Angry at my friends, I'm not being fair

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I haven't seen exBPDgf for 4 months, and have been very low contact. She leaves messages for me from strange numbers, and I occasionally email her to let her know I got her messages, otherwise she'll contact my work, friends or family ostensibly worried I'm "missing."

Lately, I'm feeling lots of anger and resentment towards my close friends for not doing more when they saw me being mistreated. I know this is unfair--how could they have convinced me to leave her? I'm a headstrong, grown-up woman, and I was in bigtime LOVE. But there it is. I'm feeling anger and resentment that no one interceded more vehemently. Did I really expect some white knight would rush in to save me?  So many times, I wished one would.

I know people saw the bruises on my arms. They saw me fall apart at work after I had to wrestle a box cutter out of her hands so she wouldn't slit her wrists in front of me. I told people there was a crazy ex living in a tent in my yard and I couldn't seem to make her leave. They all knew about the cops, the ambulances, the psychotic episodes. They left me alone with her during a category 4 hurricane.

It's not fair of me, I know this. No one could save me except me. My people did their best.

They comforted me when I cried, and tried to give me good advice and support. They brought over wine after she stole my keys (home, work, and vehicle) and stayed with me while I called begging her to bring them back. They offered to come over and change my locks. They offered to come help me clean up my house after she trashed it (I declined.) They mused out loud about what strange spell she had over me, even though we all knew the answer (the sex, and the sweet moments, her vulnerability.)

They did a reasonable amount. So why am I resentful of them? My guess is I'm projecting because I'm pissed off at myself.

Has anybody else experienced this in the aftermath of their BPD relationship?    

[Lady Itone]

I haven't seen exBPDgf for 4 months, and have been very low contact. She leaves messages for me from strange numbers, and I occasionally email her to let her know I got her messages, otherwise she'll contact my work, friends or family ostensibly worried I'm "missing."

Lately, I'm feeling lots of anger and resentment towards my close friends for not doing more when they saw me being mistreated. I know this is unfair--how could they have convinced me to leave her? I'm a headstrong, grown-up woman, and I was in bigtime LOVE. But there it is. I'm feeling anger and resentment that no one interceded more vehemently. Did I really expect some white knight would rush in to save me?  So many times, I wished one would.

I know people saw the bruises on my arms. They saw me fall apart at work after I had to wrestle a box cutter out of her hands so she wouldn't slit her wrists in front of me. I told people there was a crazy ex living in a tent in my yard and I couldn't seem to make her leave. They all knew about the cops, the ambulances, the psychotic episodes. They left me alone with her during a category 4 hurricane.

It's not fair of me, I know this. No one could save me except me. My people did their best.

They comforted me when I cried, and tried to give me good advice and support. They brought over wine after she stole my keys (home, work, and vehicle) and stayed with me while I called begging her to bring them back. They offered to come over and change my locks. They offered to come help me clean up my house after she trashed it (I declined.) They mused out loud about what strange spell she had over me, even though we all knew the answer (the sex, and the sweet moments, her vulnerability.)

They did a reasonable amount. So why am I resentful of them? My guess is I'm projecting because I'm pissed off at myself.

Has anybody else experienced this in the aftermath of their BPD relationship?    

[Enabler]

Not quite the same but I am angry at my friends for not just supporting me, not believing in unicorns and insisting on wheeling out millennial run messages.

I no get why they can’t believe in unicorns, I likely wouldn’t either.

This isn’t my first cycle, the dynamics were never that clear to everyone what with me being a gruff bloke and her being a meek girl.

I guess the question you have to ask yourself is what could they have said and done to make you stop the dance?

[Educated_Guess]

Hi Lady Itone!  I'm sorry that you had to go through so much struggle.  It sounds like you really went through a lot.

I think our friends and family just don't know what to do.  They may have felt powerless to do anything.  If you couldn't set your boundaries with your ex, what expectation could they have of getting you to set those boundaries?  

