Just do not know what to do: she broke up, I'm living off of Red Bulls

[Coastered]

So, out of the blue, my partner ditched me after a year.  We were engaged to marry and it really hit me hard.

First off after thinking she loved me things went south.  She would get extremely mad over the slightest things.  She would throw things at me, spit on me, call me horrendous names (really, really horrible) and generally scream right in my face.  I never retaliated.  She blamed be for everything, I could not have a reasonable conversation about 'life problems' with her and everything was turned around to be my fault.  The rages I have never witnessed before in my life, it really is indescribable.  Bizarre thing is she can explode at me then three minutes later speak to someone else and be composed.

The problem is there were wonderful times, she was generous, loving and really was special to me, she had problems with her previous partners so I let a lot of the abuse slide.

Now she has walked out, told me it’s over and she does not want to get together again, she has said this before but this time it does feel like the last time.  Yes I do want to be with her.

She does still ring, she offers to help me with my driving (I am taking my test soon) and does still message me but I really am at a loss as what to do.  I really do love this woman but the bad times make me sick, hugely stressful although the good times are wonderful.

Is she playing games with me?  At the moment I am just not eating, I am smoking and living off Red Bulls.  I just have no appetite.  I am almost sleeping all my spare time and am just clinging on at work.  When I go to sleep I think about what happened and the first thought I have when I wake up is how sad the whole situation is.

Sorry if this is a ramble but when I talk to my friends they just do not understand.

I have come to the conclusion she is BPD from the research I have done, she does tick all the boxes.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Coastered,



I am sorry for the turmoil you are experiencing in your relationship! I know a lot of us can relate to aspects of what you are describing here.

If I may, because I've been there, can I ask you to please eat something healthy?  Some real food. Please. You need your strength and energy drinks alone are not enough!   

It feels like a game. It is tempting to say that. But our partners have a mental disorder that makes them engage in some push/pull behavior. It is not easy to understand or relate to!

We're here. We don't want you to be alone in this! I know how hard it is when someone is wonderful then awful, and it repeats over and over again.

How recent is the split? Is this the first one? What reasons did she give?

wishing you the best, pearl.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Coastered, let me join pearlsw in welcoming you here. You've definitely come to the right place.

I'm sorry to hear this relationship has left you in such a difficult place. Even if she doesn't have a BPD diagnosis, it's very fair to say from your description that she has BPD traits. Seconding pearlsw that the push/pull dynamic can be extremely challenging since it makes it almost impossible to gauge their feelings regarding the relationship.

Since you can't control what's happening on her end, what are some things you think you can do to get yourself back on a healthier track? Have you considered seeing a counselor or joining an activity of some kind to take your mind off things?

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

[Coastered]

Thanks everyone.  It is good to feel welcome here.

We have split up many times, usually she throws the ring at me and then she eventually calms down.  We broke up around two weeks ago over the slightest thing, she just flipped.  I was essentially just telling her that we both need to be calm when we are in the car if I am learning.  With that she opened the car door and left, screaming at me again.

Reasons for the split?

She didn't love me, I am controlling, I am jealous, she did not want to be a family with me, I depress her.  She said I would find someone else in a week and with that she was gone.

Last night we went to the cinema together and had a meal but I still feel a distance with her although it is a lot more amicable now.  I do not know if I should ask her if we can try again or take it very very slow.  I love this woman.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Coastered,

Thanks for the update.

I think its very important to mention that while us as "nons" (people without BPD) tend to act and make decisions based on a foundation of understanding and rationality, people with BPD generally act on the emotion they feel in the moment. For example, for you, the decision to break off a relationship would probably be the result of a lot of time and thought, right? Someone with BPD, meanwhile, might get angry you looked at them a certain way and suddenly break up with you instantly after loving you a moment before.

As per my earlier suggestion, seeing a counselor to help you better understand your own emotions as well as her emotional patterns might make you better equipped to negotiate this complex relationship.

At the same time, your own mental, physical, and emotional health is really essential to coping with a BPD relationship, regardless if its a romantic relationship, familial, or just a friendship. Otherwise, you will just be dragged along on their highs and lows.

Did you come across the book Stop Walking on Eggshells during your research?

~ROE

[Coastered]

Hi Coastered, let me join pearlsw in welcoming you here. You've definitely come to the right place.

