Twice bitten: so many false accusations I'm losing touch with reality

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello. First time poster... .or sufferer!

A week ago I had no idea this site existed. I am not entirely sure how I found you all, but I am glad I did. I thought I was going insane.

Prior to meeting my partner, I had been in a very abusive relationship for a decade and a half and was still recovering from that ordeal. I had been sitting on my doorstep for a couple of years when a beautiful woman walked up my path... . I guess it really was love at first sight. That was ten years ago. We became friends and then after a few years started sleeping with each other on and off. We would spend just about all of our time together for weeks on end, then for no apparent reason I would get an abusive drunken text message about what a worthless piece of ____ I was. I never understood what I was doing wrong. I mean, I am not perfect, but the accusations would just appear out of the blue. We would then spend weeks or sometimes months apart.

My mother died four years ago and I had not seen my friend for a few months. I sent her a message and she rang me. Told me she missed me and wanted me to visit. She had moved to her sister and I drove 200km to see her. After a couple of visits I plucked up the courage to tell her I loved her. She had previously maintained the line that she didn't do relationships, and as I needed a friend, I didn't push it.

Well we ended up moving in together and at first it was really nice. I was so happy to have this special person in my life. Then after about two or three months she told me I was still in a relationship with my ex! This was simply not true. No matter what I said to convince her otherwise, she would never believe me. This, among other things, has been going on for four years. If I am late home, even by a few minutes, I am accused of having sex with my ex, who incidently lives on an island at least three hours away. Other accusations include me having sex with two prostitutes, being homosexual, a paedophile and numerous other hurtful claims. I am actually quite sexually shy. I was a late bloomer I guess. In my prior relationship and the pause after, I went years without sex. I remember being alone on my birthday thinking it had been five or six years; I just wasn't sure. In recent times have been battling to defend myself against what now seems to be daily attacks. And it is getting worse. Any expensive gifts I have bought her have been smashed up. I have been physically assaulted on numerous occasions. Last week I was punched and kicked in the chest. Tonight she has bitten me until I bled. I had to tell her to leave or I would call the police. Last night we had sex twice... .work that one out!

I am at my wits end. I am a very patient person who will tollerate a lot of crap before I give up. I am 99% sure that BPD is what I am seeing here. I cannot tell you how much relief I feel having discovered this site! Obviously I cannot diagnose this myself. I just feel, knowing my partners childhood history, how she often says I abandon her, the self harm (which seems to be ever increasing), the regular drinking, and the exploding at me over something I cannot comprehend... .it must be something like this, surely. I am reading the 'Eggshells' book and it is just reinforcing my suspicions. I just need to figure out what to do. I have been reading these stories you all post and they sound so familiar. I have felt like I was going crazy; that there must be something wrong with me. The accusations have been so relentless that I was losing all concept of reality. I have been trapped in a make belief nightmare for a long time. It will be a long hard road ahead, whichever route I choose... .

Thank you for listening to my story... .

[2020]

Hello. First time poster... .or sufferer!

A week ago I had no idea this site existed. I am not entirely sure how I found you all, but I am glad I did. I thought I was going insane.

Prior to meeting my partner, I had been in a very abusive relationship for a decade and a half and was still recovering from that ordeal. I had been sitting on my doorstep for a couple of years when a beautiful woman walked up my path... . I guess it really was love at first sight. That was ten years ago. We became friends and then after a few years started sleeping with each other on and off. We would spend just about all of our time together for weeks on end, then for no apparent reason I would get an abusive drunken text message about what a worthless piece of ____ I was. I never understood what I was doing wrong. I mean, I am not perfect, but the accusations would just appear out of the blue. We would then spend weeks or sometimes months apart.

My mother died four years ago and I had not seen my friend for a few months. I sent her a message and she rang me. Told me she missed me and wanted me to visit. She had moved to her sister and I drove 200km to see her. After a couple of visits I plucked up the courage to tell her I loved her. She had previously maintained the line that she didn't do relationships, and as I needed a friend, I didn't push it.

