Advice on how to not talk about my own therapy...

[stolencrumbs]

I've been seeing a T for a few months. It was initially scheduled as couples therapy, but my wife did not show up, and I have continued to see the T myself. Not surprisingly, the bulk of our sessions are about my marriage and how to deal with the things that are going on. (some background here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=326352.0) I don't bad-mouth my wife, and we don't talk about anything in therapy that I don't wish I could talk to my wife about. Mainly our goals in T are to get more balance in my life, take more control over my life, not be controlled by my wife's emotions, take better care of myself, not continue the same patterns, etc. Until recently, my wife had not really asked me about my therapy sessions. In the last few days, she has started asking me about what we talk about. I successfully deflected the first couple of times she asked by either making a joke or giving some general idea of the kinds of things we talk about. But last night she was persistent, and when I didn't give her a rundown of everything we talk about, she got upset and then shut down.

I feel pretty strongly that nothing good would come of me trying to talk in any detail to my wife right now about things I talk about in T. We are not at a point where we are capable of having those kinds of conversations, especially on our own. I told her that there were things I was still processing and working through and figuring out, and that I didn't feel comfortable talking about it all right now. I tried to acknowledge that that understandably made her suspicious and felt like I was talking about her behind her back. I emphasized that I wasn't withholding any big secrets (I'm not) and that everything I do in therapy is geared towards working on how I respond to things and to improve our relationship. 

My guess is that I will get ST for a few days, and then she'll explode. Obviously I'd like to avoid that. Anybody have ideas or experience with how to handle this? How do you not talk to your pwBPD about therapy when they ask about it?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

Therapy is for your mental health - not hers.  She is worried you are talking about her and that the T is invalidating her by telling you things about her.  This is how she will feel no matter what you say or do - you being in T is a threat to her.  I am not saying leave T.  I am just laying it out for you.

If she is in the already in a dysregulation cycle, you likely can't prevent the explosion - you can avoid making it worse, maybe, but it's up to her to control that, not you.  Is there anything else going on that could contribute to her feeling insecure, where she wants to focus on your T, but it's really another issue eating her up inside?  Can you address that, to remove the targeting of your T sessions?

1 - tell her as best as you can that this is for you and not about her (this is true, even if you talk about events in which she took part, it's for YOUR mental health, not hers), using SET if you can.  Tell her it's a chance for you to see how you can work at being a better you, a better spouse, a better communicator.  And leave it at that.

2 - Tell her as much as you can about anything NOT her.  I don't want to encourage lying by omission, but if you talked about work, that is true.  If you talked about things from your past, that's true.  Give her some boring, mundane blow by blow accounts of how your boss upset you and how you relayed it to your T and how your T gave you boring but practical advice, etc.  Kill her interest, maybe?

3 - mention to you T this issue, get their feedback on ways to respond?

4 - tell her if she really wants to know, she's welcome to come with you and participate?

[stolencrumbs]

Thanks isilme!

There are always some core issues that animate her insecurity, but I think the T really is the issue that upsets her at the moment.

(1) is what I attempted to do, however unsuccessfully. I will continue to emphasize that if she continues to bring it up. I think (2) is really good advice, and probably what I should've done when she initially brought it up. I wasn't ready for it and didn't have anything boring to talk about in mind. I do think that if I had given her some boring, but true, details that were unrelated to her, she probably would've dropped the whole thing. It might be too late for that to work in this case, but I should be better prepared for the future. I have asked to see a therapist together (I don't think there's any way she's going to see my therapist), but so far she is resistant to that.

Thanks for the advice and the reality check about my T being a threat to her, regardless of what I do, and the reminder that I can't control whether she gets really out of sorts about this.

[pearlsw]

Hi stolencrumbs,

Following up on what islime said I'd like share these links with you:

SET

Don't JADE.

I think not JADE-ing (justify, argue, defend, explain) may also be a helpful follow up tool for you to use when these issues arise.

I know I can't stand when I get grilled over things that in my book are within your personal bounds of privacy. It's not an easy situation!

What kinds of things are working for you in terms of getting more balance and control?

wishing you the best, pearl.

