First Post: Deciding if I should go back

[looking_ahead]

Hi, this is my first time posting here.  My girlfriend of over three years has BPD.  She isn't willing to believe it, even though her therapist confirmed it months ago, and she fits many of the criteria.  I'm posting here to decide what to do next.  We're currently broken up but communicating often.  And while I was on the path to reversing the breakup, she's made some choices recently that may prevent me from ever taking her back.  Any insight and wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

I love her very much, but our relationship has been chaotic at best.  At first, I thought it was our age gap, since she was 18 and much younger than me.  Her reactions to things were strange and extreme, but I figured it was a lack of life experience.  But our fights would come out of the blue, and she would yell and scream for hours or even days.  I would do my best to deescalate the fights, but it never worked.  Every time she had one of her "meltdowns" as she called them, she would just have to burn herself out.  But once she did, everything was back to normal.

After a year and a half, we'd started getting into a rhythm.  I could predict the worst fights, and either head them off, or keep my head down until they blew over.  Of course I knew this wasn't normal behavior, but her good times were good enough that it was worth it.  She was also incredibly supportive during a time of deep loss in my life, and so moving on was just not something I could stomach.  But then the fights grew worse, and at a year and a half, we broke up.  However, instead of moving on, I stuck it out, and dealt with three months of utter torture and rollercoasters to get her back.

But it worked.  And for the first few months, we worked on the relationship, improving quite a bit.  The fights reduced, we started doing a lot of activities together, and almost every complaint I had was resolved.  At that time, I purchased a house, and planned for her to either find her own apartment, or continue living with her parents until she was out of school.  Unfortunately, she insisted that she move in, despite my attempts to dissuade her.  Not only that, but the house was less than a minute drive from her parents, so if anything went south, I would be stuck living near her.  But, within days she had moved in.

Our time in the house together was good, but still marked with the same problems.  The first few months she was incredibly controlling, telling me what I could and couldn't do with the house.  I have a decent income, and she was in school, so largely I paid all of the bills and bought all of the food, which led to a growing frustration between us.  However, she was working for the first few months, but the stress of the job destabilized her to the point of self harm and constant threats of suicide.  Once she quit that job and got back into school, she stabilized.

However, then began the latest set of troubles.  Throughout our entire relationship, she often sought the attention of other men.  Whether to improve her self esteem, or test my love for her, she would suddenly start hanging out with a guy and tell me about it.  I don't tend to be very jealous, but I eventually asked her to stop, and she did.  There was one man in particular that I asked her to stay away from, but she largely refused, saying he was just a friend.  But starting a few months ago, she started asking to open up our relationship.  While I was curious about the idea, I told her no many times.  But then in May, after repeatedly telling me to, "just go sleep with someone and tell me about it later," I decided to test the waters and see what would happen.  I didn't have sex with anyone, but simply kissed another girl a few times.  But once it started, suddenly I was a terrible person for doing exactly what she asked.  And of course, she insisted on kissing the one man that I hated in particular.  And while I eventually did end things with that girl, it was too late, and my girlfriend broke up with me.

But, over the last month, she's kept in contact with me.  After hanging out every day for two weeks, we ended up sleeping together, and thing seemed on the mend.  But then she became distant, and I discovered she had gone through my Google Drive and read a bunch of letters meant for her that I had never sent.  I'd planned on giving her more details about the time I spent with the other girl, but figured to err on the side of under sharing rather than over sharing.  But suddenly she was hostile, and everything was worse than the initial breakup.

Fast forward two weeks, and we're talking and hanging out again.  But then she dropped a bomb on me.  Apparently over the last week, she had sex with three different men.  One is is the man I'd asked her to stay away from.  One she won't tell me who he is, which causes me to fear the worst.  And the third is someone she dated in middle school, who has been texting her creepily for years, and begging for sex.  She hates this guy, but went to him anyway.  And he was violent, didn't use a condom for the first bit of time, and may have been an escort at one point.  He claimed he was tested, but she doesn't believe him.

But of course, I'm the stable person in her life that she runs to.  So she ended up crying on my shoulder for comfort.  Now I'm terrified that she caught something, and I can't stop imagining her with these men.

So, all of my plans of getting back with her now feel like fantasy.  Two weeks ago we were so close, but now, I don't know if I can forgive and forget.  I know that I'm a fairly codependent person, so walking away is hard.  I love her very much, but that feeling is so deeply tarnished, I don't know if it'll be okay again.  I'm not sure if I can let this one go.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi looking_ahead,



Thank you for sharing your story! I am sorry for all of the emotional pain and turmoil you have been through in these years and the uncertainty you are facing now.

Do you think you could get her to get sexually tested? It sounds like it might be a good idea before you get intimate with her again if there was unprotected sex, and even if there was... .protection is not perfect. Oh gosh, I don't want to add to your worries, but you might want to wait until after her next cycle to see if she got pregnant. Sorry to mention that!

I know it's hard, but try not to think of her with these guys. I know it's small comfort, but what she had with any of them is no match for what she had with you so try to focus on that I'd say. Again, sorry!

I think it is too soon to now, if you love, which way this will go, so don't push yourself too hard. Just pay attention to your feelings and see how you feel day after day... .I imagine you will have a whole range of emotions!

Is she still seeing her therapist? What is she expressing she wants to do at this juncture?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[looking_ahead]

She is still seeing her therapist, luckily.  She's always kept the detail of their sessions private, so I don't know much more than that.  Most of her sessions usually revolved around her mother, who is fairly emotionally abusive.  I believe she's also painted me as a villain in her life, even though I do literally anything and everything she asks.  I don't I don't know if her therapist is working with her for her BPD.  While the therapist did confirm for her that she has it, I don't believe they discussed it beyond that.

In terms of what she wants, her words and actions have always been very different.  A year and a half ago, during our break up, she constantly said she didn't want to get back together, but acted as though she did.  It's a similar story this time.  She says she doesn't want to get back together, but sleeps with me.  She is distant, sleeps with three men, and then comes to me for comfort and cuddles.  The best I can discern is that she wants both to be single, and to be with me, and is at war with herself over it.

Also, regarding getting pregnant, she luckily has an IUD.  It's the one and only thing I'm not worried about.

I forgot to mention, I'm at a fairly intense crossroads.  As much as I'm still trying to get her back, I'm dealing with some serious repercussions.  She spent the last month trying to destroy my reputation to my friends as a cheater, and is doing worse to shame the other girl.  Plus, if I do change my mind and move on, our house is less than a minute away from her parents' house, where she lives now.  So I'm feeling the need to sell my house and move in order to get space from this.

[pearlsw]

Hi looking_ahead,

Oh my! Those are some pretty big decisions to make!

I am sorry to hear she has been trying to destroy your reputation among your friends, and go against this other girl as well. I know that is terribly unsettling. I have been dragged into "dealbreaker" territory many times myself, and I know what a horrible place to be that is!

In terms of a war within herself, this is the illness. My SO has been at war on this for over seven years. The "battles" looked different, but they have gone on and on. I am not saying it will be that way for you, she is in therapy, but it is important to read here and make your best estimation of what lies ahead.

Do you have a timetable for your decision making process? Are you a bit flexible? What would make you want to stay versus leaving?

take care, pearl.