How to use SET in this situation?

[Chosen]

If you've read my posts lately, you will know that things have been turbulent at home.  I am trying hard to be a bit more emotionally detached (i.e. not take everything so personally; even though what uBPDh says may be directed at me, to try and feel what he is feeling instead of taking the words at face value, which I usually do).  I'm also learning to validate more, as I realise that many of our arguments start with me being invalidating, or for those that didn't start with it, I expressed myself in an invalidating way, making things worse, and I want to do my part in improving this relationship because I can't stand the current situation anymore- it's not healthy for either of us or our children.

So here's what happened today, and I tried to use SET for the conversation after initially not doing so:

(It's been a long night, an appliance broke down at home, D4months took a long time to fall asleep, and this morning D2 is whining a bit, not wanting her breakfast served in the way H was preparing for her, and didn't want to drink water, as per usual)

H: Why bother, I do everything and yet my daughter hates me.

Me: She doesn't hate you... .she just didn't want to drink water.  It's the same when anyone else asks her (truth).

H: Well... .I feel that way. (he's already glaring at me, so I know I've said something wrong... .but I appreciate how he says it's his feelings- he almost never does it directly!)

He also seemed upset this morning because I've been having a stomach ache for 2 days, and in the middle of having breakfast he has prepared for me, my stomach ache came back.  It's definitely not related to the food I ate; I just haven't fully recovered.  Then he seemed angry at me and keep on saying "why did I bother preparing food for you", and "if you didn't want it just let me know beforehand next time" (I think he expresses every emotion he has with anger).  I had to keep on consoling him, saying I have enjoyed the food, I wanted it, just that I need to go to the toilet now!  (As you can see, being in his presence brings tremendous pressure to people around him at times, and I guess this makes D2 anxious, because she can't express herself without being judged.)

Me: (after I took D to school I texted him) I know it's upsetting and disappointing to feel that she seems to dislike you.  I feel sad too when she rejects me and refuses to do the things I tell her to do, no matter how hard I try.  It must be so much harder for you (he is a full-time dad by choice)!  But when she is upset, scared or waking in the middle of the night, she would be crying for you to hold her, so I can see that you help her feel secure. (etc) 
I think you are a superb husband and father!

Then he replied to my last sentence by saying how much of a failure he is, because his wife and children are not happy, that he gave up everything for his family and he is left with nothing.  He is better off just continuing to work instead of caring for us, at least he would be bringing back home money.  That it is all a mess because his wife and kids are always sad. 

I don't know how to respond to that.  Because what he says is partly true- we have all been pretty sad lately because we have been arguing a lot.  Not really about anything, but I guess I have been invalidating (not intentionally, but as uBPD he is very sensitive to invalidation and I'm not good in this area I know), and he has been dysregulating because of it.  So if we argue, or at times, when D2 sees him shout at me because I have invalidated him repeatedly in a conversation and I couldn't control my tongue, of course she cries and is sad.  H usually blames me afterwards, saying it's because I'm a terrible mother and I'm destroying my own family, and so on.  I know I have a big part to play in starting off an argument, but he never once acknowledged that he is to blame.  And now he is saying that he has failed because we are unhappy?  The emotionally sensitive me is saying "he's trying to shift the blame on me.  He is saying that he has tried so hard, and you are not happy, therefore you are the problem".  In fact, this is what he has said to me many many times.  He always tells me he has done more than he should, and he is totally innocent and cannot do any better.

But now I'm wondering if there are other feelings behind these words, if I've always been hearing them only at face value.  I also wish to know how to validate when he expresses these sentiments, without correcting his "facts" or giving practical suggestions or observations.  Please help?  Thanks!

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[pearlsw]

Hi Chosen,

What a great post this is! It gives us a chance to talk about the tools and practice them together!

Okay, so early on, you did say something invalidating, but you recovered quite well! You seem to do a good job of validating, you have this skill, but at the point where it feels very hurtful to you it becomes harder. But I think you can do it!

He says he feels like he is a failure. No need to argue he's not, he'll just argue he is, and that will all be pointless and painful. But, like you did earlier, you can just say "I hear that you feel bad, like you have failed. I can understand why you feel bad."

I think you are hearing blame, but it doesn't sound, from what you wrote, like he is blaming you. He may say mean and hurtful things, but it does sound like he is beating himself up because he feels inadequate about himself. Does he directly call you a bad mother?

I think you deserve a lot of credit for the effort you are making. It takes a lot of effort to change our own communication patterns and remove blame and criticism from our own speech. You've got this! From what you describe it is a matter of spreading out the good effort you are making here, and keeping your own emotions in control. It is not easy - especially when our buttons get pushed! Some days I can do it, other days I can't! It happens!   I think you can keep improving!

wishing you the best, pearl.

