Step-Co-Parenting with suspected BPD mother

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

he tells her she has to talk to me  

Do you want to be in that role?

You may need boundaries with your step kids, boundaries with your H, and boundaries with mom.

I could see how having a background in mental health would tempt you to be more involved in the family dynamics than is perhaps healthy for you as a step mother.

Boundaries are harder to set after letting them go soft.

If my H sent his ex to me, I would feel I allowed myself to become codependent and triangulated.

Your values may be different.

If it bothers you, perhaps you could support your H in setting these boundaries by recommending phrases that he feels comfortable with, or helping him feel ok when he chooses to not respond to things that don't really need a response.

This stuff may feel manageable now but it can seriously wear you out. Having good self-care boundaries is essential.

[livednlearned]

he tells her she has to talk to me  

Do you want to be in that role?

You may need boundaries with your step kids, boundaries with your H, and boundaries with mom.

I could see how having a background in mental health would tempt you to be more involved in the family dynamics than is perhaps healthy for you as a step mother.

Boundaries are harder to set after letting them go soft.

If my H sent his ex to me, I would feel I allowed myself to become codependent and triangulated.

Your values may be different.

If it bothers you, perhaps you could support your H in setting these boundaries by recommending phrases that he feels comfortable with, or helping him feel ok when he chooses to not respond to things that don't really need a response.

This stuff may feel manageable now but it can seriously wear you out. Having good self-care boundaries is essential.

[isharcanis]

livednlearned is really holding my feet to the fire because she's right on about my weaknesses. My therapist has been on me about the same stuff. As a behaviorist, I believe in doing the hard work on the front end so things go smoothly later. I think that's what I've done here.

In the 6 mos we've been a family I have:

Improved everyone's diet. DH and I have lost a little more than 10 pounds each and the slightly chunky daughter lost a little bit of weight too. It's been hard for kids whose mother feeds them almost exclusively fast food to get a stepmom who eats kale with chickpeas and quinoa for breakfast. We have a snack box full of healthy snacks and they can eat all they want. They've learned to focus on reducing sugar in their diets and control portions by waiting a few minutes to see if you are still hungry.

Taught DH and daughters to speak without fear. They were afraid to speak up about things the wanted and were terrified of doing something like saying they didn't like my food. I can get honest answers regularly from D14 and usually from D11. Dad is overcoming his fears too. We've also reduced apologizing. This is a one-time thing.

Stopped them from communicating through D14 and gave her the knowledge and confidence to refuse when her mom asks. 

Turned his barren apartment into a home (I had furniture) with a kitchen full of good smells and food made with love. This is a one-time thing.

Gotten both girls to open up about their mom's behavior. Now they are starting therapy with a much better understanding of their lives and the ability to talk about it. This is a one-time deal.

Even though we have them only 2 days a week, D14 says I'm "the mom who has it together" and her mother just makes a show of being a mom. I'm taking up the slack by doing things her mom should be doing like helping her tan her legs before a dance competition and taking her to get fitted for a bra. This is just being a mom.

Got the kids to communicate with each other about how they handle mom. D11 apologized for throwing D14 under the bus when D14 and mom argue. Hopefully, they can coordinate with each other to better handle mom's moods. Unfortunately, within 24 hours of that conversation, D11 betrayed her sister and unlocked D14's phone for mom. D11 has a long way to go. At least D14 is understanding.

I "diagnosed" DH with PTSD and got him a therapist who gave him the real diagnosis. Even before the therapist, he was learning to tell when he was having a flashback and bring himself back to reality. Now he's getting help so he can heal properly. One-time thing.

Now that I've read more about boundaries, I realize this is something that I did naturally with mom. Triangulation suggests we are being divided but in reality, we are united in our communication. As he has begun refusing to let her abuse him, she is trying less often.

My biggest problem now is solving issues like having homework monitored and getting the orthodontist paid or making sure the kids have lunch money. I also need to continue my process of turning the psychological stuff over to therapists.

I've done a lot of evaluating and soul-searching the past few days on this site. When I was first posting, I was all tense from my shoulders up. Now I'm relaxed. I really appreciate everyone who has contributed to this process.

