How to deal with empathy ?

[AoiKoutei]

Hello everyone !

During my progression to understand how BPD works and how to respond to it, there is always one question I have serious difficulty to answer.

How to deal with empathy for the person with BPD ?

In my case, when I'm angry against my uBPD mother, I automatically have this inside voice which tells me "But it's not her fault ! She has been awfully abused during her childhood, it's her parents' fault if she's like that. Don't blame her. She didn't ask to suffer from a personality disorder, she is a victim too". Even if my mother has an unbearable abusive behavior against me, I still have this immediate reaction, and I feel guilty for blaming her.

And, to be honest, I just don't know what I should think about this empathy.

Is it normal to have empathy for my mother and should I listen this inner voice (so stop blaming her) ? Or is it part of the abuse, a survival reaction, and should I mute it ?

I know the Stockholm syndrom has been rejected concerning relatives of a pwBPD, but I can't stop thinking that the same mechanism often occurs.

Thank you

[Kwamina]

Hi AoiKoutei

I think it's normal and in fact healthy to be able to empathize with people, even our BPD parents. Having said that, I also think many of us have lived in an environment in which we very often were living in the FOG (fear, obligation and/or guilt). It can be difficult distinguishing between empathy and a perhaps internalized voice telling us to feel guilty or obligated.

Though your mother is disordered and as a result suffers from distorted thinking and perception, she is still an adult and within the framework of her disorder, she is still responsible for her own behavior.

That she's disordered, does not mean that you therefore are not allowed or would be wrong for taking actions to protect yourself from abusive behavior. Because even when we know that our parent is disordered and that their negative behavior isn't a reflection of who we really are at all, being subjected to abuse is still quite an unpleasant experience.

Do you think your inner voice comes forth from empathy or perhaps more from a place of fear, obligation and/or guilt?

…... fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG") are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

When you were a child, did your mother perhaps often make you feel guilty about things, especially when you got angry about the way she treated you? Did your mother often portray or cast herself as a victim?

[JNChell]

Hello, AoiKoutei. I have been following your story, and I’m very glad that you brought it to this support group. There is a synergy here. Posting your struggles helps everyone else here as well. Thank you for sharing and becoming part of the community.

I was also glad to read that you have a good relationship with your sister. That she has become aware of what is going on. I have the same thing with my sis, and it has made a world of difference. Our parents have been dead since 2010, but our parents conditions are what ultimately drew us closer.

How to deal with empathy for the person with BPD ?

As Kwamina stated, it’s ok to have empathy for your parents. It’s also important to understand how your parents have affected you thus far. You’re excited to begin college again. Good for you! I imagine that this is partly due to wanting to be away from your home life, and it’s completely understandable.

You know, when you speak of empathy I’m reminded of a use of words that I’ve read here many times. “It’s ok to love and empathize from afar.” Your mom and dad have not been healthy for you. This has been established. I’m sensing that you feel like you’re obligated to them. I understand this, but this is not the case. You are only obligated to yourself. This mindset would not deem you as selfish or entitled. This mindset should’ve been taught to you by your parents. I know that it’s a foreign concept, but it’s true. Stay with us, keep posting and processing and it will become more clear.

In my case, when I'm angry against my uBPD mother, I automatically have this inside voice which tells me "But it's not her fault ! She has been awfully abused during her childhood, it's her parents' fault if she's like that. Don't blame her. She didn't ask to suffer from a personality disorder, she is a victim too". Even if my mother has an unbearable abusive behavior against me, I still have this immediate reaction, and I feel guilty for blaming her.

I empathize with what you describe here. Yes, in order for her to act this way, she probably experienced a terrible childhood. Just like I have, and just like you currently are. This stuff, these behaviors can become multi-generational. Passed down over and over again. The good news is that you’re here with peers. You’re processing this and figuring it out. You are ending this cycle just like the rest of us here. I’m happy for you for doing this.

I’d like you to consider something. How would it feel if you were to start focusing more of your love and empathy on yourself for a while? You’re smart, so I’d also ask that you dig up some information on this site about setting boundaries. This one is huge for your own self care.

Or is it part of the abuse, a survival reaction, and should I mute it ?

It is part of the abuse. As far as it being a survival reaction, you tell us how you currently feel about that. I expect that you will receive feedback that is similar and very validating. Validation is important and it is something that you will find here that people like you and me didn’t receive.

You should never mute it out. This equates to stuffing your feelings. Trauma lives in the body. Physically, not just spiritually. It is vitally important that you don’t do this. I’ve done this, and it caused me to snap eventually. You’re young and catching this stuff early. I’m so happy for you for recognizing it.

We’re here to walk with you through this. Do something nice for yourself today and keep us posted.

[AoiKoutei]

Do you think your inner voice comes forth from empathy or perhaps more from a place of fear, obligation and/or guilt?

Hi Kwamina, thank you for your answer !

This is a very interesting question, I have to admit I have never looked at this empathy as a form of obligation or guilt.
But I think you may be right. This feeling I have when I get angry against her may not really be empathy, but guilt. I guess this inner voice doesn't say "Don't be so mean, she's a poor girl, try to understand her", but rather "How dare you think like that after everything she has done for you ? She sacrificed herself to make you happy, and look how you thank her !"
But now, this voice is clearly not mine, but hers. I pick up on your next question.
 

When you were a child, did your mother perhaps often make you feel guilty about things, especially when you got angry about the way she treated you? Did your mother often portray or cast herself as a victim?

