Candid talk WOW

[juju2]

Correct.

Having co deoendency disorder, full blown, i would filter things through what is best for my kids, my b/f, when i was married, my husband. Etc.
Never did i think the thought, what is best for me.?
Its strange to admit that.

I feel like i really am changing!

Yay for me.  It feels good.

[formflier]

Never did i think the thought, what is best for me.?
 

Good... .I like this thinking.

What conclusions do you come to when you apply the "what's best for me" standard to your ex, the OW, his stuff at your place?

FF

[juju2]

Good question.  Let me ponder that, and get back to you.
For right now:
My sense is, he made a mistake.  I made mistakes.
A lot of this situation i dont know. I have moved through a lot of spaces, working the steps, and since he talked to me, two days ago, opened his heart, that things arent working out. 
Again, just listening, i heard remorse and sadness.
(One thing he could grow in is saying i am sorry.  I made a mistake.)
It is a rabbit hole when i try to think about what other people are doing. Its radical acceptance.
So, what is best for me in this situation is to get out of his way, (cease enabling) make plans to have his possessions moved.  As far as his r/s w other people, i have becomed detached, as i have no control over that.  I am staying the course that is best for me.

[CryWolf]

So if things don’t work out with his new partner, where does that put your relationship with him?

Also, what if it does work out? Are you prepared for that?

People make mistakes, it’s good to accept and let go but not forget. Especially if the same mistakes keep happening.

When you say make plans to have the possessions removed, is that soon or in 2 months?

It’s amazing once one puts themself first. Ask what juju wants and what’s the best thing for her to recover in this situation.

Where do you see yourself a year from now?

[juju2]

Good questions.
Right now, we dont have a r/s.
Am just taking it one day at a time.
Whatever happens, i am ok.

So the internal work i am doing, has me be in the now; the changes in my attitude have been life altering.

I do not have to have anything my way.

I am focusing on gratitude, thankfulness, and being positive. 

Read about breathing yesterday, how breathing through your nose could help have better everything, its more efficient.  Have been doing that.  Only one day.

 and its amazing when i am not focused on someone or something i cant change, and stay in now, how peaceful my life is.

[juju2]

Cry,

I dont know the answers to your questions.

Am doing my best, following my program in all areas of life.

Thank you for your support,
j

[CryWolf]

No pressure Juju,

I’m sure those answers will come in time 

What have you planned this week for yourself? Any new restaurants, hobbies, self care practices you’re excited about?

[juju2]

Hi Cry,

Am involved w my program, and work,
that keeps me very busy.

 guess this could also be a test, to see if i have become patient, without a lot of reassurance.
 Basically, i dont know what can or will happen in two months, it doesnt make sense... .i used to lose my temper easily, and wasnt patient.

Maybe he is seeing if i can keep sane, not lose my temper, and also not pressure him.
Its a tall order.

he has revealed some things.   am really not sure what is going on.  I have not known him to lie.
It may have to do with me reaching one Year in codependency recovery.  That is a huge milestone. That will be oct 1.  He also may want to see if i revert back to clinging or any co dep traits if given any encouragement... .

Like if i ask him any questions, etc.  I have to be strong.

[Cat Familiar]

You've been keeping busy with your program and work and are wondering if this two month request is some sort of test. In the past, you weren't patient and you lost your temper, but now you feel differently. You wonder if you stay centered and don't pressure him that he might reengage in a relationship.

But you don't know what's up with him and think he might be wary of you being codependent. You're concerned that if you ask questions, he might see that as a sign of weakness?

[juju2]

Yes.

It is a sign of weakness, from what i read about people who are separated.  Its putting pressure on the other person, and letting them know you are in a dependent position.

Said another way, if i am living a full life, excited about my life, nothing concerns me.  I am a butterfly.

You guys and my sponsor knows that i have anxiety, and am overly concerned w this one person.   And i have made a lot of progress!