I'm sorry to hear this relationship has left you in such a difficult place. Even if she doesn't have a BPD diagnosis, it's very fair to say from your description that she has BPD traits. Seconding pearlsw that the push/pull dynamic can be extremely challenging since it makes it almost impossible to gauge their feelings regarding the relationship.

Since you can't control what's happening on her end, what are some things you think you can do to get yourself back on a healthier track? Have you considered seeing a counselor or joining an activity of some kind to take your mind off things?

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

Thanks

I think I am codependent so work needs to be done there, I did not have a great childhood.  Do not get me wrong, I was not abused but both my mum and dad did not really know how to love.  It is possible that I am trying to see some level of validation in my partners and that is why I seem to choose the wrong type.  I have tried to work on myself but the counselling in the UK is poor at best.

[RolandOfEld]

I was / am codependent as well. Similar home situation, low validation, high rage (possibly BPD) mother. Don't be hard on yourself about it. Counseling helped a lot. UK should also have some codependents anonymous support groups.

~ROE

[Enabler]

CODA is a national organisation in the UK. I was surprised at how many groups there were and so many close to my home.

Here's the website

www.coda-uk.org/

[Coastered]

UPDATE

Well, we decided to start dating again and things were going very well indeed.  She texted me and told me she loved me and we made love a few times.  She was happy and told me that.

Then we were due to go to the Cinema with her son Sunday morning, this was agreed on Saturday for Sunday.  On Sunday her Son decided he did not want to go to the Cinema and so she invited me around later in the day.  I had to get my house in order at the time so I said that I could not come around tonight.  She went ballistic.  She abused me on a mobile phone message and rang me up again straight after and called me an ungrateful c***.  Now she is saying the past week has been horrible for her in direct contradiction to what she told me herself.

I am exhausted, I am in pain, I do not know what to do anymore.  I feel dead.

She is behaving like a completely different person, my head is a mess

[Coastered]

Just to add, she thinks i am am now engulfing her.  I hardly ever text unless she does, I do not ring much.  She accuses me of things that are just not real.  We see each other at most once a week.

I try to play it her way but she keeps moving the goalposts.  I am exhausted!  Do I just go no contact (she does it to me).

To describe I have to be perfect 100% of the time with no faults but she does not set the same standards for herself.  EVERYTHING is my fault... .  She will do things for me that I do not ask and then hold that against me.  If anyone is feeling engulfed, its me.  I do not know which way to turn

It is amazing that putting this down here helps in a way.  Nobody I talk to understands, they say just leave... .

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Coastered, thank you for checking back in with us.

I'm so sorry to hear that things took this turn after such a good spell. The problem in a BPD relationship is it's very hard to track progress since things can be fine for a long time and then all of a sudden they are not. This kind of tornado spin definitely leaves us feeling like a total mess.

It reminds me of all the years I spent thinking, "wow, things seem great. I think the problems we had are finally over." The upside to this mindset is that for a week or even a few weeks, I got to feel like I was in a normal relationship. The downside is that when the sudden turn came, I was utterly unprepared and ended up feeling like you do now.

The reality of being in a relationship with someone with BPD is that they are not well and something will trigger them eventually. In this case it was your inability to come by her place. My guess is that if it had not been that, it would have been looking at her the wrong way, or being a few minutes late. You did nothing wrong, but her illness was waiting for something to justify losing it.

This is not an easy reality to face, and an even harder one to choose.  

I would strongly suggest tending to your own pain before trying to resolve things with her. No contact might be better until you are feeling more comfortable.

What can you do to get yourself back into a better place? Listen to music? Talk to a friend or family member?

Sending you strength,
~ROE

[Coastered]

Thanks for your reply.  It means a lot to me that people know how I feel and what I am going through.

The thing is she is making me lose it, she turns everything around to be my fault.  She will distort reality and forget how good she felt only a few days ago.  She will say she loves me and is happy and the next day she cant "do this anymore?"

She will lie, alter facts, invent excuses that has me pulling my hair out.

At the moment I am depressed with it all and sleeping seems to be the only rest bite.

