Doing better

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi everyone,

I took a break from the board while I worked on getting my life together. Things are better and still getting better.

A month ago I was at my wit's end with my husband. He has PTSD from his horrific childhood and was in really bad shape and not doing anything about it. He quit his horrible job which was a constant trigger and he's back with his therapist twice a week. He had quit seeing her when he got that job because he couldn't get the time off. Money is tight but we are getting by and he's starting his own handyman business, so he will be able to set his own hours. I have many friends who want to pay him to do stuff on their houses so that will help jump start his business.

We really can't technically afford to keep paying DDs rent but after a lot of discussion we decided that for our own sakes right now we need her stable, and she has been the most stable she's ever been the past few months. The same stupid things happen but she recovers within a day or two instead of it derailing her for weeks or months. We feel she is making slow but steady progress so we decided to keep doing this as long as she is making progress. Our relationship and our own mental health can't take her being homeless or unstable right now. I still have a year left of my masters degree and I'm working full time, and our marriage very nearly ended. We are still crawling out of that hole.

We let her suffer some severe consequences last year and  she is still dealing with plenty of her bad decisions. Having a place to live just isn't one of them. As a former foster kid (most of her life) she still isn't used to staying in one place more than a couple months. Having a lease in her name and being forced to stay put is helping her grow so much. And her living with us again is just not an option.

I've started thinking of paying her rent as daycare. If we had adopted her when she was little we'd be paying for daycare. We've only had her four years and so we have spent a fraction of what most parents spend on their kids. Ignoring her actual age and thinking of it like that has helped my perspective on things a lot.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

I'm adopted,  and we hung out with a lot of adoptive families, and I saw a lot of struggles and dysfunction. Given my adoptive BPD mother and the struggles thereof (living on the streets, living in a barn, a camper) I had a nomad mentality into my mid 30s. Given a BPD mother,  I was on my own from a young age,  unlike your daughter. 

What do you think about not paying her rent and letting her stand up for herself? I rescued my mother financially so many times,  yet sometimes I got the feeling that by offering to do so may have triggered her shame about not being able to take care of herself. 

[Huat]

Hello Hyacinth Bucket.

Your absence was felt... .and is understood.  Sometimes I feel the need to back off, change focus, then come back refreshed.

To adopt a baby is one thing.  To adopt a teenager is quite another... .especially when one knows that teenager comes with "baggage"... .so wonderful that you and your husband did that.  You two have unselfishly poured out your hearts, souls... .and bank roll in the hopes of getting this girl on the straight-and-narrow.

I'm happy to read that your husband is taking time to look after his own issues... .gone back to therapy.  I'm happy to read, too, that... ."Things are better and still getting better."... .between the two of you.

In one of her last posts, Lollypop "confesses" to breaking a rule in regards to giving money to her son.  In this post of yours you write... ."we let her suffer some severe consequences"... .but say that you are not prepared to let her become homeless as one of the consequences of her actions.

I don't believe that rules are made to be broken... .but I do believe that they should always be re-visited... .any changes done after being well-thought-out.  Obviously that is the case for both you and Lollypop.  We are all loving parents... .not robots.

There may (or may not) come a day when you feel it is time for you to back away from subsidizing your daughter's living arrangements.  Until then, you have to follow your heart.  We are all on a journey here... .trying our best as we deal with our challenges... .some more overwhelming than others. 

Glad to be here with you, Hyacinth Bucket!  (Knowing the background to the moniker you chose, I always have a giggle   when I see it.)

Huat  ; )

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Huat, Thank you for your sweet note!

Thanks for your response Turkish

It is definitely temporary. My hope/plan is to decrease the amount of her rent we are paying until she's paying all of it over the course of a few months. I was thinking of starting out by having her pay $50 the first month, and so on. And if she couldn't pay it when it's due, she would just have to pay a late fee and the $50 when she could pay it. I don't want to the first consequence to be her getting evicted. If she hadn't spent most of her life in foster care I think it would be a little different.

This week is making me want to make it much shorter than I had planned. She got in a drunken fist fight this weekend and has two black eyes, and is bruised all over. She didn't start it, so that's something, I guess. But she got really mad at her dad yesterday because we had already bought her groceries and she asked for more and he said no. He phrased it badly and said "we've already spent $25 on you today." which is a guaranteed disaster. So she yelled at him the whole way home.

