.

He waited till I had spent money on fabric.  He waited till I had accessories lined up.  He waited till I had a final design, had done prep work, has said he wants to do it but rebuffed me when I’ve asked opinions on ideas or for help.  I don’t get help.  I don’t get priority... .I AM hurt after 20years of seeing how low follow thru for me can be.  I know some of it is fear of failure.  I’ve had in the far past, had him neglect my birthday, not even a gift, out of fear of failure.  He has improved, 20 years in. 

He DOES want recognition form others.  But I’m one who works to make sure he gets it. Not them.  My praise does not matter.  I am just taken for granted as s9meone who’s supposed to be positive. 

No. Making small things does not garner the attention he wants. 

Again.  I put a lot into helping him, I don’t make promises I don’t intend to keep.  I tell him I will do s9mething, it gets done.  He tells me, I have to just never hope.  I have to plan on it falling thru, not happening, or being yelled at for ‘making’ him do it.

I’ve already been yelled at for ‘demadning’ this.  I don’t even get an end result of him doing it after going thru that.  I get nothing and like it and I am tired, stressed, have pms, and memories of my parents likewise making promises or just failing at normal parenting (helping their kids move into dorms for instance.  Did not have that, no help, dragged my trunks up the stairs, alone, no one even offered to help me) have been com8ng back fro pm being disassociated for years. 

Pearlsw, I already DO sit back, take pride, and I work damn hard to get him recognition on the level he needs to even have it register. 

  I am upset a group project I have spent money on in good faith has been stomped on RIGHT AS I WAS FINALLY THINKING IT MIGHT HAPPEN.  I made a mistake.  I believed I was actually on his priority list, as he said.  I should have known better, kept my emotions under control.  I failed, I am hurt.  I have to exercise so much ignoring of inequity at times, I think I burned out a little. 

[pearlsw]

I kinda have to disagree. 

Hi isilme,

Is any of what you are doing working? Are you interested in bettering things or venting? Either option is okay. I thought you might like some fresh eyes on this.

I am sorry you are feeling so bad and not getting what you want from your relationship. I know how painful that is.

sincerely, pearl.

[pearlsw]

Again.  I put a lot into helping him, I don’t make promises I don’t intend to keep.  I tell him I will do s9mething, it gets done.  He tells me, I have to just never hope.  I have to plan on it falling thru, not happening, or being yelled at for ‘making’ him do it.

I’ve already been yelled at for ‘demadning’ this.  I don’t even get an end result of him doing it after going thru that.  I get nothing and like it and I am tired, stressed, have pms, and memories of my parents likewise making promises or just failing at normal parenting (helping their kids move into dorms for instance.  Did not have that, no help, dragged my trunks up the stairs, alone, no one even offered to help me) have been com8ng back fro pm being disassociated for years. 

Pearlsw, I already DO sit back, take pride, and I work damn hard to get him recognition on the level he needs to even have it register. 

  I am upset a group project I have spent money on in good faith has been stomped on RIGHT AS I WAS FINALLY THINKING IT MIGHT HAPPEN.  I made a mistake.  I believed I was actually on his priority list, as he said.  I should have known better, kept my emotions under control.  I failed, I am hurt.  I have to exercise so much ignoring of inequity at times, I think I burned out a little. 

Hey, had to rush off and work for a bit, but wanted to circle back and make sure you felt listened to and had some warmth sent in your direction at a low point! 

I don't doubt you do a lot to care for him. 

The tough part though, and I've done this myself many times in various relationships, is expect the other person to see and do things the way I do. As we bond with another person in a relationship we can often expect mind reading, or for them to see and do things the way we do, and then we are upset when they don't come through.

I don't doubt your husband disappoints you a lot and that feel that disappointment profoundly. The only question really is how will you respond to it? Will you adjust your expectations in order to limit or eliminate the pain you feel? What can you do, if anything, to change this? If you can only change yourself and not him, then what would you have to change?

If I was married to someone with no legs I would not expect him to want to go out dancing. I would adjust my expectations. (We might dance with our upper bodies while seated, or do other things, both fine by me.) Your husband may not be able to do certain things, what then?

