Broke up July 18. Need to share my story and move on PART 1

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

i've posted a bit on here, but not that much. i've been reading so much ever since our couples counselor recommended Stop Walking on Eggshells on June 21, but have been shy about really sharing. now i'm finding that i really need support and feel like i can't really share fully with my friends.

my uBPD and i met in 2009, he was married. i thought he was super cute and sweet and we had a conversation about a band we both liked, but he was totally off limits and i was seeing someone else. never thought much of it. i saw both he and his wife around a lot over the years, we were all part of the same very active social circles. they always seemed so together, bonded. they were a unit. in fall of 2015, i was looking for someone to sublet my apartment for 2 months while i was away taking a class and was shocked when uBPD wanted to take it. he and his wife were splitting. she was ready to have a baby, and he felt a pull to fulfill his dreams to be a musician instead. i felt good about leaving my place in a friend's hands and even agreed to take way less rent than i was originally asking for.
when i returned he stayed on as my roommate, contingent upon a month by month thing if it felt ok to both of us. it did! (it's a two bedroom place, my room was inaccessible while i was out of state) we became best buddies rather quickly. it was really so great. we had so much in common, and were both in really transitory places. i was 39( his ex-wife my exact age), him 33.  we bonded over music and art and food and everything really. we would talk at the kitchen table until the sun would come up and make snacks for each other. we were both casually dating other people, but would often meet up after so-so dates to hang out with each other. soon we were skipping dates to just hang out together. we had so much fun!
sometimes he would confide in me that his ex wife would beat on him when she was drunk. make a scene in public, almost get arrested except that he would talk the police down. he was her rescuer, and she was his. she came from a very rough background. abuse and drugs and who knows what else. he was from sheltered suburbia, totally a mama's boy. she saved him from over-medicated anti-depressants, he saved her from homelessness. they got together when he was 19 or 20, they grew up together. he says they didn't have much sexual chemistry. they split very amicably and remain quite close, like siblings.
the inevitable happened about 6 months in to him being my roommate. i accidentally got very drunk while i was djing at a fancy cocktail bar on valentine's day 2016. he was there with his cousin... .he swooped in and made sure me and all my records got home safely. we made out in the kitchen. he says i initiated, i still don't really believe that. but our crushes on each other were undeniable by that point. we quickly became involved, but it was fraught with real concerns: the recent divorce! but we're great roommates! we don't want to mess up our amazing friendship and roommate status! it was quite dramatic.
plus, on top of that... .he had just been inducted into his favorite band of all time! yup, the very same band that he and i talked about the first time we met in 2009. crazy world we live in.
so. he was LIVING HIS DREAM. on top of the world. and scared. and we just started up something that felt pretty amazing, but was scary also. i knew what a precarious place he was in and tried to be accommodating, and sensitive, and mature... .and accommodating... .and lenient... .i was already WALKING ON EGGSHELLS. making sure he was ok with all of his life changes. not even considering what my needs in the "relationship" might even possibly be, cuz how could there even be room for that? he was going through so much!

[eeps]

i've posted a bit on here, but not that much. i've been reading so much ever since our couples counselor recommended Stop Walking on Eggshells on June 21, but have been shy about really sharing. now i'm finding that i really need support and feel like i can't really share fully with my friends.

my uBPD and i met in 2009, he was married. i thought he was super cute and sweet and we had a conversation about a band we both liked, but he was totally off limits and i was seeing someone else. never thought much of it. i saw both he and his wife around a lot over the years, we were all part of the same very active social circles. they always seemed so together, bonded. they were a unit. in fall of 2015, i was looking for someone to sublet my apartment for 2 months while i was away taking a class and was shocked when uBPD wanted to take it. he and his wife were splitting. she was ready to have a baby, and he felt a pull to fulfill his dreams to be a musician instead. i felt good about leaving my place in a friend's hands and even agreed to take way less rent than i was originally asking for.
when i returned he stayed on as my roommate, contingent upon a month by month thing if it felt ok to both of us. it did! (it's a two bedroom place, my room was inaccessible while i was out of state) we became best buddies rather quickly. it was really so great. we had so much in common, and were both in really transitory places. i was 39( his ex-wife my exact age), him 33.  we bonded over music and art and food and everything really. we would talk at the kitchen table until the sun would come up and make snacks for each other. we were both casually dating other people, but would often meet up after so-so dates to hang out with each other. soon we were skipping dates to just hang out together. we had so much fun!
sometimes he would confide in me that his ex wife would beat on him when she was drunk. make a scene in public, almost get arrested except that he would talk the police down. he was her rescuer, and she was his. she came from a very rough background. abuse and drugs and who knows what else. he was from sheltered suburbia, totally a mama's boy. she saved him from over-medicated anti-depressants, he saved her from homelessness. they got together when he was 19 or 20, they grew up together. he says they didn't have much sexual chemistry. they split very amicably and remain quite close, like siblings.
the inevitable happened about 6 months in to him being my roommate. i accidentally got very drunk while i was djing at a fancy cocktail bar on valentine's day 2016. he was there with his cousin... .he swooped in and made sure me and all my records got home safely. we made out in the kitchen. he says i initiated, i still don't really believe that. but our crushes on each other were undeniable by that point. we quickly became involved, but it was fraught with real concerns: the recent divorce! but we're great roommates! we don't want to mess up our amazing friendship and roommate status! it was quite dramatic.
plus, on top of that... .he had just been inducted into his favorite band of all time! yup, the very same band that he and i talked about the first time we met in 2009. crazy world we live in.
so. he was LIVING HIS DREAM. on top of the world. and scared. and we just started up something that felt pretty amazing, but was scary also. i knew what a precarious place he was in and tried to be accommodating, and sensitive, and mature... .and accommodating... .and lenient... .i was already WALKING ON EGGSHELLS. making sure he was ok with all of his life changes. not even considering what my needs in the "relationship" might even possibly be, cuz how could there even be room for that? he was going through so much!

