Facebook and the ex

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So my ex and I are still friends on facebook, we didn't end badly, there was no drama or fights, I walked to the shop with her and we had a goodbye hug... .we started our relationship as best friends and that's kind of how it ended.


Since we split she has messaged me a few times, I have sold her car and need to send her the money, she has told me that she hopes she is "allowed her best friend back one day"... .


But I know I need to unfriend her. I haven't been stalking her, I haven't once looked on her facebook so I know nothing that she has been doing... .this is largely because for the past two weeks at least I haven't been on facebook or messenger at all.


There are two reasons for this:-

1. Im too scared to risk seeing her face. I noticed that her profile pic (you see a small version in messenger) was changed to a particularly lovely photo of her that I took of her on a day out with my kids, so for that reason I have been avoiding messenger. I have had FB notifications saying she had added new photos, twice there was one at like 9pm and another the next morning at 6/7am... I know the former will be photos of her looking all lovely preparing to go out and the latter her wrecked and off her face, likely group photos or whatever, maybe not, maybe with a new bloke, maybe not... .The point being im totally avoiding facebook because im too scared to find out, seeing them whatever they are will, I know, hurt me, even if its just her face... .

2. I know if I go back onto facebook ill see those photos and it will hurt and ill have to unfriend her, I have no issues in unfriending her, I think it is probably right for me... .but to do that I have to go onto her page which means--> see 1. above...

I have a fantastic support network of friends on messenger, im involved in an amazing single parents support group that's a constant source of friendship, entertainment and real life friends from all over the world... .and im totally missing out on it because im too scared to go on there.

I know I should go no contact, im totally ok with doing that, im isolating myself to a degree and being a pathetic hermit by not doing it but however much I know this im too weak and scared to do it... .

[Samson1234@]

So my ex and I are still friends on facebook, we didn't end badly, there was no drama or fights, I walked to the shop with her and we had a goodbye hug... .we started our relationship as best friends and that's kind of how it ended.


Since we split she has messaged me a few times, I have sold her car and need to send her the money, she has told me that she hopes she is "allowed her best friend back one day"... .


But I know I need to unfriend her. I haven't been stalking her, I haven't once looked on her facebook so I know nothing that she has been doing... .this is largely because for the past two weeks at least I haven't been on facebook or messenger at all.


There are two reasons for this:-

1. Im too scared to risk seeing her face. I noticed that her profile pic (you see a small version in messenger) was changed to a particularly lovely photo of her that I took of her on a day out with my kids, so for that reason I have been avoiding messenger. I have had FB notifications saying she had added new photos, twice there was one at like 9pm and another the next morning at 6/7am... I know the former will be photos of her looking all lovely preparing to go out and the latter her wrecked and off her face, likely group photos or whatever, maybe not, maybe with a new bloke, maybe not... .The point being im totally avoiding facebook because im too scared to find out, seeing them whatever they are will, I know, hurt me, even if its just her face... .

2. I know if I go back onto facebook ill see those photos and it will hurt and ill have to unfriend her, I have no issues in unfriending her, I think it is probably right for me... .but to do that I have to go onto her page which means--> see 1. above...

I have a fantastic support network of friends on messenger, im involved in an amazing single parents support group that's a constant source of friendship, entertainment and real life friends from all over the world... .and im totally missing out on it because im too scared to go on there.

I know I should go no contact, im totally ok with doing that, im isolating myself to a degree and being a pathetic hermit by not doing it but however much I know this im too weak and scared to do it... .

[BasementDweller]

Hi Samson1234 -

I'm sorry you are going through this particularly rough time. Break-ups and their aftermath are never easy.

Of course you have to do what you have to do to look after yourself. However, the one thing that struck me is that you and your BPDex, unlike almost all of us here, had a peaceful break-up. That is kind of huge, and I would love to have had the same with my BPDex. Right now, he currently hates me and is currently low contact with me (only communicating via email regarding moving my stuff, and practical matters) but I wish we were at more peace and could genuinely be friends.

Is there a way that you can not see her feed, but not unfriend her? Like if you hide all feeds, and delete her old chats from messenger but not block her or delete her? I only ask this because if she is civil with you and hoping you two can have a good friendship down the road, then maybe that might really hurt her and ruin that chance, or really just throw a monkey wrench into it.