 

[livednlearned]

Keeping you emotionally healthy and strong is probably key to the new family dynamic you have been instrumental in creating 

Step parenting is not for the weak and step parenting with a BPD ex is the big leagues.

You have clearly had a powerful influence on your new family and putting your needs first will help keep that momentum going. 

We have a saying here to not let others rent space in your head. That boundary is probably the most important one of all. It took me years to figure out what it meant -- and I'm grateful I learned it. A true silver lining in all this nuttery 

My biggest problem now is solving issues like having homework monitored and getting the orthodontist paid or making sure the kids have lunch money.

These issues are really tough and come up a lot on these boards. Issues around clothing and things that go back and forth (and disappear) between houses. Ugh. It's tough.

I chose parallel parenting, which involves running through a list of what I have control over.

If I don't have control over it, I let it go and focus my efforts on what I can control. Over time I got better at asking myself if it was worth my peace of mind to get involved in whatever situation dropped into my lap.

50 percent of the time I choose to wait and see how things play out. About 25 percent of the time I have to go for a long walk gnashing my teeth and maybe drop some cash for additional trips to the T. The last 25 I wade in and make some strategic choices that take a while to put in place but are likely to pay dividends no matter which way things play out.

Over time you will develop something that works best for you.

You're doing great and the kids and H are lucky to have you. 

[ForeverDad]

Being the Nice Guys and Nice Gals that we are, this also is a Pay It Forward site where, yes, we may eventually drift away with the bigger concerns addressed but not before we also help the ones who arrive afterward, perplexed, distressed and (sadly) clueless.

[worriedStepmom]

It seems a little bit ... .odd? ... .to me that the girls have bonded to you so much in such a short time, especially at their ages.  Perhaps they were just hungering for a positive female role model.

What are your/your husband's goals for the next 7 years of childhood?  To teach the girls the skills they need to deal with mom's behaviors, or to get them out of that environment more?

I think at this point you have extremely good grounds to request a custody modification - the ex-felon boyfriend moving in, your recent marriage, and the emotional abuse of the girls.

I'm in Texas, which is also biased to the mother.  My husband just got primary physical custody of my SD11.  We were fortunate that her mom signed the papers after the first court hearing - her anxiety convinced her that if she went back to court horrible horrible things would happen.  We're working now (with the help of SD11's therapist) on deprogramming SD11 from the caretaker role and giving her tools to fight the emotional manipulation.

It doesn't sound like you or your husband is interested in enforcing the existing orders.  If you aren't willing to enforce them, you need to let her violations go.  Pointing them out to her is not going to make her change her behavior.  Her violations also don't really justify yours - if she's accusing you of valid violations, you pointing to hers doesn't help the situation and probably makes it worse.

[isharcanis]

We went to the attorney yesterday. Her advice was to send mom a letter saying that we knew there were problems and the family as a whole needs to go to therapy. That's the best she could give us. Others say the same. We could do something like tell the apartment complex but that would just get them kicked out.

My focus for the next 7 years helping them heal and showing them healthy parenting and a healthy marriage.

What are your thoughts about goals?

[worriedStepmom]

My focus for the next 7 years helping them heal and showing them healthy parenting and a healthy marriage.

What are your thoughts about goals?

Those were also our goals when my H and I married 5 years ago (SD was 5), along with "provide SD with an example of how a 'normal' woman/mother acts". 

We changed to "get SD out of that situation more often" this year when we realized SD was under way more stress than she'd let on (she texted a hotline asking for help; she shared a room with her mom at her grandparents' house and told us she couldn't sleep while there because she was afraid her mom would kill herself at night).

I'm glad the girls have you.

[isharcanis]

Due to the incident on Tuesday, we had D11 for the evening. I helped her study for a test. She would have done poorly without it and I know her mom doesn't study with her. I'm thinking about seeing if she can come to my house after school so I can help her with her homework. She can go back before/when mom gets home. This way I can help her without taking away time her mom can spend ignoring her.

Do you think mom will go for it? How would you approach it?