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi eeps,

I am glad you decided to post.  I think you will find a lot of members who can relate to your experiences here.  As you have seen, we are a supportive community.  So you have come to the right place to get some feedback, vent safely,  and receive support.

Walking on Eggshells is definitely not fun.  It seems that often in a relationship with a PWBPD, they always have a crisis or problem that we nons feel compelled help with.  Consequently, there is no time to deal with our own stuff.  Is that basically the problem you are having?

Some questions to see how we can best support you.  Are you broken up?  If so, for how long?  If not, are you anticipating a breakup? 

Looking forward to hearing more of your story.

Peace and blessings,

Mustbeabetterway

[Educated_Guess]

Hi eeps!  Thanks for sharing your story. I look forward to reading more.  I just finished my own multi-part epic and it was a healing experience just to tell the whole thing from beginning to end.  I hope that telling your story will help you heal as well.

There's a lot of similarities in your story and mine.  I also began my relationship with my uBPD ex while we were roommates and friends.  We bonded over music and so many other things.  We had a lot of fun together.  She was my confidant and partner in crime.

But she was also going through a lot of stress.  I didn't feel like that was much room for my issues or needs.  I thought I was being selfish to even bring them up.  Did you feel like that too?

It is such a confusing place to be.  On one hand, you are having so much fun with this person you seem to have so much in common with.  But you have this feeling in your gut that something is missing or something is wrong.  It's hard to pinpoint what it is because everything else is so great.  If you try to talk about it, your feelings can just be invalidated by your partner as they point out how great everything has been.  It makes it seem like you are the one out of line.  It is so hard to see clearly in that kind of environment.

[eeps]

@Educated_Guess yes! that's exactly how i felt! there was no room for my needs and i tried to fit myself around his.

i will post more. i was writing very late at night last night and was too exhausted to continue, but too filled with hurt to not at least start.

[eeps]

i'm just gonna continue my story in this same thread, hopefully i can keep it sort of short. although, sometimes i feel like i could go on for days talking about all the crazy things that have happened in the past 2 and a half years.

the beginning of our relationship was both great and stressful. like i said, i was walking on eggshells from the very beginning because i knew it was bad timing (for him) and i tried to keep my expectations in check. oh how i wished i put the breaks on everything and just stayed roommates and friends! we were totally smitten with each other and spent all our time together. we would be walking down the street and he would stop just to kiss me passionately. then he would go out on tour and i would stress out about the women he might encounter. he would sometimes make out with someone here or there, but nothing beyond that. (i'm not generally a jealous person, and am pretty ok with that stuff, but i also recognized that if i had done the same thing it would NOT be ok to him. so that bugged me a good bit, but yes... .i stuffed my feelings about that hypocrisy down inside)

he invited his parents to visit maybe 2 months into us becoming involved, and they stayed at our apartment. i felt uncomfortable about that, (weren't they uncomfortable that he already had a new live in girlfriend and his divorce isn't even final?) but they are very nice and cool. i said nothing.

around october 2016 we decided to admit to ourselves we were a real couple, we combined bedrooms and used the extra bedroom as a shared common space. he got rid of the second bed and bought a futon couch (in case we had guests) pretty much immediately after that, he went on tour again, and this time slept with a girl on the road. he waited about 4 days after he returned home and until we were both kinda drunk from a night out. it came out pretty badly, and was framed in a way that sorta blamed me. i was completely heartbroken.