[Enabler]

Hey Coastered, great to hear from you again. Let me start by endorsing what RofE said about BPD relationships, there's a constant push pull which is primarily based on THEIR fluctuating feelings. On the surface of things we look at the person and think, they look like a person, smell like a person and feel like a person, they must process information in the same way that I do... .sadly not. There will be periods where your cognition and her cognition will marry up and things will appear normal, however she's processing stimuli based on her emotions, you are processing it based on rational thought and your feelings combined. You probably know pretty quickly whether or not what you think is somewhat irrational and feelings based... .you double check yourself and adjust yourself to the facts. A pwBPD tends not to do the second part of the process and instead is dominated by their feelings and adjust the facts and their "rational thought" to align with their feelings.

I challenge you to take the things you wrote in your post earlier today and spin them around such that what she is telling you about how you are... .actually is how she is. It's called projection. She feels engulfed because she got too deep and too loved up too quickly, she is the one who feels she is contacting you too often and is setting herself up for disappointment. These are her feelings and actions she is unable to take responsibility for herself (as that would mean she is responsible for herself and the outcomes, and ultimately pain of disappointment) so, she projects these feelings onto you. It sounds a bit arrogant and probably feels it, but listen to what she is telling you about you, and hear that she is feeling all of those things about herself. She is scared of herself.

I think you need to step back and consider whether or not you want to deploy the investment you need to make to stay in this dynamic. You have educated yourself enough to know what kind of experience you're in for and please do not delude yourself to believe that you can somehow manage her so that it becomes all fine and 'normal'. Only she can get herself to that point with a lot of hard work in psychotherapy.

Enabler

[blackorchid]

hey coastered IVe been in this situation for 2 months now and i know exactly what you mean re sleeping and not eating... .it totally sucks... .

Im English but living in Turkey atm and I would do anything to be able to see a counsellor but its just not possible here, I think if you can find a group or councellor defintetly go try it out.  Friends and family just dont understand what were saying. All I get told is to leave him and why are you still thinking about him he left you 2 months ago... .To the point now that im not talking to any of my friends here... .dont end up like me... .

Try and maybe take up a new hobby or something... .again so much easier to do back home and to do something that is for you and will make you feel better about yourself and as Pearl says make sure that you eat as much as you really dont want to, it willl make you feel better in the long run!

[Coastered]

hey coastered IVe been in this situation for 2 months now and i know exactly what you mean re sleeping and not eating... .it totally sucks... .

Im English but living in Turkey atm and I would do anything to be able to see a counsellor but its just not possible here, I think if you can find a group or councellor defintetly go try it out.  Friends and family just dont understand what were saying. All I get told is to leave him and why are you still thinking about him he left you 2 months ago... .To the point now that im not talking to any of my friends here... .dont end up like me... .

Try and maybe take up a new hobby or something... .again so much easier to do back home and to do something that is for you and will make you feel better about yourself and as Pearl says make sure that you eat as much as you really dont want to, it willl make you feel better in the long run!

Thanks for this, good to know I am not alone.  I am with you on the friends aspect.  I think I am now annoying them as they just tell me to forget about her but I find it all so difficult to do.  I have tried to find help but really it is not easy to do unless you go private.  The NHS is such a mess.  I find this group helps a lot and everyone knows what it is like.

I am going to try no or low contact.  See how that helps?

Again thanks

[blackorchid]

coastered yep I truly feel like im just annoying all my friends and family as well... .thats why this page is such a godsend!

Yeah I get what you mean about the NHS but maybe there are some help groups nearby?

In my experience when I go low/NC i get a better response so you could try it... .

[Enabler]

Most people don't believe in unicorns... .so trying to convince them that unicorns exist makes you appear like the a crazy person. Most people just cannot comprehend that other people process information in a completely different way. Often the behaviours are so obscure yet only behind closed doors.

One has to accept how this is. Some day people may find themselves in a position where they too believe in unicorns and you can have a frank open and honest discussion with them. I have spoken to people who have expressed concern over their partners behaviour, we've run through the behaviours, me pre-empting the list "do they do this?"... ."Yes"... .etc etc. However, when you say the words Borderline Personality Disorder it's instantly dismissed. Some people just aren't in that place even when a living breathing example is right in front of them and causing an extreme amount of chaos in their lives. These same people will continue to try and fight the fires in exactly the same old ways, pouring fuel on the proverbial fires day in day out... .

