The Ultimatum: Want her to understand I want to be at my parents now

[yotmwbf]

Hello everyone

I am new to the community and am very thankful I found it!

I am in need of guidance because I am feeling lost and am running in circles. My girlfriend (BP) and I have been together for 2 years and have been living together for 1.5. I lost count of how many times we fought and broken up. less than a handful of instances have occurred where I have moved my belongings back to my parents place. I do love this girl but since our last breakup (2 weeks ago) I told her I have no intention of moving my things or myself back in until I feel like this relationship has improved... .

She told me that I have 1 month to figure my self out and that If I don't move back in she will break up with me. I am not sure if I can keep going in this loop. What would be best for my needs is to move back to my parents place and date her. Id be able to save more money, id be closer to work and more importantly, Id be in my safe zone. My sleeping patterns whilst living with her were horrible. some nights I would get 2 hours of sleep and be a zombie at work. When we fight she would tell me that we fight because I always move my stuff out. But really I want to move my stuff out because she is unreasonable and I can't deal with the fighting/differing values.

I really think taking one step backwards (moving out) would enable us to take 2 steps forward. I feel that If I take better care of myself I would be able to be a better person. Its gotten to the point where I have withdrawn from friends and I am starting happily spend more time at work because I want to avoid fighting. I have also started to believe her when she says hurtful things about me which I know are not true.

I want to be with this girl but I don't know what action to take in order for her to understand I need to be at home with my parents right now.

Any help would be appreciated. Thank you

[Cat Familiar]

It would be better for you to live with your parents financially, to be closer to work, to get better sleep, and to feel safe emotionally. She has started to undermine your self confidence by saying hurtful things. Like many other members here, you’ve withdrawn from your friends as a result of this relationship.

You’d like things to be healthier and have less fighting before you move in with her again, but she has set a time limit and if you don’t comply, she will break up with you.

You still love her and would like things to work out. What is it about her that you love? How do you feel about how she treats you? Is this a relationship that you would like to continue toward marriage and family?

[Red5]

Welcome omwhat the heckyb !

This is a good and safe place to come to, vent, and most important, to learn,

Ok, two things first off,

She told me that I have 1 month to figure my self out and that If I don't move back in she will break up with me.

As your thread title says, "ultimatum"... .well when someone gives someone else an ultimatum, they are trying to control them, when we give into an ultimatum, its out of fear of the threat of _____ being brought upon us, like paying taxes (?)... .in your case, your gf claims she will break up with you, this is a threat disguised in an ultimatum.

... .ultimatum = control,

So you give in, and move back in with her, as per her ultimatum, .what precedence does this set, now that she has applied an ultimatum (threatened you), and you complied (fear?), now you are on the ropes, each and every time she wants you to do something (trained seal), all she has to do is threaten you, ie' give you and ultimatum, and there you go, now she has a very effective way to control you... .no way to live is it, this is dysfunctional.

Second,

I can't deal with the fighting/differing values.

What are the differing values?

Sometimes two people can live together and have a certain degree of ""differing values", .but its a "tight squeeze".

Sometimes, there is a great void there, as in your values, may be very different from hers... .ie' and for example... .child rearing... .or sexual fidelity... .there are a myriad of things that, over time; ie' differing values, will indeed drive a wooden stake between you both, .uncompromising, ridged values, that are not negotiable, a death nail to a successful relationship.

A lot to consider, especially before taking any relationship to the upper levels, ie' marriage.

Again welcome omwhat the heckyb !

Stay Calm !... .and Thread ON !

Red5

[yotmwbf]

Thank you for your responses

Here is an update on my situation. I told her that I wanted to continue being with her but I was not going to be given an ultimatum. I told her that I was not going to move back in right now. I said for me to move back I would like her to seek out help and get DBT therapy so that when If we move back in the future, we could have a better relationship. I also told her that I will continue to seek out therapy so I could go ahead and deal with the situation and pull myself back together as well.