[Radcliff]

I want to second a couple of things pearl has said.  First, you are doing a fantastic job.  There's still a long way to go, so don't give up -- honestly, I'm excited by your potential for growth and improving your situation.

The second thing is pearl's thought that you shouldn't feel blame when he says you are unhappy.  He wants you to be happy.  He feels responsible for your happiness.  Since you're not happy, he may be feeling shame.  We are each responsible for our own happiness.  If we sit around expecting others to make us happy, we're setting everyone up for failure.  I wonder if you might have some success if you tried SET, with the "Truth" part being that you are responsible for your own happiness, so you're working hard to learn better relationship tools, etc.  If you said that you are responsible for your own happiness, and he doesn't have to feel responsible for it, and that you can both own working together for a healthy relationship, might that help?

WW

[Chosen]

I think you are hearing blame, but it doesn't sound, from what you wrote, like he is blaming you. He may say mean and hurtful things, but it does sound like he is beating himself up because he feels inadequate about himself. Does he directly call you a bad mother?

He has called me a bad mother before, and also a bad wife (the bad wife thing it's basically constant), but not in this particular instance.  I think he's like a pendulum, swinging between "you're a terrible person" and "I'm a terrible person because I can't control you/ your happiness".  Because he needs somebody to be black and somebody to be white all the time, and there's only 2 of us in this relationship, he somehow never sees us as a team, and if anything happens, it's always "you're sabotaging all my efforts" or "I'm a terrible person, can't manage my own family".  But admittedly, at least on the outside, it seems that he is blaming me much more than blaming himself.

[pearlsw]

He has called me a bad mother before, and also a bad wife (the bad wife thing it's basically constant), but not in this particular instance.  I think he's like a pendulum, swinging between "you're a terrible person" and "I'm a terrible person because I can't control you/ your happiness".  Because he needs somebody to be black and somebody to be white all the time, and there's only 2 of us in this relationship, he somehow never sees us as a team, and if anything happens, it's always "you're sabotaging all my efforts" or "I'm a terrible person, can't manage my own family".  But admittedly, at least on the outside, it seems that he is blaming me much more than blaming himself.

Hi Chosen,

Looks like you've been posting for awhile so you have surely seen this before, but it might be worth looking at again with fresh eyes: 

Stop Accusations and Blaming

The advice there is pretty powerful, I hesitate to summarize it, but they do offer a technique. Would you like to take a look and tell us what you think of this information in light of your situation? Might this help? Would this be too strong? What do you think?

sincerely, pearl.

[Chosen]

Thanks pearl,

I have read the Lesson before, but thanks for bringing it up again- it's always good to re-read them, as I tend to forget using the skills I learnt way too often. 

If he's accusing me of made-up motives, then I will correct him and say that those are not true.   However, in the current situation, I think it's quite difficult to use stop the accusations, as I can't actually say he's wrong- if we're looking at the result of things, my behaviour (of being invalidating) has caused things to escalate, and things haven't ended well.  I understand I shouldn't take 100% of the responsibility, and he could've handled it better (despite him always saying he's already done 100% and so on... .), but since I have a part to play I don't think I have a right to tell him to work on himself.  And anyway, you can't force somebody to reflect on themselves and change... .and for a pwBPD even less so. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I can't say he's completely wrong in blaming me because I blame myself too... .

[pearlsw]

Hi Chosen,

These are tough issues and it takes a lot of time to make change in communication styles and outcomes. You mean well and want to improve so this is something to give yourself some room to feel good about and use to inspire you to keep trying.

Since we can't control how much blame or not that he takes on, let's set that aside. But before we do, let me assure you, whether he says it or not, given what you have described here, he is hurt and frustrated too that things are not going so smoothly. It seems like he does feel he has a part to play in that.

This reminds me of how early on in my relationship with my SO his apologies seemed so, let's say, unsatisfying. In time I realized I was really being "the apology police" with him and not accepting his apologies if they weren't worded in a certain way, or delivered with the "proper tone". I came to realize, to make life much easier for both of us, if he apologized that was an apology and that was good enough. I was only prolonging a breakdown between us by having an unrealistic set of expectations. We also speak different native languages so it just didn't seem to make sense to be a stickler about things... .though I have to admit I got a big laugh out of learning to apologize in one of his native languages from watching a lot of t.v.! And that made apologizing fun for me and him too at times! I did a lot to make jokes around apologizing so we could take something that could have been really awful and let us both laugh at ourselves.

So, back to the issue at hand, here, blame. Let's assume he does it, but does not express it for now and move on to what you can do, which is huge. Make your first goal to calm yourself, slow down, and read the situation rather than jumping in to react.

What are the made up motives he is accusing you of?

sincerely, pearl.