Single Dad with 15 Year old Daughter. Any other dads on here?

[Parents! Get help here!]

Fairly new here, was wondering if there are any other single dads posting? So far I've seen only moms/grandmoms.

I have full residential/legal custody of my daughter. Her mother was diagnosed with either Bipolar2 or BPD2 after her last suicide attempt (my observations tell me it's BPD2), and spent some time in residential, followed by a long stay in an alcoholic treatment facility.

Her mom pops in and out of my daughters life, depending on whether she's taking her meds and not drinking... the drinking seems to be more important to her than seeing her daughter.

My daughter was initially diagnosed with severe depression and severe anxiety, was cutting, and binging and purging. After her second suicide attempt, she was officially diagnosed as BPD.

If there are other dads, I was curious to your experiences, i.e. doctor visits... the gynecologist appointments can get rather interesting, and the reaction when you're doing parent-child group sessions as the only dad present.

[SkellyII]

Fairly new here, was wondering if there are any other single dads posting? So far I've seen only moms/grandmoms.

I have full residential/legal custody of my daughter. Her mother was diagnosed with either Bipolar2 or BPD2 after her last suicide attempt (my observations tell me it's BPD2), and spent some time in residential, followed by a long stay in an alcoholic treatment facility.

Her mom pops in and out of my daughters life, depending on whether she's taking her meds and not drinking... the drinking seems to be more important to her than seeing her daughter.

My daughter was initially diagnosed with severe depression and severe anxiety, was cutting, and binging and purging. After her second suicide attempt, she was officially diagnosed as BPD.

If there are other dads, I was curious to your experiences, i.e. doctor visits... the gynecologist appointments can get rather interesting, and the reaction when you're doing parent-child group sessions as the only dad present.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hi SkellyII.  Welcome!

I am not another Dad but I didn't want that to stop me from welcoming you.  While it does seem that, percentage wise, there are more Moms/Grandmoms posting, let me assure you that Dads are participating, too.  I'm sure they want to hear from you as much as you want to hear from them.  Our common denominator is that we all suffer hurts because of our loved ones and their struggles with mental illness.

Wow!  For you a wife... .and a daughter... .a double whammy!  Phewwww!  How devastating to have lived through suicide attempts by both of them.  So, so sorry!

What you will find here, SkellyII, is support.  No one can give you answers.  You have to find those yourself... .but as you work towards them, others will be here to help you. 

For me, just being able to put my fingers on the keyboard at any time of night/day and pour out my heart... .my frustrations... .has been validating... .has helped to release steam that was building up... .strength to carry on. 

Question... .have you, yourself ever had counselling on how to better deal with the issues you have to face?

Hope you keep posting, SkellyII.  Keep sharing.

Huat

[Feeling Better]

Hi SkellyII

I would like to join Huat in welcoming you here, I’m not a dad either but I just wanted to drop by and say “Hello”.

There are a few dads on the site, I’m not sure how many are single dads though. If you scroll back through the pages you will come across threads that have been started by dads.

Jones54 has been here a while and he has shared his journey with us.

Look forward to hearing  more from you

[wendydarling]

Hi SkellyII 

I'm not a Dad either, I am a single parent like you and Turkish and many. Welcome to you. 

I understand you feel uncomfortable with Drs visits and I'm glad you are reaching out for support, and talking, getting to know us.

Your daughter's diagnosis sounds similar, severe depression, severe anxiety, self harm, eating disorder... .

We addressed severe depression, severe anxiety, psychosis first, then my DD stopped physical self harm... .

Small, gentle steps.

With other parents I look forward to supporting you.

WDx

[Turkish]

Hi SkellyII,



I'm not a full time single dad like you,  I share joint custody with their uBPD mom (who is clinically diagnosed with Anxiety and Depression). I did have to deal with DV in the other household (their mother towards her husband), and I can't help but think that D's therapist would have reported her if it were me,  a male. But it was what it was.  

