Extremely bizarre and surreal experience last night. Must share.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Last night in an effort to get "back among the living" I went to dinner with a friend, then met some colleagues from work at a local pub in the city center. I was sitting at the bar with two co-workers, and I noticed for a split second that there was a man looking at me with what appeared to be "interest". I had made accidental eye contact with him for maybe half a second, read on his face that he had that "look"   and promptly ignored him.

I admittedly felt a twinge of annoyance, because after BPDex... .just... .no. I also saw from that brief second that he was what would be considered by today's standards to be very, very handsome, and also well dressed and had an air of some kind of wealth or prestige about him. Those things have always been turn-offs to me. I like quirky down to earth types, usually not "clean-cut" types... .and I'm never attracted to anyone I don't know well and have an intellectual and trust bond with. So I turned my back on him, and thought nothing else of it.

The night went on and maybe about an hour later, the person sitting next to me left, and immediately, that guy sat down and looked right at me and said in the local language. "You look very intelligent."

I was a bit shocked, and since I am not fluent, it took me a few seconds to understand. Then I laughed a bit and said in English, "Did you just say I look very intelligent?"

With a stone-face, no trace of a smirk or anything, he said "Oh. You speak English. No problem. So do I. Yes, that's what I said."

To be honest - I was in no mood. I really did not want to engage him, but he looked so... .oddly serious that it was... .sort of strange. But I didn't really care what this strange man thought, so I laughed and said "That's the worst pick-up line I have ever heard!"

His expression remained completely poker-faced. He said "What do you think is so bad about it?"

I said, "No man in a bar chats up a lady because he can tell from across the room that she's 'intelligent'". And I laughed some more... .because... .yeah.

Stone faced: "I don't think I'm wrong in my assessment, though. And I won't say you are not pretty. You are. But I would imagine your intelligence is also extremely above average. You respond quickly and cleverly. And I can tell by your eyes that your intellectual capacity is extremely well developed."

WHAT? Who says this?

So I said, "Well, you aren't wrong. I am very smart."

Him: "Has anyone ever called you a besserwisser?" (German word for know-it-all.)

I said, "Yes, my ex. He hated it." (exBPD)

He said, "Do you miss him?"

I said, "Yes." And got teary and turned away. I figured this odd man would leave.

He bought me a beer, and put it down. By now, I was stunned at his... .I don't know... .gall?

I said, "You just bought a beer for a crying besserwisser who misses her ex?"

He said, "Sure. That was my original intent. Nothing you have said has altered that."

It now dawned on me that this guy was... .a bit out of the ordinary. He was extremely rigid. Almost seeming a bit cold, or aloof. But very honest and direct as well, and as we chatted more, I realized that he was extremely intelligent as well, and also talked like a scientist or as though he was conveying data, but not really with any warmth or personality. But he didn't scare me or seem psychopathic... .just like someone who was so smart that his social skills were extremely stiff and he seemed a bit tightly wound.

My friend that I had met earlier is a similar type, works in the sciences, and I rather like this sort, as they mesh well with me and all my INTJ oddities. I suspected this guy was one too. We drank another beer, and continued to talk, and while he was very rigid, he was interesting and yes, very bright.

He asked if I wanted to take a walk around the city and while that might sound like a risky idea - and I suppose it was... .oddly my radar was NOT triggered. And it was a crowded night and the streets were teeming with people. We began to walk and I commented on the aesthetic beauty of one of the newer architectural structures, and he began to tell me in complex description about the construction specifications, right down to the foundation of the structure and it's depth, etc. And then some other surrounding structures as well. I laughed, as I didn't know if he was crazy, joking, maybe had Asbergers and one of his traits was to learn those facts... .it didn't matter, but it was ODD. So I said, "What, did you design this yourself or something?" And he said, "Yes."

And that one there too?

"Yes"

And that one?

"Yes that one too."

No change in his expression. It was such an unexpected claim that I just let it drop. Then we kept walking and he changed the subject to other more day to day stuff. We walked and talked for a long time. And went to another pub. Had another beer. And he looked at me and said, "You are really fun to hang out with." And... .smiled. For real.

I said, "You are too, actually! Thank you! And I enjoyed hearing about your architectural prowess."

He laughed and said, "Wow - that's a first!"

I couldn't figure out if he was nuts or not. But he was growing on me.

We walked around some more, and we got to a nice part of town and he said "I live in this building. Do you want to come up?"

I said, "Whoa! Hold it right there man! I just met you!" And I laughed and said "I'm not gonna sleep with you!"

And he said (very serious expression). "Ok, wanna drink wine and listen to music and talk about art and architecture instead then?"

And no sane woman would have accepted. But I am not always sane, and I actually wanted to. So I went up. (Yeah, I know. But I trust my gut.)

He lives in a nice part of the city center, and the apartment was tastefully furnished, very clean and minimalist, and really beautiful. Not huge, not extravagant, but nice, and classy in a very mellow way.