Well we ended up moving in together and at first it was really nice. I was so happy to have this special person in my life. Then after about two or three months she told me I was still in a relationship with my ex! This was simply not true. No matter what I said to convince her otherwise, she would never believe me. This, among other things, has been going on for four years. If I am late home, even by a few minutes, I am accused of having sex with my ex, who incidently lives on an island at least three hours away. Other accusations include me having sex with two prostitutes, being homosexual, a paedophile and numerous other hurtful claims. I am actually quite sexually shy. I was a late bloomer I guess. In my prior relationship and the pause after, I went years without sex. I remember being alone on my birthday thinking it had been five or six years; I just wasn't sure. In recent times have been battling to defend myself against what now seems to be daily attacks. And it is getting worse. Any expensive gifts I have bought her have been smashed up. I have been physically assaulted on numerous occasions. Last week I was punched and kicked in the chest. Tonight she has bitten me until I bled. I had to tell her to leave or I would call the police. Last night we had sex twice... .work that one out!

I am at my wits end. I am a very patient person who will tollerate a lot of crap before I give up. I am 99% sure that BPD is what I am seeing here. I cannot tell you how much relief I feel having discovered this site! Obviously I cannot diagnose this myself. I just feel, knowing my partners childhood history, how she often says I abandon her, the self harm (which seems to be ever increasing), the regular drinking, and the exploding at me over something I cannot comprehend... .it must be something like this, surely. I am reading the 'Eggshells' book and it is just reinforcing my suspicions. I just need to figure out what to do. I have been reading these stories you all post and they sound so familiar. I have felt like I was going crazy; that there must be something wrong with me. The accusations have been so relentless that I was losing all concept of reality. I have been trapped in a make belief nightmare for a long time. It will be a long hard road ahead, whichever route I choose... .

Thank you for listening to my story... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

I'm so glad you found us.  You obviously have a distressing situation and can use some support from people that "get it".

I get it.  My wife believed I was married to another woman... .had out of wedlock love children... .unfortunately I could go on... and on.

Once I found this site and got some good therapy for myself to understand my part and what I could do to make this better... .things got a lot better.

That being said...

 

Getting bitten and the physical stuff is a big deal.  Good on you for threatening to call the police.  Please keep yourself safe. 

My initial goal is to help you "disengage" prior to anything else physical.  Nothing good will come of that.

OK... .

Give me some he said she said that lead up to a recent physical thing.

If that involved crazy accusations... great.  If not... .give me some he said she said for that as well.

I need to get a vibe of what is going on.

Big picture... .your constant denials and "proof" that you aren't a pimp, monger, playboy... .etc etc... are "feeding the monster".  She is "getting something" she wants/needs in a dysfunctional way.

1st... .we need to keep you safe and get you  disengaged.

2nd... .we will teach you better responses to crazy accusations.

Oh... please tell me YOU are taking care of birth control... .always!  Dude... .think about this.

Stay safe... best to you.

I'll check in later tonight. 
FF

[2020]

Thank you for the warm welcome. I appreciate your reply. It is a little daunting to know where to start. Your comment regarding your wife's claim that you were married to another woman and had children sounds close to home for me.

There is a long and short to this sorry tale. I am being overloaded with data right now. As I remember the past ten years, a massive jigsaw puzzle is falling into place.
I'll wind the clock back a little... .

We have reached a new low the past two months. Recently we traveled to England and we drove through Europe camping. It was generally speaking, without incident. We stayed with my relatives some of the time and even the fear of meeting all of these people did not trigger any flare up. Now I look back on it I am thinking it may have been because we were together in a car or a small tent almost all of the time; just the two of us. There were no dramas back home to set things off. I have a son who is autistic and he is quite a handful at the best of times. They really don't get along, at all.

As my two kids at home are essentially adults who do very little to contribute to anything and will never move out as it is too easy at home, WE decided to move out. So we rented this warehouse up the road, something she found. On the day of signing the lease I noted that it stipulated that you were not to sleep there which was a real concern to me. She wouldn't listen and signed it regardless. So now we have a six month commercial lease and if we sleep there it has to be very covert. I think we really needed to rent a house, but right now today, I am not sure I can live with her at all. Thankfully I have at least 100 meters between her and I today.  So with all these housing complications we have been sleeping in this house most of the time and spending the days up the road in the warehouse.

So the he said- she said part... .  Yesterday I woke up early. She was in bed next to me asleep. Despite all the accusations that I must be getting sex elsewhere, there had been intimacy the two days prior. Not sure how relevant that is? I walked into the kitchen and it was a mess. My son had been up all night cooking and left food everywhere. I put on a coffee and began washing up. I swept the floor and took the bin outside. I glanced up the road and saw her walking in the distance to the warehouse. She never said a thing when she left. I didn't even know she was awake.

