narcissistic personality parents

[Star0009]

Hi
I first came on here years ago when my therapist first diagnosed my mom with BPD. At times she is loving as long as I am compliant but other times she is a downright sociopath. I now believe both my parents are narcissits. My father passed some years ago. I finally nailed it down which has been so helpful that I was the scapegoat child of both and suffered years of emotional and physical abuse. I had no boundaries and let people say horrible things to me my whole life I was sought out to bully and I took everything said to heart. I also ended up close with other narcissists as boyfriends and friends as I always loved them and took their abuse as a scapegoat until they dropped me when I was used up. At the core of me much like a narcissist thinks I feel I'm evil, gross, unloveable that is why people hate me and don't want to hug me and have called me evil. I was only called this by people who didn't know me but since I didn't talk to my mom for example for awhile. My mom's whole extended family continues to bully me or shun me when I say nothing. Even after my mother finally stole her sister's boyfriend while she was in a coma and ran off to marry him when she passed. They still clump me with my mom and my mom loves this. Six years ago I had a psychotic break and jumped off a bridge breaking my back in half but surviving still able to walk. I thought at the time I was cursed and the most evil person in the world. I still can't shake this inner hate but i'm not mean to others just myself. I'm thrilled to finally know that my parents are narcissists and I am the scapegoat bc it sums up my life without the gorey details but I'm having a hard time because I can ignore my mother who is most insane but my siblings the golden children who had their share of abuse at times but remained golden continue to act like my friends but are very abusive and don't want to hear about it. They are so used to abusing me and me being the "crazy" one until I finally became the "crazy"one they won't listen and continue to hurt me. I have found scapegoats often have to go NO contact with their whole family. This is very painful because I have loved them most in the world and almost treated them like my children and they act like my friend one second but are very emotionally abusive the next. I know BPD and narcissism sometimes overlap or are the same. I'm feeling very sad and alone and wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation?

[Star0009]

Just to clarify I've seen many therapists and continue to seek help and amazingly I don't personally have a personality disorder. I do have the self esteem at times as a result of having parents abuse me who had personality disorders. People are amazed how sane and grounded I am when I tell them my life story. I want to heal and live a healthy life but I don't know how when I'm still surrounded by abusive family who also act one second like my friend and have been there for me.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board.  I am so sorry for the very difficult things you are dealing with.  You are definitely in the right place and we can all relate to having mentally disordered family members on this board.  You mentioned that you were here several years ago.  What made you stop coming?  Maybe a better question to ask is what made you seek online help again?  Was there a change? 

How much contact do you have with your family members?  What sort of contact would you like to have with them if you could do so without being further hurt by them?  It is quite difficult being the scapegoat of the family.  A lot of us who post here were/are in that position so you will definitely find people who can relate. 

Are you familiar with our Survivor's Guide that is listed over on the right hand side of the page?  Each item is clickable and expand to give more information.  Where would you say you are in terms of the guide?

I am glad you posted.  Sometimes the first post is the hardest to make.  I hope you post more and feel free to jump in and participate in other threads as we all learn from each other.  One of the best things about posting on a board like this is gaining new perspectives on your situation and things you can do to improve it.

I hope to hear more from you.  Again, welcome.

[Turkish]

After how your mother treated you,  and what she did to your sister (who does something like that?), you should feel proud when people tell you that you are sane and well grounded! And I'm glad that you survived your attempt to continue your life on your terms and reach out here 

I didn't experience what you did,  but many people over the years have told me similar things,  like "it's amazing how well you turned out, " including friends who knew me when I was a young teen and told me many years later,  "your mom was always crazy." That being said,  mine wasn't a narcissist like yours,  and I had no siblings.

You're back and that's great.  Where do you feel you want to go from here and how can we best support you Star0009?