He opened a bottle of red wine, and turned on some music. There is a very moody, sad, obscure song about lost love that I used to listed to A LOT when things were going bad with my BPD ex. He hated it. He said it was "too depressing". It was that song. I said, "You like this song?" And he said "Yes, it's absolutely beautiful. It's haunting, really."

I was stunned. We talked all night long about art, and he told me some more, without massive detail, about other structural projects all over the world, that I assumed he meant he had designed. It began to rain so we went and sat on the covered balcony which overlooked a beautiful garden and other lovely buildings, including one that looked like a castle. I said "Did you do that too?" He smiled and said "Nope, way before my time. But I wish" I did learn that he had been in a six year relationship, it ended a year ago, but he still is a stepfather figure to her two teenage sons, and the split was not acrimonious at all. So that was nice to hear.

Later on I got really tired, and he made me a bed on the couch and gave me one of his t-shirts to sleep in. Never laid a hand on me, never made a move. I woke up to pee at about 0400 and panicked, because I had no idea where the hell I was. Then I remembered. Three was no urge to book out of there. I went back to sleep. Woke up to find him making an absolutely stunning breakfast and coffee. We ate, and talked more, and at about 11:30, I told him I really should go home and let him have his privacy back. And he said, "I have really loved having you here and hanging out with you. Do you want to meet again?" I did, actually. I gave him my phone number, he gave me a hug (a REALLY nice one) and I left.

As soon as I got on the subway I grabbed my phone and googled him to see if there was any truth at all to what he said about the buildings, or if he was just insane.

He was telling the truth. And there was his picture next to one of the biggest projects, still ongoing.

It was all true. About all the buildings and the massive projects. All of them. I found his business, and researched it. The man is insanely wealthy. Like... .ridiculous. His apartment was a sign that he's not flashy or prone to great displays of wealth. I have never been the money-hungry type, and tend to avoid wealthy men like the plague, to be honest. But he really is very, very measured, and had zero braggart tendencies. He has been responsible for the design of multiple massive development projects world wide, but never went on about that, EXCEPT to talk about the specs. Never anything materialistic, or grand. Just the specs... .So yes, he's utterly brilliant, and I think that explains a lot about his odd quirky social behavior. Which turned out to be... .really nice. I do like the guy.

He texted me about the time I was getting home and told me again that I was really a fun person to be with, and he hoped I got home safe and wished me a nice day. We agreed to meet again.

Ok, so I know. "You drank with a strange man and went to his house?" Yes. For once in my life, I did something a bit out of character and NOT measured and cautious. Mainly because my gut told me it was ok. And it was. Will I make a habit of it with others? Absolutely not.

But it was one of the most unique experiences of my life. And the conversations we had were some of the deepest I have ever had with anyone. It's rare I find people that get my odd personality. I have a VERY STRONG suspicion it's the same for this guy.   I don't give a rat's a$$ about his bank account, but his brain is HUGE.

I cried when I got home. I miss my ex, and felt guilty about having a good time with another man. And I don't know if I "feel anything" much yet. But I was very impressed by his intelligence... .and his cooking. 

[BasementDweller]

Last night in an effort to get "back among the living" I went to dinner with a friend, then met some colleagues from work at a local pub in the city center. I was sitting at the bar with two co-workers, and I noticed for a split second that there was a man looking at me with what appeared to be "interest". I had made accidental eye contact with him for maybe half a second, read on his face that he had that "look"   and promptly ignored him.

I admittedly felt a twinge of annoyance, because after BPDex... .just... .no. I also saw from that brief second that he was what would be considered by today's standards to be very, very handsome, and also well dressed and had an air of some kind of wealth or prestige about him. Those things have always been turn-offs to me. I like quirky down to earth types, usually not "clean-cut" types... .and I'm never attracted to anyone I don't know well and have an intellectual and trust bond with. So I turned my back on him, and thought nothing else of it.

The night went on and maybe about an hour later, the person sitting next to me left, and immediately, that guy sat down and looked right at me and said in the local language. "You look very intelligent."

I was a bit shocked, and since I am not fluent, it took me a few seconds to understand. Then I laughed a bit and said in English, "Did you just say I look very intelligent?"

With a stone-face, no trace of a smirk or anything, he said "Oh. You speak English. No problem. So do I. Yes, that's what I said."

To be honest - I was in no mood. I really did not want to engage him, but he looked so... .oddly serious that it was... .sort of strange. But I didn't really care what this strange man thought, so I laughed and said "That's the worst pick-up line I have ever heard!"

His expression remained completely poker-faced. He said "What do you think is so bad about it?"

I said, "No man in a bar chats up a lady because he can tell from across the room that she's 'intelligent'". And I laughed some more... .because... .yeah.

Stone faced: "I don't think I'm wrong in my assessment, though. And I won't say you are not pretty. You are. But I would imagine your intelligence is also extremely above average. You respond quickly and cleverly. And I can tell by your eyes that your intellectual capacity is extremely well developed."