i should probably mention that there is a lot of drinking going on. almost always. the band he's in, his favorite band of all time, is known for their excessive indulgence in alcohol. so it's basically his job to drink. and he happily takes on this task. drinking definitely colors everything bad that ever went down between us.
there's also a lot of talking. i mean A LOT OF TALKING. i should've noted this even when we were roommates. this guy needs to talk about all of his feelings all of the time. and then ten times over again. i am patient, i listen, i take on the therapist role. i have never encountered someone that needs to talk through things as much as him.

anyway, i handled the cheating thing pretty well. i was very hurt and disappointed, but i assured him i loved him and wanted to forgive him and put it behind us. he was very regretful and told me he didn't want to make out with other people or anything else. and maybe he was just scared of us becoming more serious... .blah blah blah. fine. somehow we moved past that one with not much scarring.

the real trouble began around new years 2017 (about a year into our involvement) his band played a show in town. a fan who flew in from Japan for the show was telling us she would be in town for a week, and would he/we show her around sometime? he felt pressure to be a good representative of the band and met up with her for drinks, i met up with them about an hour after they got to the bar. they met at a bar where i dj regularly, and almost all of the bartenders are friends of both of ours. when i got there they were already tipsy. they were talking exclusively about the band. (this was not shocking at all, this is my uBPD's second favorite topic. his feelings being the first favorite) i am sitting on one side of my boyfriend, she is sitting on the other. i recognize right away that the fan-girl is a very touchy-feely person. it's hard to join their conversation because i don't have as much desire to talk about all things this one band. boring. so i talk with my friend who is bartending. eventually, another mutual friend arrives and i talk with him also. as my boyfriend and the fan get drunker, she gets more touchy-feely (i'm not taking it personally because she even did it to me when my boyfriend went to the bathroom) eventually the touchy-feely gets a little (a lot!) too close to his upper thigh, so i tap my boyfriend on the shoulder and tell them both that i think that's enough now. he immediately freaks out on me, and starts yelling in my face that he was cancelling our upcoming vacation! and moving out asap!, we are over! it was SHOCKING and devastating. he got kicked out of the bar, she got asked to settle up and leave. i sat there stunned. our mutual friend saw it all, my bartender friend saw it all. she said she was finishing her shift and 20 minutes and asked me to stay and she'll hang out with me. so the mutual friend and bartender friend consoled me and tried to cheer me up. i think we were all stunned, no one ever saw this kind of behavior from my uBPD boyfriend before. when i went home, i checked that he made it home safely. he was passed out on the futon. i slept on my bed and was utterly confused. the next morning i was in trouble for not leaving with him. or i should say, for the next year and a half, i was in trouble for having abandoned him.

i think that's all i can write for now... .to be continued... .

[pearlsw]

Hi eeps,

Just read your last reply here. Thanks for sharing about your experiences! I can imagine that all that drinking on top of "emotional sensitivity" can be quite a lot to handle!

Your story reminded me that the boyfriend I had years ago, we dated for thirteen months, was a musician. He was in five bands at once! (And had a full time job as well, plus ran a non-profit!) I can certainly attest to how difficult it can be, alone, to be with a musician, but add in these issues, and hangers on, and it was all quite a lot to handle.

Certainly I have some great memories, but the lifestyle was not so easy, especially since I was very athletic at the time and keeping different hours.

Sorry I don't know your full story! You are trying to move on from all this/make sense of what happened?

He felt abandoned by you that night at the bar? Although he left? Or did your friends keep you there because he was so difficult in that moment?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[eeps]

hi pearl!

yes, i'm trying to move on (i am NC since this past monday night) and make sense of everything.

and yes, he felt abandoned after he was kicked out of the bar. he says when he found himself on the street, he didn't know what had happened, why he was there or where i was. (i don't fully buy that, but ok) he says i should have left when he was kicked out, i should have "had his back" and "been on his team" my friends encouraged me to stay because he had just made a huge scene at the bar and yelled at me. i was extremely confused by everything that was happening.
in the following days, he called me terrible names, and accused me of stealing his friends (?) and he insisted that i had to talk to our friends involved to make everything right. he had a ton of shame, but he projected most of it onto me. he wouldn't step foot into that bar for months and months. (i dj there every other week and our friends hang out there) he would make me feel bad anytime i went there after that, and began to talk down on everyone there.

this incidence was just the first of many, but most had a similar pattern from this point on.

and we did end up going on that vacation he was threatening to cancel. but he made sure i didn't have much fun. he was one click away from putting me on a flight to send me back home days early. our days were consumed by me trying to keep him calm about the bar incidence, we would spend hours in our airbnb playing it over again and again. and then he would be mad at me for not having fun when i was bummed out about all the blame that was being dumped on me. i was trying to defend my actions and he was berating me for never getting a good enough apology for abandoning him. i did apologize many times for not leaving with him even though i don't think i should have. i did it just to try and get him to calm down and let it go. i wish i didn't apologize for what i am not sorry for, but i also wish i knew then that defending myself was just making matters worse.

more to come. thanks for listening.

