When it's good it's good, but when it's bad I can't be bothered

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I feel completely conflicted right now.

I've been away travelling for 4 months and during that time our relationship really took beating. In the first two months, I was ignored for days on end, shunned, and he took absolutely no interest in anything I was doing because he deemed it as me rubbing things in his face- but at the time I was still completely devoted to making this relationship work so I let everything go over my head, I apologised constantly, I tried to behave as normally as I could in the face of the silence. The next two months were even worse- constant conflict between us, arguing and crying almost every day, basically on the brink of a break up- I became physically stressed every time I had to call him (which I had schedule in a time at and stick to it rigidly, if I didn't, cue the next argument) or whenever I saw his name flash up on my phone screen. Within the last two months, my view on the relationship did a complete 180. I started arguing back because I was completely sick of being accused of things, called selfish, not caring, etc etc. I was just constantly waiting for the next thing to set him off. I understand that all of this is because 1. I was away from him for a significant period of time and 2. away with a friend that he already despises, so that just escalates things entirely.

Now I'm back and he thinks that all of this conflict is resolved, I'm sort of left reeling behind. He says he wants to just start over again and forget about the last few months, but I can't help that those 4 months (and the 3 months before I left) were some of the hardest I've ever been through and I feel like any normal person would feel a bit differently after going through all of that. I felt like I'd lost myself a bit, questioned who I was as a person and maybe even started to believe all the things he said and called me. In the course of our year long relationship, over half of it has been in emotional turmoil. He's picking up on all my behaviours- saying that I'm not the same, that I act differently around him (I'm definitely more guarded, I do argue more than I used to, our conversations are completely dead, I almost force myself to be close and intimate with him). The conversations we have are stagnant because he doesn't want to talk about how he is or how his day was, he wants to talk about the future and all that that holds, and I can't answer truthfully because honestly right now I just can't see a future together.

The problem is that I feel trapped and in more ways than one:
- throughout my trip he was insistent about me moving in with him when I got back, at first I wasn't really happy with it but I reluctantly agreed because I wanted to keep the peace, but as things escalated I just can't justify moving in with someone who I've been arguing with for the last 7 months and everything just being hunky dory. But now I feel like I can't back out of this situation. Even when I'm back his constant questions were 'when are you moving in?' and he made it very clear that if I didn't move in, things were over between us because he can't do long distance. I expressed that I had my doubts about moving in because of our history and that I wasn't overly comfortable with going along with it because we'd only been together a year and I'm only 23! But I feel like I've dug my own grave with this- do I tell him outright, I just don't want to move in and suffer the immediate consequences or do I just go along with it and trial it out only to tell him weeks down the line that I'm not enjoying it? But then what if everything turns out to be ok?

-part of me also doesn't want to give up on this relationship, I will feel like I've totally failed him and lived up to his expectations of inevitable abandonment. I do still love and care about him deeply, I don't want to see him suffer and hurt, but I cannot emotionally deal with any more of this turmoil. And quite frankly I can't be bothered with the relationship when we are arguing, it makes me not care about saving the relationship at all where I once fought so hard to hold it together. When it's bad it's like I've given up entirely and in all honesty I just want out. But when he's in a good mood and we're not arguing and fighting, it feels almost normal again, it's easy and it almost makes me forget about the 99% of the time when we're not ok, it makes me feel like maybe I could go on with this relationship and I don't want to break up with him. But it never lasts and then I feel like this cycle continues, but always improves just before my breaking point, so I'm never pushed to the extreme of just throwing everything up in the air and leaving. I feel bad because he is now trying to get things back to normal and it is sort of my fault the conflict is still occurring because I can't just let go of all the stress and upset he caused me over the last few months, maybe I resent him a little bit for somewhat tainting my experience of travelling when it should have been some of the most exciting and happiest months of my life.

-I also feel trapped because of the obvious repercussions of breaking up with someone with BPD. He knows that my behaviours changed and I can't help that- yes, arguing consistently, being accused of things, blamed for everything, name calling, just constantly having to ride out his mood swings and accept his excuses for his behaviours, be submissive and apologise for everything, all for over 7months does probably change the way you feel about a person. But if I break up with him and tell him that my feelings have changed, even though I do love him and care for him, I cannot live anymore with his behaviours, I know that it will spiral out of control and I'm so scared that he would do something terrible and I just mentally cannot take that on, it will break me as a person.

I'm just asking for a bit of perspective from people on here. I know that there will be people out there in exactly the same situation and really no-one can make a decision for you. I know in my heart of hearts I probably know what I should do: for the good of both of our mental healths. But that 10% of me is not ready to just give up and I'm just scared to be honest about the future- either prospect (staying or leaving) seems just as bad as the other.

[inthemiddle1]

I feel completely conflicted right now.