T

[Star0009]

Thanks guys. I came on here when a therapist first suggested my Mom had BPD. ten years ago. These boards and learning about it helped a ton because I could finally put some sort of order to her behavior and how much i was responsable for her bad behavior like holding her accountable for her bad actions.

Like as a kid she used to drag me by the hair for example when I would tell her this on the phone she would say "Your father snuck into your room at night and whispered that into your ear... "When I said it happened. I was 12 so its not like I was too young to remember she would fly off into a rage spouting all kinds of crazy things and accusing me of being a bad daughter then as always running to co-workers or her mother(my grandmother) and my huge extended family on that side to trash talk what a horrible child I was. They all stonewall me, have called me names, bully me, even my uncles to this day when I go to my grandmothers and her large parties.

I have always been so shy I could barely speak also because my mother did not allow me to have a voice. She told me from a young age what to say and that my friends didn't like me , any friend I did make she tried to become friends with herself or destroy the relationship. To clarify it was her sister's boyfriend she took off with, not mine. I have a younger sister and brother( was my best friend but the most golden child) by my Mom and dad. When my Mom got pregnant with me my father was married to another women with my older half brother. Apparently he wanted to abort me I was told later but even though he went on to have more children with my Mom he blamed me for being born and ruining my older half brothers life.

I was the scapegoat child since a young age. He would buy presents when I was a little girl and tell me to wrap them for my younger siblings and give them to them for Christmas and I got none. I was my mother's best friend she told all of her adult problems to. My grandmother would tell me to take care of her and my siblings.  When I started getting friends finally on my own at 12 and the physical abuse started because she couldn't control me I went to live with my father where the emotional abuse started. He would call me names and call me my Mom's name. I still was friends with him, my mom, my siblings thru all of this when they weren't abusive which makes it all consfusing. I have always wanted my grandmothers family to accept me but even as an adult they bully me and snub me but my grandmother always wants me at parties and blames me for being shy. There is still something cozy about being at her house but Im almost 40 now and finally healing and maybe I should stop showing up at these huge holiday parties at this point as expected. I know I will just leave with the same feelings of pain and now so much anger. The worst is I have loved my siblings more than anyone and treated them like my kids half the time but I don't know how to move forward.

I stopped coming to the boards because I had enough understanding of my moms BPD at the time not to get as wrapped up in it. This past week I came to find that I was in fact the scapegoat child of 2 NPD parent and my sibling in each their own unique way continues to abuse me. My sister puts down my physical looks like my Mom or pushes my buttons when I get mad she implies I'm crazy and mean and runs to my younger brother who says I'm always mean to her. She focuses lots of energy on her looks and is constantly primping herself around me and comparing us. If I express interest in something she likes she thinks I'm competing with her. She is very good looking which I would be fine with but by comparing us she always makes me feel like the lesser person. I feel suicidal around her because she makes me feel ugly and unloved and then has my brother accusing me of being mean. She is very secretive about her life and will talk to me on the phone ok but still always talks about her "generation's struggles." She is only 4 years younger and I'm an open book to her with my life.

My younger brother was my best friend and saw the extreme abuse from my dad but since he was his golden child he has turned on me since I had my breakdown. My feelings from both my brothers don't matter. The other person is always right. I often talk and they talk over me to shut me down or ignore me all together especially if I'm in pain. They never believe me when someone is mean to me. They call me crazy even before I went crazy all trained by my dad. They will only trash talk my Mom because my dad encouraged it and her behavior is always insane. My older brother since I wasn't supposed to be born one second says how much he loves me and buys me gifts but can't be proud of any success. When I tell him that I'm learning from a great teacher he just starts saying "ughh ughh" while I'm talking but then wants me to gush over his successes which I do because I love him and I'm supportive.