I think you are on to something with thinking that you are projecting onto them because you are pissed at yourself.  In Rollo May's book Love and Will, he says that people will do two things when they feel incapable of making decisions:  1) they want someone else to come in, take control and make the decisions for them and 2) they will project onto others what they repress within themselves.  

Projecting onto others is a way to distract us from working on ourselves.  It sounds like this may be what is going on with you.  The useful thing with this is that it gives you a pretty good indication of where to start with yourself.   When you saw the bruises on your arm, when you saw your ex in a tent in your backyard, what happened with you in that moment that you didn't say or do more to protect yourself?

As you are working through that, I want to challenge you to do one thing:  Be kind with yourself.  

So you made some mistakes; you missed some opportunities to protect yourself.  Welcome to the human condition with the rest of us screw ups.  Maybe you did these things because you wanted to be loved.  Maybe you didn't want to give up on someone that you loved.  Are those bad motivations to have?  Of course not!  

Learning how to do those things in a healthier way is just part of the journey of life.  Should you be angry with yourself because you didn't start at the end of this journey with all the knowledge and healthy coping mechanisms you would need to make perfect decisions?  No one starts out with all that.  There's no reason to be angry with yourself.

You recognize that you have been unfair to your friends.  Are you also maybe being unfair with yourself?

[Lady Itone]

You all certainly give me much to think about, thank you!

Enabler: The fact that she was an angel-faced, soft spoken waif who everyone knew I had sympathy for certainly played in exgfBPD's favor. You ask what could my friends have done? I answer, probably nothing except upset me even more by questioning my life decisions. 

Educated Guess: You're right, and that was beautifully said.

I honestly did not know how to navigate such serious mental illness. The passion and lust and tenderness, and then the violence and chaos. It was confusing to my senses. I loved her, I wanted to help her, and I wanted to be loved, hard, the way she seemed to love me. I did the best I could with what I knew, and my friends were doing similarly.

 

[spero]

Hi there Lady Itone,

How are you doing now right now?

It's not fair of me, I know this. No one could save me except me. My people did their best.

They comforted me when I cried, and tried to give me good advice and support. They brought over wine after she stole my keys (home, work, and vehicle) and stayed with me while I called begging her to bring them back. They offered to come over and change my locks. They offered to come help me clean up my house after she trashed it (I declined.) They mused out loud about what strange spell she had over me, even though we all knew the answer (the sex, and the sweet moments, her vulnerability.)

They did a reasonable amount. So why am I resentful of them? My guess is I'm projecting because I'm pissed off at myself.

Has anybody else experienced this in the aftermath of their BPD relationship?    

I think being able to identify how you feel right now as being "angry" is a start. Perhaps, as how you've said, this anger is misdirected, and as you may have rightfully also pointed out, this anger that you are feeling right now may possibly be misdirected at your friends. I am curious about you mentioning that you're mad at yourself, are you able to identify why you would be mad at yourself? Or perhaps you're mad at yourself for not doing what your head knew, but your heart couldn't at that point in time.

Hmm, i suppose these two questions are a good starting point to navigate how you feel at the moment. Lady Itone, perhaps your friend as you've put it correctly, have done their best in their knowledge of how to comfort you. I suppose it is also wisdom that understanding that you're a strong willed lady. I must say that such specific mental illness behaviours while not normal, average people who've never encountered such people would unfortunately not be able to fully empatise with your situation, im not saying i do, but can understand to a certain degree what your friends did, but they're probably also at a loss as to how they would be able to support or direct you, which in most cases, would need professional help.

I suppose i'd like to echo what educated_guess has said, and add an additional level to that statement, as you friends have been kind to you, be kind with yourself. To err is to be human, dear Lady Itone, neither of us starts a relationship knowing how bad it would become, so take heart, you're not a fault. We don't have the answers to why things happen, but you know, there are already those that care for you and are still sticking around you.

Take heart,
Spero.

[JNChell]

Hi, Lady Itone. I’ve read a lot of what you’ve posted on this site. You are a very strong woman. Strength is a virtue. It’s nice to see here.