I've been away travelling for 4 months and during that time our relationship really took beating. In the first two months, I was ignored for days on end, shunned, and he took absolutely no interest in anything I was doing because he deemed it as me rubbing things in his face- but at the time I was still completely devoted to making this relationship work so I let everything go over my head, I apologised constantly, I tried to behave as normally as I could in the face of the silence. The next two months were even worse- constant conflict between us, arguing and crying almost every day, basically on the brink of a break up- I became physically stressed every time I had to call him (which I had schedule in a time at and stick to it rigidly, if I didn't, cue the next argument) or whenever I saw his name flash up on my phone screen. Within the last two months, my view on the relationship did a complete 180. I started arguing back because I was completely sick of being accused of things, called selfish, not caring, etc etc. I was just constantly waiting for the next thing to set him off. I understand that all of this is because 1. I was away from him for a significant period of time and 2. away with a friend that he already despises, so that just escalates things entirely.

Now I'm back and he thinks that all of this conflict is resolved, I'm sort of left reeling behind. He says he wants to just start over again and forget about the last few months, but I can't help that those 4 months (and the 3 months before I left) were some of the hardest I've ever been through and I feel like any normal person would feel a bit differently after going through all of that. I felt like I'd lost myself a bit, questioned who I was as a person and maybe even started to believe all the things he said and called me. In the course of our year long relationship, over half of it has been in emotional turmoil. He's picking up on all my behaviours- saying that I'm not the same, that I act differently around him (I'm definitely more guarded, I do argue more than I used to, our conversations are completely dead, I almost force myself to be close and intimate with him). The conversations we have are stagnant because he doesn't want to talk about how he is or how his day was, he wants to talk about the future and all that that holds, and I can't answer truthfully because honestly right now I just can't see a future together.

The problem is that I feel trapped and in more ways than one:
- throughout my trip he was insistent about me moving in with him when I got back, at first I wasn't really happy with it but I reluctantly agreed because I wanted to keep the peace, but as things escalated I just can't justify moving in with someone who I've been arguing with for the last 7 months and everything just being hunky dory. But now I feel like I can't back out of this situation. Even when I'm back his constant questions were 'when are you moving in?' and he made it very clear that if I didn't move in, things were over between us because he can't do long distance. I expressed that I had my doubts about moving in because of our history and that I wasn't overly comfortable with going along with it because we'd only been together a year and I'm only 23! But I feel like I've dug my own grave with this- do I tell him outright, I just don't want to move in and suffer the immediate consequences or do I just go along with it and trial it out only to tell him weeks down the line that I'm not enjoying it? But then what if everything turns out to be ok?

-part of me also doesn't want to give up on this relationship, I will feel like I've totally failed him and lived up to his expectations of inevitable abandonment. I do still love and care about him deeply, I don't want to see him suffer and hurt, but I cannot emotionally deal with any more of this turmoil. And quite frankly I can't be bothered with the relationship when we are arguing, it makes me not care about saving the relationship at all where I once fought so hard to hold it together. When it's bad it's like I've given up entirely and in all honesty I just want out. But when he's in a good mood and we're not arguing and fighting, it feels almost normal again, it's easy and it almost makes me forget about the 99% of the time when we're not ok, it makes me feel like maybe I could go on with this relationship and I don't want to break up with him. But it never lasts and then I feel like this cycle continues, but always improves just before my breaking point, so I'm never pushed to the extreme of just throwing everything up in the air and leaving. I feel bad because he is now trying to get things back to normal and it is sort of my fault the conflict is still occurring because I can't just let go of all the stress and upset he caused me over the last few months, maybe I resent him a little bit for somewhat tainting my experience of travelling when it should have been some of the most exciting and happiest months of my life.

-I also feel trapped because of the obvious repercussions of breaking up with someone with BPD. He knows that my behaviours changed and I can't help that- yes, arguing consistently, being accused of things, blamed for everything, name calling, just constantly having to ride out his mood swings and accept his excuses for his behaviours, be submissive and apologise for everything, all for over 7months does probably change the way you feel about a person. But if I break up with him and tell him that my feelings have changed, even though I do love him and care for him, I cannot live anymore with his behaviours, I know that it will spiral out of control and I'm so scared that he would do something terrible and I just mentally cannot take that on, it will break me as a person.

I'm just asking for a bit of perspective from people on here. I know that there will be people out there in exactly the same situation and really no-one can make a decision for you. I know in my heart of hearts I probably know what I should do: for the good of both of our mental healths. But that 10% of me is not ready to just give up and I'm just scared to be honest about the future- either prospect (staying or leaving) seems just as bad as the other.

