Divorceing my BPD

[Zion]

I am so  grateful to have read read Randi  Krieger’s  Book stop walking on egg shells. It opened my eyes to what I was suffering  from my  BPD wife.

I am married for nearly 14 years and have three children. I am now separate  for over two years.  I killed myself for the longest time trying to help my wife in any and every way possible. Somehow everything I did was never enough and I was constantly under attack.  If someone would have asked me if I could ever imagine myself getting divorced I would have answered, “me never?”Based on my religious believes and commitment to family I would’ve never dreamt that I would ever get  divorced.

Two years ago the situation at home got so intense my wife was literally physically attacking me.  I was forced to realize that to avoid a mental asylum  or prison - if my wife made a false accusation but I suspect it could happen - I must leave the house. It took me  till three months ago to realize that there is no hope here in this marriage and I just have to MoveOn. It took tremendous emotional strength to feel complete with my decision.
In a week from now I have to fly back to the country where my wife lives with my children. It is so important that I visit them. Additionally I want to go together with my wife to a therapist for three or four sessions to finalize  my decision about the divorce and to know that I consulted with a received a professional opinion. I’m not sure how to break the news to my children. How am I supposed to tell them that I plan I getting divorced from their mother?  Until  until now my wife kept using the children to guilt trip me by telling them how they would be joining me with her in America. I answer the children that this just doesn’t seem realistic at this time but I love them and at the right time hopefully we could be together and I’m always there for them 24 hours a day whenever they want to talk to me.

My next question is I don’t know what to tell the therapist I had planned on telling telling the therapist that I believe my wife has borderline personality disorder and is just impossible for us to get along.  I came across a video From bpdfamily.com that said not to tell the BPD  that they have a disorder because it can make everything worse, however this is necessary information that I would want to tell the therapist and I’m not sure how to go about this.
My confidence is very weak at this time because I basically spent 12 years of my life hearing endless hours every day and I was brainwashing  session on how I am the worst person in the world that ever existed. I struggle with lack of self confidence to the point that I second guess all my feelings emotions and thoughts. I’m worried that the therapist won’t understand  what was really happening in our marriage. I’m afraid I won’t express myself well and if I do show the therapist the truth of how my wife acts I’m afraid it’s gonna be very hurtful for her and she may become depressed or worse. I already told her quite clearly that I do  intend on getting divorced however she has this way of nullifying my words as if I never said them and they have no value. It is so Trumatic for me to go back to the house  and see the dysfunctional way everything is ran without any borders at all with explosions all the time.  Seeing my children growing up like this and knowing that there’s not too much I could do to help is very depressing and makes me feel like I’m such a failure. As insecure as I am out of the house and the house in the presence of my wife it’s so much worse . I wish there was someone who would reach out to me and And advise me tell me about these 11 days that I’m going to be at home with my wife and children  while simultaneously meeting with the therapist. Thank you for reading I appreciate all feedback though obviously professional advice Is what could be most helpful to me. May we all have the love advice and support that we each need in our situations!

[MeandThee29]

Any chance you could meet with some type of counsellor alone before you go to work out a plan in your mind? I'm not sure that meeting together with a counsellor is really going to accomplish what you want if you're planning to get divorced. You might get the validation you're hoping for just meeting with someone alone.

Typically folks with BPD don't do well in couples counselling. It will also depend on whether you have someone well-versed in personality disorders or not, but it can be used against you in the end.

It's all very hard, and I can understand your feelings of failure. Our young adults decided to stay with me when mine left, so I don't have that pain, but I still battle with the feelings that I failed to save my marriage and the aftermath of trying to stay afloat. I recently joined a support group focused on codependency that is really helping me, so that might be something to look into for yourself at some point. It's far less expensive than a counsellor or therapy (a major concern for me) and may accomplish the same for you.

[zachira]

You are going through the heartbreak of getting a divorce. Do read "Splitting" which is coauthored by Randi Kreger, as there is excellent advice in there about divorcing a person with BPD or NPD. Also, it is important to learn about how children are affected by divorce and to know something about parent alienation.
I would suggest you ask to speak to the therapist separately. Many therapists know very little about BPD, so you would probably do best to just describe how your wife has treated you and why you are getting a divorce. There are many people on this site that have been through a divorce with a BPD, and will be able to help you. Many of us are aware of how painful it is to get divorced and what  a tough decision that is to make. Do let yourself heal, and there will lots of painful feelings from all the unfair attacks on your character over many years. For the sake of your children, I would get some personal therapy, as your children will need you to be at your best to help them with this difficult transition. Take care and keep us posted, and let us know how we can help.