Lately, I'm feeling lots of anger and resentment towards my close friends for not doing more when they saw me being mistreated.

This struck me. My T has asked me multiple times why my friends and small family didn’t intervene. Why didn’t they alert me? I didn’t alert them. The only feedback that I’ve gotten was by a diagnosed BPD cousin. That feedback was that she knows. “crazy bitches” because she is one.

My friends and family didn’t see me being mistreated. I protected the ex. I was confused through mistreatment. Isolated. Did you ever experience the same? Did you protect her by protecting the relationship by proxy? By not conveying important information to those closest to you? It’s easy.

They did a reasonable amount. So why am I resentful of them? My guess is I'm projecting because I'm pissed off at myself.

This could be the case. Regardless, unless we made an effort to reach out to them for help during the relationship, what does it matter. We didn’t reach out in real time. I’m sorry if I missed something from your post, but I think I’m reading an after the point account.

Lady Itone, this crap hurts. Our emotions were heightened to levels that we never imagined, and dropped off of the table at the speed it takes for a glass to hit the floor and shatter in slow motion before our eyes. My T has been pretty adamant on why I didn’t get warnings from my peeps. I’m realizing that she is showing me that the communication channels aren’t open enough. I didn’t feel comfortable opening up about what was going on at home. Several of them had been through their own stuff, but I think I’m creating some synergy by talking a little and asking a little.

Are you synergistically approaching your folks?

[JNChell]

Lady Itone, you want her back. The beginning. I want my Son’s mother back too. The beginning. I never felt so good, but it was through someone else. It wasn’t through me.

Ya know, I’ve been thinking about buying a kayak. We have two, semi to fiddlin’, rivers up here. I love to fish. Floating and fishing along with negotiating the rough parts sounds like a good day.

[once removed]

one thing that ive learned is that interference in a persons relationship also causes resentment.

my best friend was in an awful marriage. she cheated on him, he saw text conversations with her talking about wanting to divorce him. she was out all hours while he was worried at home with the kids.

it was awful to watch, and i saw the toll that it took on him. he confided these things in me. i never once said an unkind word about her, never once encouraged him to leave his relationship. i did listen, i did ask questions, and i did show care. ultimately, he did divorce her.

it would not have helped him cope or improved his situation if i sided with him and slagged his wife. it would not have been good for mine and his relationship if i had bashed the woman he loved, the mother of his children. maybe, only maybe, he might have listened to me if i did, and then maybe when he went through the inevitable regrets during the divorce process, as one does, he might have blamed me for the fallout of his marriage. or maybe, had they gotten on a better path, they would have rightfully seen me as a threat to their marriage.

psychologically speaking, did you know that when someone encourages us to leave a relationship, it tends to trigger digging in, entrenchment, and feelings of shame and helplessness?

[SerendipityChild]

Lady Itone... I understand the anger. Because I went through it and lashed out on my family and friends. The only difference is that when I gave all my attention to my ex, I cut off each of my relationships with my sisters, parents and friends. I know it was a horrible thing to do, but I did it anyway because at the time my ex was the most important person in my life next to my kids.His BPD was that powerful and it made me so submissive.  
When he left I felt so angry at the world and blamed everyone but myself. I am an adult, so why would they stop me from making the biggest mistake of my life? It was not that they did not help but it was I who did not ask for help. Just a few weeks ago I started mending fences with everyone and I feel so lucky that they let me back in their lives. When I saw my parents they did not say a word- I received a big, comforting hug instead. And I cried like a baby.
You have great friends from what you wrote. They were there when you needed them most. Some say you lash out on the people closest to you and perhaps this is what's happening.

[Educated_Guess]

You all certainly give me much to think about, thank you!

Enabler: The fact that she was an angel-faced, soft spoken waif who everyone knew I had sympathy for certainly played in exgfBPD's favor. You ask what could my friends have done? I answer, probably nothing except upset me even more by questioning my life decisions. 