[Enabler]

Hey ITM1,

It seems apparent from what you have written... .and more's the point that you have written it on bpdfamily, that you are concerned by your BF's behaviors... .and that they point to BPD traits. There seems to me (and you) to be quite a lot of conflict in the relationship which is causing you some serious emotional upset. Your BF is calling the shots with regards to how this relationship should proceed and looks like he's placing you under a decent amount of FOG (especially with split threats) to move in with him. Does this not seem pretty coercive to you?

It strikes me that you're currently in a position of relative safety (not saying you are physically threatened, but he clearly causes you some emotional hurt), in your own home, and he's encouraging your (forcing/coercing you) to move from that position of safety into an unknown arena of his abode. All relationships contain risk by their very nature. The key is to balance the risks and rewards and manage the risks where possible.

How do you think things might change if you moved in with your BF?
Do you think you will feel safer?
Do you think you will have the same ability to separate yourself if and when there is disharmony in the relationship?
Do you feel that he is more of less likely to make accusations?

is it a good idea let someone who has disordered thinking and prone to emotional dysregulation decide where you should be living?

Enabler

[inthemiddle1]

Hi Enabler,

His behaviour is coercive at times. However, most of this coercive behaviour to get what he wants is disguised as him helping me out in some way or ways that will make my life easier, even though it's really about making himself feel happier and more stable (sometimes i do believe he does this subconsciously). For example, the reason for me wanting to move back home with my parents this year was to focus on getting work experience in order to apply next year for veterinary medicine, however in his eyes why would I want to move back to somewhere where I lose my independence, I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere with little transport connections, no part time jobs available and I will have to travel some distance to work experience (even though there are much more opportunities here than in the city), whereas I could move in with him (that's what I should want because I love him and should want to be with him), I have my friends close by, more work opportunities and still opportunities for work experience (although I will have to do city driving which I'm not entirely comfortable with), near the city, in my own house, and he has offered to support me whilst I'm trying to find a job (I don't really like this as I feel he has a bit of a stake in me then- yet another reason why I feel a bit trapped).

How do you think things might change if you moved in with your BF?
Do you think you will feel safer?
Do you think you will have the same ability to separate yourself if and when there is disharmony in the relationship?
Do you feel that he is more of less likely to make accusations?

I'm really not sure how things would change, given the nature of our relationship it could go either way. It may stay exactly the same as we have been and the conflict and turmoil continues. On the other hand, it may be completely fine, because I'm finally around and that's what will make him happy. However, this seems unlikely to me as there is always a problem and his job and friends get him down which this upset gets taken out on me usually. Also I feel that even if everything turns out to be fine with me moving in, will I still be able to get back to the place that I once was with him with regards to how I feel about him.

I don't necessarily think I will feel safer in either situation to be honest, either way he will cause me emotional upset. I'm either with him and we will still have conflict or I'm distant from him and we have even more conflict because I'm away from him.

There will definitely be less opportunity to separate myself when conflict is occurring if I live with him. Before I used to live down the road and previously when he had felt hurt by my behaviours he used to send me back home and sometimes I wouldn't hear from him for days, whilst he was coping with this emotional low. I have already brought this point up to him, but he believes that conflicts as bad as those will not happen as I am no longer living with my friend that he dislikes and instead living with him so we can talk and sort things out.

Again, to the last question I really do not know how will it go. Either situation is potential.

[Enabler]

Are there any other solutions you can think of rather than these two examples? One where you are able to stay in control of a situation you have identified as challenging, in flux and has great potential to change moment by moment based on any number of factors outside of your control. What happens for example if you were to move into his place and be financially supported by him, took a job in town and then he had a bust-up with a friend of his and decides he wants to kick you out for a few weeks until he changes his mind? You would have taken a job, maybe have to quit that job or find alternative living arrangements... .how would that look on your CV for example?

Would it be safe to say that you feel a fair amount of anxiety as to how he is feeling? You mentioned below the dread of the phone calls with accusations. What are you thoughts about devoting time and energy into worrying about someones emotions you cannot control?

[Cat Familiar]

While you were traveling, he created a lot of chaos, first shunning you and taking no interest in what you were doing. You apologized profusely, hoping to make things better. Then after constant conflict, you began arguing back because you were fed up with his hurtful insults.

Now that you're back, he just wants to wipe the slate clean and act as though it's all the way it was previously, but you're still reeling from his unkind behavior. Over half your relationship has been spent in conflict and you're a bit battle weary and not willing to be as open and unguarded as you once were. (This is completely understandable--to a "non" but not to a pwBPD.)

He wants to talk about your future together, but you're not sure that there is a future with him. He's pressuring you to move in together, but you're not sure if that's a good idea. And he's threatening that if you don't, then the relationship is over.    If you're unsure now, it's going to be a lot harder to leave if it doesn't work out. What would an emotionally healthy man who wants to live with you say if you were uncertain about moving in together?

