Just ended the relationship

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This is my first post and really just hoping to get some general understanding of what I “think” I have been going through with the relationship that I just ended. I am in no way trying to “diagnose” or be judgemental but I have been feeling so confused about the roller coaster I have been on that I’m searching for answers to make some sort of sense of it all.

I met a man in April, and in less that a few weeks I was definitely feeling like something was off. I have been single for awhile and honestly didn’t trust my instincts.  

Almost immediately he wanted a committed relationship , told me he loved me and that he never had a woman “talk to him on a deeper level” , he was tired of dating and wanted to settle down with a good person.  

Almost just as fast I was being accused of cheating on him. This accusation would come if I didn’t answer my phone or text if I said I would. When I would acknowledge that I did not follow through and why, no reason was good enough. Very black or white.

This pattern has carried on, and gotten worse. He shows definate similarities to the “idealize/devalue “ pattern.  I have felt isolated from my friends and it seems that almost everything revolves around him and his issues.

He has self admitted to not having any real, core friends; nor have I met any.  He has admitted to being jealous of my friendships and bonds and it makes him feel insecure.

One of the most hurtful things he has done is his “pattern” of abandoning people himself when things don’t go his way. Deleting me from FB (something he pushed for - relationship status), blocking me in anyway he can. Getting rid of anything that reminds him of me so he can “get over me”. Then admits to obsessively “checking his phone” to see if I called or sent a text.  The pushing and pulling tug of war is a weekly occurance.

This whole cycle has me feeling emotionally drained, walking on eggshells, can’t be myself, depressed and I finally made an appt  with my counselor last week to try to make sense of things. She told me it sounded like BPD. I had never heard of it, but once I researched it sounded very similar to how I was feeling.

Any suggestions for me, now that I have ended it as of 2 days ago, would be greatly appreciated.

[L.Lo]

This is my first post and really just hoping to get some general understanding of what I “think” I have been going through with the relationship that I just ended. I am in no way trying to “diagnose” or be judgemental but I have been feeling so confused about the roller coaster I have been on that I’m searching for answers to make some sort of sense of it all.

I met a man in April, and in less that a few weeks I was definitely feeling like something was off. I have been single for awhile and honestly didn’t trust my instincts.  

Almost immediately he wanted a committed relationship , told me he loved me and that he never had a woman “talk to him on a deeper level” , he was tired of dating and wanted to settle down with a good person.  

Almost just as fast I was being accused of cheating on him. This accusation would come if I didn’t answer my phone or text if I said I would. When I would acknowledge that I did not follow through and why, no reason was good enough. Very black or white.

This pattern has carried on, and gotten worse. He shows definate similarities to the “idealize/devalue “ pattern.  I have felt isolated from my friends and it seems that almost everything revolves around him and his issues.

He has self admitted to not having any real, core friends; nor have I met any.  He has admitted to being jealous of my friendships and bonds and it makes him feel insecure.

One of the most hurtful things he has done is his “pattern” of abandoning people himself when things don’t go his way. Deleting me from FB (something he pushed for - relationship status), blocking me in anyway he can. Getting rid of anything that reminds him of me so he can “get over me”. Then admits to obsessively “checking his phone” to see if I called or sent a text.  The pushing and pulling tug of war is a weekly occurance.

This whole cycle has me feeling emotionally drained, walking on eggshells, can’t be myself, depressed and I finally made an appt  with my counselor last week to try to make sense of things. She told me it sounded like BPD. I had never heard of it, but once I researched it sounded very similar to how I was feeling.

Any suggestions for me, now that I have ended it as of 2 days ago, would be greatly appreciated.

[once removed]

hi L.Lo and

you do sound exhausted 

how did the breakup go? have you spoken since?

how are you feeling about it all?

[L.Lo]

Thank you for your replies.  I’ve spent a decent amount of time reading through the posts and find so much I can relate too. Not just his behavior but my own emotional confusion.

He “broke it off” with me this past Friday. He was upset that I had the evening off and was going to spend it with my mom and daughters, I realize now that he interpreted that as rejection.  Honestly, I needed a break from the intensity of him and/or the heavy life conversations that typically seem to come up. He felt I was”lying and his brain was going nuts “, “he needed space to think”.  I replied with a simple “ok”.  The next set of texts came an hour later that said he could no longer “do this” and needed to move on with his life, it was all “too painful.” He ended it with reminding me that he doesn’t “believe me”.  Again, my response was simple, “ok I understand, I can no longer be accused and don’t want t cause any pain, take care of yourself”.