She often runs away. Something will happen; something maybe I said or did, and it will set of a full blown war. She goes and hides and drinks when this happens. I then spend hours looking for her and rarely do I find her. It is an ongoing cycle and very stressful. It is not good for a woman in her 40's to be sleeping in a park. So I thought that obviously she is upset again about something and decided I would deal with it later. A couple of hours later I walked up the the warehouse and knocked on the roller door. She wouldn't answer, so I called out to her and she told me to _____ off! I walked home. I just wasn't going to play the chasing game... .again.

A few hours later she returns to the house, pokes her head in the bedroom window and says she wants to talk to me. So I agree and then she tells me I have no respect for her because I am sitting at the computer. So I walk up to the window and she grabs my fingers and bends them backwards, digs her nails in until they draw blood. Then she swears at me and walks off. I plead with her to come inside and lay down with me and tell me what is going on. She returns immediately and gives me the finger!

Ten minutes later she is back. She is yelling at me that I had left her alone in bed and gone off somewhere. She suggests I was with the woman at the Apple Store where I had my computer serviced recently! I protest that I was in the kitchen cleaning up. She then accuses me of meeting up with the mother of my children who I have not seen or spoken to for years. She leans in the window and picks things off the table and throws them at the wall. I tell her to stop but she won't. I am desperately trying to remember all of this JADE stuff but at this point she is in the window like Jason in Friday the 13th Part 2. I am wrestling on the bed with someone who appears to be hell bent on killing me. She bites my hand and it bleeds. I am telling her to calm down but she is in a rage. She bites my arm and I then tell her if she won't leave I'll be calling the police. By this point she is yelling all sorts of crazy allegations and my kids are yelling from their rooms. It is quite embarrassing really. I am thinking that maybe two days of extreme closeness followed by waking up alone, was enough to trigger this. Not sure what the nieghbours are thinking... .

A bit of background... .She grew up in a very large family; 15 children. When she was born her mother couldn't cope and she was taken to a nearby farm and looked after by the couple who lived there. She tells me when I am late that she feels like she is waiting on the gate for her mother to come and take her home. Because that is what happened. Her mother did come eventually to take her home but it took two years before this happened. I am often told I abandon her. The reality is, I run myself ragged after her.

I have my own set of problems. I grew up with a father who beat me, smashed all of my things up and told me how useless I was. A couple of times I pleaded for my life and really though I was going to die. I tried so hard to make him love me but he kept raising the bar higher. As an adult I found a woman just like him and bred kids with her (where is that smiley bashing its head into a wall?). I am sure you can see some kind of weird dynamic going on here... .

Having said all of this, for some reason, and I am not sure why as I type today, I love her. She can be so very kind. She cares about the World. She is child-like in many ways. Plays with bugs in the fields. Loves nature. She is very intelligent and always interested in my long winded stories or creative ideas. She is well dressed and stylish and I find her very attractive (no point telling her this though). We get on very well at times. There is clearly some match between us. I just wish the crazy   would stop!

I am not sure what to do today. I am not quite up to venturing up the road and knocking on the door just yet. I am enjoying the silence here today. I bet she is up there going mad with anxiety wondering where I am. I don't like to see her suffer, but I'm not sure that I can do another round in the ring. I made an appointment to see my therapist on Wednesday. He mentioned some time ago that maybe I should read up of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. I never did. I'll be discussing this with him and seeing what he thinks about it. In the interim I'll be reading here and tattooing the word JADE on the inside of my eyelids!

[Turkish]

2020,

It's good to read up on the tools.  Most are collated in Lesson 3 to the right of the board--->

My primary concern,  however,  is that you are a victim of ongoing domestic violence.  Have you shared this with your therapist?

BPD (or whatever) isn't an excuse for violence.  I encourage you to look at this discussion:

3.04 | Domestic violence [for men]

This test doesn't take too long and it can help baseline what's going on:

Threat Assessment: The MOSAIC threat assessment is sophisticated third party test that can use to evaluate the danger in relationship. The link is
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304172

The drinking certainly adds another layer of complication given an emotionally reactive passion. 

What are your thoughts on making yourself safer?

I'd also photodocument your wounds and make sure the evidence is safe. 

