Big sister trying to help

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi there-

I’m the oldest of 3 siblings. Me, my middle sister (2 years younger), and my “baby” brother (6 years younger). We are all in our 20’s. My sister and I have had a difficult relationship for as long as I can remember and she was recently diagnosed with BPD. There is so much that is finally starting to make sense. She’s starting an inpatient program tomorrow and I’m learning about this diagnosis and these resources. My immediate question to this community is: what can I do to be helpful to her while she’s doing inpatient treatment? What can I do, especially from far away?

Long-term, I want to also figure out how to heal myself. My biggest struggle is understanding the resentment my sister feels towards our parents, who have been so incredibly supportive to her during this, and her sense of entitlement about what they should provide. Similarly, I struggle with my dad, who I believe enables her behavior by providing for her financially. She dropped out of high school once, college twice and hasn’t had a job for 6 months. I worry that post-treatment she will go back to her routine of not working if my dad continues to support her.

Thank you to all of you in advance. I’m so glad I found this community.  

[oldersister34]

Hi there-

I’m the oldest of 3 siblings. Me, my middle sister (2 years younger), and my “baby” brother (6 years younger). We are all in our 20’s. My sister and I have had a difficult relationship for as long as I can remember and she was recently diagnosed with BPD. There is so much that is finally starting to make sense. She’s starting an inpatient program tomorrow and I’m learning about this diagnosis and these resources. My immediate question to this community is: what can I do to be helpful to her while she’s doing inpatient treatment? What can I do, especially from far away?

Long-term, I want to also figure out how to heal myself. My biggest struggle is understanding the resentment my sister feels towards our parents, who have been so incredibly supportive to her during this, and her sense of entitlement about what they should provide. Similarly, I struggle with my dad, who I believe enables her behavior by providing for her financially. She dropped out of high school once, college twice and hasn’t had a job for 6 months. I worry that post-treatment she will go back to her routine of not working if my dad continues to support her.

Thank you to all of you in advance. I’m so glad I found this community.  

[Harri]

Hi there and welcome!  I am glad you found us though I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.  We have several people posting who have a sibling with BPD, either diagnosed or undiagnosed (uBPD) and all of us on this board are dealing with a family member with BPD or BPD traits.  You are in good company for ongoing support, information and learning tools that can aid in communicating with your sister. 

I think the best thing you can do while she is inpatient is to learn about the disorder and learn some tools that will help the both of you.  I already mentioned communication strategies and we have several.  Communication Skills:  Don't Be Invalidating is one that is very helpful.  I do not suggest it because I think you are invalidating, but (!) many of us have said things that are taken as invalidating by the pwBPD (person with BPD) without us even realizing.  They process things differently than we do and often what seems intuitive to do or say is the opposite of what is best for the pwBPD.  Of course you want to help your sister but you also have to take care of yourself as well so i am going to link our article on Triggering, Mindfulness and Wise Mind here.  Self care and having excellent boundaries with your sister as well as your parents is going to be very important.

Does your sister have kids?  How supportive is your brother?  Do you think your parents would benefit from coming here?  Do you know if your sisters treatment will include some support/help for family members?  Often if the family learns about some of the skills their loved one learns in therapy it can be helpful. 

Anyway, I hope you continue to post as there is so much to talk about and it is important that you have support as well.  If you look over on the right side of the page we have a Survivors Guide that you can look though.  Many of us use this as a guide to healing.  Each item is clickable and expands to provide more information.

Again, I too am glad you found us.  Please feel free to ask questions, read, post... .just settle in.

[Kwamina]

Hi oldersister34

I would like to join Harri in welcoming you to our online community

BPD is a challenging disorder, but now that your sister has been officially diagnosed, you at least know what you are dealing with and can educate yourself about this disorder. Great to see you reaching out here for support and advice. Harri has already mentioned some of our resources to you.

Is this the first time your sister is getting any kind of treatment/therapy? Has she perhaps had other diagnoses before?

How did your sister respond when she got this BPD diagnosis? Do you feel like she truly acknowledges that she is struggling with certain issues?

Take care and I hope to read more of your story later

The Board Parrot

[zachira]

You want to figure how to heal from how your sister has behaved. You have taken the first step in healing is trying to figure out how to do so.  Do take advantage of all the educational materials on this site, and read the posts on different boards. With time, determination, and patience, you will feel better and know what works best for you to heal. Keep us posted on how you are doing. We are here to listen and support you.

[Panda39]

Hi oldersister34,

Welcome to the BPD Family   I’m glad you’ve found us and decided to jump in and post.

I already see some good things going on from what you’ve posted.  Your sister has been diagnosed, so this issue has been identified, is out in the open and now it can be worked on.  The fact that she is seeking help and going inpatient to get it is terrific.

Another good thing about there being a diagnosis is now the rest of the family knows the name for what is going on and can now work to both learn about BPD…what it is, understand the ways it can affect your sister and by extension how it affects the family.  Once you know what it is you can both support your sister in more effective ways and protect yourself from some of the more difficult behaviors.

When I first found out about BPD I hit the local library and started reading everything they had on the subject.

Two particularly good books on BPD that I liked are…

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change by Valerie Porr

and

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason MS & Randi Kreger

I’m with Harri on the Validation, I think that is an excellent tool that you can start learning more about and implement from a distance.  The kind of validation we are talking about here often isn’t just about validating good/positive behaviors although that type of positive reinforcement is good too.  Much of the validation we do with someone with BPD has more to do with validating feelings.  This doesn’t mean we validate a bad behavior but it’s more about validating a feeling that brought on the behavior or behind the behavior.

I want to add this link to what Harri has already provided, it has examples of validation…
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=124001.0

Will your family be seeking any therapy around your sister’s new diagnosis?  That could be good for all of you, but particularly for your dad.  Enabling doesn’t help we all learn from the consequences of our actions and preventing them doesn’t allow your sister to learn.  That said as a mom I can empathize with your dad…she’s his daughter…and it’s really hard to watch your kid struggle.

We have a board for the Parents of BPD children if either of your parents are interested. 
I hope you’ll keep us posted on your story.  Again welcome!

Panda39