So here is an example of splitting behavior with my husband

[lonely38]

It seems that since he has found out or discovered he has symptoms and diagnosis of BPD that the splitting has become more rampant.  Does that make sense?

Anyway, I am at least way more aware of it than I used to be and not as surprised when it happens.  Unfortunately, it still saddens me as I am wonder if this will be our relationship and communication for the rest of our marriage.

Tonight he wanted something from he and was abrupt in how he asked and communicated it.  I realized after the discussion that it had gone the same way as before where he was bullying me and talking down to me.  I am trying very hard to be cognizant of this and so I told myself I needed to go back to him and tell him about it.  I have been reading the book "the gaslight effect" and this has described our relationship for a very long time.

I went back to him and said that when he needed something from me, I needed him to talk with consideration.  His response was that I was projecting my uptight feelings onto him.  I reminded myself of where this was going and tried the whole validation aspect where I repeated what he had said to me and that I would consider what he said although I did not agree with it.

I came back into the room a few minutes later and he was still visibly upset and said he had 'one' more thing to say to me.  When it became 4 of 5 more things, I asked, ' do I need to go for a drive or can I stay here'?  In other words, this conversation needs to stop or I am going to take a break.

He went on to say I am an 'emotional terrorist' which sounds so juvenile to me.  Anyway, I let him have his say and did not respond.  The rest of this evening he has been silent, which is so common between us.  Thankfully, I am starting to recognize this pattern of behavior and let him do his thing without me becoming a part of it.

Does all of this sound ok?  Like I am working more on me and not on him?  It is all just a reminder of who I am married to and that this behavior will more than likely be repeated.  (although my hope and prayer is that my part of it will stop or will certainly diminish and change.)

Thank you for letting me put my thoughts and questions out on this wonderful site!
"

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[BeagleGirl]

I went back to him and said that when he needed something from me, I needed him to talk with consideration.  

When it became 4 of 5 more things, I asked, ' do I need to go for a drive or can I stay here'?  

Anyway, I let him have his say and did not respond.  

Lonely in CO,
First of all I want to commend you on recognizing that you can work towards change in your relationship by adjusting your behavior patterns.

The quotes above caught my eye and made me think you are working on setting some boundaries. Is that accurate?  Have you read any of the resources on this site on that topic?  If not, the link below will take you to an article that really helped me rethink effective boundary setting.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

BeagleGirl

[Vols4555]

I used the silent treatment as my means of getting away and I just now realized that it is further validating her feelings of abandonment.  I just emailed my wife and explained that and said I am going to be right there tomorrow bc I don’t want you to feel that way.  I can report back how it goes but I know based on how my wife and her mom act (and from other parental relationships) that my wife is deeply afraid of abandonment so I am going to try my hardest to not reinforce that feeling (granted she will still feel it anyway bc it is in her mind and she needs to work through it with someone).

I think your behavior was very appropriate but just giving some ideas based on the silent treatment... .we have gone a week without talking and are both miserable and it accomplished nothing so I am done with it.

Thanks for sharing, it is very inspiring

[lonely38]

Yes, the silent treatment has definitely gone on between my BPD husband and I over the years.  He still does that and I let him.  I have quit doing it although I definitely give myself permission to have some emotional and sometimes physical distance from him when he exhibits this behavior. 

However, what has changed is that I no longer try to punish him for his silent treatment or any other kind of behavior of his.  I just let him do his thing.  Honestly, this has been very freeing for me.  Do I still hurt?  Yes, absolutely.  Am I still lonely?  Yes I am.  But at least I am freeing myself from participating in his crazy emotional ups and downs.

I am hopeful that my getting healthier will help in the long run.  I know it will help me for sure.

[pearlsw]

Hi all,

For anyone reading along I want to share this information on the Silent Treatment:
Behaviors: Silent Treatment

It is good to review this if this is an issue that comes up in your relationship because silence can jeopardize the long term health of your relationship significantly. Once you stop trying for longer and longer periods of time things break down very significantly and may not recover!

I think you are on to something with not punishing him. It is not easy, but in his way, he is trying to get a break. Sometimes just understanding why another person is upset, or how they are behaving is the best we can do in a given scenario.

wishing you peace, pearl.

[BeagleGirl]

lonely in CO,
I'm checking in to see how things are going.  Have you had more difficult conversations in the past few days, or have things seemed to stabilize?

My dBPDxh utilized ST frequently in our relationship.  I don't think I really understood the impact it had on me until S15 started doing it last summer.  I did lots of reading on it at that point.  It definitely is different than "taking some time" or "getting some space".  Those actions can be helpful to diffuse a situation.  ST can be incredibly painful and destructive.  I remember reading that they have studied the brains of people being given ST and they lit up in the same areas that light up when experiencing physical pain.

I would love to hear more about how you have shifted your thoughts/behaviors to deal with ST.