Again, if you can't handle the pain of being friends with her right now, then of course do what you must.  But having a break-up with a pwBPD and having it be so amicable is a true rarity. Someday when the smoke clears you may be comfortable with the friendship, and be glad it was preserved. I don't know. Partly I speak from my own experience because I would love to be friends with my ex. But he (mostly) shuns me because it is too painful for him. So I have to respect that. Are you able to filter her or hide her posts so that you don't see them, or get notifications? Do you want to completely delete her, or just not have to see those posts?

Wishing you the best,
BD

[Samson1234@]

Yes I suppose that is an option, we were the best of friends before we started a relationship, really best friends, and it was only once we started an intimate relationship that her BPD traits took over. Whilst I don't regret that it did it did ruin our friendship to a great degree because right now obviously there are feelings still, at least on my part, so the idea of friendship is hard... .if she were to meet someone else that would hurt... .


At the minute I get notifications of her posting things because in facebooks brutal way it promotes things with people it sees you interacting with... .there is an option on there to "see less of this person" and there are groups that I really don't care that much about that I could leave to reduce seeing her... .but im still scared of going on to do that for the reasons above... .

I really feel so weak right now, just the idea of opening that app on my phone causes me tremendous anxiety which is very unlike me. Its converse to how im actually feeling about the breakup as I feel stronger every day about that, but this is a big barrier to me right now.

And I would like to be friends with her in the future, which sounds odd, but once I don't care about the relationship being over, which I know is right, I think we could be friends again and id like to see how her life progresses, just so long as its not me that bares the brunt of her drug abuse, rage etc... .

[BasementDweller]

Ah, ok. I can totally understand the position you are in right now. I don't have Facebook (and when I read all these posts, I'm relieved, haha) but many years ago when I did have it, I recall you could go on the computer and choose to hide a person's feeds - so you would get no notifications about anything they posted, but you didn't have to block or unfriend them, and they wouldn't know you didn't follow them anymore.

I never installed FB messenger, so I never knew how that worked. But I guess maybe the chats look like your text message list on the phone? Are you able to (when you feel better) launch the app, and delete your string of chats, so that her picture doesn't pop up anymore when you open the app? Of course if she sent you a new message, you'd see her again.

It must be difficult - that you were close friends and then when you tried to be more, the BPD caused all sorts of problems. My ex and I started out dating, so I never had a chance to be his just his friend. I do know he is a warm, funny, friendly, intelligent man, and I envy anyone who can now sit and have a beer with him and laugh and joke around. Because I can't anymore. He won't allow it. I wish I still could. But yes, trying to be that close, in an intimate relationship with a pwBPD is such a struggle. It triggers all their fears and insecurities. If you are just friends, at times it can be a lot more manageable.

Another option is that if you have a chance to talk to her at a neutral time, when you are both in an ok mood, you can tell her that you want to cut contact on social media because it is causing anxiety, but you still want to be friends and she can contact you through email? I am not sure at what stage you two are now. Are you talking at all?

If being on FB and seeing her makes you anxious do you have a trusted friend or relative that can sit with you and be the one to go on the computer and delete the extra groups you don't want to see or change your settings?

[once removed]

to my knowledge, you can unfriend her without visiting her page. if you visit your own friends page, there should be a down arrow to toggle that gives you the option.

if you have the intention (whether or not you change your mind) i see nothing wrong with a polite note that says you need time and space to heal and grieve, that its not a dig at her, and that youll be back in touch when youre ready.

thats a conversation perhaps better suited in the middle of another one, though it doesnt have to be. do you foresee any time in the future that shes going to contact you, or where you will need to contact her?

[Samson1234@]

Yes, I need to see her next week, I have £500 to give her from selling her car for her and two bags of all the stuff she left at mine, fathers day stuff she did for me that she might want, her flippin cannabis grinder she desperately wants back. She wants to go for a pint when I drop them off "if that's not too weird"... .

The problem I have is I want to see these posts quite badly! I'm in this weird state of fear where I suspect these posts are probably nothing, but in my head they are her in the arms of another, and if I checked I'm sure it would all be fine, photos of the sky or something and I could tick the "see less of this person" option and likely crack on with my amazing facebook life... .or they will be her and some new guy saying "great night out, we are off to have three hours of sex I love him so much"... .