[stolencrumbs]

Thanks pearl. I need a lot of work on not JADE-ing. I'm a philosopher, so it is quite literally my job to justify, argue, defend, and explain. I'm definitely getting better at not doing that with my wife, but it is a challenge and something i have to constantly monitor. I definitely feel the urge to try to explain why I'm not talking to her about it and justify that decision, even though I can see that that approach would only make things worse. So thanks for the reminder. It's a reminder I seem to always need.

I honestly don't know that I've managed to achieve much balance and control. I think I have gotten a better handle on some things I *should* do, and I am better able to see the ways I am giving up control. So that's a start, I guess. I definitely struggle with boundaries. I'm not able to keep them when she threatens suicide, which is now where she goes when she runs into a boundary. So I end up caving. Then she's happy because I'm doing what she wants. Then I cave on boundaries so I don't rock the boat. I go from being controlled by the negative emotions to being controlled by the positive ones and the fear of making things worse. It's almost worse now that I see myself doing it in real time, yet I just keep doing it. Recognition of the patterns and some baby steps towards changing them seems like a first step, though.

[pearlsw]

Thanks pearl. I need a lot of work on not JADE-ing. I'm a philosopher, so it is quite literally my job to justify, argue, defend, and explain. I'm definitely getting better at not doing that with my wife, but it is a challenge and something i have to constantly monitor.

Recognition of the patterns and some baby steps towards changing them seems like a first step, though.

Absolutely! Baby steps, yes! Somedays I feel okay, fine even, other days I see very clearly the psychological toll this has taken on me. Today I noticed my mind was spinning in a lot of directions, so I just tried to notice it and then soothe myself a bit. Some days I feel I am coming apart at the seams. Other times life just seems funny, absurd or glorious even. I just try to watch it and know that I am the only one who can save myself and ensure my own survival through this.

Philospher, eh? Yes, I come from a world of logic too! I was gonna head towards law, but took another turn because while I am a rule follower by nature I am also a bit of a free spirit, attracted to philosophies and theories around freedom and liberation. I used to try desperately to bring logic to the situations I face, and I haven't abandoned it entirely. I just like to be more careful about realizing what I can and can't do in terms of trying to convince another person I have a viewpoint worth listening or responding too. Some people just aren't gonna listen or understand, and that just is how it is. It's hard because I've often not felt so understood by others, but the good news is I understand me! So, I have this 'ol gal to rely on for a lot of the support and comfort I need in life!

I've been dealing with these issues around suicide in the last months too! I really haven't gotten as much support as I need on that. It is nice to know, I am sorry to say for both of us, that I know what that is like a bit and appreciate knowing I am not alone with that kind of struggle!

So, let's talk. What are you doing in regards to the suicide threats?

warmly, pearl.

[stolencrumbs]

I've been dealing with these issues around suicide in the last months too! I really haven't gotten as much support as I need on that. It is nice to know, I am sorry to say for both of us, that I know what that is like a bit and appreciate knowing I am not alone with that kind of struggle!

So, let's talk. What are you doing in regards to the suicide threats?

warmly, pearl.

I hate that you're dealing with that, too, pearl. It is, kind of perversely, nice to know others are dealing with similar things.

I definitely don't have any great insights on how to deal with it. I've been dealing with threats for a lot of years. Mostly they have not seemed to me to be particularly serious, and I had mostly been handling them okay. Recently, they seem to have gotten much more serious.

I don't really have any idea what to think or what to do. I have gotten her to go see a T in the last two weeks. We went first together and she has now been once by herself. I'm hopeful but realistic about if or how quickly that will make any difference in things. My T suggests calling the police for a welfare check if she threatens suicide. I guess that is what I should do, but I'm not sure I have much faith in the system. My wife doesn't think she needs help, and my state only allows for a 72 hour involuntary hold. I have a hard time envisioning how that works out well, though it may soon become the only option I really have.

I would say that recently my way of dealing with it has been to just try to do whatever she wants me to do, and hope to keep her more emotionally level, and hope she continues to see the T, and hope that helps. Lots of hoping, which isn't much of a plan.

How are you handling it? 

[pearlsw]

I hate that you're dealing with that, too, pearl. It is, kind of perversely, nice to know others are dealing with similar things.

How are you handling it?  

