New relationship, help and support welcome

[Learningcurve18]

Hi, first post here , hard to put down what im feeling as im on an emotional roller coaster, im in the early stages of a relationship with a BPD. We have connected and we both have fallen in love. I knew little about BPD until she told me she was diagnosed and ive been on a crash course reading all that i can so i can try to understand more about it, especially abandonment as when i leave her (i live around 50 miles from her) i know that because of the BPD, im hurting her so badly, this triggers her into negitive behaviors.
I think what i need is some advice on how to start a relationship properly as i know the early stages is where boundries need to be set for both our sakes.
I really want this to work but i will need some support
As doing the wrong this causes us both so much pain and upset.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[tudx]

Hi Learningcurve18 and welcome.

I'm also new here, but I feel that you are in a situation very similar to the one I had at the beginning of the year.

You are in the right place and it was a great decision to learn about the BPD as soon, as she told you about it.
I made a mistake of not doing this and later the lack of understanding caused a lot of problems. You are on the right path to avoid it

I'm not in the position to give you any advice, but a lot of people here can do it.

We're here to support each other.

[pearlsw]

Hi Learningcurve18,

I'd like to join tudx in welcoming you here! Always warms my heart to see members supporting members!

This is an interesting post and not something I see often! Someone coming in right and the start, aware of what they are getting into, and wanting to do all they can to give the relationship the best possible chance! That is very inspiring! I know a lot of us wish we'd gotten an earlier start and not discovered this late along in our relationships.

Okay, well, so how far in are you exactly? What problems are you facing so far? Is she aware she has BPD or BPD traits?

What would you say if I told you a lot of this is about focusing on yourself and completely rethinking your own communication style?

wishing you the best, pearl.

[Learningcurve18]

Thanks Tudx , yes i know that for this to work i need to get this right from the start.

Hi Pearlsw, yes i feel i need all the help and support i can get as i dont want to make things worse for my girlfriend and i also dont want to burn myself out,  so i figured that right from the start i need to get this right.
We have known each other around 4 months, we started out chatting online and arranged to meet with no expectations or pressure as we have both had fairly difficult lives and were not looking for a relationship, she has had a life where there has been so many traumas that it hurts me to think of what shes been through.
shes had two serious relationships prior to meeting me,
she said that there was always something missing from her previous relationships and that i have everything she wants and needs and has never had before... ive seen the emails from her previous BF's (she showed me them) after they had split up and its clear that they were heartbroken and couldn't handle it any more... i guess they just didn't understand the needs that she has?
We had both put our guards up for some time, but from the first moment we met we just clicked, we have the same tastes, same outlook on life, same interests, same fears and hopes... it really is amazing what we have in common. we started out by having informal dates with her friend present so as not to create any pressure or awkward moments, as we were both commitment phobes... but when we were together we just become absorbed in one another and ignore everyone around us so our informal dates soon became very intimate and passionate. weve been dating/seeing each other for a month now, but due to my hectic work life (im self employed) we have only seen each other twice a week on average, she told me she was BPD around 2 weeks ago, im not going to say i wasn't surprised or shocked as i was, id never really heard of BPD, so i started reading all i could on it.
i then read about co dependency and idolisation and the three cycles of relationships and started my journey of understanding.
... is it the BPD im in love with? well, i really dont FEEL that it is, when we talk and when were together it feels much deeper than that, i may have started to slip into co dependency initially, as i suppose everyone does... you sort of think... i can save her... .or i can cure this... .but i know that this is not the case, its a long term illness that needs management and patience, something im prepared to give, but i do have fears, yes thats natural isn't it?
i made the mistake of reading the bad stories and posts online and these were quite shocking and one particular story she sent me was our situation exactly, which was a powerful moment for me, it also coincided with our first BPD crisis where abandonment
first raised its head... i restored the balance by reading the positive stories where there is hope, i want to believe that every situation is different, different people, different circumstances... and that WE can be different,
she really is the most beautiful, amazing, sweet, caring, gentle and loving girl, but it kills me to know that the very thing that i want to give her (love and attention) is also the thing that causes so much angst and pain when i leave her due to abandonment fears.
This is the main problem, how can i hurt someone when i want to do is love them? ... .its mind bending and very stressful.
She has had DBT therapy in the past and she said it worked very well, but she feels that she is slipping again and is quite unwell at times, im shocked at the treatment frequency she has (currently once a month MBT i think? with a therapist) as i feel she should be getting a lot more support and help to manage this, guess thats the NHS doing its thing as usual! she really needs more support and treatment so as to safeguard herself and to allow our relationship to grow...
being new to this im finding it hard to know what to do... .when im not with her, im constantly in a battle with myself to say the right thing or over examining what im saying.
Validations are tricky bleeders to master, theres so many ways to say something,
ensuring i say the right thing that inst robotic or typical validation speak, at the right time is quite a challenge as i know the result could trigger her behaviors.
She has engaged in risky/extreme behavior over the last 2 years and is using this as a way to punish her self, a sort of self harm, she has stopped this behavior since she has been with me and says she wants to get help and more therapy to help her... .and me, to make this work.
ive told her im prepared to go to couples therapy or meet other couples so as to gain more insight from people who are "in this" too.
Her abandonment crisis's are really just starting to manifest themselves in our relationship at a level where im getting concerned, the BPD seems to really feel threatened by my presence in her life and seems to try to twist her thoughts and make her say some awful things, whilst its hurting to experience this, im being strong and trying all i can to learn and understand this... but i know that ive got to make sure my mental health is capable of handling this... .it is serious and i fully understand how difficult that path ahead will be, but we have spoken about the future and what we want from life and we both want the same things and want them together.
i go away for 2 weeks soon and she is scared of what the BPD will do... .i must say i feel the same way... .how do i manage the fact i am leaving her for so long? what if the BPD causes her to "shut me out" or suddenly hate me?... .my head is all over about this...

