Needing support/advice

[Luc456]

Hello, this is my first post. My mother has borderline traits. I’m in a position where I need her help emotionally and financially. At first things seemed good, she was happy and supportive. But then she crashed and burned threatening to commit suicide because of how my siblings and I treat her. It took about 3 weeks for us to start recovering from that episode and it felt like things were getting back on track, again. Then today she called and was freaking out on me again because of how us kids treat her. All she does is blame and criticize everyone around her. She does not have a good relationship with anyone close to her. But somehow we are the problem. I’m just so tired of the roller coaster, things bad, things good. I just want to pull out of my relationship with her as I’m suffering so much because of what her cruel words do to me. I’m hurting and so sad. I want to have a relationship with her but cannot seem to have one with out all the drama. I could go on and on. Where do I begin?

[Kwamina]

Hi and welcome to our online community

I am sorry you are in such a difficult situation with your mother. You say you need her help financially and also emotionally. That's very tough when you are dependent on someone who is so clearly disordered. Could you elaborate on the help you need from her on an emotional level?

Dealing with threats of suicide is very hard. Was this the first time she threatened to do this or has she done it before?

The Board Parrot

[Luc456]

things have been up and down with my mom for approximately 17 years. She has threatened to commit suicide to me 4 times during that time period and I’m sure she has to other people too. This time she said that she was going to commit suicide because of how I treat her, where other times there wasn’t the direct blame on me.

I’ve been relying on her emotionally over the last couple years as my marriage was not good. I was doing research into my relationship issues and communicating with my mom about the issues. One of the many books and articles I read lead me to see that my husband has NPD traits and at the same time discover that my mom has BPD traits. She has been in therapy/counseling for years and is on Effexor. But I have never heard of a diagnosis for her.

[Kwamina]

Thanks for answering my questions.

Seventeen years is a long time to be dealing with this.

Your mother has been in therapy/counseling for years and is on anti-depression medication. Do you feel like this has had any positive effects on your mother's behavior at all?

I am sorry your marriage was not good, how are things now? You realize your husband likely has NPD traits, has he ever been in therapy for his issues?

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!  I am so glad you found us as we can all relate to having a BPD family member.

Kwamina asked some great questions and I only have one more:  what would you like your relationship with your mother to look like?  

A parent, or anyone, threatening suicide is a lot to have to deal with.  I am sorry you have experienced this.  Verbal abuse is, unfortunately, a very common experience for us here.  Have you ever heard of Projection?  It is a defense where the pwBPD (person with BPD) is unable to handle certain negative emotions they have and rather than deal with them they project them on others, usually someone close, like family.  It is quite painful to be on the receiving nd of this.  It is important though to remind yourself that when she does this she is really telling you about how she feels about herself.  I don't mention that as a way of excusing her behavior because it is inexcusable.  Rather, it is important for you to understand so you can begin to detach emotionally and eventually get to the point where her words do not have the power to hurt you as much.  Given your situation, where you are still dependent on her financially it is important that you try to protect yourself emotionally.

So many of us have been where you are or are walking the very same path.  You are not alone and things can and do get better.

I'll wait for your answers to Kwamina's questions before asking even more.

Again, I am glad you found us.

[Luc456]

Kwamina I do not think that the therapy and antidepressants have had a positive effect on her. She seems to be getting worse and her behaviours seem to be much more often now than in the past.

We have been separated for almost 4 months and living separately. Things have been much better as I’m not around him and being treated the way I was. We still have communication issues but we don’t talk as often. I really care for him and I never planned on separating or putting our very young kids through a divorce. We tried marriage counseling and then he did some counseling on his own to learn about emotional abuse. He says he has been reading and learning to meditate to deal with his anger.

Harri, a good relationship with my mom would be without the extreme ups and downs. She is so kind, caring and willing to help. But sometimes like today she blames me and my siblings saying she feels like this because of how we treat her. I have always tried to be the good daughter and it worked for a long time. But now I always end up doing something wrong in her mind and she then verbally attacks me.

So happy I found this group too! Thanks

[Harri]

Hi again.

Harri, a good relationship with my mom would be without the extreme ups and downs. She is so kind, caring and willing to help. But sometimes like today she blames me and my siblings saying she feels like this because of how we treat her. I have always tried to be the good daughter and it worked for a long time. But now I always end up doing something wrong in her mind and she then verbally attacks me.

Well, I am not sure if eliminating all of the ups and downs is possible but I do know that things can get better for you.  We have several communication tools that can help you and can also help reduce the amount of dysregulations your mother may have.  Again, my main concern is about you.

Here is a link to the article on Projection which I mentioned in my previous post.  Read it, ask us questions if you have any but basically what it boils down to is when your mother is accusing you of being a bad child (or whatever) she is really just trying to get rid of her own feelings of inadequacy, hurt, anger whatever by projecting them on you.  In this state, she is not even seeing you.  What she says has nothing to do with you.

Many of us spent years, like you, trying to be the good daughter/child.  The problem is, her behavior is not about you, nor is it within your control and it is not your responsibility to manage it.  You can't.  Being the good daughter in this case means denying your own needs, presenting a false self and accepting emotional and or verbal abuse.  You do not have to do this anymore.  She is in pain and is hurting and she has her great moment too.  My mother did too.  It was the good moments that contributed to me being tied to her emotionally.  The sheer relief that the abuse stopped and the kindness that my mother had.  I was looking at her as if she were two separate people; the good mom and the bad mom.  the fact is there was only one person and I could not have the one without having the other.  It can take a long time to accept that.  it does not mean you have to walk away though.  Things can get better.

I am going to give you an article called Don't JADE.  We have so many articles I do not want to bog you down with too many but this one can be quite helpful for you and may posssibly help prevent your mother from escalating her behaviors.  JADE stands for justify, argue, defend, explain and you do not want to do these things when in an argument with your mother.  pwBPD find it invalidating when you do these thing or if you defend too much they think you are trying to hide something.  We recommend you explain once (ex, no mom I really do care) and then stop.   Doing this can help you not get into circular arguments and my favorite, it is a matter of keeping your dignity.  Trying to explain to someone that you are not mean or selfish is demoralizing and gets us no where fast.

What do you think?

[zachira]

Just wanted to let you know that I hear how frustrating it is to have a mother with BPD and want to have less to do with her, as there is a point where it all becomes too much. My mother too has BPD and been seeing a psychiatrist for many years and on all kinds of medication. The medication seems to numb her feelings and there is not much improvement in her behavior. I have low contact with her. There are many members on this site who have a mother with BPD. We are here to listen and support you. Keep us posted and let us know how things are going.

[Learning2Thrive]

  LuciCalder,

I just want to join Kwamina, Harri and zachira in welcoming you. You’re not alone. You have definitely come to the right place. Many of us have mothers with BPD or NPD or some combination.

I hope we hear more from you. We’re all here helping each other even though we’re all at different stages.

  L2T