Just ended a BPD relationship

[lostinlove101]

I just ended a roller coaster ride of an emotional relationship with my boyfriend this last week. He has not be diagnosed with BPD but all the reading and research I have done over the last new weeks definitely points to that. I do not know even where to start. My life has been an emotional roller coaster ride for almost 2 years of being with this man. I should have seen the signs early on but his charming demeanor got the best of me and his loving and affectionate ways got me really good! Then his true colors came out... The jealous rages over nothing, making up stories of me being with other men that I never knew. I would have to take pictures of my clock every night so he knew I was at home in bed. And sometimes we would think he saw someone in the reflection of the clock and go into a rage thinking someone was there with me. The calling 200x a day and the texting saying I am evil and he hates me, then 30 minutes later he is sorry and loves me.  I am here because I invested so much emotion into him and I am so heartbroken all I wanted to do was fix him. I almost lost my family and friends over him. He has past domestic violence issues as well as being abused as a child by his father so that in itself should have been my reason to leave a long time ago. He lived with me for a short period of time until my 32 year old son said either he leaves or I am leaving because this man is going to hurt you. So I told him to leave and so he has been living in his car for almost a 1 1/2 years stating he is waiting for me. He would drive down my street at 2am and then text me asking me who the F!@#K car is parked on your street. And then the rage would start up... His sleeping patterns are horrible and he will stay up for days and this is when I knew a rage is going to happen and this last weekend it did. We went away for a couple of days as we do from time to time. He was up pacing for 2 days so of course I could not sleep and was mentally drained. He then claimed his chest was hurting and he wanted to leave and go back to our town. He wouldn't stop so I called the front desk to send up an EMT to check him out and as soon as they arrive he feels fine. They leave and his chest hurts again so I said lets go so we packed up and left. The next day I text him asking him how he was feeling and the rage began with I am evil and I had some man in the room while he was sleeping (mind you he did not sleep at all)and I put something in his phone to track him... None of this happened so his pattern was starting again. I had to make a hard decision to end this once and for all. I need to be strong this time because, one for my well being, two for my family and three I know that I can not help him. I just want to know if someone who has been through this can give me some guidance and as I am writing this he is calling and texting me stating he loves me,etc. This is so fresh that I am afraid my caretaker mentality is going to give in and I can not do this anymore! Thank you

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Educated_Guess]

I am so sorry that you are going through this.  It sounds very difficult.  But you have made the right decision by realizing that you cannot fix him.  Only he can do the work that is needed to heal from his own wounds. No one can do it for him.

It sounds like you are a very caring person. That is a wonderful quality to have but it can also lead to you being manipulated and controlled.  The rage and the medical emergencies that suddenly clear up when the EMTs arrive - that is all manipulation.  He is doing these things to get the reaction out of you that he wants.

This rage and manipulation will continue as long as he thinks he can still control you and hold on to you.  Once he realizes that you are not attainable anymore, the rage and manipulation will stop.  Have you considered going No Contact?

It also sounds like he might be dangerous.  Be careful that you are not putting yourself at risk.  Do things to protect yourself like changing the locks if he has keys.  Make sure that others know where you are and that you have a way to contact them or law enforcement if he threatens or is violent.  You might also want to look for domestic abuse support groups or resources to find out things that you can do to keep yourself and your family safe.

Blessings to you as you go through this.  Be safe and reach out for help when you need it.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi lostinlove and

I'm sorry to hear what you've been through.  The behaviour sounds very similar to that of my ex.  Even to the point of believing he saw someone else in photos.  He had paranoid morbid fantasies about me being with someone else.  He was even able to picture the person (who didn't exist) and was utterly convinced that I was cheating on him.  The control and rages around all of that are seriously wearing.  I feel for you. 

Unfortunately in my case it did lead to violence and I'm in agreement with Educated_Guess that it's important to be safe and protect yourself.  Leaving someone so unstable can be a risky time.  Do you feel safe right now?  I feel that the advice from Educated_Guess to seek additional help around this would be wise.  It would be good to reach out to a local DV service for support.  Would you be prepared to do that?  My own experience with my local service was wholly positive and I gained a great deal from their services which I'd not expected to be available.  They have a lot of scope. 