The worst situation is with my younger brother when I had a breakdown and suicide attempt I was living with my mom and the husband at the time she stole from her dying sister. I ended up living with them only because I had a breakdown and didn''t want to burden my siblings. My younger brother was there for me bc he was my best friend but the second he got me away from her he turned on me bc he couldn't handle my breakdown emotionally. He refuses to hold my dad accountable as the golden child and he screams at me now horrible things telling me ' I say I'm a loving person but I'm not". That 'I'm not his friend we have to build a friendship' and he has shut me out of his life even siding with friends who dropped me he barely knows and talking to my uncles(my moms brothers about me) and my now mental problems he refuses to believe come from an abusive childhood. I'm just a crazy person like my dad always said (he was a shrink ) like my Mom. Still he then keeps me in his life. All my siblings do while at the same time shutting me out but not just letting me go.

I wish this would end but I see all these truths now. I see we are the products of NPD parents. I see I was the scapegoat child which all helps but I'm the only one who wants to address it. I know I can try to heal myself now and most articles I have read the scapegoat eventually goes no contact and flourishes but I don't know how to walk away from my siblings? who have already kept me out of their lives but still in it just enough that it would be cruel of me to walk away but I know these abuse patterns I need to heal from won't get better. Its just like my parents with all of them in their own way nice one second like my best friend and mean the next and exhusting. I have always put them first but I realize now they put me last before their lives.

If you read all this thanks! Any advice of how to move forward would be great.

[JNChell]

Hello, Star0009. First of all   I read your post yesterday, and it really hit home with me. I relate with you a lot on what you’ve described. I’m sorry that you have experienced these things, but I believe that an important thing to realize right now is that you’ve endured it. You’re here with fellow peers, and we’re glad that you’re here with us. We can’t do this stuff alone.

I'm feeling very sad and alone and wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation?

I’d like to answer this question from your first post, first. I have and I have a great deal of empathy for you.

I finally nailed it down which has been so helpful that I was the scapegoat child of both and suffered years of emotional and physical abuse.

Abuse by one parent is bad enough. When it becomes a tag-team ritual, we wonder how we’re still here. There’s no safe ground when we’re scapegoated by both parents. Everything is unpredictable. There is no soft spoken enabler or emotionally withdrawn element to the dynamic. We’re being hit on all fronts. Constantly destabilized and trying to figure out how to survive. Somehow we did. Like you, I barely did survive.

I also ended up close with other narcissists as boyfriends and friends as I always loved them and took their abuse as a scapegoat until they dropped me when I was used up.

I’ve also had my fair share of abusive partners. Unfortunately, it will always come with the territory until we do the inner work that is needed. I’m finally there, but I wish that I would’ve nipped this in the bud at a much younger age. I’m realizing now that I couldn’t have. I was too busy blocking it out. I held a frame of reference that was, and should’ve been uncomfortable for me, so I replaced it with a bunch of temporary frames of reference to feel good about myself.

I’m sorry that you were used by these people. I know how hard it is to not take it personally, but please don’t. You’ve been on this site in the past and you know how these disorders work. These disorders use the human body as a vehicle.

At the core of me much like a narcissist thinks I feel I'm evil, gross, unloveable that is why people hate me and don't want to hug me and have called me evil.

Are you familiar with the term ”catching fleas” when it comes to over exposure to disordered personalities? It’s like this. If we’re close to people that are abusive, we can actually start to adopt their behaviors over time. These are emotionally manipulative people. We’re emotionally available. Many of them are not, and they covet that. They want what they can’t have. They will eventually begin to feel inferior to that. Less than. Their supply is our emotions because they either don’t feel their own or are severely uncomfortable with the emotions that they do feel. Does that resonate with you?

Six years ago I had a psychotic break and jumped off a bridge breaking my back in half but surviving

I’m glad that you survived this. I can relate and empathize here as well. I’m glad that you still have your legs to keep moving you forward.  I’d like to give you a name to google. Pete Walker. He’s an expert on C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I think that you’ll find him validating and reassuring. He’s a leading expert in this fledgling field.

