Ended relationship almost 3 weeks ago

[WhoMe51]

 
I ended my relationship almost 3 weeks ago with my dBPDgf of 8 years.  I couldn't stand the push pull anymore.  But now I find myself wanting to break nc which I initiated.  I don't know if I'm just going through withdrawals or what?  I have been trying to get my life in order.  I have been going to the gym, eating right and my sleep patterns are a little off but I do get in bed early.  I just wake up really early now.  But nothing seems to work.   My anxiety is over the top right now.  I know that reaching out to her will only lead me back to nc, but it's all I can think about.  And the more I try not to think about her, the more I think about her.  As I'm typing this, I realize how much it sounds like addiction.  I would appreciate any advice on how to get past this stage.

[Lostinthedesert]

I certainly understand your feelings of obsession and longing.  I am now 60 days NC and nearly three months since I had to finally stop the crazy back and forth and just walk away.  I still fight some of those feelings, but what works for me is to get very realistic and remember what that relationship really was in terms of the damage to me.  I remind myself every day that my ex just isn't capable of an adult, mutual, stable, real relationship and will always pull in some type of drama or push/pull dynamics.  I have found you must truly believe that your happiness, your needs, your life is the first priority right now.  I have been writing, reading, listening to mediation tapes, going out with friends, and even in the dark times of heartache and pain, I still want to hold on to my dignity realizing that someday it will be better.  So hold on, and keep doing what is best for you in the long run... .moving on!

[WhoMe51]

Lostinthedesert,

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I really appreciate them.  I just have this feeling of being lost right now.  I feel like I'm just going through the motions with no direction.  I keep telling myself to keep walking forward and I know eventually I won't feel like this.  I have been down this road before, but for some reason I can't seem to get a handle on things.  I go to counseling twice a month.  So I am making the effort to get better.  I have a couple of friends that I hang out with from time to time.  I know that healing takes time.  I just got back from a ride on my Harley.  I love riding.  Its the one thing that I still enjoy doing.  I rode for awhile this afternoon.  And not once while I was riding did I think about her.  It was great.  I will get through this  And when I feel like breaking contact, I'm going to get on here and post. 

[Educated_Guess]

Hi WhoMe51!  I'm sorry you are going through a difficult time and I can empathize with that feeling of being lost.  I felt the same in the weeks after my breakup.  Reading the boards here really helped me.  When I would start to doubt that it was BPD or doubt her destructive tendencies (she was really skilled at taking destructive words and statements and making them sound that she was the one being nice), I would come here and read other people's stories.  It helped to remind me that BPD is real, what I feel is real and I am not alone. 

Blessings to you!  You seem to be on the right track.  It really does start getting better.

[WhoMe51]

Educated_Guess,

I agree this is a good place to gain understanding to what has happened in our lives.  I have read many stories on here that I could have written.  I find it amazing that we all went through similiar pain in order to find this place and to realize our part in this BPD dynamic.  I hope you continue to detach and take care of yourself on your journey to healing. 

[confusedbybdp]

  WhoMe51,

I only ended my relationship one week ago, but I hope that I can still offer some help to a fellow sufferer.  Today, I found myself dwelling on how much I miss by BPDbf.  Nothing on tv distracted me, and I even contemplated going back to bed in the middle of the day.  Something told me that that would be a REALLY bad habit to get into, and that I was BETTER THAN THAT!  I got off the couch and took care of a couple of things at my desk - paperwork, etc.  In some ways, I was going through the motions, because I still had a pit in my stomach.  BUT, I still did it, and I knew that at the end of the day, I would look back on it and feel good about not giving into the romantic despair.  After the deskwork, I went downtown to pay a bill, and it took me TWO TIMES to write the check correctly - you can see that my thoughts were still messing with my mind!    But again, there was a little voice inside me that said "you may be struggling, but you are not defeated!"  Stay strong ONE HOUR at a time.  You are not alone!

[Shawnlam]

The hardest part my friend is the waiting game .It takes enormous control not to reach out.You ended this relationship yourself correct ? Odds are you either had enough,sixth sense was probably firing off a million times a day ( been there) and I’m sure you have other reasons .All I can say that may help you is continue the gym,eating and sleeping better but if you have that ability ,surround yourself with outside support(family friends) .Distract yourself with activities and hobbies even work if you can put in more hours .When you wanna reach out to her best thing I can say write what you want to tell her here .Even if it’s two words or a paragraph or short story just write it down.Sometimes we just gotta fire off what’s going on upstairs, if it doesn’t come out it corrupts our better judgement.I know because I didn’t do it all the time and made mistakes , but now I keep a journal for most everything I do  not just relationships.

You know what else I’ve tried for emotional control , if you look up Elliott hulse ( pro strong man) no longer uploads new content but has lots of good old content.He recommends (don’t laugh at this) but expulsing negative energy.Let me explain: if you have a need to cry ,go to a place where you can be alone , and cry .But not just cry I mean cry like you need to.Same with anger, scream and yell of you have to get it all out .I felt stupid a few weeks ago about how I reacted to something my gf did , I spent at least 10 min laughing hysterically to get out the feeling of feeling stupid.I walked out of my meditation room like a zombie ,emotions back to normal , I gave out what I was keeping inside .I did this under my control,my terms , with nobody seeing anything different.Humans aren’t (Vulcans from Star Trek ) we try to “ feel strong “ but we just bottle it up and it eats us from the inside out.


Hope this helps

[Drs204]

.When you wanna reach out to her best thing I can say write what you want to tell her here .Even if it’s two words or a paragraph or short story just write it down.Sometimes we just gotta fire off what’s going on upstairs, if it doesn’t come out it corrupts our better judgement.I know because I didn’t do it all the time and made mistakes , but now I keep a journal for most everything I do  not just relationships.