[tudx]

Let me ask you one more question:
How do you stay in touch when you're not together?
Phone? Messenger? Mail?

As pearlsw said before: communication is the key.
In my opinion you should be very consistent in your behavior, in what you say and how you say it.

You're not going to see her for 2 weeks. It's obvious that you're going to miss each other. For her it's going to be even harder. But it's normal that you sometimes have to go somewhere without her. My only advice would be: make sure that she knows what to expect. You can't be sure that she won't expect more, but you also can't blame yourself if that happens.

[anxiousndworried]

Hi Learningcurve - I wish I could offer you useful advice, but I am also trying to wrap my head around a new relationship with a BPD. Our stories are almost identical. Know that you are not alone. Don't hesitate to reach out if you need to vent.

[pearlsw]

Thanks Tudx , yes i know that for this to work i need to get this right from the start.

Hi Pearlsw, yes i feel i need all the help and support i can get as i dont want to make things worse for my girlfriend and i also dont want to burn myself out,  so i figured that right from the start i need to get this right.

Hi Learningcurve19,

There is a lot going on here, hopefully other members will join us and offer their insights as well! I want to acknowledge the kind support you are also getting from anxiousandworried and tudx!

There is a lot to understand about our partners. I've been here a year or so and I keep discovering new things about this personality disorder. I think it is helpful that you are able to identify that these behaviors are related to an illness, I would caution you just a bit to eliminate all responsibility based upon that though. It is not an easy line to walk for many us. This is all very confusing.

Have you seen these readings yet?

Supporting Your BPD Partner
Behaviors: How it Feels to Have BPD
Being An Emotional Caregiver

If you take a look, let us know what you think! It is helpful to follow up reading with talking about it here so you can internalize/process this information a bit better - if you like!

It sounds like her illness is making you a bit anxious and worried. That can happen. It's important to put a lot of attention on your own mental well-being. You can take breaks and do things to maintain your own peace of mind. Really, it is vital that you do. The psychological impact on you is also important!

I wanted to ask about this trip. Will you be completely out of touch with her these two weeks?

Also, keep in mind, communication mistakes are inevitable. Situations can come at you fast! You do not have to be perfect, just try to do your best!

wishing you the best, pearl.

[Learningcurve18]

Hi Anxiousandworried,
its good to know other people here are in the same situation, i guess thats what brought us here, it really is an assault on the mind and emotions, where its very easy to hurt the one you love. thanks for your words.

[Learningcurve18]

Hi Tudx
When were not together we use whatsapp or text message, we're both not big on phone calls, so we tend to message each other most of the day.

How do you mean by consistent?
my life is the most hectic and random life possible, due to my father being very ill and requiring time from me and me being self employed running the family business.
i can never predict my working day and may have to go to a meeting or stay over
night somewhere, i know that this is a potential pinch point in our relationship as short term i cant really change much, but long term im working on getting help and to cover the majority of my working away.
 
i do know for this to work i need to re assess my work and life balance, which will be good for me as well as my GF.


When you say make sure she knows what to expect, does that mean speak to her and tell her that i will be uncontactable (when im in the mountains) be that only for a couple of days at most... .or do i need to reasure her that im going to be thinking about her and miss her ?
im going away to recharge and destress from work... this was booked before i met my GF... .in hindsight i would have cancelled but i need to go away and recharge.

[tudx]

About consistency:
Try not to give her reasons to doubt you. Once she becomes unsure about your feelings it may be much harder to fix.

You should definitely tell her that you'll be out of reach.
My problems with BPD GF begun when I didn't tell her why i stoped texting her for a while (although we saw each other everyday). That was also a lack of consistency on my side. Try to avoid it.

[Learningcurve18]

Hi Pearlx

yes i agree its a difficult line to walk between actually knowing its the illness that is the cause of this and not me.

i will read through your suggestions today and i will post my thoughts once ive absorbed them.

Yes im worried and anxious, the woman i love and care for deeply, is being hurt by an illness that uses my love and attention against her in the most negative ways possible... .its so cruel and unfair!
im working on my mental well being daily, i have had a bit of a difficult upbringing, with moving around a lot and not settling down, messy parents divorces and abuse in my childhood, but my work life is very stressful and busy and unpredictable, which is causing me great stress as i know my GF needs consistency and something to reply on, this is where i feel torn down the middle.

im going away on "holiday" for 2 weeks soon and this is worrying me because i dont want to cause her distress or worry, but i know the likelihood of this is high, how do we plan this so as to reduce the trauma ill cause?
ill be out of contact for a few days when i go to the mountains, no phone, no internet unless i walk 1.5 hours up a mountain into the next valley, believe me ive considered doing this every day!
ill make as much contact as possible, i just hope its enough

Yesterday we discussed setting up boundaries and weve committed to making this work, she knows that she needs more therapy and help and im prepared to support her and help her all i can.

i think im pressuring myself too much to get this right, were all human yeah? but the difference is, most humans dont hurt the one they love so easily

Thanks for the advice... .it really is appreciated.

[Learningcurve18]

Thanks Tudx

yes i understand that i need to be consistent with everything i do,
she already knows ill be out of reach for short periods, but i dont know exactly how she will react.

its a hard and fast lesson for me in being consistent and less random... .the way my life used to be.

[Learningcurve18]

Ok... so im in italy... have been here 5 days and 2 nights ago my GF attempted suicide... she cant cope... im so far away and feel lost and need to be with her... this is killing me...