cutting contact & dying parent

[Daga]

Hi everyone, this will be a very long post so please forgive me if there is too much detail.

I first posted here back in November in regards to my uBPD mother.  At that time, she was recently diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer and I recently made the realization about her condition.  I was struggling with keeping healthy boundaries and being the care taker while my parents emotionally and verbally abused me.

In my previous post people have kindly suggested that I get her some help and perhaps talk to a social worker.  I have tried to do that, but she refused to accept any help as she claimed she doesn’t have a problem and she doesn’t know what she would say, meanwhile she used me as a sounding board to all her problems.  My dad washed his hands of majority of his responsibilities (as he did majority of my life) as I was taking care of mom for him. 

I really struggled for months trying to be calm and rational for both and making sure their needs are met with absolutely no gratitude and just constant abuse.  My mom would use me as a scape goat to release all her anxiety by picking fights over stupid things like me telling her to bring a sweater to the hospital because it is cold.  All my attempts to communicate to her that I need to be treated with bit of respect and decency went unheard, instead what she did is she pined my dad on me and the two of them now united against their “horrible, uncaring daughter”.  There was one particularly nasty incident that triggered an uncontrollable eye twitch and made me really feel like I have exhausted all options and in order to regain my sanity I needed to cut all contact with them.  There were few more nasty incidences over Christmas where I basically told her I will not be spending time with someone that treats me this way, she reacted by smashing dishes. 

Over the following months I had very little contact, when I did I keep reiterating that I will not continue the relationship the way it has been, that I am done pretending that everything is ok and if they want to rebuild our relationship they have to do so by acknowledging what has happened and take ownership of their behaviour.  Of course none of that happened and in one of the most recent phone conversations where my mother once again tried to get me to play along the happy dutiful daughter because there was a family member visiting I lost my ___ and said “No more!”.  I spoke very frankly and perhaps very harshly and got quite emotional.  I expressed how seriously they stress me out and my desire not to have anything to do with them if they continue not to acknowledge their behaviour and treatment of me.

Of course non what I have said registered as valid feelings on my part, instead my mother played a victim which prompted my dad to write me an email couple of weeks ago with a gist of:  I don’t understand how you can be so angry and continue to be so mean to your mother when she is clearly so upset and so on so on… basically being passive aggressive and pointing out few incidences that were taken out of context and made me the bad guy in the situation but they were going to be the bigger people and if not dealing with them makes me happy they wish me luck and happiness.

Having read that email was an instantaneous relief and a punch to a gut.  It was so clear to me that they will never try to change or meet me half way (or even 5%).  I have been racking my brain and going to therapy every week for the last year trying to working thru my anger and figure out how I can ever have a healthy relationship with them so I can meet some of their needs, my obligations (I’m a single child btw) while not losing my sanity.   To hear my dad who is not even the one with BPD basically say we rather let you go then have to own up to anything was absolutely heart breaking.  But at the same it was a relief to be able say I have tried my best, I can no longer do this and its ok not to have a relationship with my parents when they are this toxic and abusive.

I had a lovely one peaceful week where I started to slowly come to terms with the new situation and feel like I can have my life back without the constant guilt and regret.  Of course that was shorted lived as last weekend my dad contacted to tell me I need to speak to mom as they found out few days earlier that her cancer is back and she has weeks or months to live without treatment.  If she chooses treatment it won’t cure her but it will prolong her life.  To my shock, my honest first reaction was “F**k I can’t do this, I wish this just ended.  I wish she was dead”.  I felt like such a horrible person to say that and was also quite shocked but how I felt but I am also so aware of what had to happen in order for me to get to this stage.  I simply do not have anything left to give them, I feel like they offer no value to my life.  I’m also upset because I knew this was going to happen at some point in the near future and I thought I would have more time to come to terms with the situation to have more time to deal with my anger and ideally be in a mental state where I can be present for them.   

I know that no one can give me clarity on this situation but I would love to know if anyone has gone thru something similar.  Has anyone dealt with a dying parent when they haven’t yet healed form the abuse?  At what point did you say enough is enough?  I keep reading about making amends so there are no regrets in the future but part of me questions if that is true.  Is it possible to make amends with the situation but not with the person?
 

[Living Life]

This sounds like a reprise of much of my life. My parents live in another state; I was at a conference with a friend in a 3rd state when I was notified my father was in hospice, and a day later, I needed to come, he was dying. I had driven my friend, so I had mixed feelings about leaving; we decided to leave early on the last day, I would overnight at her house, and drive on to the parents home the next day, while my husband would meet me at her house with appropriate funeral clothes. It turned out my friend really needed me that night; her son almost died from a alcohol poisoning and her husband was out of state visiting a dying uncle. I made the right choice, she needed me, and he didn't; my dad died about 3 hours before I got there. No problem. I had no death bed thoughts to convey and I knew there would be no resolution to any of the crazy I experienced growing up. My uBPD mother already had major issues with me due to a boundary I had set 2 years before.