You don't want to think you've failed at the relationship. You care about him and don't want him to suffer, but at the same time, you're overwhelmed by the turmoil he creates and are not sure that you want to immerse yourself any deeper in it. Then you're concerned about what he might do if you don't consent to moving in with him.

If you're hoping to placate him and keep him from harming himself, how would he feel about your motivation for living together if he knew this?  What would you need to have in order to feel that you had a good foundation for a healthy relationship?

[AskingWhy]

I feel completely conflicted right now.

I've been away travelling for 4 months and during that time our relationship really took beating. In the first two months, I was ignored for days on end, shunned, and he took absolutely no interest in anything I was doing because he deemed it as me rubbing things in his face- but at the time I was still completely devoted to making this relationship work so I let everything go over my head, I apologised constantly, I tried to behave as normally as I could in the face of the silence. The next two months were even worse- constant conflict between us, arguing and crying almost every day, basically on the brink of a break up- I became physically stressed every time I had to call him (which I had schedule in a time at and stick to it rigidly, if I didn't, cue the next argument) or whenever I saw his name flash up on my phone screen. Within the last two months, my view on the relationship did a complete 180. I started arguing back because I was completely sick of being accused of things, called selfish, not caring, etc etc. I was just constantly waiting for the next thing to set him off.

inthemiddle1, your attitude taking that "180" means you have looked in yourself and seen you are not the problem.  The issues are not about you.  Your arguing back is a sign of your awakening to the bewildering challenges of a BPD partner.  You are now empowering yourself and no longer allowing yourself to be a punching bag. 

It appears to me that your BF is projecting on you for the hurt of his past emotional injuries.  You did not cause them.  This is your epiphany.

Your saying your were waiting for the next thing to "set him off."  That is precisely what is meant by "walking on eggshells."

I am in a 20+ year marriage with a uBPD/uNPD man and I did not get this wake-up until recently.  H raged, name-called, broke furniture, threatened divorce, punched holes in walls, etc.   Recently my H went on a long business trip and seemed to want a fresh start when he returned.  Within days, however, he was back to micromanaging my life, ordering me around, and being emotionally enmeshed with his adult children, then dysregulating with smashing things.  (He really gets this awe-struck, enamoured, dreamy look on his face when he is with his children.)

Understanding the dynamics of BPD is the start.  You might have to see how your BF will fit into your professional future.

That said, you will have the lives of your innocent patients in your hands.  Drama in a r/s with a pwBPD is soul-rendering.  Please look at what Enabler has written.  Your future professional life should be considered.

[inthemiddle1]

What happens for example if you were to move into his place and be financially supported by him, took a job in town and then he had a bust-up with a friend of his and decides he wants to kick you out for a few weeks until he changes his mind?

This has been a worry of mine, however I don't think he will kick me out as he knows I will have nowhere else to go. He would simply just lock himself in a room and come out whenever he's ready, possibly ignoring me for the rest of the day, but this is just a speculation, as I have never lived with him without having the escape of another house down the road.

Would it be safe to say that you feel a fair amount of anxiety as to how he is feeling?

Completely, I'm always anxious as to what mood he will wake up in the morning. I'm always anxious about what I say to him over the phone because one wrong step just means we return to square one and no longer have the energy to want to rectify the relationship like I once did.

If you're hoping to placate him and keep him from harming himself, how would he feel about your motivation for living together if he knew this?  What would you need to have in order to feel that you had a good foundation for a healthy relationship?

I've spoken to him about this. I've tried to explain to him that my love and the fact that I don't want to move in with him is independent of each other. But he doesn't see it that way, he believes that if I love him I should want to move in with him and also that because that's what would make him happy I should at least consider it... .I've also said to him in the past that I would feel more comfortable about moving in with him in say another years time, but again he refutes this because he can't do 'long distance' (I'm only 2 hours away, not really that long distance) but I know a lot of the time couples who rush into moving together rarely stay together.

Recently my H went on a long business trip and seemed to want a fresh start when he returned.  Within days, however, he was back to micromanaging my life, ordering me around, and being emotionally enmeshed with his adult children, then dysregulating with smashing things.

I really do want to believe my bf when he says he wants a fresh start and wants to try harder not to argue, which I have had evidence of that he is trying, but I am also scared that it will revert back so quickly if I move in, just like your situation.

[Enabler]

But he doesn't see it that way, he believes that if I love him I should want to move in with him and also that because that's what would make him happy I should at least consider it... .I've also said to him in the past that I would feel more comfortable about moving in with him in say another years time, but again he refutes this because he can't do 'long distance' (I'm only 2 hours away, not really that long distance) but I know a lot of the time couples who rush into moving together rarely stay together.