Hi stolencrumbs,

Sounds like we are on the same weary path. I was tracking towards a divorce the middle of next month, but he's been suicidal for months (years maybe? but worse in the last months) and is telling me now that he can't emotionally handle a meeting for a divorce next month that we have scheduled. (We have been talking about the appointment a bit recently. He "loves me" and wants to cancel, I had been leaning heavily towards divorce, but grappling with if I should give more time for his medication and attempts to get into treatment. I also want the appointment in place and a settlement reached even if we don't put it into effect immediately. I want to basically disable the threats and I am ready to divorce if need be although now he is not. Our roles have reversed! It was always me trying to keep us together. Sigh.)

It's all pretty staggering. I know that I have to do what feels right for me despite what he says, but... .suicide is a big one! If it works, it's permanent and that is very heavy to carry. It makes me double over in pain to imagine it.

I had to hear it a few times that "if they are gonna do it [commit suicide], they are gonna do it." I admit the coldness of the delivery of that information did not sit well with me (to put it mildly). I am not codependent, not a rescuer, but "damn, that's all there is to say?" is how I felt. But that is what the "professionals" say. So there that is.

I got the advice too about calling and I will do so next time, whatever consequences may come. I am afraid, in that we are both immigrants, anytime I reach out to the "authorities", for what unforeseen outcome that could lead to so I don't take it lightly. But I will call to save his life, get him hospitalized, any time there is a threat going forward, that I am sure about. I do worry that that could drive his urges underground. I think he has not always made me aware of things, that there has been more going on about this than I am aware of.

It sounds like we are basically doing what can be done!  

How do you manage to keep yourself together? How are are you holding up? It's pretty surreal. I'd had years of breakup threats, but once they became suicide threats... .that is a whole other realm of pain I had not known.

Thank you for posting this topic! It has been very personally meaningful and helpful.

wishing you peace, pearl.  

[Tattered Heart]

Adding to what others have said, this is a great opportunity to look at your own boundaries in regards to sharing what goes on in therapy. One thing that might help is to address her fears and insecurities more so than the issue of what's being said in your T.

So if she starts to bring it up, maybe address that you understand her frustration with not being able to know what's said or address the idea of "I know it's hard not knowing what's going on in there. Therapy is for me to work on me. If there is anything that is important for me to share with you, then I'll talk with you about it." or you could invite her to begin MC if she would like to know what's going on.

Is she worried that you are talking about her? Or is she worried that you and the T are working against her?

[stolencrumbs]

Hi pearl,

Yes, it is all pretty staggering. My wife is actually the one who keeps telling me that if she's going to kill herself, there's nothing I can do about it. And she's right. That is tough for me to swallow.

I'm trying to get there, but I'm just not comfortable calling the police or having her held involuntarily. I'm trying to convince myself that that is what I need to do if there is another serious threat, but given her resistance to seeking help, I don't have much hope that temporary stabilization will do much good. Like you, I worry that it will keep her from sharing how she feels with me, further isolate her, and might ultimately make a successful attempt more likely. Part of what makes this hard for me is that she doesn't view wanting to kill herself as a problem. She thinks it is a perfectly rational thing to do given how bad she perceives her life to be. When she isn't actively suicidal, she doesn't think "gosh, I'm glad I didn't kill myself." She seems to think "well, I guess I'll give it a few days and see if I have any reason to live." Her answer, inevitably, is that she does not, and we get back to active threats. But she hasn't actually done it, so that's something. I guess whatever she says, there is a part of her that does want to keep on living. I know I can't take on responsibility for her staying alive, but the helplessness I feel in the face of that can be overwhelming.

I think I'm holding up okay, all things considered. Like you, I've had years of break up threats. I was pretty  much immune to those. The credible suicide threats, and one actual attempt, do bring things to a different level. My main focus at the moment is to try to not let the suicide threats consume all of my thoughts. I'm okay at doing things for myself, but I'm less okay at doing those things and really turning that part of my brain off and actually enjoying whatever I'm doing. So I'm working on mindfulness, I guess. Trying to be present in the moment and not constantly worry about what she might be thinking or doing. And I'm talking about it with you! This has been really helpful for me. It's not something I've really talked to anyone about.

