My mother with BPD

[Zelena]

Hello everyone,

I'm not quite sure how this all works, but I shall give it a go.
A month ago, everything exploded once again in a family fight. Every single time I'm forced to run away from home and live in another town. I'm a student in Leuven and that's the place where I always go in these situations.
I'm 21 years old and I'm really sick of my family. My mother has all the power in the house and my psychologist thinks that she has BPD and maybe also an antisocial personality disorder. My father has also a sickness and I think that my oldest sister also has BPD. For me personally, it feels like I have been living in hell. I'm not good in telling my story, I'm very sorry.
Normally, I visit my family once a week because I feel very obligated to do so. My mother always shouts at me when I can't go, but I'm trying very hard to prevent such situations. She is always angry and I often don't understand why she behaves like that. She starts yelling at me and she even sends my dad towards me so that he would attack me (literally). When I stand up for myself, everyone yells at me. Last time, my father, mother and oldest sister all yelled at me for more than an hour and I didn't even say anything. They always laugh at me and they never apologize to me. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I don't belong in my own family. In my childhood, I couldn't even use the bathroom. My mother gave me two options: I can dress myself in my parents' bedroom or I can dress myself in the bathroom while my mother is using the toilet. In the morning, my mother always yelled at me that I was a stupid child and that I was always angry at her, while she was actually the one that was always angry. She was so mean that I'd rather sit in the cold for half an hour than to sit one more minute with her in the kitchen. Now that I can study in Leuven, I still feel that I can't live my own life. My mother still controls me in every way. She is always calling and always texting and always yelling at me. If I tell this to my other family members (uncle, aunt, grandmother,... ), they even won't believe me. They say that I don't have any respect for my parents and that I should apologize to them. My mother turns everyone against me. One day she yells at me and the other day she goes crying because of "my behaviour".  For me, she is a really mean person and I don't think of her as my mother any longer. She has bullied me throughout my childhood and she still does so.

[isilme]

I'm sorry.  You seem to have been the one in the family painted black, meaning you are the repository for all anger.  And it sounds like this applies to the whole family, not just your mom.

You are 21, and live at school much of the time I am guessing?  Do you work?  Can you manage without them?  I only ask because at your age, there is nothing wrong with simply not visiting anymore.  If you rely on them for money, it will be hard, but not impossible to break free.

I was disowned at 19 by my BPD abusive, ASD, dad.  Mom was already out of the picture from the divorce, and so I was technically on my own.  I will admit my BF at the time's parents (now husband) helped me as much as they could, and I was able to live in his apartment while I focused on school but worked in breaks.  I had a scholarship that covered all tuition and books, so I was able to just break free and it was one of the best things for me.  It hurt, I will not lie, it hurt then and it still hurts at times today in my 40s, but I needed it.  I needed out of that house, away from dad and his constant judgment, psychological games, and from being the whipping girl for his anger.

I found only by being away from them was I able to form any sort of "me". 

"Family" is not a magic word that means we have to take all that is handed to us from someone with shared DNA, or a shared home.

If you were dating someone who treated you like your om does, would anyone have an issue with you leaving?  No.  Just because she contributed part of your DNA does not mean she owns you or you have to keep visiting once you get to where you can just stop. 

I just wanted to say this to you, so you won't go through any of the crazy guilt I did for being disowned by people who didn't even want me really at all.  Why was I guilty?  I didn't do anything to deserve the treatment I got.  Neither have you. 

If I tell this to my other family members (uncle, aunt, grandmother,... ), they even won't believe me. They say that I don't have any respect for my parents and that I should apologize to them. My mother turns everyone against me.

When family members act like your mom, the "disease" extends to more than just her.  They are used to it.  They think it's "normal" and that it must be okay.  It's not.  I repeat:  It's not.  You are correct in being upset about this.  You are correct in not wanting to be around people who do not treat you well.  It is okay to decide to not be around them.

Only you know your circumstances, but I feel no qualms about encouraging you to find a way to NOT go back, at least for a while, and to work on you, getting stronger in you, becoming someone who knows this is not right, you don't deserve to be treated poorly, and build some boundaries to protect you should you decide to ever go back and visit. 

[Harri]

Hi Zelena and welcome to the board.  You have found a place where many of us can relate to aspects of your situation so you are in a great place to get support, understanding and information on how you can help yourself deal with your family as well as heal.

First, I want to ask if your father still attacks you?  Are you in physical danger when you go home?

As Isilme said, there is nothing wrong with cutting down the frequency of your visits.  Your mother may yell and get upset but you still do not need to visit every week.  We have communication tools that can help you get this message across and we have information on boundaries as well.  Both of these things can help you.  They won't prevent your mother or other family from being upset but they can help you focus on *you* and doing what you can to begin to separate emotionally.  You will get push back as you change your role in the family.  That is to be expected but do it anyway.  You are not responsible for their feelings.  Your situation is hard but you can change things for you.  For example, stop talking to your other family members about your mother.  I don't say that because I think you are wrong to do so, but because it sounds like they are not listening and are caught up in your moms dysfunction.  

This is a lot to take in.  Just know that change can happen but it begins with you making small changes in how you react and think about your mom and other family members.  learning about the disorder can help a lot in starting this process of disengaging emotionally.

keep posting, ask questions and connect with others here.  A lot of friends and family won't because they either can't see the issues or have not been in your shoes.  We get it here.

PS, you did a great job telling your story.  The first post is the hardest.

[AoiKoutei]

Hi Zelena, welcome to the board !

I may repeat what Harri and Isilme said, but I think it is important to hear the same things from different people.