Thanks in large part to all of you,

With thanks, j

[Cat Familiar]

Here's another perspective on questions that I picked up in a business seminar:

The person who asks the questions controls the conversation.

That may not be your style. I tend to be a rather introverted, shy type of person. I really enjoy one-on-one conversations with people I know, but put me in a party atmosphere where I have to make small talk with strangers--not my favorite scene.

I've discovered the power of questions, and it goes back to when I worked as a reporter for a couple of years. I just "interview" people I don't know and get them talking about themselves and I can sit back, relax, and gather information. And they enjoy that someone is taking a personal interest in them.

So my experience with questions is different than yours and I see being the questioner as a "power position" rather than a sign of weakness.

[juju2]

In r/s when you are the more invested, you want to ask questions... .

Its natural.

When i am secure, my future is exciting, my energy is alive, positive, not a care in the world.

From there i dont ask questions.

From there, the other person will gain anxiety that i am not asking questions... .isnt she worried? Isnt she concerned i may not come back?

My energy and behaviour speaks loud.

Its about emotional control.

[Cat Familiar]

Makes sense that you keep your cards close to the vest.

[formflier]

 

My energy and behaviour speaks loud.
 

And... .what does it say?

FF

[SamwizeGamgee]

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I'm curious if these two things are related.

Juju2

What do you think? 

Does it feel right to you?

FF

I couldn't help putting myself in this - and I said to myself to never determine who I am based on what someone else is. 
If that makes sense.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Here's another perspective on questions that I picked up in a business seminar:

The person who asks the questions controls the conversation.

Triggers another tidbit of street wisdom I have found to apply:
"whoever cares less about the relationship, controls the relationship."
I'm trying to find counter examples, but I can't right now.  It's like human nature has to be divisible by the lowest common denominator, no chain is stronger than its weakest link, and so forth.  When you realize it means nothing, you get control over it's end.

[juju2]

Ff,

When i met him, i was carefree, had a social life, at my best weight, fit, interesting.

Towards the last year together, i was the opposite of all that.  Am getting back to who i am, for me.
I am remembering who i am.

[formflier]

I'm glad you are getting back to where you want to be... that's awesome!   

Listen... .there seems to be lots of talk about messages and actions "speaking loudly"... .etc etc.

Most of those messages seem to be directed at your ex, that he will "see" and "hear" certain things from you (about you).

Can you try to come up with a one sentence message you would like to send him... or that you believe you are sending him with your actions and other methods?

Clarity of intent and message on your part is critical... .as you know... pwBPD can sometimes "filter" things in an "odd way".

FF

[juju2]

Ff,

When i met him, i was carefree, had a social life, at my best weight, fit, interesting.

Towards the last year together, i was the opposite of all that.  Am getting back to who i am, for me.
I am remembering who i am.

[juju2]

One sentence message.

You are an important person to me, i heard what you said, your r/s isnt working out.  You and i had something special.

Something like that.

When we last talked, he was pretty disgusted w the way things are for him.

I have it like i just need to get out of the way, there is nothing i can do, except hold the line.  Final date for resolving entanglements oct xx.

[formflier]

You are an important person to me, i heard what you said, your r/s isnt working out.  You and i had something special.
 

That's a really awesome message.  

Listen Juju2... .that message is really poignant.   Direct from your heart... to his.

Wouldn't it be a shame if he didn't "hear" such an important message... ?

    Again... .wow, incredible message.

FF  

[Cat Familiar]

You are an important person to me, i heard what you said, your r/s isnt working out.  You and i had something special.

Beautifully said. 

[juju2]

Thanks to you guys, i went ahead and emailed him
that msg.

He was gracious.  I am going to let all of this simmer  am wanting space fm here to reflect.
Am not seeking any advice or what ifs.  I want nothing.   Thank you all for respecting my wishes.

[formflier]

 
How best can we support you?

FF

[juju2]

Thank you f, and everyone.

Am just looking to reflect.  Am in a space of silence.

[Learning2Thrive]

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