WHAT? Who says this?

So I said, "Well, you aren't wrong. I am very smart."

Him: "Has anyone ever called you a besserwisser?" (German word for know-it-all.)

I said, "Yes, my ex. He hated it." (exBPD)

He said, "Do you miss him?"

I said, "Yes." And got teary and turned away. I figured this odd man would leave.

He bought me a beer, and put it down. By now, I was stunned at his... .I don't know... .gall?

I said, "You just bought a beer for a crying besserwisser who misses her ex?"

He said, "Sure. That was my original intent. Nothing you have said has altered that."

It now dawned on me that this guy was... .a bit out of the ordinary. He was extremely rigid. Almost seeming a bit cold, or aloof. But very honest and direct as well, and as we chatted more, I realized that he was extremely intelligent as well, and also talked like a scientist or as though he was conveying data, but not really with any warmth or personality. But he didn't scare me or seem psychopathic... .just like someone who was so smart that his social skills were extremely stiff and he seemed a bit tightly wound.

My friend that I had met earlier is a similar type, works in the sciences, and I rather like this sort, as they mesh well with me and all my INTJ oddities. I suspected this guy was one too. We drank another beer, and continued to talk, and while he was very rigid, he was interesting and yes, very bright.

He asked if I wanted to take a walk around the city and while that might sound like a risky idea - and I suppose it was... .oddly my radar was NOT triggered. And it was a crowded night and the streets were teeming with people. We began to walk and I commented on the aesthetic beauty of one of the newer architectural structures, and he began to tell me in complex description about the construction specifications, right down to the foundation of the structure and it's depth, etc. And then some other surrounding structures as well. I laughed, as I didn't know if he was crazy, joking, maybe had Asbergers and one of his traits was to learn those facts... .it didn't matter, but it was ODD. So I said, "What, did you design this yourself or something?" And he said, "Yes."

And that one there too?

"Yes"

And that one?

"Yes that one too."

No change in his expression. It was such an unexpected claim that I just let it drop. Then we kept walking and he changed the subject to other more day to day stuff. We walked and talked for a long time. And went to another pub. Had another beer. And he looked at me and said, "You are really fun to hang out with." And... .smiled. For real.

I said, "You are too, actually! Thank you! And I enjoyed hearing about your architectural prowess."

He laughed and said, "Wow - that's a first!"

I couldn't figure out if he was nuts or not. But he was growing on me.

We walked around some more, and we got to a nice part of town and he said "I live in this building. Do you want to come up?"

I said, "Whoa! Hold it right there man! I just met you!" And I laughed and said "I'm not gonna sleep with you!"

And he said (very serious expression). "Ok, wanna drink wine and listen to music and talk about art and architecture instead then?"

And no sane woman would have accepted. But I am not always sane, and I actually wanted to. So I went up. (Yeah, I know. But I trust my gut.)

He lives in a nice part of the city center, and the apartment was tastefully furnished, very clean and minimalist, and really beautiful. Not huge, not extravagant, but nice, and classy in a very mellow way.

He opened a bottle of red wine, and turned on some music. There is a very moody, sad, obscure song about lost love that I used to listed to A LOT when things were going bad with my BPD ex. He hated it. He said it was "too depressing". It was that song. I said, "You like this song?" And he said "Yes, it's absolutely beautiful. It's haunting, really."

I was stunned. We talked all night long about art, and he told me some more, without massive detail, about other structural projects all over the world, that I assumed he meant he had designed. It began to rain so we went and sat on the covered balcony which overlooked a beautiful garden and other lovely buildings, including one that looked like a castle. I said "Did you do that too?" He smiled and said "Nope, way before my time. But I wish" I did learn that he had been in a six year relationship, it ended a year ago, but he still is a stepfather figure to her two teenage sons, and the split was not acrimonious at all. So that was nice to hear.

Later on I got really tired, and he made me a bed on the couch and gave me one of his t-shirts to sleep in. Never laid a hand on me, never made a move. I woke up to pee at about 0400 and panicked, because I had no idea where the hell I was. Then I remembered. Three was no urge to book out of there. I went back to sleep. Woke up to find him making an absolutely stunning breakfast and coffee. We ate, and talked more, and at about 11:30, I told him I really should go home and let him have his privacy back. And he said, "I have really loved having you here and hanging out with you. Do you want to meet again?" I did, actually. I gave him my phone number, he gave me a hug (a REALLY nice one) and I left.

As soon as I got on the subway I grabbed my phone and googled him to see if there was any truth at all to what he said about the buildings, or if he was just insane.

He was telling the truth. And there was his picture next to one of the biggest projects, still ongoing.

It was all true. About all the buildings and the massive projects. All of them. I found his business, and researched it. The man is insanely wealthy. Like... .ridiculous. His apartment was a sign that he's not flashy or prone to great displays of wealth. I have never been the money-hungry type, and tend to avoid wealthy men like the plague, to be honest. But he really is very, very measured, and had zero braggart tendencies. He has been responsible for the design of multiple massive development projects world wide, but never went on about that, EXCEPT to talk about the specs. Never anything materialistic, or grand. Just the specs... .So yes, he's utterly brilliant, and I think that explains a lot about his odd quirky social behavior. Which turned out to be... .really nice. I do like the guy.