I imagine that the suicide threats do make it much harder to contemplate divorce. We aren't really actively talking about divorce (just threats from her), but I do think about it, and the suicide threats complicate that, even though they actually make me feel more strongly that I should leave. Where are you in your thinking on divorce? Are you putting that on hold for the time being? I feel like I'm always giving more time, waiting and hoping for something to change, or for her to be more stable. My T likes to tell me that that is unlikely to happen. It's so hard to make decisions and think straight amidst all of it. If you're managing to stay centered and think clearly through this, please share your secrets!

[stolencrumbs]

Adding to what others have said, this is a great opportunity to look at your own boundaries in regards to sharing what goes on in therapy. One thing that might help is to address her fears and insecurities more so than the issue of what's being said in your T.

So if she starts to bring it up, maybe address that you understand her frustration with not being able to know what's said or address the idea of "I know it's hard not knowing what's going on in there. Therapy is for me to work on me. If there is anything that is important for me to share with you, then I'll talk with you about it." or you could invite her to begin MC if she would like to know what's going on.

Is she worried that you are talking about her? Or is she worried that you and the T are working against her?

Thanks Tattered Heart! I think this is really good advice, and it's what I'm attempting to do. I have asked her to try MC with me. That's also what my T recommends we do if we're going to talk about these things. So far my wife has not taken me up on that.

I think she's worried about both. She definitely doesn't like the idea of me talking about her to my T. She thinks I'm biased (I am!) and that my T will get an inaccurate picture and so will make bad recommendations. I also think her worry is that we will be working against her. My wife thinks that the solution to our problems is for me to focus more on her. If I just do everything she wants me to do, when she wants me to do it, then everything would be okay. So, basically, if I have no boundaries, we'll be fine. Obviously neither me nor my T are on board with that solution, and a lot of my work in T is in trying to create and maintain boundaries. I'm sure my wife has noticed this, and to the extent she attributes it to my T, she feels we are working against her and conspiring to make her life worse.

It's been a few days and she hasn't brought it up again. When she does, I'm going to invite her to MC again, and maybe try to give her some boring details about what I talk about in T. 

[pearlsw]

Hi pearl,

Yes, it is all pretty staggering.

It's so hard to make decisions and think straight amidst all of it. If you're managing to stay centered and think clearly through this, please share your secrets!

Hi stolencrumbs,

Well, again I thank you for raising this because this is probably the best, most supportive/understanding discussion I've had on it with anyone! And this has been going on for months!  (And I'm here all the time!) I've received wisdom and support from others who can relate, or have past experiences.  But you are the first member who I've had a chance to connect with over it as a person currently living through it and that... .I can't tell you how meaningful that is!

He's been positively giddy lately, you'd think I was a stand up comedian (which has been great!), but there is something brewing below the surface. This "high" can't last. I try to talk with him about his moods, get him to notice them, discuss them with me. Overall he's been nice to be around lately, really calm and balanced overall, we laugh constantly - at ourselves and at life. But when an emotional topic (like divorce) comes up he can't handle it at all. I try to keep discussions about such topics brief. He wants to cancel the appointment with the divorce lawyer, I can't bring myself to meet his wishes. I've been on these up and down waves for too long to think this is some kind of new "normal."

After years of breakup threats I'd like to negotiate the divorce, but not necessarily pull the trigger on it immediately. It is hard for me not to want to work with him, to compromise with his requests for more time before I'd decide to leave forever, knowing I'd never see him again in my entire life after all we've been through. A big loss, like a death.

I am torn. When I look at all he's said and done over the years I want this to finally end and not look back. When I see a person in the present giving their best effort, and trying, and open to doing anything to improve things, my natural instinct is to give a chance and be patient and loving despite all that has happened. I really entered this relationship full of love and great intentions for a full life together. I don't want to end up needlessly prolonging misery for myself though.

This whole relationship has shredded all my thoughts and principles and made it hard for me to operate in the world as I've always known myself to be. I am highly disappointed in myself, I thought I was better than this, I was better than this, but it was extremely hard to manage with these immense challenges. I want to reconstitute and restore myself and let no one ever pull me off my path in life again. Ultimately I am accepting and loving of myself thank goodness. I know I can and will do better - that is the only way I can approach life and not end up in a  pit of despair myself.

This is a powerfully damaging illness - and I've taken on a lot of "friendly fire" over the years. Sometimes I feel like I'd be a fool to stay, other times my mind relaxes and goes with the flow of the good times and hope builds back up only to be shattered again.