[pearlsw]

Hi eeps,

Oh sure! Well, I can really imagine how hard this must have been!

Yes, it is tough to consider if we could have handled a single conversation better how different things might be between us and another person now... .But then again, sometimes one single conversation is a sign that there was a much bigger problem going on.

I realize you are trying to move on, and I know folks don't often suggest tools on this board, but I can't help but want to mention this tool to you. Going forward in other relationships, someday, it can come in quite handy. Hope you don't mind!

Don't JADE.

Has he made any effort to contact you in this month?

What kinds of questions are coming up for you about the relationship as you try to make sense of things?

wishing you the best, pearl.

[eeps]

so... .early 2017... .now we get into stressful relationship conversations nearly every day. it's a total rollercoaster, one day i'm black the next white. so many huge fights over insignificant comments taken the wrong way and blown up. so many nights kept awake until 5 or 6 in the morning in cyclical conversations that will never end. being blamed for every action he makes.
being pushed from one room to another, then him calling the cops on ME, and then calling the friend who i left to stay with and telling her that i pushed him, and then being called "pure evil" the next day when i returned home.
saying he doesn't even know who i am, accusing me of having a secret life. accusing me of continuing a relationship with the person who i very casually dated very briefly when we were friends and roommates and both dating other people.
constantly accusing me of being out to get him, out to destroy him. accusing me of having plans to "metoo" him, telling me that i think he's an "abuser" basically shutting down any possibility of having a serious conversation about abusive behavior.
threw a glass of water on my when i was lying in bed in the darkness when i was perceived as rejecting him sexually. (i later figured out how tied into his dysregulation his need for sexual release was)
anytime i would go out of town for work, he would become completely depressed and needy. texting and calling me while i was on the job and unable to respond, and sometimes even threatening that he felt suicidal.
had a dream that i smothered him with a pillow and was mad at me for a whole day.
rages whenever i would try to leave an argument because i had to go to work or some other responsibility. would go and get totally wasted and then wake me up and rage at me when he would get home late at night.
constantly accusing me of kicking him out of the apartment
(i did do this once when we got into a terrible fight that lasted all night, i had out of town friends arriving at 9am the next morning for a visit we planned for over a month. when we woke up i asked him to go spend the weekend somewhere else because we weren't going to resolve the fight before my friends arrived. he took this as a breakup and i sort of just went with that. we were "broken up" but he made no attempts to move out and would complain to me that my apartment was the only thing he could afford, further making me feel like he was just using me for a convenient place to stay, and hooked up with some girl and expected me to be his therapist about his anxiety about that, the whole while we were still intimate with each other. this lasted about a month until we decided we would stay together and work on things)
but after that he would constantly accuse me of kicking him out all the time, and would often dramatically tell me that he has no home, no pillow to lay his head.
his ex-wife invited us over for dinner. (i feel pretty weird about their dynamic, but have always tried to grin and bear it) it was going really well and we were all having a great conversation and laughing, his ex-wife jokingly called him "emo" and i laughed and agreed/said the exact same thing, and he flipped out on me and started yelling at me. saying he couldn't live like this, i'm always out to get him. it was so embarrassing, i tried to get him to leave with me because i thought it was so inappropriate for him to subject his ex to our problems. but he wouldn't go, so i took a taxi home. he stayed over night at his ex's house and they talked about our relationship all night, her being the therapist/mom.
we did mushrooms together and stayed in a cabin in the woods. he cried and had a lot of anxiety while tripping, i was soothing him but also pretty blissed out and full of joy in my own experience... .shortly after that experience, during our next fight, he called me shallow because i experienced the trip differently/positively. he would often times make fun of how i dress, or tell me that my tattoo is dumb, or about my friends or anything really, but really childish kinds of insults and usually about things that he previously expressed that he loved about me.
get mad at me over something insignificant over texts. and then send me a million texts that were just brain vomit, starting with "you're bad" and going around to "i love you so much, you're so awesome" and back around to "you're psychotic and dangerous"

