Help. How do I respond?

[HopelessBroken]

After being discarded last month  and being told by pwBPD that he’s dating and to never talk to him again I received an email this morning. He said he’s going to be at an event I’m going to be at and if I see him “please be respectful and do not speak to me.”

Why even tell me this? I desperately want to rekindle this relationship. How can I respond that will end favorably for me, if possible?

He’s recycled me several times and always seemed like he was testing how much I cared about him.

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[Educated_Guess]

Hi HB!  Your pwBPD ex seems to be doing a lot of things to keep you off balance.  First it was returning the gifts and now this.  He’s trying to keep the wound open and may even be trying to punish you by doing it.

This behavior will continue as long as he thinks he can control you with it.  You have to decide if you are willing to continue to be controlled.  I can offer advice but it is your decision to make.

What do you want for your life now?  You desperately want to get back with him but you also want your life to be stable again and to be able to function.  Given his behavior during your relationship and after, I don’t think you can have both at the same time.  You will not be able to have a stable life while in a relationship with him because he wants to keep you bewildered and off balance.  He has already shown you that. 

It comes down to deciding what is the most important to you.  There’s no judgement here on what decision you make.  I’ve been where you are and I understand how hard it is the make that decision. 

I wish peace for you.  Please keep asking questions and reaching out for help when you need it.  This is a wonderful group of people and we are here for you.  You are not alone.

[HopelessBroken]

I hope you know how much I appreciate your response. At this point, I will take the unstableness in order to get the relationship back. I want to respond in a way that will be favorable. What should I say?

[Educated_Guess]

I hope you know how much I appreciate your response. At this point, I will take the unstableness in order to get the relationship back. I want to respond in a way that will be favorable. What should I say?

Honey, I am the wrong person to be asking about what to say LOL.  Once my ex hit the devalue/discard stage, nothing I did or said could change her opinion of me.

But let's take a look at what your options are here.  You have some barriers to achieving what you want to achieve.  He has a new girlfriend and he is probably in the idealization/honeymoon phase with her.  He probably thinks she's the best thing since sliced bread and she is going to solve all his problems.  He is in the devalue stage with you and thinks you are all bad.  What can you do to make him change his mind?  I really don't know.

Let's look at how you can respond to this text where he has informed you that he will be in the same place and has asked that you do not speak to him.  One option is to respect his boundaries and not speak to him.  He will probably take that as evidence that you don't really care because you are not trying to make amends.  Keep in mind, this is distorted thinking.  Real, mature love means respecting the boundaries someone else has set.  But because of the distorted thinking pattern, if you respect his boundaries, he will think that you do not care.  This could be something that he learned in childhood if he had parents who were abusive and did not respect his boundaries.  That may be what love means to him because that is what he was taught.

You can also beg him to take you back either by text or at the event.  He will take this as evidence that you care (again, distorted thinking), but I don't know that it would mean enough for him to break up with the girlfriend that he is in a honeymoon phase with.  He may just enjoy seeing you beg because it feeds his ego.  He may see it as a just punishment for you, that you finally realized just how "bad" you really are and how "good" he is.  Again, this is distorted thinking.

And it is sadistic.  To get pleasure from punishing and humiliating another person is sadistic.  My own BPD ex turned sadistic during the devalue/discard stage.  I would have never would have thought that she would have been capable of that before.  But I saw it in her eyes when she was putting me down and trying to make me feel guilty - her eyes were like ice but there was the slightest smile at the corner of her mouth.  She enjoyed it.  And that's kinda evil; I'm not going to sugarcoat it.

At any rate, if he wants you to beg and he gets sadistic pleasure from it, he will probably just continue to put you in situations where you will beg just because of the pleasure and the ego boost he gets from it.  I don't know how you get from there to being back in a relationship again.  I couldn't figure that one out in my own break up.

That's the way I see your options right now.  My view may be colored by my own experience though and I recognize that.  Others may see it a different way and have different advice.

I have a couple of questions for you.  Do you believe that you deserve to be treated this way?  If so, for what reasons?  Also, what did you get from this man or from the relationship that is worth giving up the stability in your life?

[isilme]

I'd not respond at all.

If you go to the event, choose then if you say hi.  Be prepared for it to be weird.  Don't be clingy, that pushes them away as they feel engulfed.

He is goading you.  He is trying to make you react the way you always do, which likely is part of a push/pull game, which is not good for either of you.  He wants to be on your radar, so HE can choose if he recycles you or not.  But he does not want you feel "safe" or secure, so he says, "hey, think about me, but don't feel like we're a thing unless I say we are, okay?"

Many of their comments, their attempts to poke at us, are best met with silence.  We will invalidate them with some responses, or we will break our own boundaries. 

It's perfectly okay to NOT respond, and simply take it one day at a time, and let HIM be the one wondering for a change.  You are the only one who can alter the way your interactions go.  What would you normally want to say?  What's the harm in not replying?  What could a bonus be? 

[pearlsw]

Hi HopelessBroken,

This sounds painful and potentially very awkward. Do you work in the same field, socialize in the same circles? Will you be crossing paths like this from time to time going forward?