There is a huge network of private Therapists if you can afford one. I pay £55 an hour and now see mine every 3 weeks. The exhilaration I feel coming out of an hours T session is awesome. We talk through my W's behaviours, we talk through my feelings about it and come up with game plans, parenting skills and ways to manage my own reactions.

Peace be with you fellow Unicorn believers

[Coastered]

Most people don't believe in unicorns... .so trying to convince them that unicorns exist makes you appear like the a crazy person. Most people just cannot comprehend that other people process information in a completely different way. Often the behaviours are so obscure yet only behind closed doors.

One has to accept how this is. Some day people may find themselves in a position where they too believe in unicorns and you can have a frank open and honest discussion with them. I have spoken to people who have expressed concern over their partners behaviour, we've run through the behaviours, me pre-empting the list "do they do this?"... ."Yes"... .etc etc. However, when you say the words Borderline Personality Disorder it's instantly dismissed. Some people just aren't in that place even when a living breathing example is right in front of them and causing an extreme amount of chaos in their lives. These same people will continue to try and fight the fires in exactly the same old ways, pouring fuel on the proverbial fires day in day out... .

There is a huge network of private Therapists if you can afford one. I pay £55 an hour and now see mine every 3 weeks. The exhilaration I feel coming out of an hours T session is awesome. We talk through my W's behaviours, we talk through my feelings about it and come up with game plans, parenting skills and ways to manage my own reactions.

Peace be with you fellow Unicorn believers

Thank you so much for posting Enabler.  You give me hope.

I will keep you all updated with the next instalment and I really do believe there will be... .

[Coastered]

Another blow out that I tried my best to avoid.  To cut a long story short she texted me today asking if I managed to get a taxi to take me to work and my child to school.  I said that I had but it was a little earlier than expected due to demand.  She asked me to cancel it and then she would take us.  I told her that we were both fine with the times and that we were ok.  She told me it was not a problem so I cancelled the taxi.  

The moment I did she flew into a rage over text saying that I expect her to help and demand it, telling me that she is sick and tired of bending over backwards for me.   That I had emotionally blackmailed her to force her to give us a lift.  (I thought I was answering her questions).  Sadly I had already cancelled the taxi, because at that moment she seemed ok, but I told her that I was sorry she felt that way and we would make our own way to school and work as I only wanted people to be happy, and not to cause any problems.

She then told me she had no intention of picking me and my daughter up now, that my daughter is the most miserable child she has met.  That I am a fu**ing adult and should not rely on her.   (I did not ask her, she offered).  

I have read the texts and my mind is blown, she has created her own reality.  I was dammed if I took her help and dammed if I didnt from the outset,  I generally believe that if she is upset when she wakes up she HAS to take it out on someone, looks like I am that person.

I feel I am setup to fail.

Sorry I just need to write this down... .

My next move?  Is it to just not call or text or what?  I have no idea what mood she will be in right now.  Do I wait for her to text?

[pearlsw]

Another blow out that I tried my best to avoid.  

Hi Coastered,

I am sorry you had a bad time this morning. It may be too fresh to step into this with a line by line examination, I hope you don't mind, but I think there is a communication issue to look at carefully when you feel ready. I apologize if this is too soon for you!

Look at what you are saying to her after she offered to help you: "I am fine. We're okay."

What she is probably hearing: They don't need me. I don't matter.

What you say: I told her that I was sorry she felt that way and we would make our own way to school and work as I only wanted people to be happy, and not to cause any problems. (This sounds a bit passive aggressive.)

What she is probably hearing: That she is not needed and is a problem and that you think she is unhappy (so you are bringing up a relationship issue/telling her how she feels).

I know, I know, it is not that you said any of this in so many words, but I would bet that is what she heard. That set her emotions off I'm guessing.

So, if you can boil this all back down going forward, maybe what she is really saying, not very well, but at the root is she wants to be needed and loved and to be able to help you. She may have felt like her help was being rejected. Keep in mind, she can't regulate her emotions well. She is living in a world of emotions, not reason so much.

So, do you call her? I'd wait awhile.

You or her first? I think that would depend on how ugly it was and if you want to communicate with her. Did she call you names, sabotage you? Were you unable to get a ride in time?

Is there some reason for her heightened emotions today, some extra stress?

You might go back and look at these tools to get ready for the next conversation when it happens:

Validation
SET

Just my two cents!

Again, sorry you had an upsetting start to the day!  

wishing you the best, pearl.