After hearing that I will not move back she said she doesn't want to be with a 30 year old living with his parents. She wants a man! She told me that I ruined her, that I am a horrible person, that she will have sex with all of my friends and that she hopes my family dies. She told me that she needs a man who can handle pbd and not someone who is a child. It was very difficult to hear all of these things and worse (way worse seriously, but I wont post them here), but I had to remind myself to use reflective listening and not defend and counter attack. I told her that her not wanting to be with me was her choice and that she can talk to me when she feels like she can behave herself.

This situation is very challenging. She doesn't want to be with me, Im sure she is acting out and trying to push every one of my buttons to make her get back at me. Anyways I thought I would post this.

Thanks for listening...

[Cat Familiar]

What horrible things to say!   

Good for you that you held your ground and are doing what you need to do to get your life in balance.    And how strong you are to be able to hear such awful words coming from someone you care about, yet not defend or counterattack. You should be very proud of yourself.   Not an easy thing to bear.

[Notwendy]

I think you should feel proud for holding your boundaries and knowing what is best for you in this situation. Sure, she didn't like it but - that isn't her decision to make. You get to decide what you need to feel at your best and you aren't causing her harm by doing so.

Her responses reflected that she didn't get her way- she's angry and said some mean things. But that doesn't mean you have to accept them as true.

She also has her boundaries- if one of them isn't to be with someone living with their parents, then she gets to decide that. However, there are many reasons an adult may be living with their parents, and her feelings don't define you.

She says she wants a man who can handle BPD and if someone can't- they are a child? I can assure you that being able to manage BPD for her does not define what is a man, or woman. She is the one who has BPD and if she is looking for someone who will be able to manage that for her, she may be disappointed because she would need to do the work ( such as DBT) to help with that.

[formflier]

 But that doesn't mean you have to accept them as true.

 

Or even listen to them... .for that matter.

I want to join Notwendy in commending you for holding YOUR Boundaries.  Nice work!

As I consider your post, I'm struck by your desire to be understood and known by the person you love.  I remember that feeling and the immense frustration comparing what came out of my wife's mouth about what I think, feel and believe to what I actually think, feel and believe.

I used to spend an enormous amount of time focused on trying to "correct" my wife's understanding.  That effort turned out to be fruitless and very likely made our relationship worse.

Can you take a few minutes and write about the importance to you of "being known" and "being understood"?

FF

[PeteWitsend]

... .

This situation is very challenging. She doesn't want to be with me, Im sure she is acting out and trying to push every one of my buttons to make

Thanks for listening...

Hey, omwhat the heckyb

I'd also like to commend you on holding your ground here, and identifying what you need and what you will and will not stand for.  I think - and I know I've been through this - we (those with SO's who are BPD) start to lose sight of what's "normal" and get emotionally broken down that we do give in to irrational requests and demands.  we also forget that it should be possible to state a reasonable request and have it honored, and not made to feel shameful or disloyal for wanting some time apart or with friends or family.

In response to your post I quoted, I don't know if PWBPD really don't want to be with their SO when they act out like that.  what they want is to get you to conform to their demands, which may not even be possible, as they are often inconsistent.  You're there to fill a void; a bottomless pit.  and they are often extremely sensitive to any perceived unhappiness on your part.  If they sense you start to resent this, or hesitate... .they will immediately react with hostility to try to mentally browbeat you back into compliance.

[Red5]

She wants a man! She told me that I ruined her, that I am a horrible person, that she will have sex with all of my friends and that she hopes my family dies. She told me that she needs a man who can handle pbd and not someone who is a child.

Wow!... .

I would download that to your internal hard drive historical record (memory).

... .we (those with SO's who are BPD) start to lose sight of what's "normal" and get emotionally broken down that we do give in to irrational requests and demands.

I have done this for years, .and it has been emotionally "costly" for me.

You have a lot to think about omwhat the heckyb,

It is no easy order to be in a relationship/marriage with a pw/BPD, not to mention entering further (marriage) knowing what is, may be going to happen; perceived, once you’re married, and beyond the dating, courtship phase.

Walk your path with caution my friend, and understand (knowing full well) what you may be embarking on with your significant other, ie' marriage in the future.

Been written here many times, ."When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." - [quote; Maya Angelou]

Keep posting!

Best Regards, Red5