Hi!
This is a very big step for me! recognizing and admitting I can't 'do this' anymore and changing or ending the friendship in the most helpful and safe way for both of us.
Right now I am still in the friendship after making a very clear and healthy decision to end it.
I tried to express to my friend that this is about me and not her and she isn't buying it.
She explained that she knows how difficult she is and she is really working on it. Which is true. She is in therapy twice a week for the last 7 years for 'PTSD'. But in truth its because she is borderline and her therapist doesn' believe in giving a diagnosis. She matches 9 out of 9 of the DSM criteria.
I happen to be very good at dealing with and handling very difficult people. I grew up in a dysfunctional home with a bi polar mother and a father who was explosive and abusive. I was also sexually abused a few times by my older brother when I was about 5 years old. That same brother is bi polar and explosive and abusive.
I lived through it by the grace of God, amazing friends who were very healthy and supportive. I have been to thereapy most of my adult life and feel extremely blessed to have come through those challenges and many more as I raised a borderline son (1 of 7 children) and am now raising a son with ASD. I have a wondeful supportive husband... .but he has a few borerline and narcissitic behaviors as well. With a lot of love and atience and therapy we are doing pretty welll.
After surviving all of the chaos of my parents, sibling and then 20 years of parenting a very difficult child (who by the way was willing to go to therapy after a psychotic break, is an amazing person! self aware, caring and functioning in life. And recently got married to a wonderful loving girl and they are doing well... .May it continue!)
I am finally clear enough to see that i got 'trapped' in a very toxic friendship. I wasnt interested in the friendship, but she pursued me and I finally gave in thinking that I was doing an act of kindness and would be her friend. I am a natural caretaker and fixer. I love to help people and I am very good at it. I am extremely patient and flexible by nature. I was happy that she was gaining so much from our friendship and was able to juggle her craziness without it effecting me too much. My family and friends were not so happy and have been worried for the last 15 years. She has some wonderful qualities but I wasn't looking for more friends. My life was full with my family and aging parents and lots of wonderful healthy friends. But like I said, I was willing to be kind.
I recognized that she was absorbing me and monopolizing me to the detriment of my other relationships, but I thought I had a handle on it. I also recognized that her constant criticism of me and crazy making was taking a toll but I also felt I could handle it.
It wasn't until our last altercation that a light bulb went off and I realized with absolute clarity that this is not working.
there is an important part of our friendship that I also became clear about that wasn't working. She smokes pot daily (Supposedly for PTSD. She gets medical marijuana from a dealer but she doesn't have prescripton) I smoked a little pot in college and enjoyed it but when I finished college and got married it was no longer a part of my life or culture. Until I became friends with N. the first few years I declined because I didn't like that it reduced my functioning. But slowly I started smoking with her. After a while the sometimes turned into EVERYDAY! Which it has been for the last 8 years or so.
When my teenage kids started smoking and not functioning in school I knew this was a 'mirror' for me and I had to quit. No matter how many times I made a decision to quit the minute I walked into her house I would give myself a pass. After months of trying and failing to quit, I realized I had to change my environment which meant not going to her house anymore.
So... .the lightbulb moment of recognizing how toxic our friendship was and how much it was effecting my sense of self and other realtionships. (I stopped working a few years ago and started avoiding friends... .which I thought was battle fatigue from my family situation of 7 kids 4 of which have some sort of prominent disability, and a posessive husband who was smothering me... .and a high maintenance narcisitic mother I was caring for on and off... .) And realizing I had to quit smoking and as long as it wasnt around me I didn't need it or look for it, I confronted her about my need to take a step back and do some self reflection. to herr credit she really tried to give me space and be understanding. But after 2 days I felt bad that she was suffering while waiting for me to explain what my needs were. I told herr I cant come to her house because of the pot and that I couldn't be her sole support anymore but I still wanted to be friends. She can't make it through a day without me coming over and distracting herr from the demons in her head.
There's a lot more to it than that but the rest is typical borderline stuff that I don't have to go into.
The other thing that is causing me to be cautious in how I end the friendship is that she and her husband are over 70 (I am 52) and have no pension and no income. They are selling their home and hoping it will help them live out their lives by investing and renting. So her financial stability is having a very serious effect on her. They thought they had a buyer and he just backed out!
SO... .
I am so sorry for the long winded introduction but I really need help!
I can't do a clean cut. It will destroy her. And yes, I know all non BPD feels that way.
But I can't have a dishonest relationship with her either.
There are a few more details that would be helpful to tell but this introduction is too long already!
Thank you for taking the time to l
listen'
I know any feedback will be helpful!
All the best,
Worn out & Trying to do the right thing!
