Fiancee has ended engagement and changed her phone number

[Enabler]

Walk me through your current approach.

I think it's important to increase uncertainty over time. If for example you always respond immediately and then you all of a sudden don't, he may become distraught and start angry texting and freaking out. This is something you kinda know in advance. One approach you could consider is stating to him in an assertive way that you will not tolerate angry texts in response to you not replying to his messages in a timely manner, that communicating with him is important to you but cannot be all consuming and that you are not at his beck and call. Then, purposefully delay responding, increase the uncertainty around your response time and then allow him to deal with that.

You could take this a step further and inform him that you will not respond to any messages for a 24hr period if he sends you abusive messages... .and then stick to it.

I believe it's important to clearly spell out the boundary (the line... .abusive messages), the consequences, and then stick to them.

You are training him.

Enabler 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Bittlecat]

My fiancee txted me and asked if she could come over and get her stuff, after 4 weeks away that she left in my house. One thing lead to another and she came over with dinner and we talked at length, and I thought things would get better.
She stayed the next night, and put on a ring of hers, because she said she could not find her engagement ring, and said all was good.
We went to the counselor in seperate meetings that week, and then went together the week after.
She kept telling him that I would not take responsibility for my actions and was a liar, along with a few other things. After the meeting she found the engagement ring and started wearing it.
Now today she invited me to eat with her at a resturaunt, but didn't have the money to pay for it, so I did. At the dinner, I started to tell her that I had been doing the exercises the doctor gave me to help my medical condition, but that the pain was real bad today so I took some Rx pain meds and all broke loose. All we did was agrue about everything under the sun, while I tried hard to keep my cool, I failed a couple of times and everything escalated to the point where we left without finishing our food. Later she asked if I wanted to come in her place and I did only to get beat up more verbaly, and threatened hitting me by punching the wall. After that we went into the sitting room and talked some, where she finaly asked me to leave.
She told me she never wanted me as her husband, and because of my disability, she would be embarraced to be with me, and her parents surely would be upset because I can't help with some tasks .
I found out that she had dated another guy, during the time we  broke up.
All of the verbal abuse, I tried to take without triggering her anger, but now I just exceeded my limit.
I'm thinking of seeking eternal silence, even wrote a note: her name,
I'm a fat, lazy, jerk, with a disability,
who is godless and does not carry the spirit of God within me, who cares nothing about other people, a liar, good for nothing, who can't take responsibility for his own mistakes, who does nothing but create problems, worthless bloke, that doesn't even deserve the oxygen I breathe.
The best thing I can do is to opt for eternal silence, and leave this life.
Bye
My name
I have planned my leaving, but likely won't have the guts to do it! I can't take more of this! Just last nite she thanked me for learning about her bipolar and uBPD, and staying with her and helping. Tonite she abuses me to the point I'm going to explode! The words on the note are what she said I was.
Bittlecat

[Enabler]

Hey Blittlecat,

Sorry to hear you have had such a rollercoaster of a few days... .push pull push pull... .it's maddening.

Given what you know about BPD, what do you think she was 'saying' and what do you think was 'said' but needed to be filtered out?

How do you think she see's the disability? This isn't a new disability I assume, one that she didn't object to before.

Enabler

[Bittlecat]

Hey Blittlecat,


Given what you know about BPD, what do you think she was 'saying' and what do you think was 'said' but needed to be filtered out?

How do you think she see's the disability? This isn't a new disability I assume, one that she didn't object to before.

Enabler

I think she was projecting her faults on me, as the things she said did not fit me.
My disability was present when we first met, but has gotten worse, and health care is slow to treat. I also did not treat agressively during the last few months of taking care of a family member before she died, as she became a priority.
Bittlecat

[Enabler]

Okay, so if you filter out all the projection noise and hot air, all the accusations, what are you left with?

[Bittlecat]

Okay, so if you filter out all the projection noise and hot air, all the accusations, what are you left with?

Thats a good question!
It seems she has a desire to dominate, break every boundry I set, and make me feel worthless, while she is demeaning me!
More conflict has arisen, I think from our counselor who seemed to purposely evoke her anger over past real issues between us. Not understanding his approach.
Once again I'm confused.

[Enabler]

Making you worthless isn’t how she feels, that’s how she wants you to feel or more precisely how you feel as a result of her very honed skill in mentally wounding you... .but wash that away and how does she feel. There will be clues in amongst all the other blame and shame that she’s puking on you.

Maybe this is what the counsellor is trying to see and read, he’s revving her up to get more clues. The counsellor is trained to be awesome at this... .listening... .hearing... .watching. He’s drawing out the feeling. Sometimes the ‘thing’ is buried pretty darn deep.