Star0009, it sounds like some breathing room might do you some good. You love your family, and all of that work, effort and pain that you’ve put into it has you feeling down. How do you feel about putting some temporary distance between yourself and the people that are stressors in your day to day life? If that sounds like an appealing option, we can help you do it. Just give it some thought and let us know how you feel about that.  ’s to you. Keep us posted.

[Star0009]

Thanks! I'm def. at a turning point in my life and realizing I was the scapegoat of BPD parents is literally exciting bc it puts all of my abuse into easy textbook terms. It was amazing when I learned my Mom had BPD ten years ago because I could easily make sense of her behavior and not get enmeshed in it. Really the only relationship I can have with her is to remain call and nice at all times and not let her bad behavior and remarks get to me like she wants to get a rise out of me. I even have to keep a calm face she is constantly watching for clues. I agree I'm putting some distance from my family as my siblings have been the hardest but they went on to form lives and push me out, shut me out emotionally and not validate my feelings. This has been horribly painful but now that I see the patterns I know I must more on and form my own life as an adult and come into theirs with the knowledge even after putting them before my own needs all my life I cannot control their view of me and how they were taught to see the family dynamics. Its hard because I acted like a Mom to them where they came first, giving them rides to and from friends and work etc... while I did have a life at all and suffered in silence. I'm hurt and angry but I'm starting to feel ok about moving on. I still hope they are ok more than anything in their lives.  I have to let each one in my life within small limits where I will receive no abuse and if I do remove myself. Each relationship with each sibling is slightly different so I will have to examine each separately. Its funny that this is coming right before my 40th birthday. As many articles mention once the scapegoat realizes this was their position they wonder how they wasted their lives. I feel this way somewhat. All the drama and nonsense I let tear me apart. I did hear of fleas and feeling that I'm 'gross' or 'evil' or people will eventually hate me or drop me like my family or some N Friends did recently is a fear but I'm also realizing these aren't just fleas but the dynamics of how my family was taught to function with constant love hate relationships switching at every moment even and constant distrust and questioning of shifting motives at all times. I need to be around people that don't act this way and not all people do and next time I see red flags with people I need to be the one to step back, protect my energy and boundaries. I will look up the trauma specialist. Thanks guys this board helps a ton to get it out and get feed back and perspective. Its a hard time in my life letting go of the closeness I wanted with my family but I'm growing and excited to form healthy friendships and put my love into new people and my own goals and dreams. ( This idea of building self esteem and protecting one self from adult bullies and abuse or even from extended family and how to deal with it I may start a separate thread on as I feel its prob. a big issue around these boards)

[JNChell]

Hi again, Star0009. I hope that the day has found you well.

I agree I'm putting some distance from my family as my siblings have been the hardest but they went on to form lives and push me out, shut me out emotionally and not validate my feelings.

It’s great that you’ve established this for yourself. It’s healthy for you. This is a great opportunity for a learning moment. These people don’t validate your feelings. I don’t know how old you are, but you’re obviously an adult. If you’d like, please sit with this thought. You were not validated as a child. You are not being validated as an adult. You can validate and love yourself, and you should’ve been taught this by your parents. Does that make sense?

[Star0009]

Yes. that makes lots of sense.  I'm about to turn 40 and this last year has been so painful but being back on these boards and with other healing work I'm doing I'm growing leaps and bounds everyday. My childhood was so horrible I never want to be a child again but getting older is more fun as I'm learning how to be happy in life and finally heal. Thanks for your help!