He texted me about the time I was getting home and told me again that I was really a fun person to be with, and he hoped I got home safe and wished me a nice day. We agreed to meet again.

Ok, so I know. "You drank with a strange man and went to his house?" Yes. For once in my life, I did something a bit out of character and NOT measured and cautious. Mainly because my gut told me it was ok. And it was. Will I make a habit of it with others? Absolutely not.

But it was one of the most unique experiences of my life. And the conversations we had were some of the deepest I have ever had with anyone. It's rare I find people that get my odd personality. I have a VERY STRONG suspicion it's the same for this guy.   I don't give a rat's a$$ about his bank account, but his brain is HUGE.

I cried when I got home. I miss my ex, and felt guilty about having a good time with another man. And I don't know if I "feel anything" much yet. But I was very impressed by his intelligence... .and his cooking. 

[pearlsw]

Hey BD,

Welcome back! I'm just getting caught up on all of your stuff!   

Oh. my. gosh! I am so here for this story! I was on pins and needles wondering where it was going! It was like a movie!

I was so into Mr. Specs! I tell ya, girl, go against type. Sometimes the guy you thought you would never date... .might turn out to be exactly the guy to date!

I met a guy once after a breakup who was direct like this. He turned out to be incredibly wonderful and because he was so different... .it was just refreshing, eye-opening, other worldly.

I don't see these two characters sleeping together until at least the 2nd act though.

Ah, come on! He spotted a smart gal! Just take the compliment!

You made my morning! Just when I think I have zero interest in romance... .the gals around here and their romance stories sweep me away! hahahaah.

Enjoy! And thanks for making my day!

~pearl.

[Cromwell]

Hi BasementDweller.

Bizarre and surreal, two terms that were almost my go to stock of descriptors if asked to describe what the relationship was like after I went No Contact.

I think part of it was rooted in anxiety at that time, its interesting to see that it was especially strong for about 2 months after going No Contact and I was pretty much were I say you were now - meeting new people, getting my life back - yet still thinking of her too much without wanting to. Still wondering if she was really out of my life or was this just another split up to be recycled again - prevented me from dating, when I started to date I was surprised at some compliments I got - I wondered what anyone saw in me - in my own mind I felt like I just came out of a war zone. Regardless of where things go with your new friend - I think its great that in the midst of it all you are expanding a social network I found it invaluable as a way of finding myself again and shifting the locus away from my ex who had over time gravitated to becoming centre stage in my life.

Nice to read a postive outcome, you are good writer, the first half I thought "oh, no - what tragedy is this going to end". I like how it switched so well.

[BasementDweller]

Hi, pearl!   How are you? I've been catching up with your stuff as well... .yikes. It seems we're both having a time of it.

I'm trying to emerge from the darkness now, and hoping for better days. Slow but sure. It's mostly hit or miss.

Hahaha! I appreciate your enthusiasm for this rather unique social development. I am definitely NOT eager to take this relationship to the next level in the "biblical sense" any time soon. I am very slow to warm with anybody in that regard... .and I still miss my ex horribly and feel attached to him... .so I'm not ready. But this guy was nice company, (a bit unusual, but I'm ok with that) and if I hear from him again, I'll see him again. I can be "intellectually promiscuous", though, so if I meet a man with a big throbbing brain, I'll usually consider a mental roll in the hay if he's got what it takes.   

He may be sitting at work today thinking "Wow, what a weird woman. What a strange night. Best leave that one alone." ;-) If that's the case... .I'm ok with that. We'll see.

Right now I just want to get back on my feet and start to feel human again.

It was nice to do something other than sit at home and feel sorry for myself. And I guess I can justify the risk I took by saying if he WAS a serial killer... .my BPD related problems would be over. Ok, morbid humor I know. 

Cromwell - Yes, haha! I thought that too. And at first I was just trying to get rid of him because I really didn't want to be bothered. I think the fact that he was socially awkward meant that he didn't even catch on - which... .maybe kinda worked. He was probably calculating his whole approach and odds of succeeding in complex mathematical terms, anyway. My weeping over my ex likely didn't even compute, haha.

But yes, I definitely don't feel like dating so much yet, other than casual dinners and such. My approach to physical intimacy has always been cautious, and if I have a committed relationship with a man, there has to be a long period of "recovery" before I feel ok about having intimacy with anyone else... .even if the break-up was not abrupt and dramatic. But since this one was... .that makes it even more difficult. It was nice though, to be complimented on my intelligence more than my appearance.