[2020]

Thanks Turkish. I did photograph the wounds. I will read through the links you posted today. I have been keeping to myself today. I just had a knock on the window and she wanted to know why I am avoiding her. I told her that if she bites me or assaults me, I will remove myself from her. She said, "What, permanently"? I told her that I needed to be alone today. She then claimed I was holding her and she couldn't move, that is why she bit me. I told her I can't do this today. She said she had nowhere to go but I told her I won't let her in and need to be alone. Maybe this isn't the best approach. I don't want to be bitten again. She walked off. I'm not sure what I should have done.

[Turkish]

I think that you can benefit from trying the tools in Lesson 3. That being said,  you need a safety plan. 

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

It can be hard to switch your thinking from doing for her to doing for you.  I'm a Rescuer. I get it.  You need to be safe,  however. 

[formflier]

Knocking on what window?

Have you locked her out of your house (apartment... whatever)?  I'm trying to get a picture.

I know we are overloading you and that you feel "flooded" with information  Please understand that is normal... .

Read these threads several times.  Make notes (perhaps in google docs so it is password protected) of stuff you don't understand and want to return to.

Big picture:  Don't debate facts with her... .(like holding her and she "had to" bite you)

"Babe... I need to take care of myself today.  I'll reach out tomorrow."

Seriously... leave it at that.  Follow through tomorrow with a "reach out".  (we'll help you later on that)

FF

[formflier]

2020

Good job keeping yourself safe and separate while things calmed down!     

Over time we can coach you on how to "tweak things" to speak a bit differently and all that.  That will take time.

You have the big picture.  You need to take care of you... .and you let her take care of herself.

Solid work!  Keep it up!   

FF

[Radcliff]

Like Turkish said, it can be a major shift from taking care of our pwBPD to taking care of ourselves, but it becomes imperative when things escalate to domestic violence.  It is mind blowing when our partner can be sweet, loving, and childlike, then in a relatively short time period become violent.  We can have trouble wrapping our brains around that contrast.  No matter how good they are during the calm times, we need to teach ourselves that we deserve to be safe from violence all the time.  Being sweet at other times does not balance things out.

Let us know what your therapist says about the violence -- describe it to him or her in detail.  But be warned that many therapists don't adequately understand domestic violence and may or may not be the best ones to counsel you on a way out.  I would encourage you to find a local domestic violence agency and ask to speak to someone face-to-face.  We will of course continue to help you here, but telling your story to someone face-to-face and having them believe you is tremendously powerful, and an important step towards ending the violence.

One other important point is that intimate partner violence is allowed to continue in part because we are silent about it.  If it happens and we tell nobody, it lives on in secret.  Is there anyone you can tell about it that she also knows?

WW

[2020]

Hello Wentworth. My sister is aware what has been going on. She really likes my partner but is very concerned about the violence. I am due to see my therapist tomorrow. He also has a good understanding of my relationship difficulties.

Yesterday she came and knocked on the bedroom window and wanted to talk to me. She issued an apology and told me she doesn't ever want this violence to happen again. It is unusual for her to apologise for anything! She also said she needs to stop drinking. It is a difficult situation. I am trying to have a relationship with her and really would like it to work out 'happily ever after'. Obviously it will be a difficult process. I need to have a really good look at myself and my role in this. I think I have a lot to learn about my own behaviour. That is what I can change. And I will need to be patient. I can see that understanding this will take a lot of study.

I thank you for your kindness and concern. I will update as I get time and as events unfold.

[Radcliff]

When you are dealing with domestic violence and BPD, you are dealing with two overlapping, but distinct problems.  Sometimes what we'd do, or how we'd want to think about our behavior with a non-violent BPD partner is different from how we'd approach it with a violent BPD partner.

For example, here on Bettering, we're always analyzing our role in a situation that got out of hand, looking to see how we can avoid adding fuel to the fire.  It's always good to avoid adding fuel to the fire, regardless of violence or non-violence, but with a violent situation we need to be careful not to take on any of the responsibility for the violence ourselves (presuming that we ourselves are not violent).  There is no conceivable instance where her biting you would be acceptable, regardless of how badly you practice the coping tools here.

That's excellent that you are being open with your sister, and that she is supportive.

What did you say when she apologized?

It's great that she has acknowledged that her drinking is a problem.  You can't force the issue, but do you think she might be receptive to the idea of attending an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting?  Do you have any friends or family members in the program who could talk to her?