[Star0009]

So I came across Brene Brown on the site today a popular social worker and I have been binge watching her videos all day. Its very frustrating I'm the one that told my sister my Mom was borderline years ago and my therapist suggested my sister might be borderline too by the way she treats me.  As I mentioned my sister picks on me until I explode much like my Mom and then runs to my brother who calls me mean and thinks I need help and my meanness is the cause of my psychological issues which I have but a have and have had many therapists my sister has had none. Meanness is not an issue with me. I do have lots of anger when someone is cruel to me and I stand up for myself but every therapist is sure I don't have a personality disorder but its funny now my sister is trying to claim I'm borderline as I mentioned to me as if she knows about it. Saying it ranges in forms and its not so bad to be borderline and how she wants to be a therapist. I'm sure now this is more projection and much like my Mom she is using it as another form to put me down. This is so annoying like my Mom she will now turn my brothers more against me. I feel helpless and know I have to step away but after reading self help books all day I keep wanting to say 'ok I can do this and talk to them' or run to them first and tell them all these breakthroughs I found and how we can all heal but I know it will do nothing.  I know I can't just heal myself in one day. I don't know how to sit with the fact that after all the love and hope I poured into them they will always have a distorted view of me and treat me with abuse. I don't know how to sit with this pain. Its hard not to call them but its literally the definition of stupidity and banging my head at the same low doorway everyday. Sorry I'm working hard on healing. Just curious if anyone else has been thru letting family go and what you wished it would be like and how you wished they would love you.

[Turkish]

I don't know how to sit with the fact that after all the love and hope I poured into them they will always have a distorted view of me and treat me with abuse.

That's their shame and it has nothing to do with you.  They choose to behave this because that's who they are. 

[JNChell]

Hey, Star! How are you today?

So I came across Brene Brown on the site today a popular social worker and I have been binge watching her videos all day.

Great to see that you’re digging around the site and seeing what is available to you. Brene Brown is great! She’s such a helpful person that has found a way to put herself out there. I’m grateful for that. How about you?

As I mentioned my sister picks on me until I explode much like my Mom and then runs to my brother who calls me mean and thinks I need help and my meanness is the cause of my psychological issues which I have but a have and have had many therapists my sister has had none.

I’m sorry that you’ve been experiencing this. What you’ve been going through here actually has a technical term. It’s called the Karpman Drama Triangle. Here’s a link.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

In my time as a member of this support group, I’ve found this to be a very common thing with abusive people. The patterns between our loved ones are eerily similar.

I’d like for you to keep something in mind while you walk through your path to healing, ok? It is important to know that this has been done to you, but it doesn’t define you. Being a scapegoat is an awful experience. In my estimation, you’re doing well in identifying what has been going on for this long and finding your way back here again. This is simply my opinion and I’m obviously no mental health professional. You need to put some space between yourself and the family members that are causing you this much pain. You need this space because you deserve the time to unwind and allow your stress levels to calm down so you can think more clearly. You need to take this time to rest. You deserve to remove yourself from abusive situations so that you can decide what is acceptable for you to have in your life. My question is, how can we help you do this?

I’m also including a link on setting boundaries. Please let us know how you’re feeling and how we can help. Much love, Star0009.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

[Star0009]

Thank you guys! These boards and your support have been great help as I'm in the process of moving and between therapists but these are all things I want to bring to a new therapist. I have has some therapists who just tell me if I'm feeling anxious to watch tv. While they are nice I really hope to find someone who helps me go into the depths these boards do and can help me grow and heal.  Thanks JNChell for the links. I have recently learned about these ideas but this helped me learn more and research more about setting boundaries. I was told to take care of my very abusive mom and my younger siblings from a young age, prob. since age 6 so this is one of the hardest things to do is walk away at least for awhile and start building my own life. I went out and bought Brene Brown's recent book on being alone as I have always felt alone. My mom made sure to destroy my friendships and take my voice away. I want great friends but I also feel like my brother would treat me better if I have friends as he likes big social groups and this would make him love me again like when we were younger... .even more proof I need a break. I actually feel so excited to take the pressure of making friends or proving myself to anyone off my back right now and just work on myself. Thanks so much for all the great feedback!

[Harri]

Hi there.  You really have gotten some great responses here.  I just want to touch on a couple of things.

I don't know how to sit with the fact that after all the love and hope I poured into them they will always have a distorted view of me and treat me with abuse. I don't know how to sit with this pain.