anyway, yeah.
i tried to break up with him this past May. it was a sad emotional conversation, but it was also loving and kind. i just said we are not happy, we haven't been able to fix our problems, i can't keep doing this. i want us both to be happy and healthy. he agreed, it went pretty well. then we went to bed, he wanted me to sleep in the bed with him. he tried to initiate sex immediately, i was feeling sad and not sexy and confused that he would try and have sex right after we agreed to break up. he freaked out that i rejected sex, but wouldn't let me sleep in the other room. the next morning he was going to visit his parents, he spent the entire 6 hour train ride texting me about what a terrible person i am and how he was going to ruin me and tell his parents how awful i am. then told me he all he talked about with them was how amazing i am and how much he loves me. while he was away he called me and begged me to reconsider breaking up with him, and that he would move out of the apartment and that would fix things. i eventually agreed to this, and our communication turned very sweet. i picked up some of his favorite foods for when he returned from his parents and tried to work on everything. he started baiting me about the decision to move out, he had no intentions of moving out... .but was provoking me to "kick him out" eventually i took the bait and pointed out that we discussed and agreed that he would move out. another epic fight.
he left for tour a few days later, and i broke down on the phone to my mom when i called he on mother's day. i hadn't told her ANYTHING about what was going on and she was shocked. i of course didn't tell her anything too bad... .but she still insisted that i make an appointment with a therapist, and she was trying to encourage me to pack his things and change the locks. i couldn't do that, ever. but i did make an appointment with a therapist. my therapist helped me feel empowered to get him into couples therapy with me. we had 2 sessions with the couples therapist, and then i had an individual meeting with her & that's when she recommended i read Stop Walking on Eggshells.
that's when i found you guys! i started reading EVERYTHING here, started fixing some of my friendships i had been neglecting, started trying out the tools with my boyfriend. i definitely see how the tools work, but it also made me pretty sad. sad that i wasn't really communicating with this person, sad to realize i would never have a 50/50 partnership with this person i loved so much. sad that the best i could hope for was managing his dysregulations.
meanwhile, he was completely fixated on all the same old stuff, still talking about stuff that happened a year and a half ago, and still blaming me. i was completely exhausted. i was trying everything to work on it, and he couldn't even see that.
i broke up with him about an hour before we were supposed to head in to another session with our couples counselor. i was sitting there having a fantasy about breaking up with him DURING the session, and he walked into the room, and i just couldn't do it a minute longer. i let it out, i said "I'M DONE. YOU'RE MOVING OUT. you have two weeks to get out, i'll stay at a friends' while you figure it out. if you don't move out on x date, i'll change the locks. that's it, it's over. i'm done." he was calm but was trying to talk me out of it, bargaining with anything he could, saying he would change, saying he would move out but we'll stay together, anything. grasping at straws. i stood my ground, and then we went to the couples session! i knew we would have to pay for it anyway, so i went, said he could come to if he wanted, i don't care either way. he did. i'm glad we went, i think that helped a bit. she validated that i was done, helped him hear that i meant it, helped him hear that it didn't matter if he agreed with me or not.

i'll write a bit more about what's been going on since the break up date. but that's all for now. thanks for being here and reading my story. this helps to write it down.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi eeps, I am glad it’s helping to get it all out.  So much of what you have written I have also experienced in my relationship with my estranged husband.  The pushing you to the limit and then the begging not to go through with the consequences of pushing you to the limit.  To me it’s like my husband was constantly pushing to see where the limit was.  The keeping you awake going around and around to no point.  My husband would throw my pillow on the floor and then complain when I didn’t sleep in our bed. 

Obviously, you feel empowered by making a decision and sticking with it.  It’s tough, I know.  But, you tried everything it seems and it takes courage to make a change.

You are making progress!

Mustbe

[eeps]

thank you Mustbe! i can't tell you how much it means to me to have this forum as a support.
i feel like i keep taking one step forward, and then 20 steps back... .but i'll keep picking myself back up and move forward again.

[eeps]

breaking up is really hard. i hate that this feels like the only solution. i've never broken up with someone and still felt so completely attached to them. i love my ex so much! i know he isn't a bad person, and i know he is struggling with a lot of heavy stuff. but i feel like i don't know any other way to make the terrible things that were happening stop. i was feeling a lot of shame about the behavior i was accepting, especially as i was reaching out to my mother, therapist and a couple close friends. it was embarrassing to admit to people who i cared about that i had been hiding things about my relationship that i knew weren't good. but i also recognize that i was/am reaching out to them because i need others to hold me accountable. i feel very weak.
i have been talking to my therapist and thinking a lot about ways in which i'm codependent. i had an abusive older sister growing up, and a bad relationship in my late 20's with an ex who was a master gaslighter, controlling and manipulative. i was with him for nearly seven years and i'm still not sure why. i hated him for how he treated me, but for some reason i couldn't leave. we lived in different cities, so i think that helped me avoid and tolerate... .but why? these are the things that i'm really trying to work on now... .i realize i'm still carrying around whatever behaviors i learned from those experiences.

