Sad after breakup with BPD bf

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello!  Thank you for being there, BPD Family.  Last week, I "finally" ended my year-long relationship with my boyfriend with BPD.  I cannot remember how many times I attempted to leave before this last time, but as the months went by, the frequency of our breakups rapidly grew - sometimes to once a week.  Each time I tried to break things off gently, my bf became his "best self," logical, calm, adult, and persuasive in assuring me that things would be different, and that we belonged together.  I loved him, and still do, so I would return to the relationship, only to find that within a very short time, my bf became smothering and grasping for more and more of my attention and time.  He has strong traits of "BPD waif," and frequently felt victimized by people and life circumstances.  The adult I loved would disappear, and I was left trying to deal with and comfort a 4 year old child.  Nothing was ever enough, no amount of love, comfort, or reassurance ever healed the suffering of this inner child.  As time went on, I wearied of this dynamic, and knew that nothing I did would ever last.  The cycle was exhausting, and the more he needed me to soothe him, the more I wanted to run.  I miss him, and I miss being loved by this extraordinary man, but I had to save myself from the dysfunction in our relationship.  It is so sad.

[confusedbybdp]

Hello!  Thank you for being there, BPD Family.  Last week, I "finally" ended my year-long relationship with my boyfriend with BPD.  I cannot remember how many times I attempted to leave before this last time, but as the months went by, the frequency of our breakups rapidly grew - sometimes to once a week.  Each time I tried to break things off gently, my bf became his "best self," logical, calm, adult, and persuasive in assuring me that things would be different, and that we belonged together.  I loved him, and still do, so I would return to the relationship, only to find that within a very short time, my bf became smothering and grasping for more and more of my attention and time.  He has strong traits of "BPD waif," and frequently felt victimized by people and life circumstances.  The adult I loved would disappear, and I was left trying to deal with and comfort a 4 year old child.  Nothing was ever enough, no amount of love, comfort, or reassurance ever healed the suffering of this inner child.  As time went on, I wearied of this dynamic, and knew that nothing I did would ever last.  The cycle was exhausting, and the more he needed me to soothe him, the more I wanted to run.  I miss him, and I miss being loved by this extraordinary man, but I had to save myself from the dysfunction in our relationship.  It is so sad.

[EdR]

Could you describe more about the dysfunctional dynamics of your r/s?

Although you could indeed be done with the r/s because of the 'smothering', that still is primarily an indication of how you felt about it. Asking for more attention or even 'smothering' behaviour to some extent is actually quite normal in a romantic r/s.
What most of us encountered here is the dysfunctional dynamic of push/pull. Of 'smothering' and then suddenly abandoning you or painting you black.

So what was this dysfunctional dynamic in your r/s?

[confusedbybdp]

Thank you for reaching out.  My bf wanted to spend all of his free time with me.  Even if we had spent the day together, he craved spending the evening, or overnight with me.  He could not tolerate being alone.  I felt as though he was trying to live through me.  Eat what I ate, drink what I drank, etc.  He seemed to lack his own "self," and I felt that if he could have crawled inside of me, only then would he feel safe.

[EdR]

I can see how unnerving that could be. But because I don't see the painting black or other hurtful behaviour, I would be more inclined to just look at this behaviour without the label of BPD.

He could be depressed, codependent or a lot of things for that matter. But what matters most to you is the fact that his behaviour lead to 'compatibility issues'.
You seem to indicate you tried to get your point across in a gentle way, so you did all you could do.

I don't think there seems to be a reason to be too harsh on him or anything. So remain your gentle self. You guys just weren't compatible. At least not in this moment in time.

[JNChell]

Hello, confusedbyBPD. I’m very sorry that you find yourself hurting over your bf, but equally as glad that you found us. We help each other here. We can understand because we “get it”.

I "finally" ended my year-long relationship with my boyfriend with BPD.  I cannot remember how many times I attempted to leave before this last time, but as the months went by, the frequency of our breakups rapidly grew - sometimes to once a week.  Each time I tried to break things off gently, my bf became his "best self," logical, calm, adult, and persuasive in assuring me that things would be different, and that we belonged together.