Are you familiar with Projection?  It is a defense where a person can not tolerate what they see in their own self and instead of face it they project it onto someone else.  When this happens, it is on an unconscious level and when they see you, they aren't really seeing you.  As Turkish said, their distorted view is on them.  It also tells you more about what is going on for them than it does anything about you.  Does that make sense?  Understanding projection was the first thing that allowed me to not take things personally. 

As for anxiety, it can be tough to get a handle on it.  I have anxiety and panic attacks.  maybe a year and a half ago I realized, with my therapist that i was having panic attacks so frequently through the day that I thought they were normal.  I also dissociated a lot (also an anxiety response).  I still have panic attacks and anxiety and I dissociate occasionally but it has gotten much better.  The important thing for me is to not feed the fear.  I did this through self talk.  I would recognize I was having a panic attack and tell myself "yes, I am feeling anxious and that is okay.  It feels awful but I will survive".  another thing I said when i got so annoyed with myself for being panicky is "Oh, this again?  I can deal with this it is no big deal.  It feels awful but it will not hurt me and it will end".

Distracting myself with TV or trying to read or walk does not help.  Sometimes I roll my eyes at myself and say this again? and just wait it out.  I don't know if that will help but you can try it. 

[Star0009]

Thanks I'm familiar with projection but all of this help is helping me solidify these terms so I can better use them to be mindful when someone approaches me with bad behavior. I'm looking hard at my own negativity as well. The not being a victim is a hard thing for me to sit with because I have been victimized by abuse and bullying but I understand how being in that mindset is bad. I'm also now working on changing other my own toxic behaviors of not setting boundaries, staying out of triangulation, trying to focus to live a more positive life (this is hard for me to stay in a positive mindset), try to recognize bad behavior but don't label or see the person as bad or bad energy but simply in a bad place they may or may not find their way out of but I will not take the negativity. Ugh I think thats it for now. I also feel guilty about posting on here now as I love my family and its no wonder we are all messed up and how can I even blame toxic parents as I feel for my BPD NPD Mom not in the victim way she wants everyone to see her as but for the deep things that made her behave the way she does. I want to use these tools not to judge but see them as fleas my family members picked up and that I have to protect myself from the bad ones. In my heart I wish them the best and in my dreams hope they will go on a path of healing one day so we can have a much more real and loving relationship. In the mean time I already feel guilty bc my sister called. She gave me the silent treatment recently for over a year which was so painful! I feel bad not texting her back even. I feel guilty even typing this. I just want to make as healthy relationships with people in my life. We are all hyper sensitive and vigilant due to my Mom being BPD. What is a good thing to tell my siblings without hurting their feelings or them thinking I don't want to to talk to them for a bit?  I do but when I'm healthy and ready so I can use the tools I have learned to combat any toxic family fleas. I need some time to heal as everyone suggested.

[Fie]

Hallo Star0009  


I am so sorry for the way you were raised by your parents, and for the way your whole family is treating you.

My FOO was not as bad as yours, but I do recognize tendencies. My mum is BPD, my dad NPD. Well and my grandmother BPD, and on it goes. You know.

Just curious if anyone else has been thru letting family go and what you wished it would be like and how you wished they would love you.

At one point I realized that NC would be good for me ... someone on these boards suggested to me that NC shouldn't be forever, and this made me decide that yes it was healthier for me to take some distance.

Funnily enough around that time my parents actually decided to go NC themselves... .I guess they couldn't cope with the fact that I had come to create healthier boundaries with them.

It was hard ... It made me realize that no, they were never going to be the loving parents I wish I'd had, they didn't even want to see me anymore. Same for my sister and the one grandmother who was still alive.