MY BPD ex claimed to be very impressed with my intelligence and often complimented me too, until he began to feel threatened. Then he would say that I was using it to manipulate and abuse him and make him feel inferior. Of course that was absolutely NOT the case. Ever. But yeah. That's how he felt, so it was a fact to him, and therefore, my fault. I started to feel guilty about being smart. That's how twisted up you get in these relationships.

"I wondered what anyone saw in me - in my own mind I felt like I just came out of a war zone. "

Yes, just like that. And the whole time I was talking to him when he first approached me, I started to seriously wonder if my ex-hired him to mess with my mind - and especially when he played that song. But of course that was ridiculous... .but I am so hardwired now to expect the worst.

[Cromwell]

and if I have a committed relationship with a man, there has to be a long period of "recovery" before I feel ok about having intimacy with anyone else... .even if the break-up was not abrupt and dramatic. But since this one was... .that makes it even more difficult. It was nice though, to be complimented on my intelligence more than my appearance.

Its a personal thing I guess, a rebound relationship - im undecided, I often feel that this is the longest ive been single, maybe despite how ive felt and at times at the start, I thought obsessively, not of her so much as the traumatic stuff that happened, as well as her continued stalking. Just like you said you wondered if your ex hired him, and there was a few triggers; I felt the same, wary, edgy sometimes self forced healthy dose of paranoid. She stalked all her other exs, I expected the same - she did but it was milder than I thought it would be - yet thats ok in hindsight, I didnt know what she would do - especially my main concern if she found out I was with someone new. Just wondering, what do you think your ex would react if you really would have started something more with this new friend? Is there anxiety about what he might do?
[/quote]

MY BPD ex claimed to be very impressed with my intelligence and often complimented me too, until he began to feel threatened. Then he would say that I was using it to manipulate and abuse him and make him feel inferior. Of course that was absolutely NOT the case. Ever. But yeah. That's how he felt, so it was a fact to him, and therefore, my fault. I started to feel guilty about being smart. That's how twisted up you get in these relationships.

I got the same it was one of the few compliments asides from "nice haircut" - she said it in the midst of me interrupting her in a start of rage mode, she just blurted out "your really smart" - I wonder along the same lines if this is either just another way of beguiling people or as you say - there is concern if they think you are able to outwit them. My ex chose guys she could control easily, not by their looks.

Yes, just like that. And the whole time I was talking to him when he first approached me, I started to seriously wonder if my ex-hired him to mess with my mind - and especially when he played that song. But of course that was ridiculous... .but I am so hardwired now to expect the worst.

Just triggers, I think your strong now to see them for that, but theres nothing wrong with being cautious until you feel better - even the thought that your ex might do a thing, regardless if he does - it says a lot about how youve been affected and how much trust there is. I can relate and in the circumstances I think it was brave for you to give this guy a chance.

Your description of his response made me laugh again, Im just wondering if he is foreign - there is strong cultural differences that can come across as socially awkward to us but normal for him.

He was probably calculating his whole approach and odds of succeeding in complex mathematical terms, anyway. My weeping over my ex likely didn't even compute, haha.

This really made me    thanks BD. 

[BasementDweller]

Hi, Cromwell! 

 I know the reference to him computing his approach in mathematical structural terms was pretty silly, but I think there may be at least a grain of truth to it. Though to his credit, he sent me some rather humorous texts today, and even included a smiley. Damn near soiled myself.

There was also a stellar moment when I teased him a bit because I was in burning pain after trudging up a two-story escalator that was disabled in a building that was one of his babies, and I joked about cursing his name as I was getting to the top few steps. He didn't reply immediately, and it occurred to me that I may have offended him, because yes, there are some pretty unique cultural differences here that can translate a bit strangely, especially via text. And BPD ex took everything as an insult and went apesh!t over the mildest things. So I'm still a bit edgy.

I wasn't panicking in any way, but about 30 minutes later, he wrote back jokingly telling me to blame the contractor because he has been free of that project for 15 years, then said, "Sorry for late reply, I was out for a run."

I answered back that I was glad that he hadn't been offended by what I thought might have been lost in translation. Just as that message went through, he wrote at the same time: "I am clarifying the late reply in case you thought you had offended me, because I know how much you like to overthink. ;-)"

It was... .awesome. Cultural differences or not, he seems to get me, and our awkwardness appears to be the exact same type.

I definitely know I am just a bit hyper-vigilant, and there is no way my ex, as unhinged as he can be, would goad some guy into hitting on me and making up an elaborate scheme. Not only did he have no idea where I was that night, he also isn't actually like that. We are almost NC right now save for a few practical matters, and when he has me split black, he doesn't stalk or bother me - he shuns and avoids me. I think at this point if I started seeing someone else, he'd be relieved or not care at all. Maybe that would change after some time and space if he got nostalgic. But now, he hates me. Or, well, last time he saw me he was tolerant. But hardly warm.

