Evolving: the key to getting over an ex

[Getoverit]

Hello! I want to write about evolving and how it has helped me get over my ex. Most of you here are not just aware of how toxic these relationships are, but also struggle with leaving and overcoming all the trauma. If you're like me, you also have felt terrible about taking care of your needs first. What has helped me over time is reminding myself that I need to evolve--just as I had demanded and wished for him to change, I too needed that because the relationship sucked and something had to be done. Since I can't change him and I finally accepted that, I had to be the one to examine my behavior, my thought patterns, and once I did it became easier to see how I was better off without him. And if I'm forced to question what is best for him I conclude that he better off without me too. You see, the key to getting over an ex, I think, is to focus on yourself and be honest with who you are, not who you think you are. When you dedicate most of your time to improving your own health it is almost like a light switch is turned on. Yes, just like that you "see the light" and you come to understand that healthy relationships do not require so much interrogation. I believe you can evolve to a better emotional state whereby you treat yourself as you would like others to treat you. It all begins with you. Bless you all BPD family.

[Baglady]

Thanks so much G,
Your words really, really resonated with me when I really needed them today (on what would have been my wedding anniversary if we hadn't divorced earlier this year ). 
Warmly,
B

[SerendipityChild]

You see, the key to getting over an ex, I think, is to focus on yourself and be honest with who you are, not who you think you are. When you dedicate most of your time to improving your own health it is almost like a light switch is turned on. Yes, just like that you "see the light" and you come to understand that healthy relationships do not require so much interrogation. I believe you can evolve to a better emotional state whereby you treat yourself as you would like others to treat you.

Thank you GetOverIt... .I fully agree and that is what I have been doing as of late. Taking care of myself. Started getting up early to walk my dog as opposed to sleeping in and feeling lethargic and depressed when I wake up.
I have treated myself with a spa, flushing all the toxins out.  I have also been detoxing my mind of thoughts of him... .haha! But it isn't easy. I find it annoying to think of him now and when it happens I quickly start doing  chores around my apartment to distract myself.
I am trying to take back the "old" me- confident, happy, content and sexy=)
Cheers.

[SerendipityChild]

Thanks so much G,
Your words really, really resonated with me when I really needed them today (on what would have been my wedding anniversary if we hadn't divorced earlier this year ). 
Warmly,
B

Big hugs to you BL... .we are all here for support. Keep writing and pouring your feelings out over this site. Have a nice day!

[Baglady]

Thanks S!
The folks on this website have been such a lifeline!

[mama-wolf]

If you're like me, you also have felt terrible about taking care of your needs first.

You see, the key to getting over an ex, I think, is to focus on yourself and be honest with who you are, not who you think you are.

What a powerful statement.  I know that who I think I am has been defined and shaped a lot by my uBPDstbxw's distortions and accusations.  I think I am selfish for taking care of my needs, focusing on myself, and standing up for my own boundaries, stability, financial security, and (maybe someday) happiness.  But that's because that's how my uBPDstbxw sees me.

Being honest about who I am would require me to accept that I really am not as bad of a person as I think I am.  That I am not really an abandoner across the board just because I finally realized I could no longer stay in this marriage with a pwBPD.  (My T helped point that particular fact out to me on Tuesday... .just because my uBPDstbxw feels abandoned doesn't mean I abandon people.  I got myself out of a bad situation.)

Being honest about who I am would require that I acknowledge the truly terrible impact my uBPDstbxw has had on my mental and emotional well-being, and accept that it's not a matter of me "letting" that happen... .it's not because I am stupid, or weak.  I came in contact with a highly destructive force through no fault or deficit of my own.  And just because I now need support, am working with a therapist, am accepting help from family and friends, that's not because I'm needy and incapable.

I can say/write these things, but I'm still working very hard to be able to truly internalize them.  And most of the above is about accepting who I am not, but I still need to work more on figuring out (remembering?) who I am.

mw

[Mustbeabetterway]

Thanks for this thread, Getoverit.  You hit the nail on the head.  We must evolve.  I have been unpeeling the layers.  My emotions were so submerged and it has been difficult getting to the heart of the matter.  But, after a lot of work and therapy I am becoming my own source of approval.  I have come to realize that I can make decisions for myself and live with them.  I don't need agreement or consensus or approval from anyone else.     I feel good just typing that.

Mustbeabetterway 

[SerendipityChild]

And the evolution begins... .not that we all should change who we truly are personally, but to slowly dust off those ugly and sad parts caused by our ex-BPDs until we become our old selves. Genuinely good, kind, giving and strong. It’s like a hurricane has come and gone trying to destroy a house. We clean up what’s left of it then start to rebuild. Not sure if that’s a good analogy but it somehow makes sense to me=)

[Lostinthedesert]

This is so true and really important for all of us to remember that were were not just weak or incapable when we met these people... .maybe vulnerable, but that is human.  I also agree that just because our ex's feel abandoned does not mean it is our fault... .they are always going to feel that way!  I want to remind myself that I did the most ethical, caring, and responsible thing by removing myself from a very unhealthy relationship.  Doing so allows me to grow and heal, and allows my ex to do whatever she also needs to do.  It has been three months now since I last saw her and I have maintained NC for over two months.  I am proud of that accomplishment, even if I am surely not fully healed, but working so very hard on getting stronger and evoling!