Not meaning to push you at all if you are feeling vulnerable and low and just want some commiserating, just curious about what you are willing to do to make improvements? Feel free to not answer if it is stressful, it is not my intention to add to your burden, dear!

with deep compassion and respect, pearl.

[isilme]

1.  If I am posting on this site at ALL in a new topic, I am in a vulnerable place.  I am here, expressing hurt at another promise being broken in the only manner I feel safe doing so. 

2.  I know to have low/realistic expectations.  I use the wheelchair analogy all the time you just tried to share with me.  I know the tools, I know the mantras, and use them.  If I am posting, I am in a low, where I can't fully control my own emotions and I come to BPD family to vert, to express them, and to get feedback that either validates ME for a change or at least a little "I'd be sad, too, this happened to me... .". 

Also, my friend, the one whose corset is almost done, is going to be one mash-up version of a Disney princess, and I was to be another.  I know this sounds stupid, but cosplay/ren faire stuff is one thing we all enjoy.  Now, I am to be a random nothing, and she will be a mermaid, and we won't match anymore, taking a little fun out of the whole idea.  She was upset and sad when I told her as we sewed her costume skirt yesterday, and said, "no, we will get him to do it."  I had to ask her and her husband to not do anything of the sort.  It won't make things better. 

I am not asking him to do a marathon from a wheelchair or anything he can't do.  Hell, I don't even ask him to take out the trash.  He chooses to do this.  On his own.  He makes choices and does it.  He likes doing it as much as he allows himself to like anything.  I've encouraged and supported him spending horrible amounts of money on supplies because it makes him happy to make things.  He tries to feel pride in it, even though his BPD prevents him from really feeling it.

He makes things all the time for family and friends.  Just not for me, and usually that is fine because I never asked for anything - I know better.  I try to plan to help him, knowing the seesaw is always one-sided.  My failure here was forgetting that.  The seesaw dropped me on the ground last night when he let go abruptly. 

This is not about one item, one incident, it's just the biggest, most recent focus.

I did not ask for this corset.  I was not expecting him to read my mind.  I talked openly to him, and he'd walk away.  He' "forget" what I said, because paying attention to me is not important.  He does this to others, so it's not just me.  He is often lost in conversations either because he can't hear (need to get the achecked) or he really doesn't care that much about things going on outside his own head.

I told him to not plan on making me a corset months back.  HE insisted.  HE got mad at me for trying to tell him to not worry about it.  I told him not to do it as a competition, to get back the attention stolen by the couple who took credit for his work.  I am still in hot water for that loose, spur of the moment comment. 

NOW, only when I am excited when I finally have an idea, he shuts it down.  He gave me a glimpse of a gift and yanked it away.  I have fabric coming.  I have boots coming.  I have things to make jewelry coming.  I have now wasted money on this stuff based on his promise he was actually going to do something for me, and now am in a horrible position. 

I can't return fabric, once it's cut, it's yours.  I now get to hide 4 yards satin, 2 yards organza, 2 yeards velvet, paracord, crystals, and other items in the house until after December.  If he sees any of the supplies I got for my own sewing, he will get mad at me for "making him feel bad for telling me no."  So, I get to squirrel it away, hide it in my fabric stuff, and use it to make doll clothes or maybe if I am lucky, and he does not put someone ahead of me again, maybe next year he will make something for me.   

I spent the last 4 months squaring away the office to be his studio.  To allow him space to work, set up his workbench, have been sore, sweaty mess moving things he won't part with to creatively make room for him.  Bought him a new TV for use as a computer monitor, that came with Roku functions so he can work in comfort.  Instead of thanks, I am just told how much of a mess it is in there. 
 
I am just hurt HE stated he would do something nice and is recanting only after I allowed myself to believe him.  I have a lot of "I believe it when I see it, and will make contingency plans for when it likely does not happen" mindset.  Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.  Or at least, hope for somewhat decent, prepare for the absolute worst. 

I am hurt at being treated with less respect and regard than people who treat H badly.  He stays up late, bends over backward for them.  He can't tell them no, can't tell them it hurts his feelings when they let their dog eat things he made them he could charge $100 or more from a stranger for.  But he can tell me no.  I am "safe" to tell no.  I am safe to disappoint, to let down.  Just like I am "safe" to see the rages.