WW

[Paintball4Life]

Thanks Turkish. I did photograph the wounds. I will read through the links you posted today. I have been keeping to myself today. I just had a knock on the window and she wanted to know why I am avoiding her. I told her that if she bites me or assaults me, I will remove myself from her. She said, "What, permanently"? I told her that I needed to be alone today. She then claimed I was holding her and she couldn't move, that is why she bit me. I told her I can't do this today. She said she had nowhere to go but I told her I won't let her in and need to be alone. Maybe this isn't the best approach. I don't want to be bitten again. She walked off. I'm not sure what I should have done.

Keeping your self safe is number one. It prevents two things from happening. First, it protects you against the threat(not trying to be obvious) and second, it keeps her safe as well because as you know, when she starts acting this way, it starts your addrenaline pumping as well, it starts your FIGHT or flight reaction and it can be difficult to stop that. I have been in this EXACT situation many times. They start punching, kicking or trying to bite fingers off because, in a BPD case, their self love and image is so terrible and low, that you are the trigger to all the antagonizing pain they feel inside. It becomes a "I love you so much, i wish you would die" kind of relationship. its ok to leave and take time. I did that very thing today. She had a HUGE meltdown lastnight and this morning i left for 3 hours before work. Went to a fruit stand, got some delicious peaches, ate some turkey and cheese and just enjoyed the mountains. 

I do know how you feel though. I have the savior complex and even with her pointing a knife at me and herself, i ended up staying because i want to save her from herself, her mother and again, herself. But i am realizing that that is also a codependency and it is not helping her heal. I cant give her what she needs, only she can do that for herself, and she may not be able to with me in the picture.

I am not saying your partner has BPD. thats not my place. Im just giving some personal experience that may help you:

When it comes to privacy. Do all that you can to keep it but also to not look "suspicious" my wife accuses me at least 2 to 3 times a week of sleeping with random people. She has purposely gone through my phone contacts, texts, emails, my pictures, pinterest account, facebook, AND my google drive, where she found a journal entry 6 years old expressing my anger on paper about her. That was a crappy week, i tell you what!

Even three days ago, i caught her going through my phone again. So, this is what i have done. I made a completely new gmail for anything emotional related. So this means any new forums i join, i use that email, or if i want to journal write, i use that google drive account. IF i use it on the home pc or my laptop, i ALWAYS use the phone text verification, and i uncheck the box that says remember this device. Once i log out, there is a button that says change accounts or remove account. I remove the account i logged in with( dont worry, it doesnt delete it, it just removes the saved login entry) and then i clear all history. I have my fiorefox setup to delete history when it closes. I use www.protectedtext.com as a place to write things down. its free, requires no account. just MAKE SURE TO REMEMBER YOUR PASSWORD haha. I like it because anytime i close the window, and i reopen it, it asks for your page name and password all over again. So make sure you always close it out. dont minimize, but rather close it out. i use it on my phone all the time.

With my normal email, i know i have nothing on there to worry about, so if she wakes up one night and starts browsing, i know im safe. Its not ok for her to breach my privacy like that, but sometimes it happens because im asleep and i LOVE my sleep.

Be careful if she starts asking questions like "what was your mothers maiden name again? i forgot" or "my favorite color is green, whats yours?" this is how they get answers to your security questions

I wish you a great day today and try to stay present my friend. There are always things we can all do better. But we cant beat ourselves up all the time thinking about what ifs. I know there are many a things i can do better, but i know i am doing the best i can in this situation. The most important thing is that you are safe and that she is safe.

[2020]

Hello Paintaball! I both laughed and cried at what you wrote. It all rings true with me. The accusations of sleeping with other people, needing to take time off from it all and look at the mountains, having to hide emails etc. This is a very strange condition isn't it? And I thought it was just me who was in the thick of it! It is trench warfare a lot of the time!

I have had my emails read too! I have been outside hanging washing out, come back inside to find her gone and my computer with an email from my childrens mother from several years ago on the screen. I hadn't even replied to the email. On another occasion I drove my youngest son to the next state so he could stay with his mother for a week. When I returned she was drunk, her iPad I bought her for her birthday was bent in half, and she attacked me. I was held up on a bridge in a huge traffic jam. I took 5 hours to do the journey instead of 4... .she says 6 and a half!

I saw my therapist yesterday. I ran this new revalation I have had regarding the BPD. His agreed that it is highly likely. I have been seeing him for years so he has a fair amount of data to draw from. The next step is changing how I interact with her. How I deal with the daily interactions. I have been reading the 'Eggshells' book as I find time alone.