Educated Guess: You're right, and that was beautifully said.

I honestly did not know how to navigate such serious mental illness. The passion and lust and tenderness, and then the violence and chaos. It was confusing to my senses. I loved her, I wanted to help her, and I wanted to be loved, hard, the way she seemed to love me. I did the best I could with what I knew, and my friends were doing similarly.

Thanks!

My BPD ex was also a waif and that was a big part of the issue for me.  She was funny, charming, lovable and adorable for 80% of our relationship.  I knew in my gut that something was missing but her outward behavior was so above board that I just assumed that whatever was missing was something within me.  Even if my friends did pick up on the BPD and told me about it, I probably would not have believed them.  I didn't even believe my own instincts.

BPD is kinda like the Cadillac of mental disorders - it is its own thing.  Even in the mental health field, there is a lot of stigma about treating BPD patients.  I remember having a conversation with a counselor who worked in the prison system and he told me that BPD females are the absolute worst patients to have.  He would much rather work with murderers or sex offenders than to work with a BPD female.  He said they would not respond to treatment and would just run you around in circles. This was the first time I became aware of how much stigma there was for the diagnosis.  (btw, I don't think this stigma is right but it is there).


So even among trained practitioners, BPD is still a mystery and some don't know what to do with it.  I really like what you said in the sentence in bold.  You did the best you could with what you knew.  That is the best anyone should expect of themselves.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be loved.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to help the one you love.  Those are natural healthy feelings. Maybe the lines got blurred on what was love and what was not. It did for me.  That's understandable.  They don't give us an instruction manual for this crap.  You just have to figure it out as you go along.

I'm impressed by your willingness to look at yourself in this process.  It takes courage to do that and you got it, girl.  That tells me you are going to keep moving forward and learning.  Blessings to you!

[MeandThee29]

It's hard. At times I find myself wanting my friend to "fix it," which is of course impossible. I watch their happy, ordinary lives, and I think, "Stop and help me!"

I've had some friends who just truly don't get it. They say things like, "Have you suggested that he go to counselling?" and "Maybe you could vacation where he lives and work things out." I've backed off on those. His family says similar things, and I gave up interacting with them.

Then others who don't quite know what to say, but listen well and are "there." They want to help as much as they can. One sweet couple keeps sending me gift cards in the mail because they know that I'm underemployed and struggling.

And then I have one friend whose sister-in-law had BPD and ultimately committed suicide. She really get it. She knows how disordered the thinking is, and how the games they play go.

Sometimes I'm amazed that anyone has stuck with me through this. 

[JNChell]

Here’s some tunage. I hope you like it.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4PekdeINQco

[Lady Itone]

Wow you guys this is good stuff, thank you. You are better than the therapist I recently fired, seriously! I need a day or two to process, but will check in ASAP. Hugs!

[Lady Itone]

@Spero:

How are you doing now right now?

Thanks for asking. Today I'm taking it very hard. The loneliness, emptiness feels like a physical weight on my head and chest. There's no one I feel safe reaching out to IRL for attention and validation. I feel helpless to change this narrative, nothing I do seems to bring me enough love.

And there, I think, is the crux of my feelings of anger and abandonment. A few obvious reasons I'm getting triggered.

1) My bestie is a lot of fun, but she can be self-involved even at her best. Currently, she's giving all her bandwidth to her chronically depressed partner, plus she just started a new job and has been socializing with new coworkers.

So she texted me last night while I was out having a nice dinner/movie with my ex-husband (we're still good friends, obviously.) She asked if we could spend time together today because she was struggling and needed support. I said absolutely, and we agreed to brunch. I was really looking forward, bestie and I haven't spent any one-on-one time together lately. But this morning she blew off our brunch because she wants to spend time with partner before he goes out of town for a couple days. I feel hurt and disregarded. I texted back that I had been looking forward to brunch, and admitted I've been feeling disconnected lately, and she apologized. I know she has lots of her plate right now, so of course I forgave her. But the bad feelings linger.   