What would you want to do if you see him? Would you have wanted to talk to him? Had you completely been out of contact for the last month?

warmly, pearl.

[HopelessBroken]

So I decided not to respond. We do work in the same field and are in the same social circle. I was friends with him for years before dating him and I never saw any of this behavior.

The event today was something he’s never had interest in but he knew it was extremely important to me. So suddenly he’s going and tells me to respect him and not speak to him. Respect HIM? Yet I’ve been getting zero respect.

Your responses made me think. Why does someone get to treat me this way. I’ve let him treat me disrespectfully over and over. That’s not okay. And it’s a great question asking what I got out of this to be willing to give up stability. I was in a marriage for 17 years where I was basically alone. So I had a huge void. This man was alive, intense, complimented me, loved to go places and do things with me, try new things, he has a great family, great kids, he’s extremely attractive, extremely sexually compatible, expressed daily how in love he was and we planned a future together. All things that were missing from my marriage. To then get those things, hope and dreams ripped away feels devastating.

[HopelessBroken]

Oh, and Pearl... .he’s been randomly emailing me throughout the month and the contact always turns into me apologizing and telling him how much I love him and him telling me all the reasons I’m not good enough for him and how happy he is with his new relationship.  Never him taking any responsibility or sorry or incite or anything. It’s how I’m a terrible human being.

[pearlsw]

To then get those things, hope and dreams ripped away feels devastating.

Hi HB,

I've always found breakups very, very painful, but I must say the ones with BPD partners have a type of pain that is particular and extreme, in my experience. The suddenness, the extreme nature of of the them, the frequency, it is a lot for one's nervous system and your own mental health!

So you both went to the event but did not interact?

What next?

warmly, pearl.

[pearlsw]

Oh, and Pearl... .he’s been randomly emailing me throughout the month and the contact always turns into me apologizing and telling him how much I love him and him telling me all the reasons I’m not good enough for him and how happy he is with his new relationship.  Never him taking any responsibility or sorry or incite or anything. It’s how I’m a terrible human being.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear this! Clearly he's not that happy or why bother emailing you? I know how hard it is. Some people won't take any responsibility or give you a chance to truly mend things. I know that hurts!

Try to listen past the "junk"... .what does he say? What do you want to do?

take care, pearl.

[Educated_Guess]

Your responses made me think. Why does someone get to treat me this way. I’ve let him treat me disrespectfully over and over. That’s not okay. And it’s a great question asking what I got out of this to be willing to give up stability. I was in a marriage for 17 years where I was basically alone. So I had a huge void. This man was alive, intense, complimented me, loved to go places and do things with me, try new things, he has a great family, great kids, he’s extremely attractive, extremely sexually compatible, expressed daily how in love he was and we planned a future together. All things that were missing from my marriage. To then get those things, hope and dreams ripped away feels devastating.

HB, this is actually a wonderful thing to realize.  I totally relate to what you are saying.  My BPDex also seemed to fill the empty spaces within me and to do/be the things I felt were missing from my prior 10 year relationship.  I think that's why the love bombing worked so well on me.  Do you think it could be the same for you?

I understand what you are saying about how devastating it is to have your hopes and dreams ripped away. It really is like grieving a death.  Even though no person died, the future life you thought you were going to have is gone now.  It is like a death.

The good news is that he is not the only person in the world who likes to go places or try new things.  He is not the only way that you can experience those things again.  Are there other ways that you can meet those desires/needs?

[Coastered]

He is playing with you, he wants (in my opinion) to let you know he will be there.  I would personally look my dam best and ignore him but thats just me.  If he approaches you then you can take it from there!

I know how difficult this is, its heartbreaking, but you need to stop apologising and making all the efforts.

[HopelessBroken]

I don’t Think he went, I didn’t see him if he did. I was anxious the entire time.

I want to make the relationship work. I love this man and was so excited about our life. But he suddenly sees me as such a horrible person that I don’t know how to turn things around. He’s cold when I’ve spoken to him last week. The weeks after the discard he was going between love and hate. Now just hate.

The big issue I don’t know how to get past is he’s obsession of who I’ve cheated on him with and who I was with sexually before our relationship. I’ve been faithful and he is certain I’ve cheated. I’ve gone around and around in my mind and talked with him about why he might think this but it comes up every time he lashes out. I don’t know how to ever fix that.

[pearlsw]

I want to make the relationship work. I love this man and was so excited about our life. But he suddenly sees me as such a horrible person that I don’t know how to turn things around. He’s cold when I’ve spoken to him last week. The weeks after the discard he was going between love and hate. Now just hate.

Hi HopelessBroken,

I feel your pain it is hard when someone we love goes cold very suddenly! A lot of us end up in this limbo place you are in, and we are here with you. I know it is a very hard place to be - wanting someone, not sure if or how they might come back into your life, if there is any way to continue.

One thing to do when he contacts you is to keep things kind and low pressure. Do not engage in JADE-ing. (Don't JADE.)