Last night after she seemed in a downward spiral and was poking and prodding at me, I suggested we go out to dinner. I thought that might change the atmosphere. It didn't. We were in an Indian restuarant together with one other couple having a romantic dinner, and she sat there talking rather loudly about how she feels unloved by me, how I am an a-hole, and it is no wonder we don't have a sex life. It was embarrassing to say the least. I repeatedly had to tell her I would not be discussing this in public right now. She said it was because I was avoiding a 'difficult conversation'. I refused to lock horns with her and reminded her there were other people around us who were trying to have a pleasant evening and that needs to be respected among other things. I said I would talk when we exited the door and were in the car. No, it wasn't a nice conversation on the way home.

Today I woke up; she was asleep. I went into the kitchen, wiped off the stove top and put a coffee on to brew. When I returned to the bedroom, she was gone. I guess she is up the road at this warehouse. I will be clearing the history off this computer when I finish! The things we have to do... .

I appreciate all which is writen here on this site and the time people have spent writing about their experiences. It makes me feel like I am not alone. I have to get my son to school now, then get on with my day, whatever that will be. You all try have a pleasant day too!

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry to hear about the dinner.  That sounds painful.

You are on to something with regards to changing how you interact with her.  What's your first target for change?

WW

[2020]

Wentworth, I am still trying to figure out how to interact with her. Today has been a mini hell in and of itself. I did go to the doctor and discuss this and also showed him the bite marks. I am being referred to my psychologist for more sessions in order to look at how best I proceed. I also have an autistic son who is very demanding and controlling. Kind of got several spot fires to stomp on each day.

Earlier today I was in the bath and my son said she had just knocked on the door. I had to dash to the doctor and looked for her along the way. As soon as I got out of my appointment I went to the warehouse looking for her. She was furious! She had written huge insults all over a piece of tracing paper stuck to my table. When I asked how she was feeling she just got more angry and tearful and told me to leave. I mentioned that if she decides she would like to discuss things with me, I am willing to talk. I went back to the house. I have just returned to see her again and she has told me she wants nothing more to do with me. She shut the door in my face so I left. I need to figure out if this is the right thing to do. One side of me is so sick and tired of this that I couldn't be bothered focusing on this poor behaviour. The other side thinks she probably does want me to stay. Does she need to realise that when she tells me to go, I will go? Or in going, am I making things worse? It could just confirm these delusions she has about me; that I don't care.

I am going to read up on a few things here this evening. It may be more productive than getting drawn into a fight with her.

Oh, and sorry for the misspelling of Paintball, Paintball!

And what did I say when she apologised the other day? Probably what I shouldn't have said! I said, "that's ok, I understand".

[Paintball4Life]

Im glad i could make you laugh and cry. Im not sure about you but crying is awesome. i love it hahahaha. I know when we are teenagers, we are like "Oh hell no!" when it came to crying, ut now that we are older, i see the benifits of it haha. Im glad i am not alone either. I discovered this place after listening to the audible book "stop walking on eggshells" i have been reading "understand the borderline mother" and that book is what really got me to seek help. It triggered me into action because i brought up a crap ton of feelings i had been burrying about my marriage.

-----------

" One side of me is so sick and tired of this that I couldn't be bothered focusing on this poor behaviour. The other side thinks she probably does want me to stay. Does she need to realise that when she tells me to go, I will go? Or in going, am I making things worse? "

This is the I hate you please dont leave me part of a BPD person, if she has that. She does want you to stay BUT its most likely in the form of co-dependancy and the part of you that doesnt want to leave, the rescuer complex, is our co-dependant portion as well. We are so busy trying to save them or others, we forget to save ourselves or we choose to save others and not ourselves because we feel we dont deserve it. It gets complex, at least for me haha.

For my self, when my wife tells me to leave, two MAJOR things happen: first, i start to find my keys, my backpack, my phone and wallet. Second. As soon as i get to the door, i hesitate and my "fix it" mode starts. FOR ME, my therapist told me that the "fix it" mode is a danger zone and my wife wants me to play that so she can continue in the victim mode. So i have to actually leave for a couple of hours.
Fix it mode for me is when i go in the room and take the blame, agree with everything she says, promise her that i will follow her very unrealistic expectations of me and etc etc.
 