BG

[lonely38]

With regard to the silent treatment, it has happened so much in our marriage, that it almost seems commonplace anymore.  As soon as my BPD husband gets upset, etc, he almost always begins with the silent treatment.  It seems to me that it almost looks like a small child who needs to be by himself and pout?  Maybe not pout but certainly focus on himself and how hurt he is etc.  His words to me are that he needs his space and that is why he does it.  However, it comes across to me as a way to get back at me. 

He asked could we talk this am?  Although I needed to get a shower as I was heading to a dr appt, I said yes.  (I ended up not showering and just putting on workout clothes and going to dr).  Anyway, he started ok as he asked what I was thinking and how I was feeling.

I responded based on what I have been seeing with him and our marriage and relationship.  I told him we have a very unhealthy relationship.  I asked how a simple request from me could set him off like it did.  I still wonder why as that really makes no sense to me.  It seems that in a healthy relationship that each partner should be able to request or make a statement to the other when they need something.  That is, if they do it with respect toward the other.

The conversation ended with him not saying he had told me how he was feeling.  He asked if he could write it all down in a letter.  I have so many letters and emails from him telling me all the stuff he doesn't like me that it feels like I could write a book.  Although, he clearly had already said to me in the conversation this morning how he did feel and that he did not agree with me on.  Anyway, I asked him to please just tell me those thoughts and feelings without writing them down as they sometimes look and sound different when written on paper.

He ended the conversation bringing up a personality test that we took as a couple from 39 years ago when we were dating.  He goes back to that frequently.  It was the Meyers Briggs personality test and there was something in that test saying I had hostility?  I honestly do not remember much more about the test at that time for either him or myself.  He seems to have some kind of agenda to prove to me how bad of a person I am.

I told him in our conversation this morning that I am working very hard to look at our marriage and to see through the confusion that I have felt throughout.  I told him I am working on myself to get healthy.  He says my working on myself looks like I am distancing myself from him.  I can see how he looks at it that way, as I am being very cognizant of my words and actions when his behavior gets heightened towards the negative.

At this point, I am exhausted.  I went to the dr for labs this morning before a checkup this next week.  I would not be surprised if my labs are way different than a year ago.  My stress level is very high.  I am exhausted from lack of sleep.  I have gained weight and am drinking too much. 

I am going to look into meditation as I very much need a way to clear my mind of the anxiety I seem to carry with me as I consider our marriage. 

The weird thing is that when we are doing well, everything seems great.  It is just when he suddenly makes the switch on me that everything goes back to the old pattern.  You would think that I would have recognized all of this from years ago.  I am realizing how I have felt on edge with him, how I have wondered when 'the next shoe would drop' with him, how confused I have felt around him, how I do not trust him.  All of these things have literally worn me down.

I would think about leaving but how do you start over in life at age 58 with kids and grandkids, a home, a retirement plan, etc?  We literally have a lifetime between us and it seems to me that if I can get healthier that things might settle down.  Is that hoping for too much?

I wish there was a way we could talk to a live person on this site.  Sometimes I really wish for it... .

[BeagleGirl]

Lonely in CO,

 
I am very familiar with the longing to talk to someone face to face about the issues we discuss on this site.  I have been able to find a really good therapist and I have two good friends who I can talk to any time.  Do you have someone in your life who can be that "in real life" listener?

I'm really glad to hear that you are getting to the doctor.  I avoided it for a couple years because I felt so overwhelmed with the issues in my marriage and the accompanying anxiety that I felt like I couldn't handle being told my blood pressure and cholesterol were high because I already felt like a failure.  I've been able to face (and start reversing) the physical toll the previous years took on me, and that helps a lot. 

What are some other self care activities you do/want to do?  I struggled with guilt over taking time for myself, but will be the first to say to a friend "you can't take care of others if you're not taking care of yourself".  So I'll say that to you. 

On the relationship front, it sounds like you're saying "no" to a lot more.  That can be really good (boundaries) but it can also signal an unwillingness to work towards something better to a pwBPD.  I know that's how my dBPDxh felt when I would turn down what he felt were overtures and I felt were traps.  Can you see any areas where you could propose a compromise?  For example, do you think that you could allow your husband to write out his thoughts/feelings then read them to you aloud? 

BG

[pearlsw]

All of these things have literally worn me down.

I would think about leaving but how do you start over in life at age 58 with kids and grandkids, a home, a retirement plan, etc?  We literally have a lifetime between us and it seems to me that if I can get healthier that things might settle down.  Is that hoping for too much?

I wish there was a way we could talk to a live person on this site.  Sometimes I really wish for it... .

Hi lonely in co,

I am getting on in years myself and I think it is great that you are willing to make such a thoughtful effort to make improvements in your relationship!

The longer you are here, and the more regularly you post and support others as well I think you'll find this can be a strong piece of your support system.