I really do want to believe my bf when he says he wants a fresh start and wants to try harder not to argue, which I have had evidence of that he is trying, but I am also scared that it will revert back so quickly if I move in, just like your situation.

I recommend that you listen to your fears, I think they are speaking volumes here.

The above interaction where he defines what does and doesn't represent love is interesting... .is it interesting to you? Does it confuse you how someone else can define the intent of your actions, motivations and feelings? Could you read the link below and tell me what you think is happening in this transaction.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

I appreciate that you hear and maybe see effort on his part to change and for a time he can be different. However, what assurances do you have that these behaviours will not return, especially when the incentive of getting you to move in is no longer there, because you have. Given the disruptions in the initial stages of your relationship would it be wise to gain certainty that there has been a long term change rather than a temporary mask. Would you trust an alcoholic with you wine collection days after they'd quit drinking or would you leave it several years... .maybe never. You have a duty to yourself and him to be yourself, he has a duty to you to be himself, a relationship built on the foundations of masks and forced FOG isn't stable... .I believe I'm qualified to say this after 21years of chaos in my relationship with my W. I am not damning the relationship, it is not my job or intention to do that, however, you have raised many issues here without provocation, issues that have the potential to expand rather than contract in the years to come. My belief is that you need to address those issues and tidy up the foundations of your relationship NOW else they will manifest themselves throughout your time together in the future. If you cannot gain certainty that those issues are addressed for the long term, you have to make a decision whether or not YOU can live with these problems (getting much much worse) and others in the future. YOU cannot make any assumptions HE will change.

Enabler

[inthemiddle1]

Given the disruptions in the initial stages of your relationship would it be wise to gain certainty that there has been a long term change rather than a temporary mask.

I expressed my concerns about this to him and he stated that the distance was causing the problems so the solution would be moving in so we can sort problems out face to face instead.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

This article shows that I have definitely been the enabler in all of this and unintentionally rewarding his guilt trips and emotional blackmails by giving in, even if I do fight against it at first, I always seem to get worn down and coerced into giving in.

I think I just need to stop being a coward about things and to sit down and have a chat and re-explain all of my fears and worries about moving in and stick to my guns about it and deal with the repercussions. It's just a very stressful and frightening experience (not that I fear that he will ever physically hurt me) but because it has the potential to become a highly emotional encounter on both parts and I am so emotionally spent all the time now that I find these situations harder and harder to deal with... .

Thanks for your help Enabler.

[Notwendy]

I think you are clear on your concerns about moving in with him, but fear the effect of telling this to him. It's a choice between being true to yourself and hurting his feelings. That's a tough one because you do care for him, but you also need to care about yourself.

I will throw another question into this mix for you. You are planning to apply to veterinary school. In the US, and I assume where you are as well- these programs are extremely competitive and if you are accepted, that is a huge accomplishment. Once you are there- they are also strenuous and time consuming. You will basically be in class and studying most of the time. Learning about different animals may require some travel, and also irregular and long hours taking care of sick animals. How would this impact your relationship? How would this impact you if you were not available to your BF when he wanted you to be?  How do you think your goals could be impacted by trying to manage this relationship while being a vet student?

You are 23 years old. You fear that you failed your BF by not wanting to settle down with him, but truly, are you ready to settle down with anyone at this point or do you wish to have the freedom to focus mainly on your future studies? You do have the right to make what choices are best for you and consider where you are in life when deciding to settle down with someone for the long run.

[Enabler]

I think I just need to stop being a coward about things and to sit down and have a chat and re-explain all of my fears and worries about moving in and stick to my guns about it and deal with the repercussions. It's just a very stressful and frightening experience (not that I fear that he will ever physically hurt me) but because it has the potential to become a highly emotional encounter on both parts and I am so emotionally spent all the time now that I find these situations harder and harder to deal with... .

I don't think you're a coward, I just think you have troubles pinpointing where you end and he begins. I think you lack the confidence in asserting what you do know already, what is your sh!t and what's his sh!t to deal with. Maybe you did know before but he has pushed and pulled at your perimeter fence posts, broken the fence down and is now trampling all over your lady garden... .(sorry, thought I would slip a bit of humor into the conversation   ). No one here is suggesting you turn into some horrible b!tch overnight, that's not what it's about, you strike me as a lovely kind young woman who is well meaning... .but some people will subconsciously take advantage of your wonderful character traits to make you adopt responsibility for their emotional fallout.