after i proclaimed that we are breaking up and he had 2 weeks to move out, i went and stayed at a friend's place. i had to make it "real". i knew if i stayed at our apartment, we would just talk talk talk talk talk about it. and sleep together. and nothing would change.  he lashed out at me, tried calling me over 40 times the first night, texted about a million times. i managed to not respond. he was saying that he was putting my stuff outside, i gritted my teeth, hoped that wasn't true, and stayed put. i put my trust in knowing that if he did do that, he would feel so terrible the next day that he would replace whatever was destroyed. (he didn't put my stuff outside)
thankfully, i've had a ton of work fall in my lap pretty much right at the same time i put this in motion. i'm a freelancer, and work has been very slow this whole past year, but by some grace, picked up exactly when i needed the distraction and responsibility the most. and money. because i am not nearly ready to imagine getting a roommate and having another human being in my living space right now! i am so ready for some peace.
surprisingly, he started packing his things and searching for a new apartment right away. i'm actually really proud of him and i feel like that accomplishment will serve him well in the future. he found a new place within 4 days which is pretty amazing! it's hard to find apartments here! (the time we fought and my friends were coming to town in the morning and i kicked him out for the weekend, the first thing he did was call his mother (in front of me! i guess he WANTED me to hear this pathetic conversation?) and complain that i kicked him out and he didn't know what to do. his mom (who lives out of state) immediately jumped to his rescue and started scouring craigslist for apartments in our huge city for her precious baby, her 34 year old son. ugh.)
i wasn't no contact directly after the break-up, but any time his texts would get too mean, or too frequent, or too push/pull of emotions... .i would limit my responses. keep it brief and friendly, and try not to engage in the emotional stuff too much.
as the move out date got nearer, i became really overwhelmed with sadness. it's all really sad.
he was sad too, too sad to stay at our apartment as most of his stuff was in boxes. he spent the last few nights before the move at his ex-wife's and i went back to stay at our apartment.
as he was moving out, we crossed paths a few times and had some heart to hearts. some good moments of understanding, mixed in with a good amount of anger and hurt. from both of us. he tried to convince me that living together before we even had a chance to date each other was the 900 lb gorilla in the room and now that he's moving out, everything is fixed and we should be together. i mean, I REALLY WANT TO BELIEVE THIS! and i'm sure that didn't help matters one bit... .but... .too much has happened.
August 1st was move out day. it was tough. i was at work all day and getting a barrage of emotional texts. when i got home he was there, and we talked for a good long while, but then i started to get very anxious. i had to dj that evening and then work again the next morning. i needed to eat dinner and gather together my records. i asked him to leave so i could do those things, he left on an ok note. sad mostly. i mentioned that he didn't have to be sad, and stop by the bar i was djing at if he felt ok about that. he ended up showing up at 3am, right before i was done. i was pretty drunk at that point because... .well, i was having fun, and i really didn't think he would show up at all, and i probably needed to let loose a little bit. for the past 6 months or so i hadn't been drinking much at all because his overdrinking makes it seem so unappealing. plus it's hard to let loose like that when you're doing it with someone who very well might flip on you at any moment. anyway... .he ended up walking me home that night, and we spent the night together. and it was quite fun, perhaps because the 900 lb gorilla was gone for the first time? i dragged myself to work the next morning, hungover and with little sleep. only to do it again that night too, dj i mean! no drinking, and no going home with my ex. instead, he sent me a million texts all night while i was djing, photos of us together, very emotional... .i didn't respond, i didn't want to egg him on. the night before was fun, but i knew it wasn't what we should be doing right now. i got home around 5am (i know, my life is kind of ... .peter pan?) i had to work again in the morning, so i was exhausted after 2 days of this! as soon as i fell asleep, i was awakened to my door being unlocked. at 5:30am! my uBPDex was coming into my apartment as i slept! i was so angry! i needed to sleep, i hadn't invited him over in any way, and he has a major history of keeping me awake. i had to kick him out, told him it was unacceptable to come over at 5:30am, he was sobbing loudly in my hallway, he wouldn't leave. i tried to get him to give my keys back and he complained that he still had stuff to get. i told him he should have had it out on Aug 1 and he messed up. finally he left. i couldn't sleep after that, or for subsequent nights until i got the keys back.
he would come over, presumably to move the rest of the stuff, and then try to engage me in hours long talks. i was getting really exhausted and angry by him not getting his stuff out, it definitely felt like he was holding on by not finishing the move. i needed it to just be over. i was very very angry... .and by the time he gave me the keys back i was ready to go NC. thankfully, he was also leaving for another tour so that helped us both cut communication. i knew he would be happy to be back on the road living his "rockstar" life. we were both NC for about 2 or 3 weeks, and it was extremely hard, but really helpful.
