How Do You Mend a Broken Heart?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello everyone!

I have gotten some very good advice and knowledge on this forum and I appreciate each and every one of you that have replied to my posts along the way.

I'm writing this now because I am feeling stumped at this point.  There are so many things that are simply facts that we need to accept, such as we can only control ourselves, we cannot change the pwBPD in our lives, we cannot change the situation, my son is a grown man and can make his own decisions, even if they are bad ones, they are his to make... .etc. 

I believe every single one of these things to be true.  However, my heart does not seem to be getting the message.  Just because there are things in our life that we do not have control over doesn't necessarily mean we stop hurting about them. 

So the logical part of my brain gets it.  The emotional part, still hurting at seeing and hearing what is going on in my son's life and his uBPD girlfriend and children.  It is heartbreaking. 

Does the logic finally turn into acceptance and you stop hurting about it?  If so, I must be really slow at this, because my heart is staying broken. 

Angie

[Angie59]

Hello everyone!

I have gotten some very good advice and knowledge on this forum and I appreciate each and every one of you that have replied to my posts along the way.

I'm writing this now because I am feeling stumped at this point.  There are so many things that are simply facts that we need to accept, such as we can only control ourselves, we cannot change the pwBPD in our lives, we cannot change the situation, my son is a grown man and can make his own decisions, even if they are bad ones, they are his to make... .etc. 

I believe every single one of these things to be true.  However, my heart does not seem to be getting the message.  Just because there are things in our life that we do not have control over doesn't necessarily mean we stop hurting about them. 

So the logical part of my brain gets it.  The emotional part, still hurting at seeing and hearing what is going on in my son's life and his uBPD girlfriend and children.  It is heartbreaking. 

Does the logic finally turn into acceptance and you stop hurting about it?  If so, I must be really slow at this, because my heart is staying broken. 

Angie

[Feeling Better]

Hi Angie59

“How do you mend a broken heart?” you ask, I’m not sure you can ever fully mend a broken heart.

I have followed your threads and have posted a few times in them, and I have to say that you have certainly come a long way, you recognise, as you say, that you have control over yourself only. You can only change your own behaviour, it is up to others to change theirs, and that is only when they recognise the need to change it.

You ask if the logic finally turns into acceptance and you stop hurting about it. I have wondered this too, and have asked myself so many times why I still feel so sad even though, like you, I can accept all the facts, yes logical brain is good at that, but emotional brain, well that’s another story. I think this is what makes us human, we can know and accept facts but knowing and accepting doesn’t necessarily take away the pain and the sadness caused by knowing those facts. We all have feelings. I think also there is the pain and sadness we feel in learning to let go. Letting go of the way that things used to be and also letting go of hopes and dreams of what the future would bring.

I have often wondered whether I have truly accepted the things in my life that I have no control over because of the sadness I feel, I like to think that it is part of my healing process and to be honest I think that there will always be an element of sadness in my life because things will never be the same again. And the fact that things will never be the same again does not mean that there is no hope x 

[Harri]

Hi Angie and Feeling Better.

FB wrote: 

to be honest I think that there will always be an element of sadness in my life because things will never be the same again. And the fact that things will never be the same again does not mean that there is no hope

Yes.  There will always be sadness but it does not have to be all consuming.  Letting go, acceptance... .it is all hard and painful to do Angie. 

Acceptance does not equal no pain.  In fact sometimes it means feeling more pain.  Acknowledging reality, our inability to control or fix things, letting go... .those are all painful and hard things to do.  So if you are expecting to get to a point of no pain, I don't think you (or anyone) will get there.  I do think you can get to a place where it is not devastating, soul crushing etc. 

Part of getting there is watching the way you frame your thoughts and beliefs and watching the words you use.  Instead of, for example, thinking 'this is so hard, I can never do it' say  'yep, this is hard, but I can and will do it'.  Sounds simplistic but it works.   I have no idea if that applies to you but it came to mind when reading your post.

[Learning2Thrive]

  Angie,

How was your RV trip? I’ve been wondering how you are doing. I’m so glad you’ve popped back in. You have definitely come so far since you first arrived here.  

How do you mend a broken heart?

It’s simple and yet it’s so very complicated, right?

Our brain comprehends what we are learning, but it takes time and often quite a lot of work, willpower and determination for the heart to catch up. A form of sadness may always linger.

For me—and me alone—the answer to your question is that I choose.

Every second of every minute of every hour of every day I have both the ability and responsibility to choose. I may choose to work hard and learn how to heal and fill my life up with healthy decisions and positive relationships; or, I may choose to remain in the same old cycles of denial, depression and dysfunction. I may choose to take care of myself by truly working to heal myself; or I may choose to try to soothe myself by using some old coping mechanism that is no longer appropriate. What works for me may not work at all for you.

There is no one size fits all answer except that each of us must choose.

I will say that — for me — getting more in touch with my own needs and taking good care of myself has made a huge difference in healing my broken heart. I like to ride my bicycle, it helps me focus on moving forward. Fresh air, sunshine and exercise help reduce stress and release endorphins that give me good feelings and hope. I like hiking, swimming and creative activities too.

What sort of things do you like to do, Angie?