2) My other besties, a married couple, are moving across the country. I spend time with them at least once a week--and they always take me to really nice restaurants that I could otherwise only rarely afford, and I tell them everything. Their leaving will be a huge blow to my social life and support system.

3) We're 10 days away from the anniversary of Hurricane Irma, the Cat 4 storm where everyone "abandoned" me. I purposefully scheduled a nice vacation that week, visiting friends and family in New England to distract myself. The weather should be great. Going whale watching and leaf-lookin', eating lobstah... .   

One year ago, I got into a car with a man I barely knew, the storm bearing down, leaving my girlfriend in a manic state... .She had already emotionally abandoned me at that point, and I had to physically abandon her and get myself and my pets to safety (one that was elderly and crippled and who I had to have put down during evacuation.) And the days in FEMA hotel rooms, alone, surrounded by strangers, not sure if she was alive or dead... .some of the worst days of my life.   

I just feel so unimportant. I am no one's priority. Never have been. Parents loved me, sure, but they were barely 20 and got pregnant on their first date, I was benignly neglected. Husband loved me, but put me second to his work. Friends let me down. People are flaky. I try not to take it personally, but I do.

@MeandThee29, what you say resonates with me:

It's hard. At times I find myself wanting my friend to "fix it," which is of course impossible. I watch their happy, ordinary lives, and I think, "Stop and help me!"

It's so sweet that your friends send you gift cards!  I'm also chronically underemployed during summer months. It sucks worrying about money! Luckily, my ex husband is doing well for himself and helps me through the scarcity of off-season.

@JNChell

Are you synergistically approaching your folks?

Great question!

I'm usually pretty honest, I love deep conversations and talking about feelings, and I don't hide emotions well. That being said, I'm sure I played down the affect her Borderline shenanigans were having on me. Also, a sad truth I've learned that people don't like being around depressed, struggling people, so I try to be fun and engaging, even if inside I'm screaming.  PS--thanks for the great tunage! And yes, one should always kayak more! I skipped my sailing lesson this morning I didn't like the rainy weather, now the sun is out and I'm regretting it. I will do a sunset kayak tonight, leading a small group--wish you could join me! 

@Serendipity Child

When I saw my parents they did not say a word- I received a big, comforting hug instead. And I cried like a baby.

Yay for unconditional love! I wish I felt closer to my parents emotionally. Currently, we're separated by many states. I will be seeing a favorite aunt on my trip in a couple weeks... .

Thanks for reading, y'all. 

[JNChell]

Hi, Lady Itone. Happy Saturday!

I'm usually pretty honest, I love deep conversations and talking about feelings, and I don't hide emotions well. That being said, I'm sure I played down the affect her Borderline shenanigans were having on me.

I enjoy the same, and it is difficult for me to keep my emotions under wraps at times. Especially when I feel like I’m really being heard. This stuff wants to get out of us in a big way. I’ve also started going too far with it a time or two. I could see the confusion on their faces. I would guess that most of your friends don’t really understand disordered behavior the way that you and I do. How many times have you read here about no one understanding? They can’t unless they’ve been through it. In reading your post, I get the feeling that you’re putting way too much pressure on yourself. Go easy, LI.

I will do a sunset kayak tonight, leading a small group--wish you could join me!

Me too! I’ve never been. A sunset paddle sounds like a very soothing experience. Eat it up tonight and pass that joy along to your group. I imagine that it’s nice to interact with new people all of the time that share a very important interest with you.  Take good care Lady Itone.

[once removed]

two things that might help:

1. meet new people. make new friends. easier said than done, i know, especially the older we get. they dont necessarily have to be deep connections. theres really something to be said for connecting with new people, getting to know them, enjoying their company, especially when its fresh.

2. invest yourself in others. volunteer work is great. when im in pain, and im able, theres nothing so helpful as connecting to something bigger than myself; it makes my pain seem smaller to give back and to help others, and i learn new things and experiences in the process.

hang in there Lady Itone