Do you think my mother has BPD? first time posting

[hello hello]

hello

i have just realised today that perhaps my mother has BPD. i am 37. i have been crying, but I am also feeling relieved that maybe i am not the bad person she always makes me out to be.

i wanted to share a few of the hurtful things she has done over the past 30 years, and from your experience, can you give me your opinions if you think perhaps it sounds like BPD? she will never seek medical help for it, ive told her that she might have anxiety and depression but she doesnt want help for it.

here are some of the indicators that makes me think she has BPD:

- she only treats me this way, im her daughter, then treats my brothers the total opposite, like they are angels. they dont really understand how i feel and always tell me to just be kind to her because shes my mum. so i end up feeling so guilty for even standing up to her.

- when i first met my now husband she told me she hated him, she didnt even know him and she said that he was a loser. we are so happily married, he is the kindest and most loving man. she never approved because he wasnt a doctor or lawyer... .

- she has no friends and hates pretty much everyone. she fights with her neighbour. she got fired from her last job on the basis that she was horrible to others.

- she deletes me as a friend off and on on facebook

- she bags me to my aunties, and to my brothers

- she divorced my dad in my twenties. they fought my entire childhood. she wanted me to hate him, she would always get upset with me if i was having fun with him. she still bags him to this day, she is now 70.

- i had my first baby, and one of the first things she said to me was that she didnt want to get close to the baby, to protect herself, because she might get hurt. hurt by me i guess. it broke my heart.

-when i graduated from architecture at university, i had my graduation ceremony where i graduated with honours. she came to the ceremony, reluctantly, im not sure why it was such an effort to come? Then the next day she was full of rage and angry at me that she had to come to it, and that i should be grateful she even came? it was very confusing for me i thought shed be so proud of me?

-the most hurtful thing that she has done my entire life is give me the silent treatment. it tends to happen around important occasions, most common on my birthday. she will sulk and not talk to me. i never know why or what it is ive done wrong. she wont tell me. it might happen for a few weeks and then one day suddenly shes my friend again like nothing has happened? if i ask her about it she says she doesnt remember. i remember she ignored me on my 21st and my 30th birthday. i felt pretty depressed.

- she would always yell at me, be unhappy with me, put me down, make me cry... .

lots more incidents but i guess these are the most hurtful. not as bad as a lot of the stories ive read in here but they still hurt a lot.

thank you for reading

[Harri]

Hello hello hello!  Okay, lame greetings aside, welcome to the board!  I am glad you found us and decided to post.  making that first post is a big step so congrats!  You are in a place where many of us can relate to the things you describe here. 

No one here can say if your Mom has BPD but it certainly sounds like she has some very difficult and hurtful behaviors that you have been dealing with.  It is not uncommon for pwBPD (people with BPD) to split one person 'black' or make them the scapegoat of the family.  That may be why your mother is so different with your brothers.  it is nothing to do with you and who you are however.  It more likely is related to how she sees herself and then projects that onto you. 

When you say she bags you to your aunt and brothers, what do you mean?  Does she blab personal stuff you share with her?

I found the silent treatment to be one of the hardest things to deal with until I learned that it had nothing to do with me and that it is a form of verbal abuse.  I mean it still hurt but i was so angry that I was able to use my anger to distance myself emotionally from it.

How much contact do you have with your mom?  Is it daily?  Do you live nearby? 

Please feel free to read, post, jump into threads, ask questions etc.  We are all here to support and listen and help each other.  It is good to have you with us.

[hello hello]

oh thank you so much Harri for your reply!

yes i am sort of the black sheep in my family i guess. my family are very religious, frugal, judgemental, whereas i like to have fun with friends, i dont like to judge, i still havent saved enough to buy a house, i eat out a lot, things like that  

shes very negative, so she complains to my aunties about me, and just puts me down. which makes me feel really awkward when i see the relatives, i dont really see them much but at weddings i just feel like shes told them what a bad daughter i have been and i feel so guilty and anxious around them.

my mum lives only 15 minutes away. i would normally try see her every few weeks but i havent seen her much lately as i believe she is going through one of her 'moods' where she is not happy with me.

it just destroys your self esteem doesnt it?

Hello hello hello!  Okay, lame greetings aside, welcome to the board!  I am glad you found us and decided to post.  making that first post is a big step so congrats!  You are in a place where many of us can relate to the things you describe here. 

No one here can say if your Mom has BPD but it certainly sounds like she has some very difficult and hurtful behaviors that you have been dealing with.  It is not uncommon for pwBPD (people with BPD) to split one person 'black' or make them the scapegoat of the family.  That may be why your mother is so different with your brothers.  it is nothing to do with you and who you are however.  It more likely is related to how she sees herself and then projects that onto you. 

When you say she bags you to your aunt and brothers, what do you mean?  Does she blab personal stuff you share with her?

I found the silent treatment to be one of the hardest things to deal with until I learned that it had nothing to do with me and that it is a form of verbal abuse.  I mean it still hurt but i was so angry that I was able to use my anger to distance myself emotionally from it.

How much contact do you have with your mom?  Is it daily?  Do you live nearby? 

Please feel free to read, post, jump into threads, ask questions etc.  We are all here to support and listen and help each other.  It is good to have you with us.

