I had a reply almost done this morning and my browser crashed. Maybe that was for the best... .who knows. Anyway, here is my second attempt.
My wife has always claimed to be an “emotional” person and has gone as far as to blame me for not remembering that when she has done something completely out of line to me so it was actually my fault. (Uhhh... .what?)
All this started about a year ago when I finally realized enough was enough. I was working a full time job and coming home and the kids were all mine so the wife could escape to her passion... .a horse barn.
I was handling all the bills, most the chores (including all the grocery shopping and most of the cooking)... .and life was too much to handle. My wife was staying at home to watch the kids and make life easier for me and it felt like our life revolved around a barn. So I sat her down and through much resistance, we changed things some.
Vols-
Welcome to the message board! Hopefully you will find this to be a safe place to vent as well as find tools and solutions to help you cope with your situation. My scenario is very close to yours. I am the primary bread winner. My W works but what she does with her earnings is her business. She does not contribute to monthly expenses aside from an occasional trip the grocery store. I handle all the bills, do the majority of the grocery shopping and a good bit of the cooking or at least taking care of meals. The job I have has me gone for 12 hours a day and I have a business that I try to run on top of that. Needless to say I have my plate full. My W works 5-6 hours a day and according to our children goes back to bed after being home for about an hour. Her 'barn' is her room and her computer/phone. I have suspected that she has an internet addiction problem for many years. She will stay in her room for hours either sleeping or surfing the net. According to her, she does everything and no one appreciates everything that she does. Trying to sit down with her to talk about making changes is futile as she has stated that she does not care what I think or anyone else thinks. She is going to do things her way.
I decided I would get to reading bc I thought there was a possible mental issue and wanted to see my involvement and what I could control so I started with Happiness is a Choice then Boundaries in Marriage then Daring Greatly. Each gave me a different perspective on how I should approach marriage and relationships and my thinking started to get healthier (I was way too much of a people pleaser).
Still, even though my approach was different... .more honesty, calmness, no name calling... .my wife’s behavior stayed the same. And the good times we experienced where I thought she made minor changes would go completely back to square one whenever I disagreed or even broached the subject of less time at the barn and more with her family.
I have spent many years trying to make changes to help her change. In a way this is not 'bad' but it is futile. The reason being is that no matter what changes are made, it is never enough or never right. I have completely worn myself out trying to meet her needs, make her feel loved, cared about appreciated etc but nothing has worked. Within the last few months, I have worked on changing my mindset. I am working on changing but now I am changing for me. This change has done a few things. I don't expect anything from her. I am changing to make myself better. If she wants to come along side me as I change, that is great. With that said, I see many similar traits with you. I am a self admitted people pleaser and that has been very detrimental at times. I have always had a hard time saying 'no' to people. I want to please her above anyone else and have worked hard to do that. I am now of the opinion that it is impossible, so I am just focusing on me and our children.
I had actually already been practicing some of the advice in the book already based on my previous readings and time in AA (and my mom is really big into recovery/self help and has been giving a lot of advice). This has made me feel a lot better but I have hit a road block.
I think she has BPD but that won’t help her control her emotions and get us back on the right track. I have definitely learned more patience and SWOE further reinforced and introduced new principles on my attitude and how to approach my spouse but are there any successful stories on introducing the concept to your family member so they can work on it too? Aka getting her diagnosed (if she really does have it... .I am not a psychiatrist)
She has a counselor but she admittedly works on how to handle my actions (aka complains about me), I sent her the BPD test I found online to take and told her to look into the disorder (in the guise of all people practice certain of these patterns... .which I do believe but not to the extreme of BPD) and of course she just emailed me back that she passed and nothing more.
I know how difficult all this is. I have been dealing with it for over a decade and it has really taken a toll. I still remember when I first read about NPD/BPD many years ago. I became so excited because everything made sense. In my excitement, I went and presented her with my findings (similar to you sending your W that test). That went over as expected, absolutely horribly. My W actually approached me last month and told me that she thought I had BPD and sent me an online test and told me that she had taken it and she did not have BPD but that she thought I did and I should take it and then go in and get a formal evaluation/diagnosis/treatment. My response to her was that the online tests were kind of silly as they can be manipulated to show whatever results you desired.
I would highly encourage you to get involved here and explore the tools and articles available and put them into practice. The first and most important thing is to work on changing your mindset about why you are changing and working on things. It takes a lot of self awareness and exploration. Member here have helped me identify how even when I think I am working on me, I have had an expectation that me working on me will change her or help her. She has to realize that she needs help and work on changing and helping herself. Honestly, the changes that I have made have only made her more angry but I feel much more grounded and calm than I can remember being in a long time. With that, you also need to be aware of how your W may try to passively bait you into an argument. If you look into JADE, SET and the other communication tools here, they are very eye opening on how we actually feed the pwBPD when we take the bait to argue with them etc. Stay involved here and you will learn a lot. There is a lot of support here that I have not seen anywhere else. Keep posting and sharing your story.
WC