I also think that letting go of old dreams does not mean we have to lose hope. It is possible to let go of our expectations of others, accept them as they are, respect their right to choose and remain open to hope for the future (provided it’s not agenda driven).

Are you seeing a therapist? They can so valuable in helping us see things more clearly.

  sending you gentle hugs and smiles,

  L2T

[Notwendy]

I don't think we control grief. I know it gets better over time, but there are moments. I agree with LTT that self care, building our own life, and changing focus is important, but also that we feel what we feel and it isn't an instant thing.

In my case it was my father but the grief was not only about his death, but that he had dismissed our relationship before he died. Your son is thankfully still alive. I don't think I could have stopped trying to connect with him until that wasn't possible anymore. I think you can, and still should have hope but not place your happiness on your son ( possibly) changing his mind.

I don't think I could have "mended" without help- counseling and also 12 step codependency groups. They may help you. In these groups I have met members who also had difficult relationships with their parents or grown children. Whether you choose counseling, a support group, or a 12 step group or all of this, I think having this is crucial.

It also helped me to see things from my father's perspective. Some of the men on the relationship board are married to women who are similar to my mother. Understanding their perspective helped me to not take it as personally- to see how truly difficult this situation was for my father and how he desperately tried to hold things together for his marriage and also for his children. He only had so much mental energy and resources to put into supporting the family, the kids, and caring for my mother. If he was put in a position to choose- he knew I was self sufficient- but he felt responsible for my mother. You are self sufficient but your grandchild is not. Your son is on the line there- and he is desperately trying to hold it together for his son and adopted daughter. This may hurt you,  but it isn't as intentional as the result of your son's situation. As much as you are hurting, it is likely a fraction of the stress your son may be experiencing. If he is rude, or snappy, or neglecting you it may be that he is overwhelmed.

Understanding him, forgiving him, and not taking this personally could help your feelings a lot. Having expectations about him may be expectations he isn't able to meet. I know you are sad for his situation, but only he can choose what to do about it.


I don't think mending a broken heart is on a time line. Take care of yourself, get support, plan out your goals such as this RV trip. Your son has his own path, and where it leads , you don't know. Just know that he isn't trying to hurt you, he's got a lot on his plate.

[Fie]

Hello Angie 


Like the others I've been following your story and I too think you have worked hard.

You are right when you say that sometimes our rational brain may understand something, but that doesn't mean that our heart does. Sometimes our feelings just don't follow !

We all have that.

Just yesterday I reacted to something someone I care about said, although I knew he didn't mean it the way I took it. My rational brain told me so. But my feelings didn't follow, I felt hurt.
I decided to be honest about it. I told him, listen, I may have overreacted, I know you didn't mean anything bad. But I felt triggered, my feelings got a little out of control.
Would you think that is something that you could apply with your son ? Being honest when you notice that you let yourself be carried away by your emotions ?

Did anything in specific happen between your son and you ?

Take care Angie.

[Angie59]

Just wanted to say thank you for all of your replies.  Such good advice and wisdom.  I was able to take something from each of you and put it in my toolbox in order to cope, adjust, accept the situation.  I have a lot of "me" work to do.

 
Angie

[Learning2Thrive]

Just wanted to say thank you for all of your replies.  Such good advice and wisdom.  I was able to take something from each of you and put it in my toolbox in order to cope, adjust, accept the situation.  I have a lot of "me" work to do.

 
Angie

We are all works in progress, Angie. This stuff is not easy, but it is so worthwhile. Please be kind to yourself.

It might be good to focus on one thing at a time so you don’t become overwhelmed.

I just want to add this encouragement:  Always remember that becoming your best you is the greatest gift you can give to yourself, your family, your friends and this world.

Hugs and smiles,

  L2T

[isilme]

There's no deadline for your heart to learn to accept what your mind is able to understand.  Time is the greatest coping tool there is.  You need time to grieve the relationships with family or others you did not get to have.  And just like when you grieve any loss, sometimes it just hits harder than others, no matter how much your brain might know "that was long ago," or "you "should" be over this by now." 

I think "should" is a terrible work overall.  It implies almost a failure of reality when things "should" be one way but they are another.  There is no time that your heart "should" be healed.  And healing doesn't mean there are no scars.  My arm that broke when I was 8 years old is "healed", but given the right stimulus, it still can ache and hurt. 

Your feelings about what you're learning will likely follow some aspects of the grief cycle, and not necessarily in any particular order.

Denial and Isolation
Anger
If only... ." thoughts
Depression
Acceptance 

I will be just fine, and then a random memory of being abused or neglected pops up, and suddenly I am back in this cycle.  But the point is I get out.  You will, too.  You have to give yourself permission to feel all of this, so your body can process it in a way that will help you overall.

You also have to realize that those of us who grew up in disordered environments, we all have a form of something like Stockholm's Syndrome.  I still have to fight the feeling that people treat me badly at times because I must deserve it.  I have had a long journey trying to accept I was let down by family because they were broken, and I wasn't (not in the same way, at least), and that's why I did not fit in their dynamic.  Healing and understanding is a lifelong journey, but like I said, it's not a race, there are no points for getting there "first". 

[Angie59]

I want to thank all of you for taking the time to reply.  It is really appreciated.

Hugs and best wishes,
Angie59