My kids are S8, diagnosed with ASD1 (what they used to call Asperger's) and D6. I usually roam the PSI (Parent, Sibling,  In-law) board.  Now that you mention it,  I'm the only regular male poster there; two others are semi-regular.  My mother is dBPD, PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, self-diagnosed bulimic and now dementia.

My kids' mom has been doing better,  but I tend to be more involved.  She kind of profiled herself at the school with a few incidents.  Some people at my church thought I was a single dad.

I can imagine it might be odd to be the only father in the room sometimes, but it sounds like you've gotten great support, yes?

You said in another post that your 15 year old daughter exhibits DID. How has this caused problems?

I know that during doctor visits that they likely ask the patients if they are safe or being abused.  Is there a fear here that your daughter might say something like that?

I hope to hear more and how best we can support you SkellyII.

Take Care,

Turkish

[SkellyII]

Wow!  For you a wife... .and a daughter... .a double whammy!  Phewwww!  How devastating to have lived through suicide attempts by both of them.  So, so sorry!

Actually we broke up not too long after my daughter was born. Her behaviour had gotten out of hand back then, and it was too much to deal with. Over the years, a couple of my female friends had mentioned that they thought the ex was Bi-polar due to her erratic behaviour, of course they were pretty much correct.

It's actually been a triple-whammy, the ex has a daughter from her first marriage that is 10 years older than my daughter. She had a least one suicide attempt, and was also a cutter when she was my daughter's age. Seems like the genetics are hurting that side of the family.

The gynocologist has actually been quite nice, I've been more concerned about my daughter being reluctant about mentioning things when I'm there. She's being treated for rough periods, so I try to not be in the room as much when the discussions are going on, so that she can be honest with the gyno. A big annoyance is dealing with the staff, I get the "what are you doing here" treatment, and the "do you have a job" question when they see that she's on her mother's insurance. In the state where we live, the non-custodial parent is required to provide medical insurance.

We just finished the family DBT sessions (my daughter and I, her mother chose not to show up) and When I mentioned that my daughter hadn't seen her mom in over three months, several mothers in the groups response was "Why aren't you letting her see her mom?"

After I used my newly learned DBT skill of emotion regulation, I calmly explained that she had kept telling my daughter that she was going to pick her up, but never showed.

Are dads second class citizens, not worthy of taking care of our children?.

The DID caught me by surprise, she started exhibiting that behaviour during our "Summer of Hell", before her BPD diagnosis. I mentioned it to her mother and grandmother, and their reply was yeah, we've seen it. And why the hell didn't they tell me about it!

And that last paragraph sums up my overall frustration with how things have gone. As a non-custodial father, my ex had moved far enough away, it was only practical to see my daughter on weekends, holidays and vacations. Looking back, she always exhibited some odd behaviours, but in small doses, you don't have the opportunity to connect the dots.

It turns out, the ex and her family knew there were serious issues, both with the ex and with my daughter, but no one bothered to tell me. I didn't find out about anything until first my daughter, then the ex both had suicide attempts. Then of course, I was told about all of the things that had been going on over the years. Two years later, and there are still things popping up that I was never told about.

While most of my family has passed away, I am fortunate in that I not only have good friends, but friends with some experience in mental health issues, both professionally and with family experience.

I also have had some professional counseling, which I highly recommend.

[Turkish]

We just finished the family DBT sessions (my daughter and I, her mother chose not to show up) and When I mentioned that my daughter hadn't seen her mom in over three months, several mothers in the groups response was "Why aren't you letting her see her mom?"

After I used my newly learned DBT skill of emotion regulation, I calmly explained that she had kept telling my daughter that she was going to pick her up, but never showed.

I'm glad that you responded calmy though that would have pissed me off if I were in your shoes.  You won't get that kind of invalidation here,  at least nothing like that I've seen in my almost six years here. 

[wendydarling]

Are dads second class citizens, not worthy of taking care of our children?.

I'm sorry you've been invalidated through local law, systems, people, family history that's coming to the fore. You are certainly worthy of taking care of your children and you are. My friends support group is full of wonderful fathers like you, Turkish, jones, my father. You are diamonds, when my DD's father 30 years on is still all about him, he won't let us be.