[Coastered]

Pearl, I appreciate every different angle to look at things!  Thank you very, very much!

She does have stress at work, but I think she is unable to take things out on others so chooses me at times.  I was late for work yes, around two hours.

[pearlsw]

Pearl, I appreciate every different angle to look at things!  Thank you very, very much!

She does have stress at work, but I think she is unable to take things out on others so chooses me at times.  I was late for work yes, around two hours.

Hi Coastered,

Oh thanks back atcha! To be sure I am not trying to excuse this. It caused you serious harm. I would be very upset if someone made me late for work! I hate to be late and that would be a very serious relationship offense in my book. I would definitely draw a line in the sand on that point.

Yes, I think you've hit on one of the sad, major downsides of relationships! Argh! Oftentimes we get the worst of our partners. It baffles my mind how love can sometimes turn into this. How we go from these moments of bliss to being mistreated at times. Sigh.

I will contemplate this a bit and see if I can work with you here peer to peer on an approach. So you do not live together, right? You don't have to talk with her or see her today if you do not want to? Give it time, but never too much. The longer you let things go with someone you don't see or talk to so much the worse it can build up and the silence can lead to a lot of confusion, misconceptions, and pain I'm afraid!

What would you want to say or do next?

take care, pearl.

[Enabler]

It's very very true that sometimes it feels like pwBPD create their own weather. This is kind of a sick version of the Karpman triangle, normally in conflict you're aware of the dance and shifts around the triangle, but sometimes people's thought process is so mashed up the moves are almost without explanation... .or as pearl has done the reasoning is so irrational it's tough to come to that conclusion imediately, there are no natural progressions around the triangle... .just jerky shifts as your pwBPD changes gear to move you into her desired corner.

In her mind she rescued you (you and D were the victims... .when actually you were neutral), maybe she felt peculiar being in the rescue position so had to correct herself to be in her natural position of victim so slotted you to perpetrator and herself back to victim. It's totally crazymaking and almost impossible to stay central with double blinds left right and center. As you say, the whole thing is delusional and not even related directly to what you did or didn't ask/say. This is the point you take your ears elsewhere, carry on as planned (if possible) and move on. Maybe find another time to address the situation, arguing at the time is likely to be fuel on the fire.

Enabler

[Coastered]

Duplicate - sorry

[Coastered]

Thanks.  You have both given me food for thought.  A lot of the time I just read her texts or listen to her and say in my mind "No, I am not going to react - I know this is crazy but I am not going to engage"  I should have done this better in this instance.

Just to answer the questions I was asked, I do not live with her although she does stay around a few days a week and I do not have to see her if I do not want to.  

What do I want to happen next?  Just for her to calm down.

I do get the impression she does things for me to use them against me later.  She has done this many times.

Thanks everyone!  I really appreciate the feedback.

[pearlsw]

Hi again Coastered,

I was just thinking of your situation a bit... .

I think one thing that could be important at this point is to depersonalize a bit. What is the pattern? Let’s take all blame out of this and essentially ask what happened? Not who is wrong and right, just identify what is the pattern and we can try to work towards preferable outcomes. If we can see the pattern, maybe we can propose a new pattern. Ya know?

I think a lot of relationships go this route, and this doesn’t get you anywhere: Person A wrongs person B. Person A doesn’t recognize it or want to apologize. Person B is hurt and wants an apology. Verbal tug of war ensues. Someone gives in. No one is really happy. End. Repeat.

But if we can take the blame out of it, and just look at the pattern maybe we can find a new way that does not bury the problems, and can possibly get you to a more emotionally safe place and help reconnect you as a couple. This is extra challenging with emotional sensitivity thrown in I think.

I’m just trying to imagine your next conversation. It makes me nervous too!  But here’s a try at it:

I might say, “We didn’t communicate well this morning.” (That is true. And it is shared.) [If I was not super mad I would also throw in a funny face to be honest! Wink one eye! But that is just silly me trying to start up an awkward but necessary ice breaker... .]
Then I might say, “I hear that you were frustrated. I can see how the situation could be frustrating.” (Again, you aren’t giving away anything here. That was her emotion. She was frustrated to some degree.)
Then I might say, “Things broke down pretty badly between us and that feels lousy for both of us.” (Bringing your hurt emotions together)
Then I might say, “I ended up being late for work and that caused me some trouble. I have to be sure to avoid that going forward.” [I might add in an "I felt" statement here if I saw an opening, like "I felt pretty mad about that."]
Then I might say, [but you decide what works for you] “On the days you sleep over it works well to give us rides, but on the others days I will go ahead and take care of it. We can share that. I really appreciate your help with this. I know you mean well and want to help. I appreciate the offer.” 
I’d also throw in some “I love you’s.”