Welcome to BOUNDARIES 

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Notwendy has made some excellent points for consideration. I'd like to add to them if I may. When you have a little daydream about what your ultimate life partner would be like, is one of the things you might hope for is someone who is additive and supportive to your life. Someone that supports you (and that may include being critical of you) in being the best possible YOU? In many respects my W and I are ying and yang, when things are good in our relationship they are awesome, she can spend hours researching villas across France to find the perfect one, she will spot all the imperfections and pitfalls. When we arrive she's read the guide books and suggests the most divine places to visit... .I on the other hand, pay for everything, tell her what the budget is, sort out the car, drive us there and work out the route and logistically work out how we're going to cram in all the wonderful things she wants to do into 2 weeks... .BUT... .I have wasted years and years and years of my life dealing with this thing I now know to be called BPD. I have spent more time than I care to remember passing up opportunities which might hurt her feelings or cause her to dysregulate. I have spent 21+yrs adopting the guilt, shame and responsibility for her negative emotions that were nothing to do with me and not in my control. I have spent countless hours defending myself from accusations ranging from the trivial to the severe.

I'm not 23 anymore, I'm 40 next month... .if I knew what you knew now when I was 23 I'd have to ask myself some serious questions about whether or not my W would help me maximise my potential or constrain me. Answering that question now I would say, at times she has maximised but others she has certainly left my life debilitated.

Look forward to hearing your thoughts on Boundaries

Enabler

[inthemiddle1]

I will throw another question into this mix for you. You are planning to apply to veterinary school. In the US, and I assume where you are as well- these programs are extremely competitive and if you are accepted, that is a huge accomplishment. Once you are there- they are also strenuous and time consuming. You will basically be in class and studying most of the time. Learning about different animals may require some travel, and also irregular and long hours taking care of sick animals. How would this impact your relationship? How would this impact you if you were not available to your BF when he wanted you to be?  How do you think your goals could be impacted by trying to manage this relationship while being a vet student?

I must admit this isn't something that I'd immediately thought on as there was a possibility that he would applying for a physiotherapy course in the same year and so would be busy with studying as well. I really don't know how this dynamic would turn out for our relationship, but I can imagine the stress of studying also would present some problems in itself as it naturally would with any relationship.

You fear that you failed your BF by not wanting to settle down with him, but truly, are you ready to settle down with anyone at this point or do you wish to have the freedom to focus mainly on your future studies?

This has also been a concern of mine. I do fear that I will be used as 'house wife' whilst he's out and work, as I know he can find it hard to juggle full time work, clean a whole house, cook for himself and look after a dog on his own. Of course I would try to help out, but my concern is that he would push most of that responsibility on me as he comes home from work generally mentally and emotionally exhausted and then I will be unable to have the time to complete any of the work experience that I should be doing in order to apply for the next year.

Thanks Notwendy for your insight

I think you lack the confidence in asserting what you do know already, what is your sh!t and what's his sh!t to deal with. Maybe you did know before but he has pushed and pulled at your perimeter fence posts, broken the fence down and is now trampling all over your lady garden... .(sorry, thought I would slip a bit of humor into the conversation  ).

I definitely struggle with setting boundaries and staying true to them, I am generally quite a submissive and definitely struggle with assertiveness in relationships (this includes family, friends and boyfriends) and so can feel easily overpowered in the face of conflict and disagreement, especially when there are a lot of emotions involved as I really hate hurting people's feelings. Thanks for the humour, it did make me laugh in the midst of this otherwise serious topic 

When you have a little daydream about what your ultimate life partner would be like, is one of the things you might hope for is someone who is additive and supportive to your life. Someone that supports you (and that may include being critical of you) in being the best possible YOU?

This is a common subject amongst my family and friends when they see how upset I am about this relationship. I have been told many times by my close friend and my family that they have seen me cry more times in the last year than they ever have since they've known me. During some of my darkest periods, I really started to question who I was and whether I really was a good, caring person, I started to believe all the accusations and name-calling even though I knew that these couldn't be true. Everyone who has met me has never said any of those things, so why did I start believing and doubting in myself? I don't believe that any healthy relationship should ever make you question and doubt who you are as a person. But I suppose I put up with this because maybe I thought I deserving of that treatment and because of other redeeming qualities- his generosity, his willingness to do as much as he could to help people, and his help in other areas of my life (for example, looking into information and getting contacts for my application whilst I was unable to when travelling).

[Notwendy]

Do you know any veterinary students? It might help for you to get to know some and ask them about how school is going for them. It will give you an idea about how much time is left over for household tasks, relationships and even sleeping. How will you handle having a big test the next day and BF is having a bad day and creating drama? What I am getting at is that at times, vet students ( and any student in an academically demanding graduate program, or military, or strenuous job) need to make school their main priority. They don't have a lot of time to even take care of themselves, let alone someone else. Some graduate students have relationships and families, and academics places an added stress on relationships. If both partners can share the goal that the student's success is for the ultimate good of the family, they can be supportive, but if they are needy and self centered, they can add more stress.