[isharcanis]

Things are going very well. I found a therapist who specializes in kids with trauma. My husband was doing PTSD therapy online and it wasn't going well (broken window, near constant flashbacks) so he's seeing her now too. The change is amazing. I can't even tell when he's having a flashback most of the time. Mom has said she is open to seeing a therapist too although it wouldn't be the same one my husband sees. The kids have been once each. I went back afterward to ask the therapist for advice based on what she knew so far. I'll admit that more than a little proud that she said I was doing great and should just keep it up.

Mom and I have been getting along great. Yes, I know to expect that will end at any minute but I'm taking advantage of it while I can. She had to install Venmo for something else and I lept on it. When we spend money on the kids, I bill her on the days she gets paid (child support and alimony or her job). The latest is keeping the kids' lunch accounts full by charging her and then paying online. I suggested one of the kids go to a specialist and she wants us to take her together.

My relationship with her (setting the tone) and my husband's healing has lead to a new peace in the family. They can be seen chatting at events. She wants to move out of the school district so she's going with 50/50 legal and physical custody. The kids will ride the bus to our place every afternoon and they'll stay with us until she picks them up after work. Now I can keep up with them and their schoolwork. I can intercept papers from school before they get lost. At first the kids were a little upset about less time with mom (you have to spend a lot of time with her to get what little bit of attention she gives). Now they seem excited.

The 11yo has bloomed. Their grandparents picked them up last night to spend fall break with them. While we sat in the living room, I prompted her to tell them about band, school and her love of musicals. She was so excited that she stood up and moved around while she talked. They are used to seeing her quiet and unsure of herself. Last year she always had multiple zeros. Bless her heart, she has her daddy's organizational skills. They stay with us every Thursday night and we have "backpack check." All we do is check it when she's done. She goes through and throws out the trash and anything she doesn't need to carry. Most importantly, she goes through her binder and uses a 3-hole punch to add any loose papers she needs to keep. Other papers are kept here along with her supplies like pencils and notebook paper. She has all As for the first time.

The 15yo is still dating the boy her mom set her up with. She's broken up with him 3 times but he just comes back. She's told her mom she doesn't like him 3 times but she was emotionally punished into changing her mind. I've turned this one over to the therapist because I don't know what to do. She went over this past weekend to meet his grandparents.

And the best part is that everyone has a therapist now. I get to be mom and wife now.

Yes, I wasn't born yesterday and know some of this could come down like a house of cards. However, some of these developments are permanent improvements.

And I'm still so grateful to everyone here for their support.

[david]

Document everything you can about the change in grades for 11 year old. I filed a petition to get more custody based on that single issue. I copied every homework that was done at my place. I signed and dated each one. When ex saw that, she signed and dated each one at her place. Ex used legal tactics to delay the hearing. It took close to three years before she couldn't delay anymore. I had a pile of homework. It was 6 to 8 inches tall. I made a sheet explaining the pile. EX had 80 percent time yet over 95 % percent homework was done with me. The few ex had signed were mostly incomplete or outright incorrect. I actually had one that our youngest did which ex insisted he was wrong and made him change the answers. He did as she said and made another one with the correct answers. He signed and dated the correct one. Ex signed and dated the one that had the incorrect answers. He was in third grade at the time and ex is a nurse ?
We had triple of everything because that is the way courts require evidence. The pile was placed on the judges bench. He looked at the pile and saw the top sheet. He asked ex if the top sheet was correct. Ex agreed and that was the only piece put into evidence. Evidence holds more weight than verbal testimony. Also the judge would have to explain his decision based on the evidence and education is a big deal in the courts. The fact that ex delayed things and never changed her behavior as far as helping our son was the icing on the cake.

[Turkish]

That's a good story and it must feel great to get to a place where everyone else is owning their own stuff. 

[worriedStepmom]

That is great news!

My stepdaughter is doing so much better now that she's here after school almost every day for us to help keep her on track, too.  uBPDmom just wasn't capable of keeping up with what was going on.  My SD seems to have a better relationship with her mom the less time they spend together.  Mom is more focused on her when SD is there.  Win-win.

I'm so glad your family all seems to be doing so well.

[Panda39]

Just wanted to pop in and say I'm loving all the good news!    Take it in and appreciate it 

  Panda39