It feels like I need to know but either way I just cant bring myself to find out until such time as I can look at them and be ok with whatever they are!

I totally appreciate how weak and weird this entire topic is, but right now the thought of even going on facebook  is too much, im cripplied with anxiety even imagining doing it to take any action... .

I have literally never felt so weak in my life!

From now on if I marry someone ill add them to facebook but without question in the many many relatioships I have had over the past ten years in every single one the whole facebook thing is the worst part to deal with! I love facebook but its a total curse when it comes to breaking up!

[Samson1234@]

I kind of feel right now that woman are just things I don't need, tools to serve a purpose, but all harmful, to be kept at a huge distance, and my kids and my safe spaces on the internet like facebook (think of it what you will, its a huge part of my social life) needs to be totally protected from them because they are ultimately harmful and woman ruin them.

I totally get that its a really horrible way to think but if I put a huge wall around my core, me, my real feelings, my children, my friendships and my social media... .and woman were just a thing outside that which I never let in id be better protected…... and then I could have woman in my life but my inner core, the things that matter to me could be exempt from that, protected from it, never touched, and so id always have that kept safe... .

Im worried that I could never see a woman as anything other than meat, even now I am meeting woman, they are showing interest, and im thinking that I could likely sleep with this one and that one, and I might, im meeting one tomorrow, another in Monday... .im totally playing them, but I know ill drop them like that if they get close to me... .honestly its so horrible but I cant help it, I actually feel so broken at the minute

[Hadenoughtimes4]

Samson, don't think you're the only one that feels this way, many of do and it is difficult. Is there someone you trust that go on FB with you on your site and have them remove her (block her)? Give it time but if you want my 2 cents (2 pence) don't go have a drinor a IC cone or anything. Clear from your posts you are hurt and it will be worse in my thinking. Mail the stuff back, send a check or leave it with a common friend or anything other than meeting. Your heart needs you, protect it please. These are dangerous people and you may get sucked back in or try anything to get her back only to have her get up and leave with you holding the check.

[BasementDweller]

Well... .maybe try not to get into too many self-destructive meaningless affairs, it might make you feel a lot worse and cause more conflict. And... .maybe try not to have the "woman hater" defense mechanisms so on, haha. I'm a woman and I'm in the same boat you are - except I got hurt by a BPD man so I'm kind of on your side, and definitely not a heartless shrew. Without getting too off track - it's not about gender - it's about an unfortunate mental illness that knows no gender boundaries. Though I can certainly understand having protective walls up when it comes to dating. Take your time with this - the wound is still fresh. But don't let it turn you bitter - don't give anyone that power over you.

If you feel like you might not be able to handle what you see on her social media - like if she were dating - maybe don't look. No, definitely don't look. Yes, there might be something on there that reassures you (like no evidence of a new man) but if there is something that might bother you - it's better not to see it. It will serve no purpose other than to cause more problems. It might be a good idea to hide the feeds and the groups, and maybe like once removed suggested, you could talk to her at a neutral time, and tell her you want a break from the social media contact, but it's not a dig at her, and she can reach you through email about practical matters.

[once removed]

I totally appreciate how weak and weird this entire topic is

i went through it myself. i get it. 4-8 hour daily anxiety attacks, and heaven help me if i looked at her facebook,  and i did. kudos for the discipline not to look, but i get how the notifications and profile thumbnail on messenger really dont help. i think you might also be surprised, it doesnt always take more than an innocent picture of the sky to read into it, exacerbate anxiety, and get your mind spinning.

when you meet up, that might be a good opportunity to have that "look, nothing personal, i just need a break for a bit" conversation.

[Samson1234@]

yeah, that might be a good idea. She did actually suggest that back along, I had her car before we split up, and afterwards I said id sell it and she said she cant ask me to do that for it, but it would really help her out, and if I did then maybe I could sell it then we could take a minute to heal and see where we are... .maybe she was right... .

I don't know what ill do, but I know right now that being on facebook isn't right for me, ill give her her money and see where she is and we will have that chat about what to do... .she wants me in her life I want her in mine, but neither want each other as partners, we both want our best friend back, but we cant right now, that is for sure!