Yes - he does some nice things for you. I think very few relationships are all good or all bad and neither are people with BPD all good or all bad. Few of us would be here if the pwBPD in our lives were completely horrible- they have attractive qualities too and this adds to the struggle to stay or leave. However, at 23 you get to choose what kind of relationship you want, and when is a good time. Even with his good points, this seems to be an emotionally demanding relationship and how much do you want to put on your plate when you hope to start a program that is also demanding?

[formflier]

 but I can imagine the stress of studying also would present some problems in itself as it naturally would with any relationship.
 

I'm not suggesting that all or any relationships are "stress free", yet this jumped out at me as "accepting" that there will be "stress incidents" or "bad behavior caused by stress".

What if you focused primarily on the studying?  When you do have precious time together, focus on enjoying it, vice fighting or bickering.

And... .most importantly if he chooses to fight and bicker, remember that you have a choice to do something else.  Enabler was spot on to bring up boundaries.

I wonder what you can do to have better boundaries?

FF

[Notwendy]

FF- it isn't accepting unacceptable behavior. It's acknowledging that a large amount of time away from a relationship can put stress on it. I am not predicting the behavior of each partner, but stating that, there is a potential stress due to the time commitment of an academically demanding program on any couple. How each couple handles it is individual.

Yes, boundaries are important, but it could be hard to study if interrupted by an upset partner.  If he needs a lot of attention, will there be time for it? 

[Enabler]

During some of my darkest periods, I really started to question who I was and whether I really was a good, caring person, I started to believe all the accusations and name-calling even though I knew that these couldn't be true. Everyone who has met me has never said any of those things, so why did I start believing and doubting in myself? I don't believe that any healthy relationship should ever make you question and doubt who you are as a person. But I suppose I put up with this because maybe I thought I deserving of that treatment and because of other redeeming qualities... .

Please re-read and re-read and re-read this over and over and over and over again.

If someone said this to you, what would you say to them?

Adding again to Notwendy's points about spare time during your college course. How do you want to be spending that time? How do your peers spend their spare time?

There's a zillion different life pressures on you at the moment, decisions all over the place and I don't want to add to those, BUT, choices you make now have ripple effects on your future and given what you've said about your personality, how much easier/harder is it going to be to change direction further down the line when maybe have to hurt peoples feelings more.

[Notwendy]

I think you have stated your concerns about the relationship very clearly, including this one:

This has also been a concern of mine. I do fear that I will be used as 'house wife' whilst he's out and work, as I know he can find it hard to juggle full time work, clean a whole house, cook for himself and look after a dog on his own. Of course I would try to help out, but my concern is that he would push most of that responsibility on me as he comes home from work generally mentally and emotionally exhausted and then I will be unable to have the time to complete any of the work experience that I should be doing in order to apply for the next year.



My next question isn't about him, but about you. You have clearly stated your concerns and also other people's concerns for you. Why is it that you are considering putting these concerns aside?

Many of us are in difficult relationships not because we didn't have concerns, but that we chose to ignore them.

People do not change after a relationship gets serious or there is marriage. In fact, it can happen that the more a person with BPD feels is secure, the more the behaviors manifest themselves. However, I think even if that happens, we can see that there were signs before but we ignored them.

This is about your relationship with you. Some of us grew up in dysfunctional families ( I did) where I learned to ignore my feelings and put my own needs aside for the betterment of someone else. I somehow felt that was selfish, but it was really self destructive. We can love ourselves and honor who we are too while being caring people in relationships, but to have a relationship where our partner is able to truly support the best in us too- we have to first choose to honor the best path for us ourselves. The more we sell ourselves out for the sake of a relationship- the more we tend to lose ourselves in one.

The reason why I ask you this is not just for this relationship but for any one you might have in the future. At your age, I was single but I already had a pattern of enabling and selling myself short for other people because I felt I needed to do that to be loved. I was not aware of this at your age, but if you are aware of it now, this can help keep you on the track for achieving your own goals.

This is not about whether your BF has good or bad qualities. When we date, we look for compatible partners in many ways. There are no perfect people, so we can ignore things like if they don't put the toothpaste cap on, or they like sports and we don't, or they have a few extra pounds on them, but if someone is making us cry frequently, or don't share important core values, I think we should not ignore that.

You are a caring person. I hope you will also put yourself as a recipient of that care, no matter what you decide about this relationship.

Your BF is not a child. If he wants a clean house and cooked dinner, or someone to take care of his dog, he can do it himself. You don't have to move in to do it for him.

[Cat Familiar]

I'll add to Notwendy's point about veterinary practice. One of my horse vets told me that equine veterinarians have a 80% divorce rate. Both he and his wife were horse vets and when they decided to start a family, they both switched to small animal practice, so the erratic hours wouldn't wreak havoc on their family.

For those of us in our local community who really loved him as a horse vet, we were very sad to lose him, but happy that he was going to be a dad and that he had joined a nearby veterinary practice and was still in our area.

