DD17 is Coping with Loss of her boyfriend - it's hard, thx for your support

[pollywog79]

This is my first post. Our 17 year old daughter was diagnosed with BPD about a year and a half ago. Along with that diagnosis she has a processing disorder and ADHD. Her boyfriend passed away 7 weeks ago in a tragic accident and she has not been able to even accept that he is gone let alone begin to move forward. She was doing so well before all of this, she hadn’t cut in about 9 months and hadn’t threatened suicide in about 6. She was engaged in counseling and starting to realize her self worth. We had absolutely had downward spirals before but nothing like this. She has been admitted to the behavioral health center involuntarily once since the accident and threatened to take her own life again last week but was turned away at the ER for another admission. I am at a loss for how to help her move forward. I am on LOA from work and her counselor is of the opinion that going back is not a good idea for quite some time. My husband is “fighting” me on this. I in no way expect her to move on so soon after his death, I just don’t know how to handle this emotional rollercoaster anymore. We have 2 other kids aged 10 and 3 and I see the stress in them. DD blames herself for the accident and thinks if she would have been there that everything would be different. She hates everything and everyone right now. I just don’t know what to do.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Oh Pollywog79!  First of all, I am welcoming you with a big ((HUG) .  Undoubtedly, you need one.

It was probably upsetting to have your daughter diagnosed as having BPD but then commforting for you to see her responding to treatment... .an answer to prayers.   How devastating to have this tragedy occur... .derailing and, seemingly, wiping out the progress that was being made... .so terrible for all of you.

I am so, so sorry her boyfriend died.  It is hard enough for a "normal" person to deal with death, but all the harder when someone, like your daughter, has her own issues.  Grieving is a personal process... .the level of acceptance... .the length of time it takes to go through each of the steps.  Does 7 weeks give enough time for even a "scab" to form?

Sounds like your daughter's counsellor is waving a cautionary flag, advising it might be best for you not to go back to work... .to keep concentrating on your fragile daughter.

On the other hand, I gather what your husband is trying to convey is that you should go back to work... .role-model to your daughter that life goes on.

What an added worry to have other children, a young 10 yr. old and an even younger 3 yr. old.  Questions to ask... .How much of you is left once you do go back to work? 

Time and time again, the message you will read on this forum is... ."make sure you look after yourself!"  If all the air is sucked out of YOU, what help are you to others?

My heart goes out to you, Pollywog79!  How difficult all this is... .and how difficult it is for you to have to make decisions like this when the situation is so raw.

All of our stories here are different but our pain is the same.  It was a life-saver for me to find this forum.  While no one was able to give me answers, I felt the much-needed support that enabled me to carry on to my not-ideal-but-better-tomorrows.  Just by putting my fingers on the keyboard and pouring out my hurts helped.

Night or day, share as much or as little as you want, Pollywog79.  Others, like me, are here to listen, validate and support.

Huat

[pollywog79]

Thanks so much for your response. I guess taking care of myself is pretty much why I am here. Between multiple appointments for my daughter each week and sports practices daily for my son I am finding it hard to schedule time for me. I am hopeful that talking with people with similar struggles will be beneficial. Thank you for the warm welcome.

[Kwamina]

Hi pollywog79

I would like to join Huat in giving you a warm welcome to our online community

It's very sad that your daughter's boyfriend passed away in such a tragic manner only 7 weeks ago. Losing someone close to you is indeed difficult for most people and even more so for people already dealing with their own issues as Huat rightly points us.

It's unfortunate that this situation has so negatively impacted your daughter. Although it might not seem like it right now, the positive work she has been doing can still prove to be invaluable in the long run as she copes with this loss. She's clearly struggling, yet the work she has done so far, has put her in a better place to be able to deal with tragic events like this.

The fact that she was so engaged in counseling and starting to realize her self worth, is very promising and shows that the potential to improve is in her. What's she's dealing with now is a devastating loss, in time I do think it's possible that the promise she's shown will resurface and help guide her through this storm. Talking from personal experience, I know that 7 weeks is a relatively short period of time when it comes to mourning the loss of someone you are very close with. In time I hope your daughter will be able to move forward from this loss as she also works on managing her self-harming tendencies and suicidal ideation.

How was your daughter's relationship with her boyfriend? What kind of a kid was he, what did your daughter like about him? How did you get along with her boyfriend?

I am glad you decided to reach out for support and are thinking about self-care

The Board Parrot

[Feeling Better]

Hi pollywog79

I would like to join Huat and Kwamina in saying how sorry I am to hear of your situation, my heart goes out to you and your family.

How terrible for your daughter to have lost her boyfriend at such a young age, her grief must be immense. It sounds as though her boyfriend’s death was very sudden which in itself makes it much harder for someone to process and accept.
Is your daughter receiving grief counselling?

Keep supporting your daughter as best you can pollywog79, let her know that you are always there for her. I’m sure you are probably doing that anyway. As the others have already said, make sure that you look after yourself too and please come back to let us know how you are doing x  

[Bright Day Mom]

Hello Pollywog,

I join the others in the sorrow in your situation.

It sounds like your DD may be suffering from survivor's guilt. My DD was in a similar position 2 years ago when a good friend of hers took her own life. The impact and pain was unbearable. My girl suffered tremendously, had hospitalizations, entered Partial Hospitalization program (she needed higher level of care), stepped down to Intensive Outpatient program and ultimately residential for 8 months. 

As the other participants have said, grieving is a process; everyone does it differently and at their own pace.  Unfortunately there isn't a manual, but there are lots of caring people that can offer a kind ear.

[pollywog79]

Thank you all for your responses and support. Our hearts are broken because her heart is broken. We had a few good days and then this weekend has been a roller coaster of emotions and threats of self harm and cutting. I know that her feelings are so intense, yet sometimes i feel as though she uses her grief to excuse terrible words or actions. I thought I was confused  before, during and right after her diagnosis but now I find myself questioning EVERYTHING! She’s always loved and then hated me but never like this. It’s been such a short amount of time yet it has seemed endless. I’ll fight through, but honestly the good days scare me the worst. It seems the better the good days are the worse the bad ones. Ugh. Feeling helpless and oddly feeling really guilty for being a downer every time someone asks me how things are. Anyways I’m babbling I think at this point. Thank you again for responding and everyone’s kind words.

[wendydarling]

Dear pollywog79  

I'm so very sorry your young daughter lost her boyfriend, it's traumatic to lose loved ones, my daughter lost a wonderful 22 year old friend-boy, he was running a marathon, shocking.

Have the family held, plan to hold a memorial celebration of his life? That helped us all come together, share our grief and our love,  understand we were not responsible.

I'm glad you are here with us parents, we are listening.

WDx

[Feeling Better]

Hi again pollywog79

Oh I can imagine the roller coaster ride that you are on right now, it’s understandable that you are feeling helpless, who wouldn’t be? Try not to be hard on yourself. Grief is such a personal thing and I know how painful it is to watch someone we love struggling to deal with this. You say that you feel really guilty for being a downer every time someone asks you how things are, I’m sure no one expects you to be the life and soul of the party, you have feelings and it is ok to talk about them  

Please look after yourself pollywog79 and just take one day at a time. We are with you x