Are you going to make things worse? maybe, but you cant worry about that(Way way easier said than done). If i were to leave my wife today, there is a chance she would try to take her life again and this time, i wouldnt be there to save her which could turn out a bad situation for her. But it would be her choice to do that. When a person refuses to get help, take care of themselves, and be accountable, it puts their partner in the therapist paitent role, parent child role or care giver role. This is not a relationship, its a job, that has terrible pay and benifits.( in no way shape or form is this making fun of ANYONE with BPD, bipolar or any disorder. Strictly my point of view based upon MY situation. I know that there are  a TON of people with BPD that are indeed taking care of themselves. I applaud you for your courage, strength and example to all of us)

one last thing on leaving. This is not me telling you what to do but rather what i was told by my therapist for me. By me leaving, it will allow the oppertunity for my wife to learn how to take care of herself because she is co-dependant on me and unwilling to do it for herself. If i leave, she learns how to take care of herself. Here is the biggest part. She does not love herself at all, AND her co-dependant side says "If i stay with him, it will fulfill that love i dont have for myself and for my mothers love i never received" It is IMPOSSIBLE for me to love her for herself or to fulfill her needs that way. She has to learn to love herself first so that she can love others and also allow others to love her in a healthy way. I do LOVE her with all my heart but it will never replace or fulfill the love she needs to gain for herself. Since she doesnt love herself, she can not feel the love from others that they try and give to her. This is taylored to my situation.

Thank you for reading and i hope it helps. No worries on the spelling of me name haha

Good luck and keep us up-to-date if you wish

[Radcliff]

If they say one thing, but we really think they want something different, and we give them the something different, and happen to be right, then we're rewarding them for saying the opposite of what they really want.  That guarantees future misery for us.

If the ask is something reasonable, that doesn't violate our boundaries, then give it.  If she says "sleep at the house tonight," do it and enjoy the space.  If she says "go away" and it's ambiguous how long, you can either ask her, or perhaps even better just announce how long you'll be away for (could be 20 minutes, could be overnight).  Don't go away and leave it ambiguous how long you'll be gone for.  That creates distress for her, unease for you as you try to figure out when to go back, and it prevents you from enjoying the peace of the time away.

If she says, "Go away and never come back," then you are going to need to do something different than she asks.  Say, "I'll sleep at the house tonight and I'll see you after work tomorrow."

WW

[Bittlecat]

Hey 2020
What you are experiencing, is very similar to what is happening to me, except there has been no physical abuse, but verbal. Accused of going back to my ex,and leaving her,all of which is not true.
J will leave and not talk to me for hours, days and now almost two weeks. She will always come back and apologize for the verbal abuse, and we start again in a great relationship for a little while, and then the accusations start and here goes again.
- bittlecat

[2020]

Thank you all for taking the time to write. I appreciate reading your input and experiences.

Things seemed to settle for a week which has been great. After a heated discussion in the car where foolishly I blurted out "maybe you have a borderline disorder", she became extremely hostile. I shouldn't have said what I did but at the time she was firing her barbs at me and twisting my ear whilst driving telling me she wanted to smash my head in. I dropped her off at the warehouse and said I would return tomorrow.

The next day she was apologetic again and we set about working on this business plan we have. We had a week of relative calm. I was very cautious about not 'JADE'-ing which is the best thing I can do right now. We both have got a lot of work done this week and things are looking more positive.

Last night she could not find one of her dress making patterns. It was last on the desk in the bedroom. She is now convinced my son has used it as toilet paper. Of course this is a possibility in the realm of all things possible, but there may be another answer as to where it is. I tried to explain this to her but she wouldn't hear it. I personally think that in her drunken pack up and move of all her posessions to the warehouse, it ended up in a box or bag with a bunch of other random items. I offered to look for it with her and after two hours of going through most of the boxes, it still is missing. She has hundreds of patterns so it isn't an easy job. I am still not sure which pattern is missing.

Unfortunately I found myself in the JADE minefield and after trying to move the topic onto something else we went home and I fell asleep. She kept asking if I wanted her to leave and I said I didn't. However, she left sometime during the night and I just went up to the warehouse to test the waters. She made a coffee for us. No mention of the missing pattern. She said she had been busy sewing all night. I told her I needed to make a doctors appointment and would return later. She said "I wouldn't bother". I thanked her for the advice. I guess I'll spend the afternoon away and do some things I need to do and head back later.

It is a lot of work remembering everything I am reading. I am making mistakes. I just hope things might get better. I definitely have the rescuer complex. I need to be aware of this. I am grateful for the week of relative sanity I have just had and to you all for the guidance and sharing of your lives. I'll try and get back on track today. If you don't hear back, things are probably going OK and I haven't had time alone to update. Good luck to you all too!