Realizing NC could in fact be healthier helped me. And after a while I started to feel calmer. I noticed that I wasn't so afraid anymore that my mother was going to contact me or come by, things like that. I didn't have to endure those stupid family gatherings anymore where everyone kind of ignored me or made fun of me. It is true that somehow I also missed those moments. Like you mentioning the coziness. But then again ... the coziness in my case maybe also was partly imagined ... how can being made fun of be cozy ? I guess it's al about letting go of the dream of being part of a happy family.

Well, I have let go of the dream. It hurts a bit still, sometimes. But most of the times, it's wonderful. To not have to be afraid, to not have to walk on eggshells, to not have to feel bad, to not have to feel stupid. Somehow, it feels like a fair deal: I traded a wish for a reality that is sometimes hard, but better then the reality that I had.

[JNChell]

I also feel guilty about posting on here now as I love my family and its no wonder we are all messed up and how can I even blame toxic parents as I feel for my BPD NPD Mom not in the victim way she wants everyone to see her as but for the deep things that made her behave the way she does.

This really struck me. It shows how capable you are of love, compassion and sympathy.

Personally, and I believe that others here will agree, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

Yes. Your mother’s condition was likely created by means outside of her influence. As a child, just like you were.

The not being a victim is a hard thing for me to sit with because I have been victimized by abuse and bullying but I understand how being in that mindset is bad.

Ok. First, IMHO, you are still a victim of abuse. How would you gauge your situation? Being in that mindset isn’t bad. It’s self awareness.

My parents moved a thousand miles away when I was in my early 20’s. They did me a huge favor by doing this. I visited a few times with girlfriends, but when they left, it was over. Finally. I’d get voicemails teetered on aggressive as to why I wouldn’t respond or call them back. I chose not to care how my abusers felt. Perhaps they should’ve cared how I felt as a child so that courtesy could’ve been returned to them without apprehension.

Take care of yourself first, Star0009.

[Star0009]

Thanks guys. I've had very low contact with family and moving to none for awhile. Its hard to be with this pain and I feel lonely but I realize now how much drama and pain I was spending my time on and people that didn't want me in their lives. I feel angry I let them take up my time and won't listen to my pain but I feel ready to make my own life. Its been a painful process.
Fie I'm sorry you experienced that from your family holidays too. It strange to hear that happened to someone else too I guess because I've spent so many years feeling alone at those parties and a lifetime of harping on that fact.  I hope I kind find loving people that accept me in life.
I have been hurt so many times I def. have fear of opening up. I wonder who else I will let in and they will then turn mean on me. I still have an open heart but I do worry nobody will like me or people will eventually decide they don't once we are close. The last contact I had with my older brother he reminded  me I don't have anyone and never will. As always he said this in a nice and mean way. He always mean and nice from minute to minute. The nice way is sad and comes from his childhood issues I know that he feels he only has himself and I guess his point is we all die alone but and came to the conclusion you can only count on yourself. This is somewhat harsh but true in that I need to build up self love but the meanness comes from the fact that he is like I'm not gonna stand up to other people being cruel to you and I'm not gonna be there for you either so don't bother me with your troubles. He is very loyal to his friends and their emotional needs but I'm not allowed to be part of that group of people in his life. All the more reason I need a break. Anyways thanks. Sorry I ended up venting some again.

[Harri]

Star, a bit of venting is okay.  We need to do that sometimes.  I think it is wise to learn you not only need to learn to pull yourself  up but it is necessary to learn that you can do this yourself.  Yes, it is good when you have support, but you do have that with us here.  People who are caught in the dysfunction like your family will not be able to help you.  They are either too busy trying to help themselves or are still down in the trenches themselves.

When I finally saw what was going on in my family I wanted people to see my pain and my experience, but I kept reminding myself that not too long ago I was where they were right then.  I may have behaved differently but when it came right down to it, I would not be able to listen to them either.

it is hard and it is painful.  But it is doable.  Stick around, keep posting.  We can help you here as you rebuild yourself.  It can help you as you try to get in a better place in the real world.