Lastly, I can't imagine a guy as rigid and rational as the architectural engineer being able to tolerate my ex's violent mood swings and rampant emotionalism long enough to make a transaction of any kind with him. ;-)

I think your ex probably did mean the compliments she gave you, even if she blurted them out in the middle of a rage. My ex would sometimes accessorize a barrage of insults with a few genuine compliments... .just to keep things exciting, I suppose, or to make himself feel like less of a bad guy. "Yes I called you the anti-christ and told you I hoped you died a horrible painful death, then burned in hell for an eternity, but you ARE a really good cook!"

Thanks, bro. That fixes everything. 

Are you still being stalked or has it settled down?

[Cromwell]

Hi Basement

Im really pleased to hear there is no past behaviour of him being stalkerish towards you.

Yep, its stopped - just as I was getting used to it. I dont know what she is up to, but soon can - in 2 weeks thats a year detached and the psychic hotline upgrading me to a gold member and can alert me as soon as they sense my trash can being rummaged through.

[Cat Familiar]

What a nice palate cleanser--to have spent an evening with a nice guy who enjoys you!    Whether it progresses or not, it's a wonderful affirmation of you being a lovely, intelligent, attractive companion.

Much like BeagleGirl's Neighbor B, there are possibilities here. Both men seem emotionally mature and are not pushing things to advance quickly.

All in all, it's a very nice validation and he seems like someone who appreciates you for being you. 

[BasementDweller]

Hi Basement

Im really pleased to hear there is no past behaviour of him being stalkerish towards you.

There was a bit more in the beginning of the relationship - the first year or so. He was love-bombing and really clingy. Would show up at my work unannounced and being VERY demonstrative about his love,  and all the girls would be like "Oh, he's no nice and adorable!" and the guys would say "Dude, he's nuts. Be careful." Says a lot, eh? ;-) I found it a bit much, but now I miss it, in retrospect, when I think about the cruel, cold, hateful behavior he displayed in the end. I guess that's the BPD curse - all or nothing. The damage that does to the non, at least for a while, is that anyone "normal" you first meet seems not to like you, because they aren't completely over the top in their efforts. I'm trying to remember what the rational approach feels like again, haha.

Yep, its stopped - just as I was getting used to it. I dont know what she is up to, but soon can - in 2 weeks thats a year detached and the psychic hotline upgrading me to a gold member and can alert me as soon as they sense my trash can being rummaged through.

  When the trash rummaging starts then it's getting real, haha! I'm glad to know it's let up. I've heard this theory about "gray rock" and if you just become super boring and dull, they lose interest, because there is nothing to see. Never had to test the theory myself, but I guess if your stalker gets no rise out of you, and no pleasure out of finding any dirt, maybe they do go elsewhere for their daily dose of drama.

What a nice palate cleanser--to have spent an evening with a nice guy who enjoys you!    Whether it progresses or not, it's a wonderful affirmation of you being a lovely, intelligent, attractive companion.

Much like BeagleGirl's Neighbor B, there are possibilities here. Both men seem emotionally mature and are not pushing things to advance quickly.

All in all, it's a very nice validation and he seems like someone who appreciates you for being you. 

Thanks, Cat! Yes, it is nice, and while he's a bit stiff (and I guess anyone would be after a pwBPD) it's kind of a refreshing change to NOT be overwhelmed by violent mood swings and such. The good thing is (I guess in a weird way) that I am still really sad about my ex. I miss him and I still do love him, so I am not feeling really "giddy" about any new man. If one shows me attention, then it doesn't pan out, I won't be heartbroken, or feel let down - because I'm not even ready for this. Either way, I can see this being a guy I could enjoy having dinner and a beer with anytime whether it were dating or just friends. So that's cool. I like to chat with intelligent people who have interesting professions and things to say.

Oh, yes, BeagleGirl and Neighbor B.   I have to have a look in on that thread. He sounds like a nice chap.

[Educated_Guess]

Wow!  This guy must have hit your INTJ buttons with his conversation.  I am an INTP.  It can be hard to meet anyone you can click with on an intellectual level.  Good for you for taking the chance!

[BasementDweller]

Wow!  This guy must have hit your INTJ buttons with his conversation.  I am an INTP.  It can be hard to meet anyone you can click with on an intellectual level.  Good for you for taking the chance!

Hi, educated_guess! Yes, I think you're right. INTP's are similar - I have a very good friend who is an INTP. We click quite well. I suppose while I don't normally chat with random strangers (especially men in bars) this guy was just odd and quirky enough... .to be interesting and non-threatening. I guess I am glad I talked to him. Don't know what will happen, but it was a nice evening and certainly it provided some really nice memories. It was also nice to be around someone who wasn't dysregulating all over the place. 

[Cat Familiar]

I'm another INTJ. There aren't many of us. We can be quirky, but we're never bored--there's always something that intrigues us wherever we are.

[BasementDweller]

I'm another INTJ. There aren't many of us. We can be quirky, but we're never bored--there's always something that intrigues us wherever we are.

