Berated By Ex, The First Time In Years

[Turkish]

Just when I thought it was safe to go into the water  

By a miracle, she got into subsidized housing when she moved out 5.5 years ago.  It was a very nice 3 bedroom apartment though in an industrial area near downtown.  1.5 years later she lost it a few months after her husband moved in since their combined income put them just below the qualification threshold.  

They had to get a 1 bedroom,  all 4 of them, at a market rate which was higher than the subsidized 3 bedroom.  Then she decided to separate due to his lack of income (providing) and DV, both of them but mostly her.  She got a smaller 1 bedroom in the same complex.  We live in the second most expensive real estate market in the USA.

The beginning of last year one of her original applications from 2013 came up.  She got into a nice 3 bedroom condo for the price of renting a low end studio at market rates.  Good for them.  

A month ago,  she told me that the management might be sending me a form to sign stating my child support. The CS stipulation says $300 (which is below guideline) another  $200 to put into the kids' 529 college plans which the courts don't consider support. My other obligation is their health and dental insurance which counts towards my total obligation. I had filled out a form stating this when she got her original apartment. No problem. I filled out the form last month stating the same thing.  Just the $300, not the other money.  Done. Good.  No.

I got an angry call from her today. She asked me why I stated that I gave her $300/month when I never gave her $300/month because I deduct shared expenses, since February, one of the kid's marital arts tuition. Starting in August,  she asked me to do her a favor and deduct her MA tuition from the same dojo from my account.  It saved her a $150 registration fee and she got maybe a $40/mo family discount.  I told her that it meant I'd only be giving her a check for about $35/month and she said that was OK.  I shrugged my shoulders and said "ok." This request was 2 weeks ago,  after I had mailed the form back to her apartment management.  The reason she wanted me to put the kids on my account was because she didn't want the management to know that she could afford to pay $150/mo MA tuition. Seems silly because the audit her finances.  Which is the problem.  

"Why did you put that you give me $300/mo? You never give me $300/mo because of shared expenses! Besides, it would be $500/mo that you're supposed to give me but it goes to their college plans!" This has nothing to do with this,  but she needs to get a dig in that she is being cheated and feel better about herself that she's giving up "her" money and that she's really paying for their college,  not me.  Borderline Logic.

I couldn't get a word in edgewise. "Sure, legally that's the case but you should have said we share expenses."  (again, another nonsensical assertion while true,  has nothing to do with my obligation). "You should have called me when you got the form! It's only common sense!" I was getting pissed and about to throw my phone into traffic.

"It's just frustrating that now I have to do more work to explain things to them!" Validation target? Nothing she was saying was valid.  I thought "screw SET!" Make your own application.  I'm being a bad example.  

They also recently came back from vacation and I had given her $200 since she took a free extra days off more than me to watch the kids before they go back to school next week.  Yes. I gave her money to watch her own children. Another Turkish Financial Favor. She also still owes me $450 for one of the kid's summer camp not to mention $1000 - in shared co-pays for D8's ABA therapy last year,  which was her idea! Money I'll never see.  

So she said,  "you're taking the kids tomorrow,  right?"

"It's your weekend.  I appreciate the offer,  but vacations are legitimate to take the kids on the other parent's time."

"But you can take them?"

"If you have things to do,  sure. Are you taking them to MA tomorrow?"

"Of course I am and my class is after theirs!"

"Why do you say 'of course'? Sometimes you don't,  I'm just asking and I need to know when to pick them up."

"You can pick them up from the dojo!"

"I'll be in line all morning in order to get them into the after school program. I'll be there until about 1020 which is why I'm asking. "

"Come pick them up and return them Sunday morning!" And she hung up on me. To quote C3PO, "How rude!"

I felt all of the same emotions I remember. Anger, anxiety, depression. I left work early but was OK after I got home,  though I feel a little riled writing this.  

The after school program is free,  but it's first come,  first served.  They don't take applications until 10AM. Staff gets there at 6AM and they open the bathrooms,  thankfully.I showed up at 6AM last year and I was 161st in line,  but the kids got in (the line represents the 4 elementary schools in the district). I'm getting there at 530AM tomorrow with a chair, charged tablet and maybe I'll pull my PSP out of the closet which I haven't played in 6 years. I'm middle aged now.  It isn't so comfortable like when I was in line for 4 hours to get Pink Floyd tickets when I was in my early 20s.  

The program saves us at least $1000/mo in after school childcare. I'll be in line by myself for the second year in a row.  I found out about the program. It also took me 40 minutes to fill out the darn forms. You're welcome, mother of "our" children. 

I give too much. I hate her right now.  It feels just like in the r/s. Nothing (a lot) counts, because one trigger obviates everything else.  Helping her through her DV. Being generous and graceful financially.  Inviting her to do things on my time (she does do this on her time sometimes).