[BasementDweller]

Maybe in time with no contact on social media things might feel less painful, and you can work on rebuilding the friendship. I hope to be able to be friends with my ex someday too if at all possible, but right now things are just... .way too raw. I understand how that feels.

I definitely wish you the best of luck going forward, and hope you find a peaceful, workable solution.

[Cromwell]

Hi Samson

I reinstalled whattsapp after about 3 or 4 months NC, being naive with the settings I was shocked that she still appeared despite having blocked her, I saw her face for the first time - it was the first time id ever felt and experienced - nausea - I can relate to the anxiety.

just wanted to list my thoughts on what youve said up until now to see if ive been following correctly;

* The stress has caused you to lose a significant amount of weight in a short period of time
* Your drinking every day as a crutch
* Its led you to a support group to make sense of it all
* She is a habitual drug user
* You question that this was an abusive relationship
* Your guilty about how she behaves around your kids as a negative influence - the rages, the intense outbursts, the drug use.
* Your anxiety levels are so high from it that even seeing her face, or logging into facebook causes you distress.
* You want to be her best friend and via versa, seeing sufficient qualities that match your standards for it.

Have I misinterpreted anything or so far following ok?

[once removed]

im friends with most of my exes, and they were all bad breakups.

it is definitely best to heal first and foremost. unresolved feelings and baggage can make it really difficult. after that, it tends to be a new kind of relationship, built from scratch, sometimes close, sometimes just available and pleasant. while its possible, often times one or both parties are detached and disinterested. a particular ex of mine, i enjoy talking to once or twice a month, going to her halloween party, that sort of thing, and it will never be more than that.

[Samson1234@]

Hi Samson

I reinstalled whattsapp after about 3 or 4 months NC, being naive with the settings I was shocked that she still appeared despite having blocked her, I saw her face for the first time - it was the first time id ever felt and experienced - nausea - I can relate to the anxiety.

just wanted to list my thoughts on what youve said up until now to see if ive been following correctly;

* The stress has caused you to lose a significant amount of weight in a short period of time
* Your drinking every day as a crutch
* Its led you to a support group to make sense of it all
* She is a habitual drug user
* You question that this was an abusive relationship
* Your guilty about how she behaves around your kids as a negative influence - the rages, the intense outbursts, the drug use.
* Your anxiety levels are so high from it that even seeing her face, or logging into facebook causes you distress.
* You want to be her best friend and via versa, seeing sufficient qualities that match your standards for it.

Have I misinterpreted anything or so far following ok?

yup, that's a good summary, and it sounds mad doesn't it, reading it like that, but before all that, before we had an intimate relationship, we were the most amazing friends, there was none of the craziness, no rages, no drama, my kids were safe, and me and her did nothing but talk and be there for each other, no love bombing, no rages, just friends... .we ruined that... .or maybe im being naive about what that was, but that's what I miss more than anything, my friend... .she was horribly toxic as my partner, horribly! and I have no idea if im being a total idiot thinking all that wasn't part of everything, but on paper our relationship lasted 4 months, but its harder than that because to me it started over a year before then, for me it started long before we ever got together

[Cromwell]

Hi Samson

Part of what kept me returning each time was bypassing the hurt and wishing a return to the good times. Like yourself, we originated as friends for many months and although not that close friends, I saw her as good company, no issues, easy going. The start of the relationship was amazing, up until 3 months, and the dissillusionment, painting black, call it what you will, whatever happened - and I went back each time because it was hard to not just see each subsequent rage time as a "one off" bad day, for all the good times in the big picture - or as you say "before all that" ie; the past.

You will have an advantage by starting to research the condition here and make sense of it, I only started after 3 years of this push/pull, ive learned more about my ex, post relationship after finally going NC, than I did of her when we were together.

My thoughts are; youve been hurt already but want to keep some form of relationship - based on past performance being an indicator to future results.

Do you think how much youve been hurt already, there is much likelihood of her being able to cause potentially even worse?

Im not saying it might not work for you, ive never tried the "we cant be lovers but can still be friends approach", I guess I did for 2 or 3 weeks, but realised quickly that my sleep got out of sync, the anxiety came flooding back, I can relate a lot to you not being even able to go on Facebook. In my experience those feelings didnt go away by becoming friends with a person that is emotionally volatile, unpredictable and unstable.

