After 26 years discover wife has BPD

[Notgoneyet]

 Hi iadafa,
  Sorry you had such a rough day.  Too many of them have actually made me physically ill. When is the last time you took a day or even 1/2 a day just for yourself ? Hang out with your friend, road trip to an event, visit somewhere you've never been. Recharge your reserves!   .  It will benefit the whole family in the long run.
I also practice yoga, meditation, walking & hiking in the woods.
 SELFCARE IS IMPORTANT !
 
  In regards to the " One sided shouting match" it's abuse on her part & you don't have to take it at all. Try warning her next time to lower her voice to a more pleasant tone or you will leave the room, house, whatever it takes till thing cool off and can be discussed later It didn't take more than a few x's using this tool in our house to end 95% of the Shouting, however you must walk if she calls your bluff.
After learning this tool I couldn't believe I subjected myself & sons to this abuse for all the past yrs.

  I also can do nothing right or good enough on a lot of days even though I'm gone from the house at work a min. of 9 hrs up to 13hrs a day 6 to 7 days a wk. while she can't drive (so no job) other then pet sitting out of our home.  I take it all in with a grain of salt & keep telling myself that is just her illness dealing w her very low self esteem by projecting how she feels about herself onto me & others in her life.
  It helps a lot once you're familiar w how their brain works compared to us nons.

  Keep your head up! NGY
 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

I've been there.  I understand how natural it is to take care of yourself last when you have a BPD spouse and a handful of kids.  But it's unsustainable.  You have to take care of yourself.

How are you doing on sleep?  What time do you typically fall asleep?  Wake up?  Is your sleep interrupted in the middle of the night?  If so, do you spontaneously wake up, or does she wake you up?  When does she go to sleep?  Does she keep you up when you want to go to sleep?  If so, what does she do?

RC

[iadfa]

The communication is so lacking that I try not to get in her face.  Sometimes when I  interrupt her screaming she just walks away and there is no communication for hours or days.  I try to use we anytime I can so as to not upset her.  I tell her we need to talk in a calm and soothing voice.  I tell her that we need to discuss things in a calmer format and this has been resonating more with her.  When I try to discuss a subject that we both need to be involved in for weeks she just says that I am the one who is avoiding it even though I have tried numerous times to address the issue.  She even tells other friends that I am always the one that avoids these discussions.  I just listen in anger and frustration.  People think she is an angel, and she is when she is out in public.  Today I have to make some changes and I’ll let you know how it goes.  I may have to make these changes with her or without her.  I have to put my foot down.

I like the idea of my time.  I’ll go walking, jogging or biking today.

I sleep fine at night.  Although the next day I hear all about what she had to go through the night while I was sleeping.  Making me feel,like s—it and guilty.  It’s like someone you love just pounding away at you constantly any chance she gets.  I know some of this is my fault.  It’s been going on so long and I haven’t done anything about it.

She gets stressed out and frustrated at the slightest change that I make but when she switches the schedule around and it’s a disaster she says oops. No apologies and not that I expect one from her but there is no remorse, she never does anything wrong.  I’m trying to take more responsibilities away from her and I told her so.  The less she has to deal with even though it’s not reality, the less frustrated she will be.  I can handle more things on my schedule so I will pile it on.

I read on

Thank you all for invaluable information and support

[pearlsw]

The communication is so lacking that I try not to get in her face.  Sometimes when I  interrupt her screaming she just walks away and there is no communication for hours or days.  I try to use we anytime I can so as to not upset her.  I tell her we need to talk in a calm and soothing voice.  

Hi iadfa,

It takes time to take this all in and then to work on incremental change in so many areas that are breaking down.

Keeping the focus on yourself is one way to help you feel you have more control of things. Letting go of the idea that you can change her behavior may feel very liberating actually!

Have you had a chance to look at the information on validation that I shared above and give it a try? It is something you can do regularly in your interactions. Initially I didn't realize how invalidating I could be. It was great to find that out!

Glad to hear you taking time away for exercise! That's super!

In terms of apologizing I know it hurts not to hear the words.

What are you saying you will take on in order to take pressure off her? What do you have in mind with this?

sincerely, pearl.

[iadfa]

I understand that it is a long process.  It will take a lot of work. 

I was talking about taking away some of her household responsibilities so that she doesn’t get stressed out.