Today she called me and asked if I would buy her stuff to make sandwiches because she 'doesn't want to cook.' I said I'd think about it and she said if it was going to be a big thing, nevermind.

Long story short, she got upset because I wouldn't spend $5 on her. We have told her repeatedly that we are on an extremely tight budget. I was really furious. She started accusing me of thinking she's a burden, etc which I know is just the usual borderline stuff. 

I am trying to use this as an opportunity to teach her about money and budgets, too. She spends money as soon as she gets it. The idea of not getting something you 'technically' have money for is so foreign to her.

When she asks for stuff she starts out by saying 'I know money is tight.' I really am not sure what % is her being a selfish turd and what % is her being totally oblivious to the big picture. I think it's mostly the latter. I think it's also that she still very much equates money with love.

[Lollypop]

Hey there HB

Thanks so much for posting your update as it was so good to read your post and find out you’re ok; plus things are a bit better.

She spends money as soon as she gets it.

My son would say he couldn’t remember what he spent the money on.  It would leave us in a terrible situation as we couldn’t really afford the money that had disappeared and then we had to decide what to do next. Our savings went and we simply couldn’t afford to pay his expenses any more. He wouldn’t/couldn’t look for work.  It was so so hard!

Accepting your statement as fact and giving up the emotional turmoil that comes with it really helped me.  “He can’t deal with money so he needs to learn” was a lightbulb moment for me.

I get that your husband and you too need to take a break and if that means carrying on financially supporting your daughter so she’s stable then that makes perfect sense. I also came to the conclusion that stability and relationships were higher than everything else. We let things ride too, accepting that the time wasn’t right, patiently waiting with optimism that one day we’d feel stronger to nudge him up to the next step.

I realised though that there were consequences to taking a break and we could only remain stable as long as we could remain detached to his problems. When the effort to do that got too great then I took that as a sign that something needdd to change. I hope this makes sense.

When she asks for stuff she starts out by saying 'I know money is tight.' I really am not sure what % is her being a selfish turd and what % is her being totally oblivious to the big picture. I think it's mostly the latter. I think it's also that she still very much equates money with love.

Equating money with love was a problem with us too. To get him to change his behaviours (eg. Take responsibility for himself, him not expecting us to give him “stuff”) meant that I had to change my own behaviours. Simply put - I stopped giving the stuff.   I find it much easier when money isn’t involved in our relationship - we’ve just lent him money so he has a reasonable car. I’m back with you HB - it’s on his mind and mine too!

Life’s tough that’s for sure!  Keep on rocking HB and remember to dance when you can.

Hugs to you

LP

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi LP,

Thank you so much, that was helpful. Remaining detached to remain stable particularly resonates.

When we give her gift cards for groceries she actually spends it pretty mindfully so that's working for now. But I agree having no money involved would be a lot better.

She does work as a stripper but the money is inconsistent and she isn't emotionally stable enough to work enough to make a lot. But she does go a few times a week and I appreciate the effort.

I think in a few months it will be time to start withdrawing our financial support again. Like you said the timing doesn't feel quite right yet.

I appreciate your flexible attitude and support. I find the flexible path much harder than just cutting her off and having things be black and white because I'm constantly having to make decisions. But I also feel that for right now it's the right thing to do. And like you said, at some point it won't work anymore and we will do something else.

Xoxo,
HB

[Daisy123]

Hi HB,
I’m late in chiming in,here. My principal threw me into teaching middle school science- of which I know little about. Been spending my free time trying to figure out curriculum.

I was glad to read that you and husband are doing better. It’s hard enough having a d with BPD.

So you’ve prioritized stability, that, too is my goal with DD who’s having a dreadful time as she’s quit the rest of her meds cold turkey.

There’s just no one way of going about parenting our loved ones with BPD. You must do what you think is best based on what you can live with. That’s it- that’s what I’ve seen so many parents on this board do- do what they can live with and what they know to be in the best interests of their children.

My DD20 is a very low functioning Borderline. If I put her to the curb, she will be homeless. Her suicidality is always looming over her- I could not live with the idea of her prostituting herself or killing herself so I am doing what feels right - and that is, keep a roof over her head and in therapy for now.

We are all just doing our best, parents and children included.
Your DD is a very lucky and loved young woman. I hope she finds a way of making enough to support herself soon.

All my best to you, HB.

Daisy123