I've let him know the good times are nice, but the bad are so horrible that I can't live that way anymore. I'm just listening to the various thoughts bouncing around in my head, and it gets pretty bouncy in there, ;) and in the end I am confident I will trust my gut and be brave.

Is your wife on any medication? Seems like something could help reduce the suicidal thoughts, perhaps? My SO has been on Wellbutrin, and oh... .I'm forgetting the other one... .ah yes, Lexapro, for a few months now, and he feels a lot better he says, but he has also done some of his worst acting out while on it so... .he needs more help. We are waiting to talk with more doctors. All here is slow.  

If we do divorce I know he will be hurt, but he will be fine, and maybe better off in the long run. I think more likely than not he'll get the support he needs from his family and move on rather quickly though he says he won't. It will definitely be a tragedy if this ends, the whole story of it, but I've had plenty of those in life. They are just a part of life sometimes. Love doesn't always work out, even with the best of intentions. I have seen and experienced enough that I am at peace with this aspect of life. There are no guarantees, and probably many more chapters to go.

That kind of mindfulness sounds like a great way to face this! I need to take up a serious meditation practice again so I am more relaxed and less on edge after a prolonged period of high stress. I don't always feel like I'm super stressed, but I notice it after it pops out!

Hope that wasn't too big of a digression on my stuff! Hope some of it helps! You are not alone!  

with deep compassion, pearl.  

[pearlsw]

Hey stolencrumbs,

Also, I don't want to sound too confident! I'd still have a hard time making that call too! I'd have to do it another language and I am not sure I even have the vocabulary for that! And the consequences are scary!

I know it is hard. Sometimes we just have to make and live with those really hard decisions in life!   

It's tough to balance our natural human concern for life with not letting ourself get trapped by threats! 

take care, pearl.

[stolencrumbs]

Hey pearl,

Thanks so much for the conversation here. There appear to be a lot of similarities, including things being pretty good recently but not trusting that, being disappointed in myself, preemptively mourning what the end of the relationship would mean, having moments of hope, etc.

I love the attitude you have towards the possible end of the relationship. It seems to me appropriately balanced between recognizing the tragedy of it all, but also that it's not the end of the world. If my marriage ends, that will obviously be really sad. But I'll be okay. Life isn't supposed to be all roses all the time. I'll be okay. I've had plenty of love in my life, and I'll be okay if this chapter ends. If love finds its way into my life in the future, that'd be just fine. I can also have a fulfilling life if it doesn't. I wish I was as confident that my wife would be okay. There are moments when I think she would be, and a lot of moments where I don't. She has spent a lot of her life pushing away her family. I think they'd do what they can to help her, but I don't think she'd take the help. I do recognize that staying in the marriage because I'm worried about her isn't a good starting point for a healthy relationship, but it does weigh on me.

She has been on a variety of different medications in the last few years. I think Lexapro was the most recent, but she hasn't been on anything in the recent past. She's not willing to admit that there's anything wrong, and so doesn't think there's anything to treat. I'm hopeful she'll continue seeing the T and that medication might be in the future. It would help make things more manageable if she could just quiet the suicidal thoughts.

Anyway, thanks again for the conversation. It is nice to not feel completely alone in all of this.

[Radcliff]

How is it going with the boundaries?  Your mention of your wife not liking boundaries and thinking that you and your T were aligned against her because of them struck a chord with me.  I had a T for the first half of last year, and by midyear my wife pressured me into dropping her, because over those months I'd gained confidence and started pushing back on my wife's inappropriate behavior.  She said, "That therapist is worthless.  It's been five months and she hasn't fixed you yet."

What are a couple of boundaries you are working on developing?

WW

[Buzz2]

My wife thinks that the solution to our problems is for me to focus more on her. If I just do everything she wants me to do, when she wants me to do it, then everything would be okay. So, basically, if I have no boundaries, we'll be fine. Obviously neither me nor my T are on board with that solution, and a lot of my work in T is in trying to create and maintain boundaries. I'm sure my wife has noticed this, and to the extent she attributes it to my T, she feels we are working against her and conspiring to make her life worse.  

stolencrumbs,

I laughed out loud in recognition when I read this.  Yep, that's exactly what my husband thinks.  We actually had a discussion about the state of our relationship last night (I couldn't find the head against brick wall emoji, but just picture it here) and he said that very thing almost verbatim.