[Bittlecat]

SO did it again! She gave me back my ring and broke the engagement saying she did not want to marry me bc we don't do anything together and I obviously do not care for her as I bought dinner and gave her the smaller and not as good as the other portion of food and got the grilled instead of the fried sandwhich. Of course yesterday she gave me a lecture on eating better, which the grilled had less fat and calories, but I get it and she demands the other and refuses to eat saying I don't care about her etc.
SO finally said she can't see herself married to somebody who can't go on fast walks with her and her dog. Even though I have pushed my healthcare provider to help me overcime my physical issue, and have been working hard on Pys Ther and even steriod injections and maybe look at surgery, but done of can happen fast enough for her.
I recently gave up a good deal of funds that I would have used for my own wants to help her with bills from her sick pets. Then I took her to dinner at a pricey place, though she still maintains we don't do anything together.
Then she started in on

[Coastered]

SO did it again! She gave me back my ring and broke the engagement saying she did not want to marry me bc we don't do anything together and I obviously do not care for her as I bought dinner and gave her the smaller and not as good as the other portion of food and got the grilled instead of the fried sandwhich. Of course yesterday she gave me a lecture on eating better, which the grilled had less fat and calories, but I get it and she demands the other and refuses to eat saying I don't care about her etc.
SO finally said she can't see herself married to somebody who can't go on fast walks with her and her dog. Even though I have pushed my healthcare provider to help me overcime my physical issue, and have been working hard on Pys Ther and even steriod injections and maybe look at surgery, but done of can happen fast enough for her.
I recently gave up a good deal of funds that I would have used for my own wants to help her with bills from her sick pets. Then I took her to dinner at a pricey place, though she still maintains we don't do anything together.
Then she started in on

I have been in your position.  I was given the ring back countless times.  Given this excuse, that excuse, the other excuse.  The common denominator is that it was an EXCUSE.  I have learnt to deal that the woman I loved was never real.

They say some really stupid things but if you are prepared to put up with it she will come back.  They always do.

They hurt because they are hurting.

I bought dinner and gave her the smaller and not as good as the other portion of food

she can't see herself married to somebody who can't go on fast walks with her and her dog.

There you go, read it and read it again.  They are childish and pathetic reasons to break up with you.  They are not the real reasons.

I am not going to tell you what do to, only what I thought in my case and that was I DESERVED BETTER... .

I'm a fat, lazy, jerk, with a disability,

I have been there my friend, what they say its absolutely disgusting and is abuse.

There are tools here to help you but you have to start valuing yourself.

[Bittlecat]

Thank you coastered for your reply.
I did see a different counselor last week, and did get some different insights into this situation, and have been spending some time, as I could reading and digesting all the information presented here on this site.
I must not take her insults and verbal abuse to heart, as that is what she is doing, trying to bring me down.
I have also watched some videos from " polar warriors" on youtube, that have given me much help with dealing with the bipolar part of her person.
Now she wants me back, but only as friends.
She did start a new job, and job training, and has been stressed out from that, so I think she dreamed up a reason to kick me overboard again to lighten her load.
Also, I did get a medical procedure done, that required a driver, and some emotional and physical assisitance, of which SO was not available for, of course. I had to hire a driver, and went through the procedure without anyone helping, which was ok, but I would never even think of letting her or any family or friends face that alone. In her defense, she said she was sick and could not go to work, or leave the house bc she was dizzy and did not sleep all night. And that is not the first time she abandoned me when I needed or would have liked her presence during a stressful time for me.
So I'm thinking that the sick pets, new job and my procedure and we started going to a new church, meeting new people and all, had totally overloaded her emotions, so she kicked me out with crazy excuses. She did text me during the transportation and waiting room, for that medical procedure,  and then again to see how things were on the way home, and at home she texted again to see that I arrived safely.
I just woke up from a 3 hour nap, and tried to contact her, but no response, I could only hope that she is ok, and maybe sleeping, as last I heard she was getting a migrane headache.
-bittlecat

[Bittlecat]

Today at the counsolers office, she blew a gasket saying that she was insecure in our relationship, and was asking that I tell her what our future holds and what I was going to do to help with her financial troubles. When it was my turn to speak, I told her that I had to stay around in the relatives house in order to finish the estate distribution, and had no idea how long that would take, up to and maybe more than a year, but as we had talked about eariler, I wanted to move out of town to a house with wooded property. I then told her that I was willing and able to help with her financal woes, and had already paid the bills for medical care of her cats and dog, and had paid her mortgage once before, all of which I did without asking her to repay me. She insisted that she was going to get a new job and pay me back, but is unhappy about her job and wants to quit.
Then she went and started pulling up all kinds of crap, some untrue, some not, about our past, including telling me I cheated on her, as I did go to online dating and texted 2 ladies, during one of the breakups that she started, but was not even able to talk to them without crying over SO. They never had my name or phone number, as I used the sites text. The Dr. Reminded her that she went to an online dating site and talked to 8 guys, giving them her name and phone number, and went out with one for a meal, so how did she get off calling me a cheater?
Thats when she blew up and stormed out of the room.
Later she texted me to tell that she talked to her father and he was going to pay her mortgage and bills and then buy her a place near him, so she could sell her current house.
Then she stated that she was moving on, and after the sale of her house she would pay me back for everything and move to her dads state and leave me behind.
I don't know if this is real or not, but once again I do not know where to go from here. I did tell her she was important to me, that I loved her, and that once I've settled the estate, our plans were to get married and move in her place and then I would buy a house and property outside of town, and provide for her.
SO replied she was going to sleep, and she could not deal with the insecurity of our relationship.
I'm very upset, and wondering what I missed, what feelings she has behind all this, or is this another throwing me overboard again, bc she can't handle the stress of the new job?
I am depressed and have lost my balance once again and do not know what to do next. I thought I could handle this, and she is still in contact with me but... .what do I do next? I made it clear to her I don't want her to leave.
I did remember that when I first met her, she had planned to go to her fathers, and was packing stuff. When I talked to her about that, she stated that she would have been gone 14 months ago, but I kept her from leaving and was wasting her time.
So, once again I'm confused, and without direction, and need some help.
-bittlecat