I remained low contact with her, but continued to make the obligatory occasional family holiday visits. She deteriorated (age 97) but refused additional help, and was in and out of the hospital. Finally she fell, probably due to a ministroke, went to the hospital, and from there to rehab where no progress was being made, and finally to hospice care. My brother handled all the arrangements. When I came she was basically in a coma due to the anti anxiety drugs to calm her down. Fortunately, she passed peacefully about 12 hours after I arrived. I am glad I was there, if nothing else to give my brother a break, but I had no unfinished business. I knew there could be no discussion of the past, no apologies for bad behavior, forgiveness, or anything even if she was coherent; she never did anything, it was all my fault. No problem.

It has been 18 months, and I have found this board and learned a huge amount. She was a quite typical BPD mom. Before, I didn't even know what that was. My father also sent me a letter years earlier about not understanding and helping my mother. One of the many instances that just stabbed me in the heart. I now know that the crazy childhood and continuing verbal and emotional abuse throughout my adult life,  profoundly damaged both my brother and myself. I choose to live with no regrets; I acknowledge that yes, I could have done better, but I did the best I could at the time. The raging she directed at me had everything to do with her, not me, but it was still very hurtful. I have had no other relationships in my long life that have been manipulative and heart wrenching; we can choose our friends but not our family.

I realized before they each got sick that they would never have a conversation about what they had done and how it affected me. What ever it was, it never happened. I emotionally withdrew, but still tried to help where I could. To me, 'forgiveness' means absolving them of their bad behavior; I can't do that. I acknowledge the past and have moved on. They each have died with family around, but especially with my mother, the 2nd to go, the expression the nieces used was 'Ding, Dong, the Witch is Dead.' Terrible, but true. And I was glad she was gone. Also terrible but true. It is a sad commentary on a life wasted.

Your journey will not be easy, but hopefully it will be short. My fear was my father would die first, and then my mother would be uncontrollable. Unfortunately that is what came to pass. Hopefully your father will be easier to deal with after your mother is gone. Good luck. Do the best you can in a very difficult situation and protect yourself as much as you can.

[Turkish]

I've gone through the "sick, sad, stupid, unnecessary" stage. It might be that you are left to make amends with yourself in this situation.

Given that your mother is dying, but not forgetting about the pain she caused you,  what do you think it the right thing to do now on this situation?

[Living Life]

This sounds like a reprise of much of my life. My parents live in another state; I was at a conference with a friend in a 3rd state when I was notified my father was in hospice, and a day later, I needed to come, he was dying. I had driven my friend, so I had mixed feelings about leaving; we decided to leave early on the last day, I would overnight at her house, and drive on to the parents home the next day, while my husband would meet me at her house with appropriate clothes. It turned out my friend really needed me that night; her son almost died from a alcohol poisoning and her husband was out of state visiting a dying uncle. I made the right choice, my dad died before I got there. No problem. I had no death bed thoughts to convey and I knew there would be no resolution to any of the crazy I experienced growing up. My uBPD mother already had major issues with me due to a boundary I had set 2 years before.

I remained low contact with her, but made the obligatory occasional family holiday visits. She deteriorated (age 97) but refused additional help, and was in and out of the hospital. Finally she fell, probably due to a ministroke, went to the hospital, and from there to rehab where no progress was being made, and finally to hospice care. My brother handled all the arrangements. When I came she was basically in a coma due to the anti anxiety drugs to calm her down. Fortunately, she passed peacefully about 12 hours after I arrived. I am glad I was there, if nothing else to give my brother a break, but I had no unfinished business. I knew there could be no discussion of the past, apologies for bad behavior, forgiveness, or anything even if she was coherent; she never did anything, it was all my fault. No problem.

It has been 18 months, and I have found this board and learned a huge amount. She was a quite typical BPD mom. Before, I didn't even know what that was. My father also sent me a letter years earlier about not understanding and helping my mother. One of the many instances that just stabbed me in the heart. I now know that the crazy childhood and continuing verbal and emotional abuse throughout my adult life,  profoundly damaged both my brother and myself. I choose to live with no regrets; I acknowledge that yes, I could have done better, but I did the best I could at the time. The raging she directed at me had everything to do with her, not me, but it was still very hurtful. I have had no other relationships in my long life that have been heart wrenching; we can choose our friends but not our family.

I realized before they each got sick that they would never have a conversation about what they had done and how it affected me. What ever it was, it never happened. I emotionally withdrew, but still tried to help where I could. To me, 'forgiveness' means absolving them of their bad behavior; I can't do that. I acknowledge the past and have moved on. They each have died with family around, but especially with my mother, the 2nd to go, the expression the nieces used was 'Ding, Dong, the Witch is Dead.' Terrible, but true. And I was glad she was gone. Also terrible but true. It is a sad commentary on a life wasted.

Your journey will not be easy, but hopefully it will be short. My fear was my father would die first, and then my mother would be uncontrollable. Unfortunately that is what came to pass. Hopefully your father will be easier to deal with after she is gone. Good luck. Do the best you can in a very difficult situation and protect yourself as much as you can.