I think my mom has BPD and it’s driving me crazy

[Tillycat]

I’m 20 years old and am getting diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder and it has been very hard to make getting tested for it happen
ith the fear of how my mom would react if I even uttered the word Autism . I had a feeling she knew because she said I’ve been trying to keep you normal and insisting I stop acting like that (refencing my autistic behaviors ) I have a autistic cousin and she makes fun of him calling him weird . I have good memories of my mother from when I was little like around five she would sing to me and read me stories and she always helped me with my homework through most of my schooling
She would scream,yell,cuss,argue with my dad and always usually brining up how he doesn’t give her enough move and she still does that now . As me and my younger sister got older though like when I was in middle school things got directed twards us as well. She gets very upset over the littlest things like she’s turned into a who other person and says the craziest meanest things . If our rooms aren’t clean it’s a good chance that she will yell and cuss at us calling us ungrateful bitches and dirty nasty pigs and how dare we do this to her. Sometimes she will throw clothes on us/ at us. She is so controlling and we must do exactly what she says when she says exactly how she because “she’s the mother.” She picked all my clothes up until most of high school . She rarely says she’s sorry and if she does she adds a but  like,I’m sorry I said those thingsbut you pushed me over the edge . I’m sorry but you were disrespectful and wrong. Or I’m sorry you made me act that way.
The worst is being trapped in the car with her on a trip like once one small thing gets her upset hardly anything you say will make her shut up. My dad calls it going on a tangent . She will jump from topic to topic that had nothing to do with what what she was mad about in the first place. She has a spending problem and runs up credit cards at different department stores and she has bought me 100 dresses (I counted ) that I didn’t even want but didn’t want to argue with her about . She can’t except her faults and blames others .like who took my phone when she simply can’t find it . She can’t accept criticism and defending yourself or anyone else when she is angry is a bad idea . When my sister and I have confronted her she will tell my dad that he has pitted us against her which is totally not true. But of course my mom knows like 50 people who most say nice things about her but if they only knew what she is like behind clothes doors when it’s just our family. One of her friends said who could ever be mean to instert my moms name .
I find it hard to have a normal conversation with her so I try to be Cadillac what I say and do t talk to her as much anymore . She thinks any negative emotions or feelings are stupid . Like it’s stupid to cry, be anxious or whatever . Or she’ll say what do you have to be ——- about your very lucky after all we do for you . I am in college and because of my Autism fear of abandonment and bad expirences at the dorm I can’t imagine moving out . I am very emotionally sensitive and the thought of leaving my family makes me cry . I also hate change and have lots of anxiety . I talk with a therapist sometimes and My dad and I just started reading the essential family guide for BPD but it is so hard to do since my mom is always around . I drive and one day this summer I was really bored so I told my mom I was going somewhere in my car just in town and I didn’t know where but I just had to get out of the hose and she blocked me from leaving yelled at me and said when your all on your own then you can do whatever you want . This is after I had been stuck at home with just me and her for four days while she was obsessed with cleaning the entire house. She cares so much about appearances like if I don’t tweeze my eyebrows she will get upset and do them for me and if we wear jeans to church even thou everyone else does and fears being judged . She is so unpredictable

[Turkish]

Do you think your mother might be on the spectrum as well?

My 8 year old son is ASD1/Asperger's, and he leaves his clothes around too (as does D6), but I don't play the Waif and pick them up but rather tell them,  and they do. 

I've seen their mom,  my ex, tell my son,  who can be easily triggered, not to cry.  That makes me feel sad,  as I hear your mom do the same thing.  Very invalidating. I trigger my son sometimes (I'm not perfect), but I can't imagine telling him that he's wrong for crying.  How does that make you feel?

You say good you've been reading the EFG book.  What do you feel you got from there that works,  or doesn't work? We have lessons and suggested reading here which will also help. 

[Harri]

Hi Tillycat and welcome!  I can hear the sadness, fear and confusion in your post.  It is a lot to be dealing with and it must be incredibly hurtful for your mother to be so invalidating.  I believe my mother was undiagnosed BPD (uBPD) and also schizophrenic so I get it.  I was scared to leave home too but i did for college and while it was hard, it was worth it for me.  Don't feel you have to leave though.  No one here is going to try to talk you into anything. 

We can help you learn about the disorder and perhaps learn some better ways to communicate with your mother.  I don't mean I think you are wrong but a lot of times we can invalidate pwBPD (people with BPD) without even realizing it.  Often what seems perfectly okay to say is taken the wrong way by pwBPD. 

If you had to pick one thing you want to improve in your relationship with your mother what would it be? 

I am glad you posted.  It is hard but we can help support and encourage you.  We can also offer perspective which i think is a huge benefit of posting here.  So I hope you settle in and read and post more.

Again, welcome.