[iadfa]

How do I continue and make things better when I don’t trust her or have faith in her.  She has in so many words told me the same over the years.  I understand it is a disease ‘ malfunction but if I don’t know the last time she has lied or the last time she has been unfaithful to me then what should my goal be?  I completely understand that this may be a very common dilemma that BPD partners go through but i feel like I am having a lot of trouble with it. 

[iadfa]

I had another insight tonight.  I realized that we my be very incompatible because I show my “love” by touch and she feels love by feelings.

I am a very touchy type of person.  I demonstrate my love for her by embracing her, hugging and kissing and so forth.  She on the other hand states that she has to feel it. 

Any suggestions?

[pearlsw]

I had another insight tonight.  I realized that we my be very incompatible because I show my “love” by touch and she feels love by feelings.

I am a very touchy type of person.  I demonstrate my love for her by embracing her, hugging and kissing and so forth.  She on the other hand states that she has to feel it. 

Any suggestions?

Hi iadfa,

In my experience a relationship may meet many, but not all of your needs and that is okay. It just depends on what needs are not being met that one at some point may find a relationship cannot continue. Are you starting to sense you may no longer be compatible?

What do you think she means by she has to feel it? Does she want more emotion from you? Does she want you to say things that would make her feel more connected to you? Does she see you as not emotional compared to her?

In terms of you not having trust or faith in each other... .are there specific reasons for this or is this just a general sense you both have? What has she lied about?

take care, pearl.

[Enabler]

I had another insight tonight.  I realized that we my be very incompatible because I show my “love” by touch and she feels love by feelings.

I am a very touchy type of person.  I demonstrate my love for her by embracing her, hugging and kissing and so forth.  She on the other hand states that she has to feel it. 

Any suggestions?

Have you read a book called Love Languages by Gary Chapman? It's a Christian book. He believes there are 5 Love languages and we all give and receive in different ways... .and it often relates to how we show disdain as well.

Words of Affirmation - Validation
Gifts
Acts of Service
Touch
Quality time

For me personally, I receive Love via words of affirmation and touch, however I attempt to gain this Love through acts of service. My wife on the other hand is allllllllllll about the words, she craves words of affirmation. Worth a read if you want to learn more about this. The family one is also good. Working out what your kids want to feel loved is very important.

Enabler

[Tired in MD]

Hello iadfa,  boy can I relate to what you are experiencing.  I am also just learning about BPD and its' affect on my thirty year marriage.  I am just reading eggshells book.   Have to say sometimes I think the authors are talking about me in parts of the book.  Big problem for me is the mood swings and the blindsiding of some verbal attacks when I least expect it.  Trying to learn to never let my guard down.  Very stressful.  Thinking of you, 

Tired in MD

[iadfa]

In terms of you not having trust or faith in each other... .are there specific reasons for this or is this just a general sense you both have? What has she lied about?


I am not sure why she has no trust in me.  I’m sure I’ve done things in the past that made her feel that way.  She has also told me that I should not have any faith in her when we talked about her infidelities.  She lies about things that are important to me.  I don’t even know how many people she has been with since we have been together!

[iadfa]

I am not sure if I ever met her emotional needs except maybe when we first met.  I might have unconsciously given up.  After all,these years of trying to figure out what pleases her and not being able to consistently engage in a meaningful way I have become indifferent.  I have been drained of all energy, enthusiasm, happiness and that’s the truth.

[iadfa]

Thank you enabler

I will add that to the list of books I will be reading.

[Radcliff]

I am glad you are doing OK on sleep.  While we're giving book recommendations, let me suggest The High Conflict Couple, by Fruzzetti.  He is a BPD expert, but does not talk about BPD in the book, so at least two members I know of shared it with their pwBPD (with mixed success).  It came to mind when you spoke of how difficult it is to have conversations with your wife.

One of the biggest challenges for us is to depersonalize and distance ourselves from some of the hurtful behavior without disengaging from the relationship.  What are some of the strategies you use to protect yourself from hurtful speech?  What kinds of things does she say?