Yes clearly, and this is why this guilty voice is hers. She would always list for hours "all the things she did" for my sister and I. That she fought her own mother in court to prevent her from having visitation rights, that she bought me [insert all my bithday gifts here], that she brought me to the psychiatric emergencies after I made a pannic attack etc. While I'm so selfish, thinking about my own needs, not disclosing her my sister's secrets etc.

Just writing these words makes a lot of sense about this "empathy". We have always been taught this automatism : "feeling angry against my mother => feeling guilty". I now better understand why you thought about guilt, and I think it rings just.

Thank you Kwamina !

[AoiKoutei]

Hi JNChell ! Thank you for your reply !

You’re excited to begin college again. Good for you! I imagine that this is partly due to wanting to be away from your home life, and it’s completely understandable.

Yes, clearly ! I can't wait to meet new people of my age and get out of my home. In the meantime, I'm reviewing job offers, looking for something to do during september.

You are only obligated to yourself. This mindset would not deem you as selfish or entitled. This mindset should’ve been taught to you by your parents. I know that it’s a foreign concept, but it’s true. Stay with us, keep posting and processing and it will become more clear.

Being obligated to oneself indeed sounds foreign for me, but it may be obvious for a lot of people. I know I won't be able to truly get it until a lot of time, but I think it will improve as I read psychology books, progress in my therapy, and keep you posted. And I hope, one day, it will be obvious for me too.

This stuff, these behaviors can become multi-generational. Passed down over and over again. The good news is that you’re here with peers. You’re processing this and figuring it out. You are ending this cycle just like the rest of us here. I’m happy for you for doing this.

I'm happy too that my sister and I could possibly end this pathological circle. I'm glad we discovered BPD early. When I think about all my relatives, it is quite impressive to see how our family tree is ill. I once drew a family tree, as we do as kids, but linked every members with their destructive influences. The result was a real mess, but I think it is quite representative. What is very relevant in my family is how BPD has worked as a magnet. I'm pretty sure my paternal grandmother suffered from BPD, and this is why my father fell in love with my BP mother. He finds his place in this relationship ; he has to be controlled and abused because he didn't know another kind of interraction. He just reproduces his trauma. Besides, I'm pretty sure my sister or I could have suffered from BPD too, but fortunately, my mother often switched the "all-good" and "no good" child (which is quite decisive I understood).

I’d like you to consider something. How would it feel if you were to start focusing more of your love and empathy on yourself for a while? You’re smart, so I’d also ask that you dig up some information on this site about setting boundaries. This one is huge for your own self care.

Having empathy for oneself also sounds very new and strange. I can already hear my mother deeming it as selfish. However, I think it may be the first thing I should work on. Sometimes, I do truly have empathy for myself. I keep a diary for four years, and sometimes, I read what I wrote a long time ago. Reading all this endless circle of guilt, self-blaming, depression, self-hate... .I once cried in front of the mirror, and told myself "my poor boy, you just don't deserve that".

I often hide this uncomfortable feeling by telling myself "it's not so serious", "some people experience more horrible things" or by just making fun of it. But I guess I should really keep in mind the seriousness of the situation, and hear at this inner and caring voice. I will work on it !

You should never mute it out. This equates to stuffing your feelings. Trauma lives in the body. Physically, not just spiritually. It is vitally important that you don’t do this. I’ve done this, and it caused me to snap eventually. You’re young and catching this stuff early. I’m so happy for you for recognizing it.

My question was a little bit misstated so I don't want to misinterpret your answer. Do you advise me not to mute my empathy, or not to mute my anger ?

Thank you again for your answer, and all you precious tools.

[JNChell]

Hi there, AoiKoutei!

Yes, clearly ! I can't wait to meet new people of my age and get out of my home. In the meantime, I'm reviewing job offers, looking for something to do during september.

This is great to hear! Believe it or not, you’re practicing self care with being proactive like this. Be proud of yourself. You’re doing well.

Being obligated to oneself indeed sounds foreign for me, but it may be obvious for a lot of people. I know I won't be able to truly get it until a lot of time, but I think it will improve as I read psychology books, progress in my therapy, and keep you posted. And I hope, one day, it will be obvious for me too.

You are already seeing, accepting things and making plans for your own well being. You’re doing great, and we’re all so glad that you found your way to this support group. By the way, cross reference these first two quotes that I have in bold lettering here. Do you see a connection?

When I think about all my relatives, it is quite impressive to see how our family tree is ill.

It is quite impressive. What also sticks out to me from your comment here, is that you appear to be looking at it objectively and not simply from an emotional angle. I believe, from my own experience, that it is very important to be able to step outside of the situation and view it for what it is from your POV. To allow your instincts to be a guiding factor, to assess the situation and to decide for yourself how that situation sits with you. Then you can decide what you want to do with the situation. You’ll have to allow yourself space to do this.

Having empathy for oneself also sounds very new and strange. I can already hear my mother deeming it as selfish.

I’m sorry that you don’t have proper support in your corner. All of us here empathize with you on how new and strange the concept of caring for ourselves is. In time, the more that you interact here with fellow peers, it will start to make sense. You will begin to realize that it should’ve been this way all along. Humans are free thinkers by nature. This, IMHO, is the beauty of it all. But, nature and biology has its flaws, for lack of a better term.

Through struggles like these, I can see how different theories and philosophies came to be. Within all of this confusion, debate over what is right or wrong, or good or bad, there is Radical Acceptance. I hope you’re having a nice day, AoiKoutei.

[AoiKoutei]

Hi JNChell !

Talking about Radical Acceptance has caught my attention, it seems to be a very interesting way to deal with pain. I will dig into this notion.

Thank you for your kind answer, I will keep you posted !