The good news, through DBT my DD is passing back his responsbility to him.

Take your good, slow time. My DD also waited excited on the stair on a Sunday morning, or to be collected from school, one day in a month. He forgot. There is more.

SkellyII, I'm a single parent.

Welcome  

WDx

[Huat]

Hello again SkellyII

The other day my husband and I were at a restaurant.  At the next table was a young Dad.  Accompanying him was one child in a highchair, the other sitting on a chair with a booster and a diaper bag on the 4th chair.  At one point he picked up the diaper bag and the baby, told his little son to come with him because he had to change the baby's diaper.  That scenario brought a tear to my eye and then I looked at my husband of 56 years... .Hmmmm!... .thinking way back to my time as a young Mom.

Gotta tell ya, can't ever remember seeing that then.  We were stereotyped and we pretty well stayed-within-the-lines.  My husband would gag if faced with the need to change a dirty diaper while he was... ."babysitting."

Now, for one reason or another, times are changing and both partners may be working... .sharing the load.   Then too, there are cases similar to yours where a Dad is having to take over from a mother who can't be a Mom.  Whatever!  Times are changing... .and sometimes for the better.

I echo the comments Wendydarling has written to you.   I am so sorry you have been put into the position of correcting thoughtless comments from others.  I am glad that you have been able to stay calm when doing your correcting.    A lesson really to all of us... .not to generalize... .ever.

Yes, SkellyII, you ARE worthy of taking care of your daughter and I commend you for stepping out of the box, taking over as custodial/caring parent of your needy child.  I commend you, too, for the way you are delicately dealing with her "female issues"... .difficult times for any young girl.

As you say, you are fortunate to have the support you have... .good friends and some with experience, both professionally and in their own families.  Yep, you are lucky indeed.  Chalk that up as a plus beside the minuses.

This journey you are on with your daughter is turning out to be a rocky one but you sure are doing your homework to help make it less rocky.  Kudos to you being pro-active... .getting professional counselling... .and coming here! 

So... .with all that said, I think you have a lot to offer here.  For sure, there are other Dads out there who are facing similar circumstances.  I hope I am sounding sexist when I say men have a tendency to keep their feelings to themselves.  For the most part, that is what I have seen in my many (many!) years.  Time that, too, changed for you guys.

Hope you keep sharing, SkellyII.

Huat

[Huat]

OOoops!... .poor editing skills on my part!

When you get to the "I hope I am sounding sexist... ." ... .should have had "NOT" in there.  What a difference a word can make, huh?

Huat

[wendydarling]

This journey you are on with your daughter is turning out to be a rocky one but you sure are doing your homework to help make it less rocky.  Kudos to you being pro-active... .getting professional counselling... .and coming here! 

So... .with all that said, I think you have a lot to offer here.  For sure, there are other Dads out there who are facing similar circumstances.  …. Time that, too, changed for you guys.

Oh Huat, SkellyII, I truly wish more fathers feel safe here, reaching out to bpdfamily, for support, understanding and friendship.

WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SkellyII]

I'm sorry you've been invalidated through local law, systems, people, family history that's coming to the fore.

Hi Wendy,

Surprisingly, the one area where I expected the most trouble was with the courts. That went surprisingly well. Of course the ex managed to piss off both the mediator AND the judge. That probably made things a lot easier... . 

[HallelujahHall]

SkellyII,

    I have a 13y daughter, plus wife with BPD.  Add in the sister-in-law and mother-in-law and it makes for quite dynamic family interactions! 

    You are not alone!

[wendydarling]

Surprisingly, the one area where I expected the most trouble was with the courts. That went surprisingly well. Of course the ex managed to piss off both the mediator AND the judge. That probably made things a lot easier... . 

It sounds like it probably did make things a lot easier, how long have you had full legal custody SkellyII?

How did you and your DD find the content of DBT, did she relate, finds it beneficial?

Hi HaleujahHall, I see your thread and will join you 

WDx