What am I doing?  The same thing I always do, every single day.  I suck it up.  I go to work, try to do my best.  I don't share work stress at home.  He told me about 15 years ago he doesn't want to hear it, so he doesn't.  And knowing about his emotional "wheelchair" I don't expect him to.  Also, this particular issue I can't mention because we got in a fight over this big wig coming down - he felt I was choosing work over him having to schedule a doctor's appointment after this big wig's visit so I could go with him (remind him, drive him, get him to the right place, listen to doc, remember what she says, take care of next visit).  He gets mad at me for worrying about this guy who can tell my boss what to do, so letting him know I am upset this guy was inconsistent and kinda rude last week, confusing my office is not going to be a stress relief for me, it will lead to him getting mad about his own supervisors past, present, and yes, he will rant about what he considers a set future.  No comfort.  No, "it will be okay, I am sure your local boss thinks youre doing fine."  No, I get this, "It's just going to be a short while before we are both fired."  So, even stressed, upset about THAT, I have no constructive outlet for it. 

I remember to breathe in and out, and keep going.  I come home.  No matter how hurt I am, I tend to bury it, try to shove it off, tell myself I am stupid for feeling this way, that I should have known better, that it's not important, that I need to not focus on it, exert mind over matter and stop feeling this upset, there are worse things out there. 

If he directly asks I will admit a very, very tiny amount of disappointment.   Not the hurt that had me crying silently in the shower last night, and unable to sleep.  Becuase it's not about a costume.  It's about being let down.  It's about knowing I will move the Earth for him, but that he can't take out the trash even just once a week to make me feel better, or at least less tired.  It's about him not being able to take the steps to drive me to my MRI (learn the route?  program GPS?  Offer to drive me outright when I say I am nervous about driving, not just to drive home if I am knocked out for a panic attack in the machine, without realizing he had no idea how to get home from where we'd have been.)

No matter how tired I am, I try to just keep going.  I try to not let it show, that I am tired, that I am hurting.  I was trained as a child to not let it show, I have a BPD partner, so I guess my training was meant for my adult life.

Showing my emotions openly, fully, or even allowing myself to feel them is counterproductive in my life.  I can't handle the fighting that would come over him trying to start fights being invalidated by me having emotions that he does not agree with, or that he interprets as negative against him.

I clean, I cook dinner, I go tot eh store, I work 40+ hours a week, I mow the lawn, I try to exercise with H because he won't do it alone, I call his doctors to set up the tests he's supposed to be having before our next visit.  And in my "free" time, I am usually helping make something. 

I told him, before he went to bed and was gearing up for a fight that it was fine, with a straight face, and in spite of my let down, honestly, trying my best to not show anger, sadness or disappointment, that it would be ok, decision is made, let's drop it.  I agreed I'd told him I'd wear an old outfit from years back, and I truly did not want my costume to cause him stress.  Then I said, I am taking my shower now, and left so I could cry without being seen or heard.  Because it hurt.  It really hurts to know I am okay to tell no, and to welch on a promise, but people who steal his work, who let animals and children destroy it, they get treated better.  I am there for him, like at least 95% all in when needed (I think 5% for work or me being sick myself is allowed), but I can't say in my life I can feel anyone has ever been able to give even 75% for me since I outgrew being a cute, tiny toddler.  Again, I DO have PMS, lowering my ability to be a pleasant jovial ice maiden, and I am stressed about this plan for work.  I got no pretty much no sleep last night, finally dozing about 3:30-4am, got up at 7.  I almost turned off my alarm this morning, thinking today was Sunday. 

It's like the silly saying about marriage that is supposed to go:

"What's mine is yours and what's yours is mine"... .
but with BPD its more like, "What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine."   My help is his.  His help is his. 

My friend tried to make me feel better, and pointed out he is likely afraid of failing me, so he would rtehr not try.  I am trying to see that as the motive, not how it feels right now that I am worth no effort. 

I will get over it.  I will likely be fine in a few hours and after some sleep tonight if it comes.  But right now, pending my meeting upstairs, watching shipping tracking numbers for items I can't use now, it's going to sting.  I just can't put any eggs in the basket that is him doing anything for me.  Sure, he manages at times, and it's wonderful.  But even for Christmas or my birthday, and especially our anniversary, it's not a given.