Here's a link to the MOSAIC risk assessment document which I'd encourage you to complete, so you can be clear around the level of risk he poses.  I was glad that I did this as it really helped me to understand what I was dealing with and plan around that.  Would you let us know the score?

Meanwhile, I can recommend spending some time reading here and posting as much and as often as you need.  We're all in various stages of detaching and healing, so there is lots to be learned from others' experiences.  Posting in other threads proved really helpful for me when I first arrived.  We are here for you. 

Love and light x

[pearlsw]

Hi lostinlove101,

Sorry to hear what's been going on! This sounds very difficult!

So you ended the relationship one week ago? And he is continuing to contact you in such an exaggerated fashion? (200 calls and texting!)

Are you safe in your home? Are there others there with you who are aware of what is going on?

All of what you describe sounds potentially very dangerous. I think it would be good if you could call a DV shelter as soon as possible and go over some safety planning with them. They may have advice about seeking restraining orders as well, what that entails in your area, in case it gets that far.

I spoke with a person at a shelter last week and also an international hotline and although I am familiar with safety planning, it was nice to have the extra support of someone outside of the situation listening and guiding me. My SO changes so rapidly between love and hate towards me that it can throw me off balance at times. It is not easy to always think clearly, as logical and level headed as I am. It is easy to underestimate the danger we are in. People want to help you and try to keep you from harm, please let them help you. It is time to stop worrying about him, and squarely put the focus on yourself and restoring a sense of safety to your life.

What is concerning in your case is he sounds like he has a very severe level of symptoms and he is delusional. He could make you the target of his hatred or obsession I am afraid. The process of detaching could take awhile.

What more do you know about his history of DV? He has been living in his car for 1 and a half years you say? Do you know where he typically stays with the car? Do you know his criminal record? Does he have weapons? Have you ever had to call the police on him?

About caretaking, let me be very direct, we all agree on this point, you cannot fix him. At all. I know that hurts because we naturally want to care for the ones we love, and I'm sure you did your best, but you made a strong, solid choice here for yourself, your family, and your future. It is a fair and reasonable choice to move forward. You do not have to take his calls.

How do you expect him to further react to you cutting off contact? I know it is not easy to leave such situations. I can't remember the statistic off the top of my head, but women do quite often go back a number of times before they leave once and for all so you do have a right to be concerned that it will be hard for you to go through with this, so extra support will make it that much easier for you as you work to stick to your decision.

We are here to support you and want you to be safe and happy!

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Radcliff]

Welcome.  You've gotten some excellent advice here from Educated_Guess, Harley Quinn, and pearlsw.  In addition to what's been said about contacting a DV support center, they may be able to connect you with a support group where you can find women who have faced similar situations.  That in-person fellowship can be a great help in staying resolved to stay separated from him.  The DV support folks may also be able to give you advice on how much contact to have with him, whether to reduce it over time, or whether to go NC.  The trick is to strengthen your boundaries and allow you to get back your peace and freedom in a way that is assertive while hopefully not antagonizing him.  You'll want local pros to guide you on this.

WW

[lostinlove101]

Thank you everyone for the words of encouragement. To answer all your questions yes I am in a safe place of my own and my 32 year old son lives with me and is well aware and always on high alert himself. We installed cameras around our house a few months ago of which my ex is so fearful of cameras so it has helped from him physically coming and knocking on my door but he still would do the drive down the street very fast in the early mornings.

He does have a criminal back ground and was charged with DV with his last relationship which lasted 5 years and he did 1 year in prison. He claims she was cheating but as my eyes are wide open now I am sure it was his delusions once again. His problem is he is good looking which makes us girls an easy prey for him. He is loving and affection and says the right things at the right time and he really got me good... He had never been physically violent with me but the rage anger in his eyes did scare me on many occasions. The crazy part is his facial expression when he is in a rage actually make him look like a different person.

I had my first therapy session last week as I know I needed to get in immediately for support and it went well. As far as the No Contact I know I need to change my phone number and all I do is block his number but he uses these crazy apps that will allow him to call and text from various numbers so the blocking has become an all day thing for me. I have not had the courage yet to change my number and I know this is the next step for me and probably the hardest. As a caretaker I just want to know he is ok and even by me not responding to him at least I know he is ok.

Its hard enough to leave a normal relationship but it is even harder to leave a manipulative relationship because his charm always gets me... But I know this time is the last for me as he is not only ruining my life and well being but my family as well.