Then, I’d do an even bigger repair to try to get things back in the plus column. I’d say, “Let’s try to do something positive to get us back on a good track. How about we all [your choice] together tomorrow night?” You need a lot of positive to counteract the negative balance or misery will ensue.

She may try to argue and demand an apology. “You didn’t do X! You shouldn’t have done Y! You are an %$&#! You don’t have to JADE.

What I would not do is enter this thinking you can correct or change her behavior, get an apology, get her to see it your way, or agree with you, etc. If any of that happens, great, but I would not make that the goal. In a better world we’d all have understanding, be listened, to and get free ice cream. ;) 

You had to get to work and school. She wanted to help. Communication broke down. It didn’t work today. This does not mean it could never work.

Again, I’m just a regular person not a psychologist or communication specialist. I’m probably screwing this up on some communications technicalities that I am blind to in this moment. That’s life.

But I do think one of the biggest things you can do is remove blaming and labeling. Although this may have happened before I would not bring up every single time it ever happened. If you can get through this one time that is enough for now. You can’t fix all the past times at this point. But if you work well on this one you may set yourself for more and more improved communication going forward.

Communication mistakes will happen no matter how many books you read or how hard you practice. It’s a lifelong process and you just have to make a commitment to doing your best day after day no matter what people throw at ya, ya know? That is literally all you can do!  Life throws ya a lot of curveballs! Keep believing in yourself. Study. Try. Take breaks. Reassess. Try again. Take more breaks.

One piece of advice. Slow down. Always. Listen. Listen to the emotions. Hers and yours. Toss the garbage comments. If they get to be too much politely excuse yourself from the conversation and offer to come back later and talk more.

Adjust problem solving for the person you are with - one approach to all people won’t work in my experience. I had one boyfriend and we would stay up all night talking and solving our problems. It was great!   We never went to sleep mad, ever! I had another one who wanted problems solved “short and sweet” that was great too, very efficient! I learned with another partner, never, ever jump a guy with a problem the minute he's just gotten home from work! Oops! ;) There are a lot more fun ways to greet someone. ;)

So, watch the patterns. Do what you can to avoid extra stress on the relationship and it will give you more chances to try to for more peaceful times together. But don't just walk on eggshells either. You have got to say what you think, but how you say it could make a big difference.

take care, pearl.

[Coastered]

Peal,

Many, many thanks for taking the time to think and write all that out.  It has genuinely touched me that someone has taken so much time out of their day to do all of that for me.  It is very rare these days and I genuinely thank you from the bottom of my heart.  What you do should be commended.  Thank you as well Enabler, you also see a side of an issue that I have not thought about.  Brilliant site, brilliant community!

I have taken a good long look at what you both posted and I think it is valuable information.  I have tried not to argue but invariably it does on occasion happen.  What I do struggle with (as an INFJ) is the double standards she has a habit of displaying.  It is the most irritating thing in the world to me

She has been violent in the past, she has spat on me, called me names, screamed and acted ways I never thought possible (I know what a rage is now!).  This has not happened so much in the last month or two as I have changed how I react (less JADING) but she still splits then acts like nothing has happened.  Case in point she actually called ME later in the day yesterday and we spoke on the phone, her tone was like nothing had happened... .

To me I was hurt but to her she had blacked it out, so it was not an issue for her.  I have trouble at times dealing with that but I am working on it.

Again, thanks for everything you do - and all the others here.

[pearlsw]

Pearl,

She has been violent in the past, she has spat on me, called me names, screamed and acted ways I never thought possible (I know what a rage is now!).  This has not happened so much in the last month or two as I have changed how I react (less JADING) but she still splits then acts like nothing has happened.  Case in point she actually called ME later in the day yesterday and we spoke on the phone, her tone was like nothing had happened... .