Will you be willing to get the 4am phone calls to help her out when shes drunk, needing rescued, be triangulated with her new partners or the rest of the BPD catalogue of needs-servicing? If you dont fulfill any needs or - be perceived as filling those needs as her friend - painted black, bad mouthed to all who care to listen.

I just cant see the value in it, after making that mistake myself.

[Samson1234@]

Thank you Cromwell, and everyone else... .

Given me  lot to think about. I guess this is part of the detachment process, letting go of who they where or what you hoped they could be... .and accepting them as the person they actually are, then deciding if teo want them as a friend either now or in the future


Adulting is soo much harder that I thought when I was a kid!

[Cromwell]

Thank you Cromwell, and everyone else... .

Given me  lot to think about. I guess this is part of the detachment process, letting go of who they where or what you hoped they could be... .and accepting them as the person they actually are, then deciding if teo want them as a friend either now or in the future


Adulting is soo much harder that I thought when I was a kid!

Even just a short break away when I split up, ranging from a couple of days up to 4 weeks, I started to reflect a bit, not enough to avoid going back, not clear headed enough to have made proper decisions, I was just at the stage of the fog lifting a bit and then - there she was again. That little bit of reflection time did help; those last 3 months together I found my closure, she realised I could leave - she didnt cause many issues - it was like honeymoon period rebooted, only with that enjoying the time together whilst guarded for the expected to happen. When I sensed it starting again is when I went NC. The point is, it is difficult choice to make when everything seems fine again, I also pondered for a bit when I met her 2 months ago, "im a lot better, researched the condition - maybe a friendship of some sorts is possible". On the surface she was friendly, nostalgic, compliments - yet I was riddled with anxiety from it - I could sense something wasnt quite right, almost like witnessing an actress falter very subtly whilst rehearsing her lines.

Staying, recycling, it was shamelessly easy on both sides, actually proper detaching from it was so monumentally hard to do. Its a year detached now, havent seen or heard from her for 2 months - yet there is still that slight gnawing feeling that its never over, (from her side). If this happens to be the same for you, what id say is - what harm would it be to get yourself back on track a bit, physically, delay decisions like that; chances are its not time critical she will always be around to renew a friendship if you feel by that point you want to try?

Question, do you believe she would be a supportive friend at this exact moment in time, helping to make it easier to cope with all that you are going through? Do her best to support your needs.

Thats what friends are for?

[once removed]

Do her best to support your needs.

Thats what friends are for?

i think this is an important question. because i think if thats the type of relationship the OP expects or seeks, it will probably be too heavy for both parties, lead to pain, and flame out quickly.

most post romantic relationship friendships dont, and shouldnt, get to that point.

the ex i mentioned previously, for what its worth, has BPD traits (in her own words). she also cheated on me, ghosted me, did drive by honkings past my house, told people that i stalked her, bashed me to anyone that would listen, insulted me, screamed at me, and literally posted fliers around the school about me. there was a lot of hurt, and a lot of "yikes!". friendship would not have been possible at the time.

today, we talk a couple of times a month. i go to her halloween party every year. i always enjoy talking to her. shes fun, funny, and we have a chemistry (non romantic) that i enjoy. we speak candidly, but we arent confidants. i dont dump my problems on her or go to her for support, or vice versa... .thats not the nature of our friendship, or what our friendship is for. our friendship is safe, it works, and it enriches my life.

[Samson1234@]

Question, do you believe she would be a supportive friend at this exact moment in time, helping to make it easier to cope with all that you are going through? Do her best to support your needs.

Thats what friends are for?

No, no I absolutely do not! She didn't once when we together...

I was thinking today, im down right now obvs, my friends forced me away with them, a weekend camping at a steampunk festival, got me very drunk, BBQ's... .doing the stuff friends do and I had a great time.

One of them said something similar so I was thinking about this...


I have a super interesting life... .my job is REALLY interesting - she never once asked me anything about it, I had a stalker whilst I was wth her (an actual proper lots of police involvement type stalker) and she barely ever mentioned it or asked how things were going, if I had issues with my kids mum she couldn't have been less interested unless it affected her... .