Ah, cool! Yeah, it's an unusual type, especially for women. I would love to be bored - at least for a minute but the tornado in my head won't allow it. But yes, I'm typically very intrigued by any problem that needs to be solved. Leads me to wonder if my exBPD was fascinating to me simply because of his bizarre and erratic thought processes. It was like a puzzle that needed solving. Eventually it become too frustrating because my innate desire for people to just "make sense" took over. I probably failed at validation a number of times, because not countering lunacy with logic was so damn hard for me.

[Cat Familiar]

But yes, I'm typically very intrigued by any problem that needs to be solved.

Yes, I love to figure out stuff, even things that have no real world application to my life. I was rather clueless about what I wanted to study when in college. If I were able to do it over, I'd most likely be some sort of researcher or engineer. But on the other hand, my interests are so varied that it would be hard to narrow it down to just one avenue.

Leads me to wonder if my exBPD was fascinating to me simply because of his bizarre and erratic thought processes. It was like a puzzle that needed solving.

Me too. I thought I'd be able to come up with a strategy to manage my husband, just through using logic. Well, logic didn't work but with what I've learned here, I can do quite well. He is a high functioning BPD, so that makes it a lot easier.

My first husband, also BPD and who knows what else, was far too impossible for me to ever be able to cope with, although I tried for many years. I would get to a point where I felt that I was finally getting things under control, whether they be financial, extramarital, physically and verbally abusive behavior, substance abuse, etc.  I would take a deep breath and think somehow I had "managed it." Then, almost immediately, he'd create a brand new crisis for me to deal with.

Eventually it become too frustrating because my innate desire for people to just "make sense" took over. I probably failed at validation a number of times, because not countering lunacy with logic was so damn hard for me.

I struggle with that everyday. I'm finally getting it through my thick head that explaining is "E" in JADEing, but still I often don't catch myself doing that until I've already done it.   But I have caught myself in the midst, so I guess I can count that as progress.

[Educated_Guess]

My best friend, who is an INTJ and a psychologist, says that we are drawn to dysfunction because we want to figure it out.  It is a mystery to solve.  It is a challenge.  There's more than a little truth to that for me.

I usually have to go through a lot of struggle in a relationship before I come to this realization:

"I don't understand about diamonds
And why men buy them
What's so impressive about a diamond
Except the mining?

But it's dangerous work
Trying to get to you, too
And I think if I didn't have to kill
Kill, kill, kill, kill myself doing it
Maybe I wouldn't think so much of you"

- Fiona Apple, "Red Red Red"

I'm a coal miner's daughter so mining is in my blood.  I just do a different type of mining is all.

[mousemat]

Okay, this is now my new favourite thread.

BasementDweller, if you don't keep us up to date, we will hound you.      (just kidding)

[BasementDweller]

Me too. I thought I'd be able to come up with a strategy to manage my husband, just through using logic. Well, logic didn't work but with what I've learned here, I can do quite well. He is a high functioning BPD, so that makes it a lot easier.

My first husband, also BPD and who knows what else, was far too impossible for me to ever be able to cope with, although I tried for many years. I would get to a point where I felt that I was finally getting things under control, whether they be financial, extramarital, physically and verbally abusive behavior, substance abuse, etc.  I would take a deep breath and think somehow I had "managed it." Then, almost immediately, he'd create a brand new crisis for me to deal with.

Hi Cat - I'm sorry to hear that you too had to endure this. It was the same with my recent BPDex. He was actually high functioning in some ways, but low functioning at home in all the ways you described. He was very good at inventing new crises when I had managed to get the last one under control. He needed it. He couldn't do peace or harmony, unfortunately.

My best friend, who is an INTJ and a psychologist, says that we are drawn to dysfunction because we want to figure it out.  It is a mystery to solve.  It is a challenge.  There's more than a little truth to that for me.

Hello, EG! I never even thought of it this way until recently - but yes. I think that's exactly what happened with me and my ex. I really did see his twisted mind (as I see any "problem") as something to theorize about, and solve. Unfortunately, logic is kryptonite to an emotionally disordered person. (And emotional dysregulation is kryptonite for me.) Alas, it was a recipe for disaster. I'm normally drawn to my own kind, but he was the exception to my every rule. I shared some wonderful things with him that I never had with anyone before. But the bad was oh, so bad.

Okay, this is now my new favourite thread.

BasementDweller, if you don't keep us up to date, we will hound you.      (just kidding)

Haha! Hound away, mousemat! I hope I don't disappoint you. I don't know if anything will come of this, though. He may be way too busy, or find a better option, or decide... ."nah". Or I may chicken out. But if anything else strange and magical happens, I'll update. 

[Cromwell]

im not sure how much this might just be confabulation, sure my ex didnt make sense at times - im talking mostly the punishment/reward cycles but i never once recall expericing all that turmoil and thinking

"jeez, what the heck is going on, im gonna stick around to figure out this girl"

It could well have been but subconcious thought again it wasnt a reason for staying in the relationship.