Try to depersonalize, as best you can, the false accusations. They are a distortion of his brain, a lot of hot air in essence. I know they hurt though to hear them.   It naturally makes us want to JADE, but it won't work.

Can you tell us more about the accusations? What does he say exactly may I ask? Is he a jealous type?

Is he under some new stress? Does he have any reason he might feel abandoned or hurt in some way?

with compassion, pearl.  

[Coastered]

I don’t Think he went, I didn’t see him if he did. I was anxious the entire time.

I want to make the relationship work. I love this man and was so excited about our life. But he suddenly sees me as such a horrible person that I don’t know how to turn things around. He’s cold when I’ve spoken to him last week. The weeks after the discard he was going between love and hate. Now just hate.

The big issue I don’t know how to get past is he’s obsession of who I’ve cheated on him with and who I was with sexually before our relationship. I’ve been faithful and he is certain I’ve cheated. I’ve gone around and around in my mind and talked with him about why he might think this but it comes up every time he lashes out. I don’t know how to ever fix that.

Work on yourself not what he thinks about you, it is almost certainly an incorrect perception of reality.  You come across as someone who is compassionate, sweet, wants to give their all and has a lot to offer someone.  Make sure the effort you are putting in is worth it with this person.  From my experience, the more you ignore the more they wonder.  Not talking about no contact at the moment but very very little.  He knows where you are.

Please do not take anything of what he says as gospel.  He more than likely has a distorted reality of what has happened.  If you over analyse what he thinks you will make yourself ill.  Rarely a relationship breaks down because of one person alone.

[HopelessBroken]

You guys are so incredibly helpful. I hope you know how much I appreciate you.

I have several accusations that have been circled around:

I slept with his best friend (said I was too friendly with him when I met him).
I slept with his boss (I told him he looked familiar to me but didn’t know from where, When I was introduced to him at a wedding).
I told him two stories from my past (when we first starting dating) of my cousin that had been involved in an affair.( He accused me of actually being with the men).
I slept with a random man on a girls weekend (my friend was the one actually interested in him).
I slept with the aerobics instructor at our gym.
I only spent one week out of four with him in Florida this year so I could stay home and sleep with random men.
I’m still sleeping with my ex husband.
I’m still sleeping with the man I ended an affair with before we started dating.

Direct quote “ just tell me the number of guys you have been with while we have been together. Is it 40? 50?” “ you have made me lose years of sleep over this.”

One night he was threatening me over admitting I had slept with the above people. Dialing my ex husband and my mom on the other line to tell him what a whore I was. I told him I would admit to anything and to just stop scaring me. It was HORRIBLE. The next day wish he calmed down I had to explain I had not been with anyone and would have admitted to anything to calm him down.

The truth is I’ve been with only five people in my life, one is him.ive never had a one night stand.  And when I talk to him about the accusations he doesn’t even hear me. He talks over me and tells me that I’m a liar and it would “ feel so much better to just tell the truth.”

One thing that sticks with me, is for the short window after being threatened to admit to being with these people he kept saying “ see, you are just like me. We are so alike. We are both whores. You are just like me.”  It made me sick.

He told me after changing his story that he had slept with 20 women during his 18 year marriage. Several since being divorced. Women he didnt even know their names. He’s slept with two that I know of during our relationship. I don’t know if he’s projecting?

He did tell me he felt very rejected by his ex wife emotionally and sexually. Always felt not good enough. Had affairs but it didn’t make him feel better. He’s displayed very jealous tendencies  with me. Saying I am too friendly with men. Upset if I talk to male coworkers about personal stuff, upset that I had dinner with my 65yo retired male boss\mentor, says my interactions with men make them think I want to sleep with them, that he was worried I would flirt with another man in front of his family. Said I’m always looking for male attention. And if I change my behavior I’m just doing it around him. When I’m on my own im back to being flirty.

 Biggest fear is “ I would find a woman who I’m head over heals in love with and she will be cheating on me. Everyone will know except me. It will be karma from me having so many affairs.”

That was us, in love. Only I wasn’t cheating.

Lastly, stress yes. When he finally discarded me he was extremely stressed about working multiple jobs (due to spousal and child support). He was also dealing with ex wife getting remarried and the feelings of that. Lastly, he had been living in his parents basement and had huge shame around that. I tried to support each issue but clearly not enough. The night he left me I didn’t answer the phone for two hours as I had been in a conversation with a family member. When I called him back, he lashed out and broke up with me.

[HopelessBroken]

One last thing I forgot about the jealous,y. When I was at the Mayo Clinic having my pre cancer treatment screening (stressful day). He was in the waiting room going through my entire phone. Found that out after the fact.

[pearlsw]

Hi HopelessBroken,

Thank you for opening your heart to us! I am so sorry you had to hear such vile things. It is very sobering when you see it written out! I have heard some of this, and had a similar phone call incident even, and caught him going through my backpack, etc. Ugh!

This is a pretty powerful tool, but you might want to take a look here as well and let us know what you think:  Stop Blaming and Accusations

warmly, pearl.