Meditation is great! During a particularly challenging part of my life I had a regular meditation practice going at the local zen center and it was so beneficial. It makes a big difference if you can do it with others, and not just alone. The community of practitioners is called a "sangha", or community, it is amazing how when you are there sitting and struggling with all the aches, pains and stray thoughts, that the strength of those sitting there with you can help you hold your own body up. But I don't know what is of interest or available for you, so just some food for thought!

In a way the community here has a similar intention. To help hold you up. It takes a lot of strength to face the special challenges of these kinds of relationships.

Oh yes, I know that feeling well. Things go well for awhile and your non brain just starts to settle down and think, okay, all is fine, all that bad stuff is over, and the boom, you get flattened again. After awhile it feels like you might not be able to pick yourself back up! Like I say, that is what a community like this is for!

If he is silent for a relatively short time I would not worry about it too much, unless you really need him to communicate and he absolutely refuses. I think it is when it drags on and it includes avoidance of discussing any difficult topics that you've got serious trouble!

Yesterday my SO did something unplanned that was pretty upsetting for me, but he actually did the repair. I was quiet for a little while, but when he can control his emotions he is actually pretty decent at making repairs. We were in an emergency waiting room and he started telling me a pretty funny story of one time he'd gone to the emergency room many years earlier. The story was a little embarrassing and I kinda wanted him to stop or at least whisper, but it was so funny I couldn't help but laugh, and he laughed at how I like to tease him to stop talking sometimes. It was 7 hours door to door dealing with this issue, after a day of work, and could have gone really rotten if I'd been resentful or blaming, but it was so filled with the best rolling on the floor kind of laughter I will never forget this day! (We were on quite a roll!)

That reminds me, another simple tool is praise. When your partner does things "right" praise him a lot! I think this can lead to an increase in more pleasant behavior and also bring a nice atmosphere to your home.

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Woodchuck]

Lonely-
I think you did an amazing job of identifying and dealing with things!  It is so easy to take the bait and/or take things personally.  It takes a lot of discipline to just walk away calmly.  I am sure you just wanted to scream in response to the 'insanity'.  I deal with the ST on a constant basis with my W.  My W will lay down and shut her eyes and refuse to communicate, telling me the conversation is over and to leave her alone.  IF I continue to try to talk to her, she puts her fingers in her ears.  It is as if I am dealing with a child.  I am getting to the point where I can just calmly walk away. 
As BeagleGirl points out, it would be very help have found a T that you can talk to.  This is really key.  Talking to friends/family can be good to an extent but I also understand that they are biased and will usually just take 'my side' and that is not going to help me grow.  Having an unbiased third party that you can share things with is much more able to help you identify what you can do to help yourself and make things better.
The article that Pearl mentioned in her reply is great.  Also, as Pearl states, this community is a great source of support.  I have not been a member for long but it has had a great impact on me and really helped me see how things are and what I can/need to do to change things.  I hope you are able to get the same sense of support here.  Have a great weekend!

WC

[lonely38]

Thank you for the encouragement everyone.  It means a lot.  I did go back and read the article on silent treatment as well as the section on healthy boundaries.  This whole site has been a wealth of information for me and so helpful

I am seeing a therapist and have chosen a couple of friends to share with.  Although they do not understand what I am experiencing, they are empathetic with me.

So yesterday my BPD husband came back to me in the afternoon and said he can see how much I am hurting and that he knows it is because of him.  He basically apologized and went back to his kind self.  We are back on good terms.  While I love the fact that we are, I no longer hold him responsible for keeping it that way as I feel he doesn't have the tools he needs at this point in his life to do that.

Mental illness is tough to watch but I still do not understand what it is truly like for him.  He did try to explain to me what his thoughts are like yesterday.

Today is a new day, and I am working toward healthy emotions today.

[BeagleGirl]

Lonely in CO,
I'm so glad that you were able to hear that apology from your husband.  That can go a LONG way toward restoring hope and renewing your energy.

Do you think that this might be a time when BPDh might be receptive to a conversation about how you both might do things differently/better in the future?  It's always scary to have those types of conversations during the "good" times because they can trigger a dysregulation, but trying to have them during the "bad" times is usually an exercise in futility.

It sounds like both of you are frustrated with communication styles from the other.  I suspect that one shift might be helpful for both of you.  It's possible that he may be experiencing your boundary of taking a break from difficult conversations as an unwillingness to hear him.  You may already be doing this, but one shift I tried to make (thanks to some great modeling from FormFlier) was to set a clear expectation of returning to the conversation at x time with the goal of both being calmer at that time.  If you can both employ that it might also help with what you are experiencing with ST.  He would (hopefully) learn that he gets to have some space and time but that leaving you hanging indefinitely (ST) is not constructive. 

What are your thoughts?  Do you feel like you've already had similar conversations with little/no improvement?

BG