I know that this will blow over... .but I need to firm up my boundaries. Seems like game playing,  but I need to do it.    

[livednlearned]

It seems like your ex is more in the "generally cooperative" category of difficult, not to mention you have skills to work with her and abide her for the most part. I can see how that could lead to boundary creep, where things get squishier in increments.

Which can lead to resentments.

Are there changes you plan to make in the foreseeable future?

[Turkish]

I'm going to dial back the joint activities no matter what the kids want.  They even asked if mommy could come overto do a sleep over last month.  Uh, no.

[takingandsending]

"Why did you put that you give me $300/mo? You never give me $300/mo because of shared expenses! Besides, it would be $500/mo that you're supposed to give me but it goes to their college plans!" This has nothing to do with this,  but she needs to get a dig in that she is being cheated and feel better about herself that she's giving up "her" money and that she's really paying for their college,  not me.  Borderline Logic.

Holy mathematically challenged, Batman (er, Turkish)!

I am so sorry. I have been/am in your shoes, and it is no fun at all. It's the old, "No good deed goes unpunished" part of BPD that no one can ever really understand unless they have lived with it.

"Sure, legally that's the case but you should have said we share expenses."   "You should have called me when you got the form! It's only common sense!"

I love the, "legally, that's the case ... ." only topped by the "It's only common sense". I have heard these very words from my xw ... .more than once. And basically, it all translates to: Tell [fill in the blank] the lie that I need to maintain my facts=feelings reality. I have endured this b.s. so many times, as my wife justified cheating people, omitting important facts when selling stuff, basically getting what she wanted because ... .well, it had to be okay because she wanted it.

The beautiful conclusion is that I am betting that your xw has convinced herself that you are the entitled one. Just remember, it's not personal. You are dealing with a child ... .a bad mannered, destructive, willful child. I have lately wondered if there is a magic number I could just pay off my xw to be out of my life and the kids' lives for good. I get the sickening feeling that there actually is a number that she would agree to, to drop her rights as a parent, but I take comfort in knowing that she would then likely never live up to her end of the agreement after the pay off.

[Turkish]

Yesterday when she dropped off the kids she asked me about the custody stipulation. I told her that I had emailed her a digital copy a few years ago.  She asked about the $200 towards the kids' college funds and what the stip said. I told her that it was written into the stipulation,  "below guideline support with Father to put $200 into the kids' college funds."

"It's in the order?"

"Yes, what we agreed to at the time and filed with the court was written into the custody order."

She seemed relieved.  I felt like asking, "did you even read it?" Because at the time it seemed to me that she barely skimmed it. 

She wasn't in a bad mood.  She may have felt a little badly because she didn't show up for their after school program orientation like she was supposed to.  "It was at 4PM, not 5PM as I showed you yesterday. "Oh, I guess I dropped it... ." not that it was a huge deal because I was there anyway,  but it still pissed me off. Things like this aren't that difficult. 

[takingandsending]

Hey Turkish.

Sorry. My post was more vent than I intended it to be and not too helpful. It sounds like your xw has moments of mental sobriety and gets what you are doing for kids and her. Probably, staying low key but just putting together more boundaries that make sense for you, help you in your life are appropriate. I find I am doing the same for myself right now, but my xw does not have many moments of mental sobriety where she recognizes anything that I do for her or the kids.

I doubt very much that my xw would accept lowering her monthly support to go towards kids' college funds (or anything for them for that matter), though I really wish she would agree to something like that.

[Turkish]

It was weird at the time.  I told her that if I had to pay $500/month,  I'd stop the 529 contributions  (I hadn't actually started D's, but I later funded it according to "$100/mo since birth." I could likely have afforded it but I had no idea how it would work out so I was being conservative.  This year I increased it to $150/mo each kid. S8 already has enough to fund tuition,  books and fees to the local state college for two years. 

Mathematically, if I froze contributions and she started ESAs or 529s, it wouldn't make a difference.  I said,  "you can take the extra $200 and start your own funds for them."

She didn't want to do this for some reason.  Maybe she didn't trust her spending proclivities?

She sent me an email at the time,  "I'm agreeing to this because I don't want you to throw in my face that you are 'taking care of me. '" I forwarded it to my lawyer and he responded that it was a remarkable demonstration of both humbleness and hubris.

That she recently told me that she was funding their college rather than me because she was giving up the support is another story. Hubris. If she'd had kids with her current H, she wouldn't get a dime in support or she'd be paying him. 

[Tobiasfunke]

You’re a good guy Turkish. Very similar situation. They lash out because they are frustrated. Know you are doing right by your kids and your ex. I’m3 years out and stay very LC to avoid these blow outs. My ex probably feels like I’m giving the silent treatment but it’s just how it has to be. I’m sorry you’re going through this stuff.