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear BC-

I know I am a bit late to your thread, but I have read through everything, and I am so very sorry for your pain, confusion and on top of all that, the personal grief you’re suffering.  I am deeply sorry for the losses you have suffered.  My best friend died suddenly earlier this year and my BPDbf blew up at me a few days later.  It felt to me as if he desecrated her memory.  I had forgiven unforgivable behavior over the years, but this one... .?

I am wondering if with all that has happened, all that IS happening, if a “pause” may be appropriate for you.  You just recently lost your beloved mom.  And following a loss like that, in your heightened state of grief, perhaps the thing to do is NOTHING.  And by nothing, I mean, focus solely on self-care and healing for a while.   We are often advised not to make important decisions for a full year following the loss of a loved one.

It is so very clear that you are a deeply loving and compassionate man.  And you deserve a woman who shares your fine qualities, and who appreciates who you are.  There is literature on our site dealing with FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt.  I don’t believe anyone has pointed you in the direction of that reading yet.   Please have a good, introspective look at that information.  And after you do, please take some time to consider how that may apply to your situation.

Please know... .I am NOT giving you a “run” message, however it appears from what you’re saying, this relationship is quite out of balance right now; perhaps too off kilter to consider moving forward with marriage plans for the time being.  Or am I missing something? 

With verbal abuse at such a high and frequent level, and J triggered and escalating moment by moment, her expectations just seem out of whack.  And your expectations of yourself... .well, why after knowing someone for just over a year, do you absorb the need to be completely responsible for her?  Why have you set the bar for yourself so high?  Yet it seems there are zero expectations for her.  PwBPD will rise or fall to the level of our expectations.  My opinion... .

You have known your fiancé for just over a year, is that correct?  Is there a rush to marry?

Has she been married previously?

From things you have said, her words and behavior have at times brought you so low that you’ve longed for “eternal silence”.   My friend, I DO understand that feeling... .have been there myself on several occasions.  And then I looked into the eyes of my dog.  And I felt compelled to begin my own journey of healing... .finally.  And I’ve just turned 61.

Please consider bringing your support people - friends, family - closer to you.  Allow them to embrace you, they KNOW who you are, how truly GOOD and worthy you are... .and then allow yourself to observe your relationship as if someone you care for (your sister, your best friend, your brother) is living YOUR experience, YOUR relationship.

What steps would you advise him to take to improve his chances for peaceful happiness?  Please stay with us, BC and continue posting.  None of this is easy, and we understand that.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Coastered]

Gemsforeyes, wonderful wonderful advice.

[Bittlecat]

Hey Gemsforeyes,
Thank you very much for responding, for your insights and concern.
Thank you for expressing your condolances for the loss of my mother, and I wish to convey mine to you for the loss of your friend and the resulting chaos caused by your BPD bf.

I'm not sure a pause would help, but the last time we seperated for a month, all I could see was J, she was everywhere I looked, in everything I did, and when conversing with others, her name would always come up. I have had the best times of my life with her, and while I don't know how to put it in words, she helped me with moms care and medical decisions, and even was here with me at moms bedside when mom was drawing her last breath!

I will study and look at the information on FOG, and see how that may apply to me, thanks.

She has recently again given me the ring back, so marriage is on hold once again! The new job she just started, she could not deal with emotionally, and was a strain on her body, so she quit after 4 days, and called her dad, and now planning to move near him, while he resides in another part of the country, he promised to buy her a house to help her financial problems, which is why she tried to go back to work.

I have known her for about 15 months, and there was no rush on my part. But she seems to want to marry quickly, and has been pushing me to do so. She has never been married before, having a string of bf's that supplied her with booze or drugs. As one of the boundries I set eariler, she did stop using pot and shatter, and has been clean for over 2 months now.

Yes, she has on occasion brought me down, or should I say I allowed her to bring me down to where I wished for eternal silence, as I felt totally worthless. I do see a therapist on a regular basis to help me keep my balance and try to depersonalize her remarks, but sometimes its just very hard to do.

What advice would I give siblings or friends in my place?
Make sure you have a counsoler, or therapist who is familar with bipolar and BPD, and learn all you can about them both, and stay on this site, as writing these threads is very therapeutic, and a source of good advice, and knowing you're not alone, helps a lot.
With tears in my eyes, a heart felt THANK YOU!
-Bittlecat