I had two days of peace and quiet. Oddly, I felt like myself for once. Maybe relieved? I typically felt sad, rejected, hurt, angry when this would happen... .but this time I felt none of that.

Sunday he reached out to me, and I felt he was being manipulative.

“I can’t forget about you... .”
15 mins passed
“You don’t have to ever speak to me if you don’t want... .”
15mins passed
“I should not have reached out... .I am sorry ... .”

I didn’t reply to anything.

He then called my phone twice; I did not answer and let it go to voicemail. My theory is, he called to see if I blocked him. He wanted the know if I was not responding intentionally? Or was he blocked and I wasn’t getting the messages. He wasn’t blocked, and now he knew I was intentionally ignoring.

The next texts... .

“I know you’ve met another man! It all makes sense that you are with someone do you can get over me! I knew something wasn’t right on Friday... .”

He proceeded to send me 9 pictures... .all the cards, letters, gifts that I had given him... .laid out on the bed, then crumbled up on the floor, then a picture of the outside dumpster at his apt, then all the items tossed in the dumpster. He captioned it, “Now you are trash”.

That hurt. But I still feel good. I never replied, and I have not heard from him since.

I saw my therapist today who said he will reach out again... .I can’t imagine why.

Any thoughts?

Thank you

[once removed]

I saw my therapist today who said he will reach out again... .I can’t imagine why.

well, it does sound like hes trying to provoke you to respond. when a person is emotionally dysregulated, its amazing the self defeating things theyll do to be acknowledged and heard, even being told off.

do you have any intention of responding?

how is it going with the depression? i imagine things still feel pretty uneasy.

[L.Lo]

No I have no intention of responding.  I actually have been feeling fine. The overwhelming feelings seem to have faded and I’m just trying to take itnday by day so I don’t get caught of guard if they resurface.

The truth is, I do feel sorry for him and this reality that he has to live with. I realize that most of it is out of his control and since he is not getting any treatment, this is the pattern he will continue to live with.
I do not believe that he is aware of this condition as he has only mentioned being treated for anger and depression. Maybe he is aware, but never disclosed it to me.  After reading up, I see how the back and forth pattern is not “good for him” and only contributes to his emotional roller coaster, which is not something I want to inflict.  Maybe my compassion for him holds more weight than my own pain and confusion and that is why my desire to have any contact is absent. I didn’t u deretand what was going on before so the break up / make up pattern did exist.

I hope he does get the help and guidance he needs. He has 2 sweet young boys and I certainly wish them all the best.

[once removed]

I’m just trying to take itnday by day so I don’t get caught of guard if they resurface.

this is important. a lot of us are running on adrenaline and anxiety in these relationships... .it can take a big toll, and it can certainly blow up to the surface. take good care, and be gentle with yourself. spend quality time with friends and family.

After reading up, I see how the back and forth pattern is not “good for him” and only contributes to his emotional roller coaster, which is not something I want to inflict.

it can be a greater kindness to both of you, to step off the roller coaster. a roller coaster of a relationship isnt healthy for anyone.

you mentioned youre searching for some answers to make sense of it all. are there any questions on your mind?

[SerendipityChild]

The next texts... .
“I know you’ve met another man! It all makes sense that you are with someone do you can get over me! I knew something wasn’t right on Friday... .”
[/quote

This sounds so eerily familiar. Actually they are the exact words my ex sent me each time I do not respond to his text messages. And he was the one always dumping me! How is that even fair?

[L.Lo]

Thank you everyone for your replies.  Always helps to know is I’m not as isolated as I feel.  

It’s been 2 full days that I have not heard from him, which is good. I’d like to go at least 2 weeks before I can feel confortable. After his last rage text with pictures I felt he was a bit u stable and last thing I want is for him to show up unannounced.

[SerendipityChild]

Thank you everyone for your replies.  Always helps to know is I’m not as isolated as I feel.  
It’s been 2 full days that I have not heard from him, which is good. I’d like to go at least 2 weeks before I can feel confortable. After his last rage text with pictures I felt he was a bit u stable and last thing I want is for him to show up unannounced.

Hi L.Lo,
We are all here for you. I understand the isolated feeling when my ex left and I've never felt so alone. Whenever you feel lonely or sad feel free to come here and write. It helps.
I could just imagine the anxiety and restlessness you must feel not knowing when he will show up. Does he have access to your place? Do you have family and friends you can call just in case? I guess what I am trying to say is that anything can happen and it is always best to have an action plan.