When you have an emergency with a large animal, day or night, we tremendously value our local vets who will drop everything and show up. This has got to be a tremendous burden on them personally, but it's part of the job.

I can't imagine that a partner with BPD would be understanding about this. Already, your BF seems to make unreasonable demands upon you. Can you imagine how it would be, should you decide you want to be a large animal vet and have to drop everything you're doing at a moment's notice from time to time?

In addition, everything I've heard about vet school indicates that it takes a tremendous amount of time and focus. Taking care of a house and cooking dinner does not seem remotely possible in addition to attending lectures, studying and of course, hands on practice.

My belief is if someone really loves another, they support that individual's dreams and they don't use threats and manipulations to get what they want.

[formflier]

 

Many of us are in difficult relationships not because we didn't have concerns, but that we chose to ignore them.
 

Focus on the bold. 

You have clearly identified things that "just aren't going to work".  And now the question falls to you.  What are you going to do about this?

That will likely bring up the question of... ."what will my BF do about me doing something about my concerns?"  (another valid question to consider)

To answer that question... go to your relationship history.  When you have brought up concerns before how did that work out?  What did he say?  What did he do?  Did his actions match what he said?

Did you feel there was a "spirit of compromise"?

Good job narrowing down your concerns... .       Very wise of you.

FF

[inthemiddle1]

Just an update!

So, it's been a couple of days since I brought up the dreaded subject of not moving in... .As expected, there were extremely heightened emotions involved, it was all a bit of a rollercoaster with him being angry, upset, understanding, accusatory, distraught, back to angry again, back to upset, etc, etc. However in the end he seemed to be quite logical about it and said that although I'd really hurt him and he understood where I was coming from. It's continued to be a rollercoaster of emotions surrounding the subject with him see-sawing between emotional and logical thinking, but ultimately he has agreed to try and work things long distance. That's not to say I still get continual guilt trips, pleads, bargains and accusations thrown at me still, but I feel more comfortable in this relationship than I have done in a while and am willing to try and help this relationship continue to grow as much as I can. I am slightly concerned about how the distance will affect his mental health and in turn our relationship (and possibly my own mental health), but maybe I will have to cross that next bridge when I come to it. Like someone said in the replies (I forgot who, sorry!) I cannot justify moving in with someone whom I don't have a strong foundation with, I need that security before I even consider moving in with someone for the long term... .He was using moving in as a starting block for our relationship and not a next step, which would never work!

[Chitchat]

It sounds like the four months away did some good, but that the perspective you gained is fragile. Reduce contact?

[Enabler]

Well done, that must have been a very challenging conversation but it sounds like you took the bull by the horns and rode your own emotional ups and downs whilst observing his.

It is very tempting to get embroiled in his emotional rollercoaster. I hope you know by some of the reading you have done that his emotional rollercoaster is likely to be more unpredictable and more volatile than others (liable emotions)... .it’s best to observe their emotions but do not link yours to theirs.

How are you getting on reading about boundaries? I suspect there will come a point soon when you need to assert your boundary a bit better such that he doesn’t feel it’s okay to guilt trip or emotionally balckmail you.

[Cat Familiar]

Excellent that amidst the blaming, he could be logical and understand your position!

I would encourage you not to take on any responsibility for “hurting him” just for following your own wisdom and being true to yourself.

It’s good that you’re seeing the importance of having a strong foundation before you even consider living with someone! 

Dating is all about testing out whether a relationship is right for both parties. Long distance relationships have some obstacles but if it’s meant to be, you’ll get through it, long distance or not.

In the meantime, I hope you’re reading other people’s stories here. A relationship with a pwBPD is not something to enter into lightly.

Cat

[inthemiddle1]

How are you getting on reading about boundaries? I suspect there will come a point soon when you need to assert your boundary a bit better such that he doesn’t feel it’s okay to guilt trip or emotionally balckmail you.

I have definitely read around the subject but still need to re-read and re-read again I think to really understand and implement my own boundaries!

I would encourage you not to take on any responsibility for “hurting him” just for following your own wisdom and being true to yourself.

This was something I did do when he blamed me for hurting him so badly. I really tried to re-tell myself the 3 C's: I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it... .I'm going to try and make an effort to stop being submissive and look out for myself for once!

[Cat Familiar]

As someone who was previously "boundary-less," I'll tell you that having them makes life easier, not just in a relationship with a pwBPD, but with everybody.

I used to think that I was being polite, kind and helpful to let people run over me, but that's far from the truth. Then I wondered why they'd do that. Well, it was because I let them. Now I'm treated with much more respect and I don't let things get so far out of hand.

PwBPD are similar to children in that they need clear lines to be drawn. Otherwise they will push and push and creep into your business. No is a complete sentence.