when he got back to town, he reached out about picking up mail and packages. he came over the next afternoon and we sat on the stoop and talked for a couple hours. it was nice. it was peaceful. and it was sad too. he got stung by a bug, so he came upstairs and i put baking soda & water on it. we continued talking in the apartment. at one point he turned the conversation to, so-and-so says you broke up with me in THE WORST WAY EVER, and i kind of lost it, i'm so sick of him using what other people think as a way to make me feel (good or bad! often times he say "so-and-so says we're awesome together"... .i feel like it was a way to get me to believe that what was really happening, wasn't. because "we're awesome", but he also uses other people to paint me black, or to threaten to "ruin" me) ... .so i got mad, he left, i instantly felt bad that a good conversation turned ugly, i didn't want to end on that note. i called him and apologized and begged him to come back so we could end on a good note. he did, we both apologized. then he kissed me... .and... .well... .here we go again.  over the next couple of days, we hung out 2 other times. both times i spent the night at his new apartment. which felt good! everything was definitely lighter. what if we really could work on our stuff by living separately? we were both cautious and realistic and agreed we needed time to figure out if we could get to a better place. but we did have a really sweet couple of nights together. the 2nd night i spent at his place, he was leaving the next morning for his band to play 2 shows over the weekend. he had his uber drop me off at my apartment on his way to the airport friday morning. we texted each other sweetly while he was gone. monday afternoon i started getting "i'm really confused" type texts while he and the band were in a van driving across states. i was at home sick with a cold, so i was able to text him for hours, soothing him and telling him we would figure it out, we need to take it slow, we both have so much to work on. both of us saying how much we love each other. him telling me that i'm the love of his life, but he's so confused. finally in the evening, i pick up on some texts that mention "attention on the road" and ask him if something happened in the 3 days he was away. he suddenly changes tone, tried to pretend his phone was dying and wouldn't answer. finally, he admits that he slept with someone the night before. (he has done this once before, a year and a half earlier... .but! this is not his style! he has a lot of anxiety around sexual intimacy and has not had many partners before me.) i felt completely devastated. i feel like he did this to either: punish me for breaking up with him or because he was scared about what it meant that he and i hooked up post- break up. i was scared too! but i would have never slept with someone 3 days later! i couldn't bear it, it just hurt too bad. i decided i needed to really go NC, that's the only way that i'm going to be able to break out of this cycle.
he instantly started blaming me over text. told me that i told him to go have fun and be a rockstar (yuck. i guess somehow sleeping with people is how you do that? i never told him any such thing of course.) it hurts so bad, all of it. but maybe this is what i need to hold myself accountable to participating?
the next night i was finally able to muster up the ... .whatever it is... .to block his number and remove him from social media. wow, it hurts. but i do feel some relief. that was last tuesday night.
he has emailed me a handful of times since. a couple days ago i did send him an email explaining that i can't communicate because it hurts too bad and i want to heal, and i hope he does too. i don't want him to think i'm being vindictive, i just need to let go and i'm having a really hard time. it does feel like withdrawal from a drug. i know i need to, but i'm so scared of letting him go.
i wish i could help him. it feels so awful to think that there are things he can do to alleviate the pain to himself and those closest to him, but he'll probably never find those things. i wish i could point him in those directions. i find myself wishing i could reach out to someone close to him- actually, i think about reaching out to his father. both of his parents were social workers, they're smart and sensitive! what if i explained that their son might benefit from DBT? could they help him? (don't worry, i'm not going to do this)
this is all just so heartbreaking.
ever since we started couples counseling, i feel like i've been on a fact-finding mission. what is going on here? how do these puzzle pieces fit together? what is my part? i am determined to continue my own healing and growth. i want to be a better person, i want this all to somehow be a positive experience.
today is his 35th birthday. it feels sad to not be a part of it, but i'm also angry that he pushed me out.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear eeps-
I’m so sorry... .it is heartbreaking, all of it.  The feeling that we know what our lover doesn’t know, about him.  And somehow if we could just tell the “right” person this key information, this diagnosis, our lover would do DBT and become the man we are CERTAIN he could be.  But no... .