I, like you, just want to do better.

Hang in there!

Buzz

[an0ught]

Don‘t envy you - dealing with suicide threats sucks. Establishing boundaries in such a situation is very hard . It is really walking on a tightrope all the time - but unlike walking on eggshells there is a direction and even baby steps add up.

When doing SET one key emotion to deal with here is fear of abandonment - again one of the hardest ones to spell out. Suicide is abandonment, you bringing in a T into your life triggers abandonment and you making changes in your life due to T triggers abandonment too... Not an easy situation for her.

Don‘t share what you talk in T. Don‘t ask for her permission for change that affects you. Don‘t justify change. But keep in mind that change will be noticed do when you have taken some steps informing her is only fair and respectful. SET is your friend here too.

Hang in there, the first boundaries are the hardest but the also have the potential to chsnge the relationship dynamics for the better once the extinction bursts have run their course.

[stolencrumbs]

an0ught: What you say here is really insightful. Thanks. Abandonment is definitely a huge issue with her, and I'm sure seeing a therapist and making some changes triggers those feelings. I need to get better with SET. One problem I have is that I apparently come across as patronizing to her when I attempt to use it. She hates it. I've got to figure out how to make it sound more like me and more natural. I'm hoping you're right about the first steps being the hardest.

Buzz2: Yes, my wife has actually said that to me, too. I'm not just guessing at what she thinks. She says it. Out loud. It always astonishes me.

Wentworth: I'm not sure it is technically a boundary, but the main thing I'm working on is doing a few things for myself, and sticking with those things. As an example, I started playing bar trivia with a group of people on Monday nights. I started doing this when I was almost never at home and she was yelling at me most nights. I enjoy it. We usually win. We actually won a regional tournament. It's not the most important thing in the world to me, but I enjoy it, and I enjoy hanging out with the people I play with. And one of them is the bartender, so I get plenty of free beer out of the deal. My wife knows I play trivia on Mondays. She knows I enjoy it. In the last month, I have been at home more. She asked me to not go one Monday, and so I didn't. The next Monday I did go, and she was mad about it the next day and said I shouldn't have gone. So last Monday I didn't even try to go. She was in a good mood, and that was sure to ruin it. I don't think this is good, or sustainable. I ought to be able to do something I enjoy once a week for a couple of hours. In thinking of it as a boundary, I think the larger boundary is on the time I spend doing things for her. I tend to not stick with things I do for myself when she is in a better mood. There are a couple of things that fall into this category, and I've not been very consistent, which is ultimately bad for both of us.

My wife also thinks the therapist is worthless. Maybe less than worthless, since she thinks she is actually making things worse.

[Radcliff]

Monday night trivia is very important.  Defending it is an excellent boundary!  The way to think about it is not, "I'll go if I can manage to do it without making waves."  It should be "I'm going, and I'll make caring and responsible efforts to minimize waves."  One of our other members who is really good at this would remind her husband a few times in the week before she went out with friends.  She'd also tell him when she'd be home, and might try to do something with him before and after the event.

You'll probably be reading this on Thursday morning.  Perfect timing.  A few days runup to Monday.  What can you do to grease the skids for a smooth run on Monday?  Do you have any plans with your wife this weekend?

RC

[an0ught]

S: It may help you when you look at if from another angle.

E: You may feel my T is worthless.

T: T is for me. The changes in me may well cause initially friction between us. And yes that is now not a good time. But I ferl it helps me and a calmer and stronger me will help you - us in the long run. And yeah it is tough also on you.

[pearlsw]

Hi stolencrumbs,

I can see how a dynamic like that could develop!

She seems nicer, you are less inclined to go out, you only go out when you need a break. Let me encourage you to keep that weekly appointment with yourself though! It is so important to have time away.

One way you may be able to "balance" it that is preferable, if she is giving you grief over it, is to also set up a weekly special thing with her. I know, that kind of thing is probably ripe for its own set of problems, but it could also work. It is so important to have things to look forward to, build in elements of fun, so time together isn't always the same old stuff.

wishing you the best, pearl.