WW

[iadfa]

I have not obtained enough knowledge yet to be able to deal with hurtful speech.  I try not to react.  I tell her not to raise her voice and at this point in time that’s usually the end of the conversation.  Sometimes she says that she is not raising her voice but it sounds like screaming to me.  She also uses a lot of emotions when she gets loud so that adds to the intensity.  If I don’t say anything to stop it feels like getting run over by a tractor trailer. Now getting to the content of her speech is yet another story.  All the things she says have to do with making me feel guilty and not being present even though I am constantly present and helping out with the family.  She knows that and when I mention that to her she quiets down temporarily.  There are very rare moments when she is empathetic and states that I need to rest and had a long day which is so nice to hear knowing there is some aspect of real perspective in those statements.  There are statements of rejection mixed in there sometimes.  She tells me why are you here when I want to spend time with the kids or her?  She questions my intentions for just being present in her space. 

On and on it goes

[Radcliff]

You say she uses a lot of emotions when she gets loud.  Can you give us a recent example?

RC

[iadfa]

It’s all related to her dysregulated emotions.  It includes guilt, shame and lack of self worth.  It translates into anger and rage.  She is disabled emotionally and I am learning more and more about it.  She gets overwhelmed easily.  She can’t problem solve.  She can’t do simple things that takes me 5 minutes to do. 

I have been venting a lot.

All the literature on the subject is opening up my eyes  with what has been going on with her.  Everything I read about BPD resonates except the self harm and suicide.  I haven’t seen or heard anything about suicide or self harm.


I am having a hard time accepting all of this.
I’m angry at times.  I get frustrated and sometimes infuriated.  I’m having a hard time detaching myself from the situation and depersonalizing.  I have to learn this coping tool quickly.

[pearlsw]

I am having a hard time accepting all of this.
I’m angry at times.  I get frustrated and sometimes infuriated.  I’m having a hard time detaching myself from the situation and depersonalizing.  I have to learn this coping tool quickly.

Hi iadfa,

This may be a more advanced tool, but it sounds like you are reaching for so I wanna share it with you: Radical Acceptance

Take your time and pace things. It takes time to change yourself so just imagine what it would be like for her to, ya know? Be patient with yourself! Keep talking with us, we're with you!

warmly, pearl.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear iadfa-
As other members have said, Sorry you’re here, but really glad you found us.  And I’m sorry you’re in so much pain.  This IS a very difficult situation; but the “knowing” and ability to give her behavior a name will begin to clarify things for you.  And confuse you.  And make you question yourself.  Try not to.  Now breathe... .

I can feel your anxiety in wanting to understand BPD NOW! Now breathe again... .

You’ve gotten solid and wonderful replies and the great people here are amazingly anxious to help you. 

I’m not sure if anyone said this, I don’t think so, but to a pwBPD (person with BPD) FEELINGS = FACTS.  That’s an important concept for you to understand.  And once you begin to understand that, it becomes a LOT easier to de-personalize the bad things she says to you - or screams AT you. 

You also seem to have an advantage in that once you raise the issue of her screaming, she stops... .is that correct?  And that could be a first step in setting boundaries.   She is no longer permitted to scream - at anyone about anything.  Ever.  At this point, especially with your precious 4 children being victims of her verbal abuse, perhaps you can look at the boundaries section.  I may be wrong, But when she instantly stops screaming, she MAY actually respond to this request.  If it’s a convenient time, you can invite her to talk privately in another room.  Or ask her out to dinner to discuss things.

Here is a true account:  my uBPFbf is like a tea kettle (VERY high functioning, great long-term job), with cruel intensely personal rages that nearly blew the hair off my head and emptied my soul.  I learned about BPD 3.5 years into our relationship. He fits all criteria except self-harm and infidelity (we’re too old for that?).  He HAD to blow pretty frequently.  Once I figured it all out,  learned some communication tools and began setting some boundaries, I had a talk with him about his rages.  I asked how he felt when the rages took place, and agreed it must “feel” so bad in his body when it happened.  He explained he couldn’t help it when it happened.  And I explained that I knew he  COULD control it at times, or he would NOT have been able to be so valued at work.  But told him I understood that every now and again he needed to empty his anger, so he had permission to do that.  BUT... .he had to warn me.  AND, he had to NOT make it personal and he was NOT ALLOWED to call me names.  And it worked for a good while.