First of all, don't forget that you are not alone. You may feel desperately alone in your "family", but you are not alone in this world, suffering from all these trauma. Look at all these topics on this board, for years and years. We are so many to live the same things. I am also 21 years old, my mother suffers from BPD and my father is stuck in a masochistic relationship with her. I can relate to how hard it is to live with abusive people, and asking yourself "what did I do to deserve that, to be born in this insane family ?".

I am very sorry that your sister and your collateral "family" don't bring you support and love. I use quotation marks because, as you said, your relatives are not what we usually define as a family. They are not an unconditional loving circle of relatives. Their love is only conditional, especially your mother's one.

Nevertheless, I see many encouraging and hopeful things in your situation.

First, you have gained a strong sense of your abuse. Despite that your whole family is pathological, you managed to see the light in the darkness and understand that what you are living is not normal. This could sound obvious, but many people are so brainwashed that they cannot realise they are stuck in a very abusive relationship. Hopefully, you have "woken up".

Second, you see a psychologist. Here again, many people don't dare to consult because they believe their situation is not "so terrible". But it is extremly important to be helped by a profesionnal because your situation is very serious and requires a long-term support.

Third, you have the ability to run away from home. You have a safe place to protect yourself from these abuses, which is essential because you seem to be at physical danger at home. I hope you will soon be able to move out permanently.

Fourth, you have posted on this board, which can be stressful at the first time. But it shows you have made a commtment to recovery from your abuse.

These four parameters are very important. They predict you are most likely to be able to escape from this pathological trap and rebuild yourself. You can be proud of yourself because you have already gone a good way.

Keep us posted about your situation and your sessions with your psychologist.
In the meantime, I would like to advise you a book that has been mind-blowing for me and which may be very helpful in your situation. It is "Understanding the borderline mother" by Christine Ann Lawson. I advise you this one, because your situation (overcontrolling mother + helpless father + no-good child / all-good child dynamic) is deeply treated by the author. You may find useful tools and gain a strong understanding about how your pathological "family" works.

AoiKoutei

[Learning2Thrive]

  Zelena,

Welcome to our family.   isilme, Harri and AoiKoutei have shared some excellent thoughts and information.

Most of all, I want you to know that are not alone. We are here to listen and support you. Keep posting, ask questions, check out the resources here —————->
Clicking on any of the statements opens to more information, lessons, etc. Take, for instance, this lesson on Safety First:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108307#msg1064891

Sending you positive energy, gentle hugs and smiles,

  L2T

[Zelena]

Dear Isilme

Thank you for your supporting message! It means very much to me. At the moment I’m still going to school, so I don’t really have a job. But I’m planning to do so in the nearby future.

I’m very sorry for the hard situation you have been living in. I understand how you feel and I feel the same about a lot of things. Just like you, I’m living together with my boyfriend. I’ve already promised him that I will pay every single penny back from the moment I have my job. Your message is so full of hope and I thank you for that. It’s great how you managed to build up your life again! Do you still have some contact with your mother?

I can understand why it’s so difficult to just break free, but sometimes it is indeed the best way. At the moment, I really don’t know what to do. The circle in my family just keeps repeating and repeating. Every time when it explodes, it hurts so much. I can see that my mother just destroys my father, but also the rest of my family and I cannot look at this any longer. I really miss that family where you read about in books or you see in movies. But I know that that will never be reality.

You’re very right that nobody deserves such a treatment. The worst part is that I’m always minimizing how things run in my family. It was very hard to give this little summary of my life because this is my reality, this is the truth. I’ve already tried to talk to them but I think that it’s pointless. I’ve already built some boundaries, but they just won’t respect them. They just laugh at me in my face.

When I’m alone with my boyfriend, It’s the most amazing feeling in the world. We have our own rules and there is mutual respect (like it should be!). But this situation also pulls me further and further away from my family. Every fight almost literally hits me in the face and I feel that I’m battling against my own mother.

[Zelena]

 Dear Harri

I’m really relieved to have found this place where I will find more information about my whole situation at home. My father has never really hurt me but that’s also because I haven’t given him the chance to do so. When he comes towards me, he first smashes his fist on the furniture and because of that I always run away. I don’t know what would happen if I stayed in such a situation. I really don’t feel safe at home, that part is certainly true.

The only thing that I can remember is that he had hit my mother several times when I was a child. I’m still traumatised because of that. It keeps on playing in my head. I think I was 10 years old at that moment. But I really felt heartbroken last time because of what my mother did. She knows how my father is and that he’s sometimes very aggressive, but she really “used” him the last time to attack me. It’s like she had trained him like a dog. She commanded him literally that he had to yell at me because I was the annoying one.

The only thing that keeps me going to my family is my little sister. I feel really guilty that I always have to leave her when something like this happens. She is 14 years old and she is like my best friend. My parents know this and I’m afraid that they will now hurt her to force me. My little sister has also cried and she once told me that she had to witness that my father was literally strangling my mother. Now, I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve already told so many people about my situation but nobody helps me.

Thank you for your kind message! I will keep this things in mind!

[Zelena]

Dear AoiKoutei

I can really relate to your question (“What did I do to deserve that, to be born in this insane family?”) I’ve always been asking the same question, to be honest I still do. It’s very hard to realise that your family actually doesn’t love you for the person you really are. I think I’m still waking up. The guilt sometimes drives me crazy and at some points I cannot even tell which person is kind or mean.

Unfortunately, I’m still not full aware of everything. I wasn’t comfortable at going to the psychologist, so I’m not going anymore. (I know I should be going, but I think that I’m not ready for that somehow)

Thank you for the reference! I will certainly read this book and I hope it will give me some more information. I also wanted to thank you for your kind message. Each message gives me a little more hope!