I can see how thinking that way might give some comfort why I never left, but ive got to guard against that, as soon au interesting but in pursuit of breaking some enigma code - I wasted my time, not because I couldnt, but because it doesnt exist. There is no rational or logic that can be applied to insanity, thats the whole point of being insane in the first place.

[Educated_Guess]

I can see how thinking that way might give some comfort why I never left, but ive got to guard against that, as soon au interesting but in pursuit of breaking some enigma code - I wasted my time, not because I couldnt, but because it doesnt exist. There is no rational or logic that can be applied to insanity, thats the whole point of being insane in the first place.

I see what you are saying here and, yes, the behavior isn't rational or logical.  But there is a pattern here which suggests some kind of causal order.  The patterns are consistent enough that there is a set criteria for BPD in the DSM.

That's what gets me - seeing the patterns.  I want to figure out what the patterns are and why they exist.  It is my curiosity that draws me in, but you know what they say about curiosity and the cat... .

[mousemat]

Oh my ... .so much analysis!     I say just run with it and have some fun.  Like all of us here, you've learned lessons from the past which will help protect you.

Finding a "right person" is (IMHO) basically just a question of luck - being in the right place at the right moment.  That's not to say we don't practice self-care as we get to know someone, it just means being open to experience, which you have been!

I'm reminded of this quote from an article I read recently:

People who have found themselves in relationships got lucky.  They met someone they liked, who liked them in return.  Single people who are actively dating simply haven’t got lucky yet.

It’s not their fault.  Sure, they have flaws, but who the hell doesn’t have flaws?  Flawed people find partners all the time.  Remind your friends that it’s just luck.  They’ve been unlucky up until now.  They may get their lucky break soon, or they may not.  Luck is unpredictable that way.

_{source:  www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life-and-relationships/the-one-question-married-women-should-ask-their-single-friends-20180802-p4zv29.html}

Enjoy yourself, you totally deserve it.

[BasementDweller]

I see what you are saying here and, yes, the behavior isn't rational or logical.  But there is a pattern here which suggests some kind of causal order.  The patterns are consistent enough that there is a set criteria for BPD in the DSM.

That's what gets me - seeing the patterns.  I want to figure out what the patterns are and why they exist.  It is my curiosity that draws me in, but you know what they say about curiosity and the cat... .

Exactly this. My BPDex was very complex. He didn't just emotionally over-express himself in a disorganized and disorderly manner. He was very cerebral much of the time and when he was managing, he was very insightful and analytical in his own way. I enjoyed his mind and had a good intellectual bond with him. It was when the demons took over that things went to pot, sadly. I miss the "good" side of him. But don't we all? It's well known that there is a very fine line between brilliance and insanity. Many pwBPD are highly intelligent, creative people. A large part of their emotional instability may come from hypersensitivity coupled with incredibly high intelligence and hyper-awareness. The smarter you are, the more you know, and the more you know, the more difficult reality can be to stomach sometimes. Emotionally stable people even struggle with life as we know it. Those with BPD... .it's hell for them. The only thing keeping me out of the loony bin is a (usually) tight reign on my emotional state. If I hadn't mastered that, I shudder to imagine where I'd be.

Oh my ... .so much analysis!     I say just run with it and have some fun.  Like all of us here, you've learned lessons from the past which will help protect you.

Finding a "right person" is (IMHO) basically just a question of luck - being in the right place at the right moment.  That's not to say we don't practice self-care as we get to know someone, it just means being open to experience, which you have been!

I'm reminded of this quote from an article I read recently:

Enjoy yourself, you totally deserve it.

Baby steps! :-) Right now I am just trying to enjoy life without the chaos. I miss my partner a lot, and the good parts of the life we had together. I don't miss the tears, frustration, alienation, and insomnia. My little apartment is lonely, and that's the hardest part. I'm trying to get out more (even though I'm very introverted and socializing drains me) just so I am not left alone with my racing thoughts in that spartan little box for too long. That might land me in a padded cell wearing a crisp, white, wrap-around "dinner jacket". ;-) Nobody needs that. 

[Husband321]

I'm another INTJ. There aren't many of us. We can be quirky, but we're never bored--there's always something that intrigues us wherever we are.

I believe Clarisse and Hannibal were fictional INTJ's.   

I am as well, and I think that played a part in my attachment as well. I was always trying to "figure out" her and her behavior.

[BasementDweller]

I believe Clarisse and Hannibal were fictional INTJ's.   

I am as well, and I think that played a part in my attachment as well. I was always trying to "figure out" her and her behavior.

Hi, Husband321! 

Ah, now that says a lot, haha. I almost made a Hannibal Lecter joke in my last post. ;-)

Another INTJ - now that's interesting... .It seems there may be something to this, perhaps. I have a really good friend who is also a dyed-in-the-wool textbook INTJ and he has a BPDgf. She's a real handful. Chronically unemployed from all her "problems" at work, cuts herself, screaming meltdowns, etc. He's been with her almost six years. I never understood how the hell that calm, rational, incredibly sane man dealt with it. It's a mystery to everyone who knows them.