I guess my purpose was to service her needs, not impose mine on her... .if she cant do that in a relationship can I reasonable be surprised that she wouldn't in a friendship?


And like you say if that is to happen whats the rush for that? If it matters and is wanted a bit of time going to change that?


Sounds like you had that time too OR and that seems to have worked out well with your ex/friend

[Cromwell]

And like you say if that is to happen whats the rush for that? If it matters and is wanted a bit of time going to change that?

Sounds like you had that time too OR and that seems to have worked out well with your ex/friend

Hi Samson,

"my life is always so chaotic" "im terrible with money" "I cant cope", always struggling, always in need - implicit understanding is - dont even bother to think to ask for much - if anything at all. That was how it worked.

Yet, she was there for me emotionally and at the start of our friendship before relationship, if I was going through a bad time she would help - as a very self reliant guy and I was doing alright otherwise, I didnt expect much else. The rapport was there, the trust grew, where it went wrong I can relate to your experience - it was O-Kish until it became a relationship.

My ex had this passion to be saved by another, her most recent theme of texts and throughout each era; pre relationship, in relationship, post relationship - were of not being able to cope in the world, seeking help, wether financially, suicidal ideation, putting herself in vulnerable circumstances and calling for help.

getting into a relationship didnt make any of that disappear, it just created an unhealthy dependency - my ex wanted to be loved for who she was, cared for, someone dependable - however once it is achieved there comes the realisation that these things dont actually create the happiness that is fantasized, it reflects to her eventually a realisation of being dependent on another, this leading to hatred, leading to punishment and sabotagement. (the cheating).

As a friend pre-relationship, it was easier going, although I did get moments of her needing attention, she also was there for me emotionally on bad days. I look back and think it might have worked if it would have stayed just with that, but then again, I do recall some 5am "come see me" or "come help me" phone calls which in hindsight I should have seen as red flags.

I think in the facebook generation a lot has been lost in translation, my ex referred to anyone she met for 5minutes as "a friend", the word aquaintance you never hear, isnt a facebook option. Ive became wary, the most problems ive had with people are ones who pushed very hard from early on to be friends - and it ends up that if you go down that slipperly slope and accept - you start to lose boundaries. "I thought we were friends, you cant even lend me £10 and i desperately need it for food?" that sort of stuff.

As for myself, I think after ghosting her the second time around - i think she would be too scared by my motive to suddenly contact her again and be friends. In your case, you havent left the relationship under bad terms, I see no reason that she wouldnt accept a 'friendship', if she was anything like my ex - its less a case of worrying about losing her as much as id say - watch when the calls start coming in.

 my relationship began after 6 months of her just vanishing during what was our 'friendship'. she contacted me again like nothing ever happened, no explanation, (she got into a R/S and cut everyone she knew out her life overnight). When it feel apart, she reached out to me I just got a text out of the blue. i wont forget asking her if we could meet up - the reply was so cool, so nonchalant; "of course we can meet up, its been 6 months since ive seen you"!

I can look back now and laugh at how crazy it all was but also how gullible I was too.

Hoping your getting back on your feet Samson.

[Samson1234@]

So update, and a great progress report I think!

In the end I blocked her from messenger, but not facebook, which meant that she couldn't message me but importantly meant that I didn't have to see her pic every time I went onto messenger.

That has been the situation for about three weeks and it felt amazing not seeing her face.


There has been communication but not much at all, only about selling her car and i just text her about that when i had to.


She contacts me last night about 10pm... .


"Hey, are you about early next week? I have a lil summin to say thanks and would like my stuff back. Went to message you on fb but see im blocked so have unfriended you x


shortly followed by...


"I have many photos that you are going to want and im sure youll have ones id like too so we should have a lil data transfer"


I havent replied, to me these were some terribly manipulative messages! She knew id blocked her from messenger, she had changed her profile pic to one i had taken of her on a day out to get attention, of course iwouldnt want to see that, that clearly pissed her off so she trying to make me feel bad for doing that and hen tries to punish me by unfriending me haha, but then seems to offering soem kind of present... .The stuff of hers i have are a hairbrush, some fruit tea bags, her cannabis grinder and a dressing gown that smells of BO... .
not important stuff!


