Well the worst happened...things going well, then she flipped, cops called

[anxiousndworried]

I recently posted on this site about a semi-new relationship I'm in with an uBPD. (FWIW she was open to the fact that she may have BPD and was planning on seeking treatment.) Before starting this relationship, I knew very little about BPD and have been trying to learn as much as possible about the disorder and how best to approach my partner when she becomes angry.  I received wonderful advice and was really optimistic about the future. That was about two weeks ago and I feel utterly defeated, stressed, and alone.

I tried to use my communication skills (PAVUS, SET, JADE) to de-escalate situations as I saw them arising. At first, things were going well, but then I feel like my uBPD started testing my boundaries. Her "episodes" of anger became more frequent and erratic - one day she broke up with me three times. I consider myself a generally self-confident person, but this constant back and forth of "I love you, I hate you" started taking a toll.  Two days in a row, she invited me over (she lives about 45 min away), and within minutes of me getting there, she decided she wanted me gone. One time she was even on the phone with her ex-girlfriend (who I swear gets pleasure out of triggering her). Both days, JADE went out the window, and I cried and asked her how she could be so mean to me. That aggravated her even more, causing her to say even meaner things and making me more upset. I eventually went home both nights very sad. After the second night, she texted me that she loved me so much and she was so sorry. I'm sure you all have heard all the apologies in the world, so I won't elaborate.  

Needless to say, her apology was convincing (taking into consideration I know she has BPD), and we planned a date for the next night. Everything was going well. We were talking about marriage, kids, etc. Mid-way through dessert, something just flipped. She started telling me I was annoying and obnoxious and she didn't want to be with me anymore. The problem was that I had stuff at her house because we had already agreed I would stay there, and so I needed to go back to her apartment. Without getting into the details, things just went downhill from there. The neighbors must have called the cops and she ended up getting arrested for assault (despite my protestations that this was a mental illness).

PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND THIS TERRIBLE DISORDER. My partner is the sweetest, kindest, most loving person I know. I love her dearly and want to spend my life with her. I'm having difficulty understanding how someone who is so kind, could flip in an instant. FWIW, I am safe. We are not currently in contact. I am going to therapy and trying to deal with everything that happened. Most of the advice I've gotten from professionals has been to end the relationship, but it's not that easy.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi anxiousandworried,

I am so sorry for the pain and confusion on you are experiencing! It is indeed hard to understand when our partners go from one extreme to the other like this.

Just to answer some of your questions you might find these readings helpful:

Supporting Your BPD Partner
Behaviors: How it Feels to Have BPD
Being An Emotional Caregiver

To the right of this board you will also see a Lesson entitled "Understanding your partner's behaviors."  

Keep in mind this is a spectrum disorder so some people will have a more extreme version of it than others. I do not experience daily raging and criticism for example, but I do experience the extreme black and white thinking of my SO.  There are success stories, but we don't always see them here because people that use the tools, or have success, don't always stay with us here once things improve.

sincerely, pearl.

[walkinthepark247]

"We were talking about marriage, kids, etc."

I would suggest that you keep up the therapy. This is something that I truly had to learn. Rather than focusing on her disorder, I would suggest that you deeply examine your needs. Have you talked to your therapy at all about codependency? I had never even considered codependency until I started talking to a therapist myself.

Let me ask a question: Have you envisioned what it would be like with kids and her possibly assaulting you in front of those children? My wife has physically assaulted me in front of the kids on more than one occasion. Please understand that I am not telling you to "run." Rather, I think you have a good opportunity to explore (deeply examine) what a future could look like with this person.

Once again, I am not pushing for you to break off the relationship. That's ultimately something you have to answer. But, please don't let your desire to save this person cloud your judgment. There are times in my relationship where I looked back and regretted NOT calling the police. Now, imagine the police showing up with young screaming (and terrified) children at your feet.  

[CryWolf]

Hey A&W,

You were given some good advice here. What do you think about all this?

Also how are things right now? Please update us when you can.