To me I was hurt but to her she had blacked it out, so it was not an issue for her.  I have trouble at times dealing with that but I am working on it.

Again, thanks for everything you do - and all the others here.

Hi Coastered,

Oh thanks! I've been in such a good mood lately that I was afraid when I wrote this I might be off center a bit and sound a bit kooky!  hahahaha. Downplaying things somehow! These situations are indeed hard and some days are easier than others to come up with responses that work and don't feel exhausting and hopeless at times. Thank you for your patience and kindness towards me!

I've experienced violence, being spit on (!), name called, the works! My SO felt a lot of shame though which not all people express. He expressed shame in general, but I think having some was better than having none as it did work as some motivation to change!

Oh yes, that "nothing has happened" thing! Well, that is why is it is helpful to come here and get some validation for the reality of the things you deal with from people who have been there!    I think there is actually, for some people with these issues, a different way this gets remembered or not in their brains! My SO had very little recall of a lot of his life really, although in other areas his brain was... .like Einstein or Tesla!  Consider that because the emotions are so overwhelming for them, events don't get stored in their memory in the same ways yours are.

Keep working the tools. Remember a lot of this is about making adjustments to yourself. Working on "reading" your own irritations and letting them go can make a big difference.

wishing you happiness, pearl.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Coastered, so glad you are finding the support you need here!

I will share a little personal experience on the "like nothing happened" issue.

I remember I reached a point where it occurred to me that my wife and I were not living in the same reality.

In my reality, cutting my clothes to shreds and suddenly slapping me in the face fell far into the "NOT OK" spectrum.

In hers, it seemed like these were about as big a deal as a small argument, or they didn't seem to have happened at all.  

Part of the probably came from the fact that I did nothing about these behaviors for years, so in our relationship is had become as normalized as arguing about who should take out the garbage.

Another things is that I believe mental illnesses such as BPD have a means of taking care of themselves, such as selective forgetting or memory alteration.  

When I reported the above behaviors to the police, I think it brought a little more of the commonly accepted reality, that these were extreme and unacceptable behaviors, into hers and probably had a big effect on the action she's taken recently, such as getting on medication and working on non black and white thinking.

Can you explain a bit about what you did or didn't do in response the hitting and spitting, or remind us if you already have? Did you ever bring them up again with her?

~ROE

[Coastered]

Well it happened again.  She wanted to go to the petrol station and asked if I wanted to go with her.  I did and we returned.  I got out of the car and because I didnt say "thankyou" she blew up again and left.  She rang me up and she gave me more abuse over the phone telling me all the things she has ever done for me, that she did not love me and the trip we had earlier in the day, in which at the time she said she enjoyed 'and loved me' was actually not meant and she was lying because 'thats what I wanted to hear'.

If I am not 100% "on the ball" if I do not say the right things, 100% of the time and do the correct actions 100% of the time I will fail, well I am human and I fail occasionally then, when I do, I get the violent outbursts and verbal abuse.  I have, on her request, seen a doctor, been put on medication and done everything I can.  I look back and think what has she done, the answer is sadly nothing.  I guess because she believes I am the problem and that is what she had me believe.

Fast forward to today and I am 99% I am unable to take this anymore.  If she loved me she would not put me through this.  She has only two states of mind, the hero or the victim and I am out of strength.  This is now going on every Friday/Saturday as regular as clockwork and it always falls on me to repair the damage that she causes.  Yes I hate being alone, yes I love her but I cannot be responsible for her behaviour and be an apologist.  Either that or she acts like everything was fine and the last outburst did not even happen.

To answer a question, maybe if I did stand up to the spitting or the hitting or verbal abuse then maybe the powerplay would not be so far in her court, this unacceptable behaviour has become acceptable because I DID NOTHING ABOUT IT.   Her ex, who decided when she can see her kids and who owes her money gets none of this.  I am sick and tired of being a whipping boy and so utterly soul destroyed right now.  Does her ex not get the abuse because she knows he would not stand for it?  Does she hold a secret desire to be back with him?  These are the things swimming around my head.

I have never met an individual who keeps score of the things they 'do', to use against me later.  Things I never even asked for are used later to put an axe under my head.  Its used to say how ungrateful I am, how wonderful she is and how bad I am.

Sorry to ramble again, I am just lost right now.  Where is the woman I met a year ago, I see nothing in her today.