I want to acknowledge that this is an overwhelming time for you.  Please go easy on yourself.  One step, and baby ones at that, at a time.  I think a part of self-care, could maybe be taking your kids on a little walk with just you.  Or maybe a trip to the ice cream shop.  And perhaps present it to your BPDw that you’d like her to have an hour just to herself for a nice warm, quiet soak in the tub.  Something like that.  And when with your kids, reinforce how much you love them.

Finally... .regarding any potential infidelities on her part.  If you can... .put it out of your mind for the time being.  I know, easy for me to say (but it’s not).  There ARE more important things to address right now.  When your BPDw senses your behavior changing (and she will), she may initially respond with some anger; but ignore it.  It’s unlikely she’ll respond by cheating.  At least how I see it... .because you’re MORE engaged.

Yep... .FEELINGS = FACTS.  A good thing to keep in mind.  And most of us are limping along, just like you.

Please keep posting.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[iadfa]

I am so grateful for all the incredible support from the crew.  I had to take a few days off to think on my own.  It didn’t help.  I feel so helpless because I feel like I have wasted all my energy all these years trying to be logical.  As I understand it now logic has nothing to do with what’s going on in my life.  I’ll spend the next few weeks and months trying to learn about all this and will read all of the suggested links and books.  I promised her dad I would take care of her and that I will do.  I am such a novice at this point and I realize that so I will work to get a better understanding of this so I can help her.  I know her better than anyone in this world and hopefully that will help along the way.  i Will never , ever give up on her.  I love her and always have.  I don’t care what she says or does to me.  I will move forward and hopefully gain some skills that will help me along the way.  She is like a confused child.  I will be her keeper.  All I can do is tell her that I am always here for her even if she rejects me for now.  If eternity was possible I would devote myself.  I am that dedicated to having her get better.  She means the world to me and I will pursue that dream for now.

[pearlsw]

I don’t care what she says or does to me.  I will move forward and hopefully gain some skills that will help me along the way.  She is like a confused child.  I will be her keeper.  All I can do is tell her that I am always here for her even if she rejects me for now.  If eternity was possible I would devote myself.  I am that dedicated to having her get better.  She means the world to me and I will pursue that dream for now.

Hi iadfa,

We understand - this is a lot to take in!

I want to kindly and gently invite you to keep spending some of your time here. A lot of this process that you are going through, learning about the illness and how to manage with it, you can pick up by reading and posting here regularly. It is a place for learning and to support your own healing and recovery.

It is admirable that you love her so much and are devoted to her, however please don't make yourself into a martyr or tolerate any kind of treatment that comes your way. That is not healthy for you. There are ways to be in a relationship with someone with mental illness, but preferably you would have some support in doing so, okay? This site could be one part of your support network if you allow it to be.

It does matter what she says and does to you, okay? You matter! Although you may be able to depersonalize the behaviors, I strongly encourage you not to tolerate any form of abuse. If you are ever abused it is important that you not become isolated and have outside sources of support - this can become very isolating. People here understand and have been there. It is imperative that you have a connection with others so you don't run the risk of losing touch with reality which can happen when you are with someone who has such strong emotions and sometimes even the ability to bend reality.

You can post conversations or situations you want to rethink or get some real time help with. There are lot of ways to benefit from this site as well as sharing and giving back to others via offering support. We are all teaching and learning from each other here.

Here is something to review:

Being An Emotional Caregiver

wishing you peace, pearl.

[iadfa]

I continue to read and listen to a vast number of references as recommended.  It is extremely insightful.  I learn more each day about her and BPD.  It is helping me a lot to understand her behavior.  I am overwhelmed at times about the vast amount of information specially the parts that pertain to my relationship.  I think the validating is an enourmous help in my situation.  I have been critical and judging her and I have stopped that.  She cycles a lot during the day and the week.  It’s hard to keep up with her mood.  I’m also using validation with the kids and it is having a very positive effect.  As a matter of fact it is so effective that some of the kids feel like I’m the only decent parent.  She is noticing my conversations with them and for now she watches me.  I hope this doesn’t cause problems.  When difficult situations arise with the kids she wants me to deal with it so I’m glad this is positive for now

[Harri]

Hi!  It is good to know that positive changes are happening!  That is wonderful news.  Validation, and sometimes making sure you at least are not invalidating, is very powerful. 



I am going to lock this thread as it has reached the post limit, but I do encourage you to start a new thread and perhaps focus on some of the behaviors you are still struggling with.  This was a great conversation so I hope you continue.