Her second messages she is then talking about a load of photos she has of my kids, she has some amazing photos of them... .with her in them! Why on earth does she think id want those?


I think these are all things to draw me back... .i suspect either she is off her face on coke, or something has gone wrong for her and she wants someone to unload all her latest drama and crazy onto.


Im really pleased though because my first reaction was to just think "jesus  what does she want?" followed quickly by my feeling a bit annoyed at her controlling and manipulative messages!A month ago id have been shaking with stress and hurting so this is an amazing sign!

If i reply im going to say "Hey, if i get chance to ill drop your stuff of next week, you don't owe me anything, thanks though". I got a friend with BPD and we have been talking loads so she drafted that message for me, she said that message will piss her off at first but it ill sink in that she isnt in my head any more. Then I can leave a bin bag with her stuff in in her yard and not have to see her and she has her belongings back and she has no reason to contact me again which i think is important.


My non-BPD friends say to not reply, jsut block her and bin her junk cos its all just crap, there is no jewellry or anything of any emotional importance in there. Others say just post her her stuff. Im not sure which is best yet, not sure i even want to reply.


How i feel though is that these people are not so attractive once you see them for what they are and the emotional bond has gone.


Im also getting plenty of funtimes with other woman so in all im feeling pretty  awesome about my life now, even got a big promotion in a new job! I hope my posts have helped others, i feel i can talk and post now from the other side of a BPD breakup which is a nice place to be!

[once removed]

be mature in what you do in the breakup. youll be grateful for it even years from now, and youll carry it into future relationships.

do return her belongings if she wants them. obviously you dont have to accept any belongings you arent interested in... .i would encourage you not to spite her in the process. you can always accept them and then dispose of them yourself.

its been a couple of days, how is it going?

[Drs204]

My xgfwBPD broke up with me saying "no time for a r/s with the new job and the kids. (she is also a widow).

A month or 5 weeks later she blocked me on FB. Took me a couple days to figure it all out. A friend (who didn't know her) went to her page and found she had a new BF. Sent me screenshots and all that. So then I knew why I was blocked.

We had about a 2 year r/s and this is how it ended. We had a few more texts back and forth, I accused her of lying and such. She said she didn't cheat on me as she met the guy two weeks before. (this was after a week of her "in a r/s" with the new guy. So she knew him a week?

She has not replied since. There has been no contact from her for about 6 weeks now. I sent her a text a month ago saying I was sorry for things I said and that I forgive her. (She is undiagnosed and I only figured it all out with some discussion with the friend who found out she was in a new r/s as her daughter is BPD). I have learned a lot about BPD since then and it all makes perfect sense (as much as BPD can to a non such as myself).

It seems strange not seeing her on FB or chatting with her on messenger as we always did that. But in a way I am glad I can't see her on FB with her new man. I think it would be much harder to take. But I do wish we would still talk and be friends.

The FB thing is very hard when it comes to breakups. Ugh.

[Samson1234@]

The FB thing is very hard when it comes to breakups. Ugh.

It sure is!

I'm 40 now, I've had a lot of relationships, ones that hurt me when they end and ones that don't. When its one that hurts then facebook is the ultimate in pain and quandary! Of course you want to have this lifeline there to engage with them still but seeing them all the time there its really rather brutal, and of course people paint the best versions of their lives on there so it often feels like they go go skipping along about their lives carefree and not looking back.


WITHOUT question the kindest thing you can EVER do to yourself when you break up is to remove them from your facebook. Doing so can be so so hard but there is nothing but pain to be found by trying to keep in touch with people who have said they don't want you any more. If they tell you in their words and their actions that is what they want you have to believe them. If its meant to be not being FB friends wont prevent you coming back together right

[Samson1234@]

its been a couple of days, how is it going?

Its going good.

I obviously wouldn't bin her stuff, its hers, I was just sharing what people had said. I returned her belongings to her and just ignored the bits she said about swapping photos.

I don't have feelings there any more, I don't love her. But I love the friend she once was still, even if that wasn't the real her, but I miss that and who knows, maybe one day that might happen but for the minute I just need to keep away from her, self preservation. I haven't been like stalking her or owt weird and I don't think ive looked on her fb once since we split, just wish her happiness and if we drift back into each others lives sometime then maybe we will be friends, who knows.