[Turkish]

As Harri said, no one here can say whether your mother has BPD for sure,  but we can make an educated guess,  as you did which is how at all ended up here.  

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder

Whether or not she meets a clinical diagnosis,  her behaviors are hurtful,  and I'm sorry that she's made you or to be the Black Sheep of the family.  You should be proud of your architecture degree and with honors even! Shame on your mother that she can't tell you that.  

Speaking of shame,  a person with the emotional disorder of BPD views the world through a distorted lens,  feeling shame themselves as a person.  Even if I knew nothing about BPD,  I'd read your story and think that your mother is jealous of you. What do you think? You must feel very alone in your family... .

It's sad that she can't share in the joy of having a grandchild. How old is your child now and his is that relationship?

[hello hello]

thanks so much for your reply, i am crying again just from your reply, i appreciate your time so much

i have been told by others also that perhaps she is jealous of me. i get along with my dad really well, she hates that and maybe she is shocked that i have a husband that loves me, and we love each other and get along so well? jealous that i was able to attend university when she never had that chance? jealous that i am at most times, happy?

i have two children now, one is three and one is seven, she does love them, but she refuses to open herself up to them. for example she has some toys and kids stuff at her house, but she once got rid of them all, i guess she didnt want to open herself up for hurt - in case she had a nice kids area there for them, and then she thought we might never visit her. she also once told me she thinks my kids dont like her. she has low self esteem, my kids love her to bits! how could a child not love their grand mother? no matter how much i reassure her we love her, she wont listen.

thanks so much for your thoughts. she definitely sees the world differently, everything is very negative to her. very hard to comprehend. she must feel so unhappy.

As Harri said, no one here can say whether your mother has BPD for sure,  but we can make an educated guess,  as you did which is how at all ended up here.  

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder

Whether or not she meets a clinical diagnosis,  her behaviors are hurtful,  and I'm sorry that she's made you or to be the Black Sheep of the family.  You should be proud of your architecture degree and with honors even! Shame on your mother that she can't tell you that.  

Speaking of shame,  a person with the emotional disorder of BPD views the world through a distorted lens,  feeling shame themselves as a person.  Even if I knew nothing about BPD,  I'd read your story and think that your mother is jealous of you. What do you think? You must feel very alone in your family... .

It's sad that she can't share in the joy of having a grandchild. How old is your child now and his is that relationship?

[Turkish]

I'm glad that your children love their grandma. They might start asking questions as they get older,  but we can help with that too, validating children.  

I didn't ever feel jealously from my mother,  but rather that I had never did quite well enough, which I realized was about her.  I far outdid her at an age she was when I was still a young teen living with her.  My uBPDx has telegraphed this emotional message to me as well,  including telling me I should buy a new car.  Me driving a 9 year old car is maybe embarrassing to her,  perhaps? "You can afford it!" What business are things like this to anybody but ourselves?

You sound like you have a great little nuclear family (and this is your primary family).  You should be proud of that.  

[hello hello]

yes i agree I know exactly what you mean Turkish - i love the motto: live and let live.

why does it matter if children achieve? isnt the greatest thing to be happy and healthy and to love one another? Sounds corny I know... .my mother always wanted me to become a lawyer. she didnt care that i was creative and loved art. nope. lawyer.

i dont care what my children become when they are older, i will only encourage them to follow their dreams.

thank you, yes my primary family is pretty awesome and youre right i need to focus on them, they are my everything, the family i always longed for

I'm glad that your children love their grandma. They might start asking questions as they get older,  but we can help with that too, validating children.  

I didn't ever feel jealously from my mother,  but rather that I had never did quite well enough, which I realized was about her.  I far outdid her at an age she was when I was still a young teen living with her.  My uBPDx has telegraphed this emotional message to me as well,  including telling me I should buy a new car.  Me driving a 9 year old car is maybe embarrassing to her,  perhaps? "You can afford it!" What business are things like this to anybody but ourselves?

You sound like you have a great little nuclear family (and this is your primary family).  You should be proud of that.  

[Turkish]

I'm struggling with this with my kids' mom.  My son, last year at 7, said he wanted to be a nurse, "to help people." I sensed his mom disappointed about this. Monetarily, nurses make good money a decade earlier than MDs, minus the massive debts. I sent salaries to their mom. 

While I wouldn't be happy of my kids were doing nothing but burning and surfing on the beach into their 20s, I would be most happy if they turned out to be decent and kind people,  and if they wanted to do missions or Peace Corps type things,  I'd be happy for them my goal as a parent is to raise kind kids with good values.

[hello hello]

i think thats a lovely aspiration to want to be a nurse. my seven year old wants to be a youtuber haha!

good values and kindness are so much more important.

I'm struggling with this with my kids' mom.  My son, last year at 7, said he wanted to be a nurse, "to help people." I sensed his mom disappointed about this. Monetarily, nurses make good money a decade earlier than MDs, minus the massive debts. I sent salaries to their mom. 

While I wouldn't be happy of my kids were doing nothing but burning and surfing on the beach into their 20s, I would be most happy if they turned out to be decent and kind people,  and if they wanted to do missions or Peace Corps type things,  I'd be happy for them my goal as a parent is to raise kind kids with good values.