Writing stuff down and journaling is a good idea. I do that, and am doing that going through this breakup.

I have a word doc going. I may write in it several times each day for a few days or not at all for a few weeks. Just when i feel like I need to get stuff out, or things I would like to say to her.

In my case my xgfwBPD broke up with me after almost 2 years and had a new BF a month later. (Impulsiveness... .) It tore me apart. She isn't talking to me anymore either and has gone NC. Journaling for me is an outlet for things I would like to say to her but can't. Also helps me keep things straight. I wrote all the BPD stuff she was doing and so on.

Try it, it helps.

[WhoMe51]

confusedbyBPD,

I am sorry that you are going through this too.  I hope you continue strong on your journey to healing.  I liked what you said about getting off the couch and doing something.  It's so easy to stay on the couch or sit in front of the tv.  But it isn't until we make ourselves get up and get going that we start to heal.  I did the same thing yesterday.  I think it's all about changing our focus.  When I was in the relationship with my ex, my main focus was on her.  And now that the relationship is over, I'm having a hard time focusing on me.  That's where the lost feelings come in.  But I know we can get through this.  One step at a time.


Shawnlam,

I was the one who ended the relationship.  I had enough of the push/pull, the blaming for everything and all the other stuff she was doing.  She stopped going to therapy and she got off her meds.  When she was doing both, she seemed like a totally different person.  I encouraged her to continue therapy and of course this would make her mad.  When she stopped going to counseling, she told me that I should stop going to my counselor.  I told her that I needed to go to mine so that I could get over my abusive childhood.  And she also helped me to realize how codependent I had been.  I told her that I could choose what I wanted to do, just like she could.  And this is where the push/pull and dangling the carrot on the stick came in again.  Before all this, things were going smoothly even enough for us to plan on moving in together. 

Thanks for the Elliot Hulse reference.  He says it like it is.


DRS304,

I am sorry that you are going through this too.  That would be pretty tough to endure after an intense 2 year relationship.  She found herself a new hero to attach to.  It's so hard to understand how they do it so fast.  And it does'nt have anything to do with you as a person.  It's how she is.  As far as I know, my ex hasn't found anyone yet.  Eventhough, she had several emotional affairs in the begining of our relationship that I found out later.  Journaling is a good way to write down feelings that we are having in the moment.  I do this from time to time and I go back and read them to stay strong.  I journaled while I was in the relationship.  I went back and read last night some things I had written down.  And I was reminded of how confusing this relationship was at times.  And how I could never get anything right with her.  I hope you keep walking forward and learning about yourself on your journey.

[confusedbybdp]

It seems that a few (or maybe most) of us find journaling a good way of keeping track of what went on in the relationship, and reminding ourselves of the REALITY, particularly at times we have the longing to reconnect.

I had done that, and will continue to, but I've also hit the record button on my phone and just started talking into it.  I found that listening to my own voice tell "my story" was incredibly helpful.  I will probably continue to do both kinds of journaling. 

I have read that for men, the sex often is amazing with their gfwBPD (or wife, ex-wiveswBPD).  From a woman's perspective (mine), I found the sex with my bfwBPD was powerful and exciting, but his sexual drive was out of this world!  I don't know how you guys feel about it, but most women who don't have a sexual compulsion or sexual control issues do NOT want to have sex/make love three times a day!  Phew!    My bfwBPD also told me about his sexual fantasies all the time, and I ended up feeling like a "filling station" - like he was self soothing or filling up an emotional void by having sex/making love with me.

[Shawnlam]

Actually people with BPD do use sex to fill a void and for the dopamine hit so you are not alone.Im a guy who like most loves sex and I have trouble keeping up with my gf , so I know what you mean .Its Unfortunate because it’s what sometimes gets these folks in trouble in relationships, but then again it does it to for normal ppl.

[Skip]

Eight years is a long time. She is part of the fabric of your life.

I had a friend, years ago, who had a drinking problem, got sober, and then went off the wagon. The second time he got sober, he carried a soda can with him at all times (to replace the beer can). That made a huge difference - because beer was so ingrained in his life - even the can had a role.

Bonding There are no simple tricks like this for the end of an eight year relationship, but this is what is affecting you. Everything from picking shirts to favorite restaurants has her impression on it.

Biologically, this is all the nature of bonding - this is part of the biological glue that keeps couples together.

Depression There may be some depression going on. 72% of members suffer from depression. We have a test for it here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79772.0  If you are depressed, it will help to know, because it distorts our thinking (insidiously) and looking at the 10 common distortions and being aware helps.

Anxiety Running, the gym, and an occasional zanex can beat back anxiety. I got a Rx 10 years ago, still have 3/4 left, but they were life savers. I cut them in quarters, they act fast (10 minutes), last an hour, get you over the surges of anxiety.

Low Contact No contact is stressful. Sometimes having a little contact is much easier to live with... .just don't talk about the relationship. You will want to open a thread and talk this out before acting, but many members did better with LC.

It's hard, man. Eight years is a long time. She is part of you. It's a big loss to grieve and recover.

We're here for you.

[SerendipityChild]

As I'm typing this, I realize how much it sounds like addiction.  I would appreciate any advice on how to get past this stage.

You are in the right place. I have just discovered this a few weeks ago and it helped me cope. Made me feel like I am not alone and the support is overwhelming.
The codependency is a hard thing to break. Think of the vicious cycle and how it affects you mentally and physically. Is this something you really want in your life hours, days, weeks or months from now?