[HopelessBroken]

L.Lo, thank you for writing. I had the exact same situation with a BPD male. Accused constantly of cheating a few months in and for the 2 years afterwards. It’s maddening. I’m proud of you that you got out so quickly. You will heal so much faster.

[mama-wolf]

Reading through his attempts to reach out to you, it sounds like... .

“I can’t forget about you... .”
15 mins passed
“You don’t have to ever speak to me if you don’t want... .”
15mins passed
“I should not have reached out... .I am sorry ... .”

He wants you to comfort ant soothe him.  He's feeling abandoned but thinks he can get draw you back in by trying to sound loving and reasonable.

He then called my phone twice; I did not answer and let it go to voicemail. My theory is, he called to see if I blocked him. He wanted the know if I was not responding intentionally? Or was he blocked and I wasn’t getting the messages. He wasn’t blocked, and now he knew I was intentionally ignoring.

Checking to see if he's blocked is possibly one part of it, but also probably hoping that you'll pick up and he can actually follow up on the texts.

“I know you’ve met another man! It all makes sense that you are with someone do you can get over me! I knew something wasn’t right on Friday... .”

He proceeded to send me 9 pictures... .all the cards, letters, gifts that I had given him... .laid out on the bed, then crumbled up on the floor, then a picture of the outside dumpster at his apt, then all the items tossed in the dumpster. He captioned it, “Now you are trash”.

And now he is convincing himself that you are not with him because you are cheating and/or have found someone else.  I imagine it would feel better in his mind than to conceive of the possibility that you would rather be alone than be with him.  Either way it hurts, which is why he is trying to hurt you back with the photos and trash comment.

My uBPDstbxw typically lashes out at me with texts or messages rather than pictures.  But when she moved out, she did intentionally leave many things in the house that I had given her over the last several years.  Left them out where I could see that she didn't want anything that came from me.  In part, I know it's because it causes her too much pain to see those reminders (she attributes far more significance to things like that than I do)... .but I also know it was intended as a message.   She knows I haven't been cheating on her... .knows I have chosen to be alone after being together for 15 years (11 years married), and I think that has been nearly as upsetting as the end of the relationship itself.  At least if I were with someone else, she would have one more person to whom she could direct her anger and pain.

mw

[L.Lo]

Hello everyone... .there’s been a development. The last time I heard from him was Sunday with the rage pictures and “trash” comment. I woke up this morning to a text from him... .

“Look I’ve been trying not to reach out, but I really want you to know that you’re a good woman. All the things I’ve said and done were all out of pure pain, it wasn’t you. I know I’ve hurt you. I know I don’t deserve you. Honestly, I never did deserve you. I hope someone finds you, fights for you and loves you so much.”

I’d love your thoughts on this.

My thought was in regards to the pattern of remorse that I observed in him when he would go into a mode of accusations/disrespect towards me. I felt that after the “trash” text he eventually calmed down and felt bad for the horrible things he said. I felt this text morning text was his attempt at trying to feel better about himself. I did not respond to it.  But I thought it was very interesting that he didn’t apologize for anything, particularly those last words and destroying of the gifts I gave him; this is why I felt the text was self serving.  My other thought was that it was more of a “feeler text” to see if I would respond or if it would get any reaction out of me.

Thank you for your time, experience and kindness in giving me a place to be open. I’m so grateful.

[once removed]

I felt that after the “trash” text he eventually calmed down and felt bad for the horrible things he said. I felt this text morning text was his attempt at trying to feel better about himself.

probably both are true. if id gone off the rails like that, id be embarrassed. id probably also want to end things on a better note.

its a nice thought. on one hand, you could (briefly) tell him you appreciate it and wish him well, and close the door firmly. on the other hand, he may push for more.

what do you want to do?

[L.Lo]

Thank you for your input. I did not reply to the latest text, nor am I going too.

Forgot to mention a few other details. I am actually moving on Sept 1. This is something he is aware of but I don’t believe he knows the address. (Same town) ThIs makes me wonder if that was his motive for sending me the last text; to try to get back something since he will soon not know where I live.

At the time of his last “breakup / accusation” I had already gotten the news of having to move and had been quite stressed about it. I was not expecting it and had so much on my plate with getting my kids back to school, the unstable relationship we were in, and a 5 day vacation that I have had planned since before I met him; that was now falling right in the middle of moving. It was another glimpse into how his pattern of never takes into consideration me, my feeling, my world. He was hardly supportive and continued to fire off missles at me knowing I was overwhelmed.