You believe that your ex bf has BPD. I can see very familiar characteristics as will you while spending more time with this community. You’ve found a good and safe place.

What you described are “recycles”. You’re going to read that term a lot. It’s a typical BPD behavior.

Nothing was ever enough

No. It wasn’t, and it’s not your fault. We’re not clinicians here, we are peer based, but many of us have been through what you have. We get it. Anything you tried would’ve never been enough. I empathize with you on how draining it is to give, give and give more with no return.

The cycle was exhausting

It certainly was. Feeling trapped there skewed our perception of ourselves, mostly. Did you lose friends? Did your relationship with family members change?

Stay with us. Many of us arrived here in the same shape that you’re currently in. We’re here to walk with you as well as learn from you.

[confusedbybdp]

Am I replying to posts the right way - by hitting the "Reply" button?  I feel like I'm replying to my own post, rather than replying to others' comments!

[JNChell]

Yes, the reply button is correct.

[confusedbybdp]

  JNChell,

Thanks for your comments!  Yes, the situation did affect my relationships with my friends and family.  I was "ashamed" of how much conflict we were experiencing, and the endless breakups and makeups, and so over time, I just kept it all to myself and did not share what was happening in my life.  Of course, that isolated me, and so from time to time, I tried to reach out to friends.  But even though I have people who care about me, none of my friends seemed too interested in learning more about BPD.  Their comments were just shooting from the hip, like "that's crazy" or "end it!"  Not only was that not helpful, but I felt that it invalidated what I was going through, and how different this was from "regular" relationships and breakups!

[JNChell]

I was "ashamed" of how much conflict we were experiencing, and the endless breakups and makeups, and so over time, I just kept it all to myself and did not share what was happening in my life.

I did the same thing. I protected her real identity from those closest to me. I loved her, and through that love I found it necessary to do so. While you were protecting your bf’s identity, did you ever catch wind of him talking badly about you to people?

I tried to reach out to friends.  But even though I have people who care about me, none of my friends seemed too interested in learning more about BPD.  Their comments were just shooting from the hip, like "that's crazy" or "end it!"  Not only was that not helpful, but I felt that it invalidated what I was going through, and how different this was from "regular" relationships and breakups!

You are absolutely right. It’s impossible to truly understand what you’ve been through unless someone has been through something similar themselves. Your friends simply don’t know. As a friend, be glad that they don’t know.

We’re here for you. We do understand. You are not alone in this. 
What else can you tell us about your relationship?

[confusedbybdp]

I did the same thing. I protected her real identity from those closest to me. I loved her, and through that love I found it necessary to do so. While you were protecting your bf’s identity, did you ever catch wind of him talking badly about you to people?
[/b]

My first reaction on reading your comment was how "sweet" you were to want to protect your gf's real identity, even from those closest to you.  I know how screwed up that sounds.  But, on some level, was't your instinct "to protect" her a loving gesture?  The only problem is that there are too many levels to this situation!  I believe your desire to protect her from others who might have formed unkind (and very probably, uninformed) impressions of her, is the very definition of gallant.  However, the desire or need to shield the identity of our loved one from others is a big RED FLAG, isn't it?  

I was not aware of any comments my bf may have made about me that were derogatory, BUT I certainly have read that that is a common occurrence with BPD.  However, I did receive a negative text from him, that he later told me he had written, but had NOT intended to send to me.  As I remember it, the text had a "screw her" tone to it.  It was during a time when he had "gone silent" for a few days, so there's no telling what was going on during that time.

[JNChell]

My first reaction to your comment is tears. Thank you for bringing this out. Crying has been a hard thing to find, but it is important to do.

But, on some level, was't your instinct "to protect" her a loving gesture?  The only problem is that there are too many levels to this situation!

It was out of love and nothing more. It was always about love, or what I thought love to be. You are so right! There are many levels to this. Do you find that being the hard part? Where do we place that burden? Which level?

I’m sorry about the text. I know that it hurt. How much have you learned about BPD? Do you think that he may have been projecting when he said those hurtful things? Just a thought.

[JNChell]

BTW, thanks for joining in here. There is a great deal of synergy here, and you’ve just added to it. Your reaching out helps others.