[Radcliff]

Don't worry about making mistakes.  Remember, calm times are when to make progress in the relationship, and to work on learning the tools.

It's great that you're taking time away when she says she's not interested in company.

How do you think the warehouse is working out?  I haven't heard of another member describe a situation quite like that.  What are your views of the benefits and drawbacks?  (I don't have an agenda with these questions, just looking to understand how the situation is working for you).

RC

[Chitchat]

All sounds very similar.

I did find with my gaslighting pwBPD that I was losing touch with myself, despite learning about codependency and thinking I could maintain objectivity. Alone all the time in an empty new house we had been supposed to be sharing, prevented from going places where she might be, I called my name and listened for the echo. It sounded like my mother, calling me to my senses. That's when I started trying to change things.

Actually you can do an online BPD test on someone's behalf. Some of the criteria you may be unsure of. uBPD partners are often open to the suggestion of a diagnosis or therapy, I learned, but then the romantic relationship can become 'all about the disorder'.

[2020]

Hello all,

The warehouse was her idea. The truth is she doesn't like my kids and my youngest son doesn't get on with her. He is autistic and autism and BPD are not a recipe for success I think. My son is quite a handful. His behaviour has been terrible towards her at times. Because of his past record, he now gets blamed by her for everything which goes wrong. It is an unfortunate happening. The warehouse was supposed to be a home of sorts so she didn't have to be around my kids. Maybe it was a way of isolating me from my family; I do not know for sure. The day she went to sign the lease I noticed it was a commercial lease only and specifically stated that you couldn't sleep there. Although I pointed this out, she insisted it was OK. Then she had a melt down that she had made a huge mistake and I was not commited to the idea or to her.

I saw the warehouse as a last ditch effort to save my relationship; to give us time away from her feeling vulnerable around my kids, and a way that I could perhaps manage my son remotely from the warehouse, or at least get time out from him and get some of these artistic/creative projects of ours done. The past ten days have been productive. We are both working at the warehouse and sleeping here at the house. There have been incidences however. I need to learn how to best react to these issues as they occur.

Yesterday she took the car and went to visit her son who has just moved out of town. When she returned she was acting strange. She seemed rather depressed. A while later she was telling me how she hates his girlfriend and how she controls her son's life. There were all sorts of theories which I would not have thought possible. When we returned to the house later and went to sleep, she woke up and I could hear her putting her boots on. I asked her where she was going and she said she was heading to the warehouse to make a coffee and do some work. It must have been 4am. I asked her to come back to bed but she told me my kids woke her up stomping around the house. I went back to sleep. Two hours later she climbs in the bedroom window and gets into bed and cuddles up next to me. We slept until I had to drop my son off at school. My alarm hadn't gone off and he was knocking on the bedroom door. She left via the window and said "See you later I guess".

Last night she told me driving back from her son's she thought she could just smash into a tree. I asked her why she feels like that and she replied she has no desire to live. I hear this so often. I wonder how others here have altered their behaviour or become numb from their relationships with their partners? It can become very tiring and worrying. I am about to head over to the warehouse to do some more work. It is almost 1pm here so I am sure to get some sarcasm thrown my way. I'll see what happens.

Again, I appreciate the input and I am reading all of your stories on other pages here. Once I become better at this, I will be posting comments elsewhere and contributing to this forum. I am grateful to have found you! Hope your days go well... .

[2020]

Well... .it looks like it is one of THOSE days. I went to the warehouse and got drilled as to where I was for the past two and a half hours (It was only about an hour and a half since she lept out the window and left). I said I had dropped my son off, written a quick letter to my Aunty and went to the post office to post a letter to my Grandmother (something I told her yesterday I needed to do). I listened to what she had to say about me abandoning her, about how my kids are more important, and how she wants nothing more to do with me. She told me she has had enough and will be finally standing up for herself and regrets ever meeting me. I tried the SET thing but to no avail. I was told to leave and go back to my 'mansion'? I left after telling her that if she changed her mind, to let me know. She said she wouldn't be. Looks like I might be catching up on some housework today. I need to find out what this 'dysregulating' thing is all about. Maybe it is that?

[Radcliff]

When you left, did you tell her when you would see her again?

Can you describe your use of SET in a little more detail?  What were the S, E, and T parts?

WW

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This thread has be continued to:
Twice bitten: so many false accusations I'm losing touch with reality (part 2)