Yes he does live in his car and basically drives all over my city and sleeps where he can. When we were still together he would sleep close by, as he says to be closer to me. He relied on me for everything and I know this was my doing as I think I also enabled him as well and this is why I feel so guilty and end up giving into him. Our long term plan was when my son moves out he will move in and he would help me run my business. So long story short that plan was taking longer then he wanted so his manic behavior was coming out more and more. Saying he has been waiting for me in his car for almost 2 years and living in his car has mad him go insane which made me feel even more guilty...

I have never met his parents which was also very odd to me and he comes from a family of 5 boys. He told me early on that his father physically abused everyone of them to the point of one of his brothers was hit so hard in the head that he started to get seizures. This brother is now in a mental institution in Los Angeles and has been diagnosed with Schizophrenia. And his resentment towards his father is so bad that he will not even go visit his mother when his father is home.

So as you can see I felt the need to take him under my wings and try to give him a better life but obviously this all back fired on me because I had no clue who I was really dealing with here.

[pearlsw]

Hi lostinlove101,

My heart really goes out to you! I can understand how we can feel charmed and want to bring someone into our lives and help create a future together.

You are not responsible for what has become of him in these years. I know how hard it is to get things back on track for a person once they have lost their housing, and hopefully he can (on his own) find the social services that can help him find his way back to a more stable and safe housing situation for himself, independent of you. I am sorry to hear he has had such an abusive background growing up. That is sad for him and I wish him the strength to face that the best he can in life.

I am so impressed by your determination and strength. When, or if, you feel any hesitancy, feel drawn back, we can help you. Just come here and post, and we can talk. Think of us another part of your support system in addition to your son and counselor.

That's great that you have those cameras. Sounds like that is working well. Glad your adult son is there too!

We can keep this post going for now, but in time you will want to shift to the Detaching board it sounds. That can help you with processing your feelings and helping you with any guilt or sadness, etc. that lingers after relationships end. Ending relationships is a process, but sounds like you are well on your way!

How are you feeling today?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[lostinlove101]

Thanks Pearl for the words of encouragement. Today was a bad day as I took my mother out with me to pick up a pizza and low and behold he was in front of me and he turned down a street and then ended up behind me. He thought I was alone and when I pulled into the parking lot he pulled up next to me and looked at me and saw my mother and then kept going. I then received a text from him saying he was sorry but he thought I was alone and just wanted to see me and give me a hug... All he kept doing was apologizing which is typical. But the text messages did not stop as he kept explaining to me that I left him alone and basically blaming me but at the same time how much he loves me and will never stop loving me.

Those are the text messages that get to me and really pull on my heart strings. He knows how to say the right things but still can not admit he was wrong its all my fault which I know is another manipulation move. I will definitely check out the Detaching boards as this is my hardest struggle. I know in my head exactly what he is trying to do but my heart keeps telling me otherwise and I want to run back into his arms so this pain goes away.

This is probably the hardest breakup I have ever had to endear. And the fact that I am 50 years old and feel like I will be alone for the rest of my life is another struggle in my head... .

Thank you again for responding it does help me more than you know...

[pearlsw]

Thank you again for responding it does help me more than you know...

Hi lostinlove101,

I'm so sorry! That sounds so painful! Great that you are staying strong! I know it is not easy.

I'm at that age in my late 40's where I'm already saying "I"m almost 50" and expecting to be alone myself so I get some of what that is about too. In my case, and along with a few other factors, it probably made me stick a lot harder in my current relationship than I would have otherwise. I hear ya. You probably thought you had the person you would "go the distance" with, only to find out he wasn't quite what you thought. I get that. Exactly!

I am glad you have your family and hopefully friends too, because that can provide you a nice buffer. We're also here to discuss the breakup, relationship, whatever you need to get you through!

I don't know your reasons that 50 feels like this. I know I would never begrudge others who attempt dating at older ages, but for myself it is just starting to feel a bit... .I'll just say it is not what I expected at this age and I've run out of enthusiasm for it. I feel like I'd rather focus on friendship if I become single.

And you, what is this "struggle in your head" about if I may ask?

with compassion, pearl.

[Radcliff]

lostinlove101,

It's been a while.  How are you doing?

WW