I know you did all you could to comfort, support and love him.  That’s very clear from what you’ve written.  I hope you understand that his dysregulation would have come out whether you lived together or not.  And I don’t believe there was any “controlling” the direction your friendship took.  You were both in a place where you wanted more than friendship.  We all have “woulda, coulda, shoulda’s”... .so please don’t blame yourself for that. 

Our pwBPD have an inability to accept responsibility for most of their hurtful actions, an incredibly deep problem with shame.  This comes out as blame... .on you.  For pretty much everything.  It’s very confusing before you realize what’s taking place; and really sad, but almost amusing once you learn about BPD.  Nothing was personal, but EVERYTHING feels so deeply personal.  And painful.  Clear as mud.

For people who use the communication tools and learn to establish strong boundaries (to me it was like learning a foreign language), there can be real improvement.  But it’s so hard.  (One of those boundaries would be that you need to get to sleep by “X” time, so even though you want to listen to him, let’s continue this discussion... .”).  You see?  There are great tools on this forum.

I do understand that you’ve gone NC, and I support you in that effort.  Sometimes it takes a few tries to really maintain NC. 

The communication tools and boundary setting are immensely helpful with not only pwBPD, but all people.  I recently learned I have some strong codependency traits (once I really understood what that meant).  I’ve attended a few telephone CODA meetings and they’re amazing.

Within relationships with pwBPD, there IS a whole lot of forgiving that takes place.  Sometimes the non forgives pretty unforgivable behavior... .over and over.  And yes, a LOT of what he does, you would NEVER consider doing.  But pwBPD are not normal, healthy people.  And as far as his cheating... .As painful as that is to you, to him there was likely no connection to his heart in the action.  It was an action, or more likely a “reaction” and nothing more.   He has to blame you.  That’s his illness.

I’m older than you - 60.  And so is my exuBPDbf.  I shudder to think what he must have put women through in his younger years.  We have not laid eyes on one another since February, when I had to make him leave due to cruelty.  And we were NC (except for occasional texts) until we began having long phone conversations last week.  In the almost 5 years I’ve known him, he’s done and said horrible things, but he’s never cheated.  Maybe they grow out of that?  And he stopped drinking wine (cold turkey) 8 months after we met when I said wine changed his personality and it was a problem for me.  He went to one beer a day and now drinks nothing.  He is working on what he needs to change to reunite.  My jury is still out.  There are steep conditions for his return.  He needs to understand that I’m here, too.  With feelings and a voice that needs to be heard and respected.

Eeps... .I do know, and I don’t know.  I understand the sadness.  I will tell you that detachment is possible, but it takes time.  You have to allow yourself the grief and sadness.  It seems the end of these relationships can cause us to take a deep, deep dive into our own pasts.  Lots of asking “why” we allowed what we did.  I’m finding my issues and mute behavior in this relationship were more a result of past trauma than BPDbf.  He was the catalyst that brought everything back up.  Only this time, at this late stage, it is either heal me or walk out of my own life.  I’m choosing to heal.  And so can you.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Educated_Guess]

Hi eeps!  Thank you so much for sharing more of your story.  I empathize with a lot of what you have shared - the blame, the shame and the embarrassment. 

I also identify with the way you described suffering abuse in past family and romantic relationships.  The ending of my relationship brought up a lot of my past abuse issues to the surface.  In a way, this is one of the good things about the break up.  When these memories were brought to the surface, I could finally see them and understand how they were driving my own behaviors and assumptions.  By reopening those deeper childhood wounds, my ex inadvertently created an environment where I can now work on healing those wounds properly.

I am SO PROUD of you for making decisions to improve your life, like the decision to break up and to go NC.  That is such a powerful thing to be able to recognize what you need to do to make your life better and having the strength to follow through on it!

[eeps]

Gemsforeyes, your note made me cry! in a cathartic way. i am so appreciative of your extremely thoughtful, generous response.
and you too Educated_Guess, thank you so much for your response!
i want to write more, but i just got home from an 18 hour work day (yikes!) and i've got to be back at it in just a few hours. but thank you so much for your support and kindness.
 

[XSurvivorX]

Eeps,

Wow! My ex wife wasn't a rock star, and I'm not some cool dj/artist type, but large segments of your story could have been ripped right out of my own life.  In fact, reading your story like, gave me little shudders of my ex dBPDw!  I cannot tell you how many times I was painted black, punished, and given the silent treatment because I "talked to another woman" or "kissed another woman"... .in one of HER dreams! I would say that I didn't do anything, though! 'Dreams are a manifestation of secret desires, XSurvivorX' she would spit at me.  Huh? Well, then shouldn't her own dreams of me doing that be something to do with her own latent desires and fears or something? Why do I keep getting punished for dream-me?

I think that was one of those    moments I chose to ignore, when her dream-me would result in me getting punished in real life for absolutely no logical or rational reason.  I mean, listening to me say it, I am sure you are thinking "Man that is just crazy - why would you put up with that? Its total BS."  Easy to look at it the other way around, eh?  Its often harder to look at our own relationship objectively like that.

Your story has tugged at my heartstrings, and I thank you for sharing.  I want to give you a huge hug, but I also want to shake you at the same time and say 'My GOD woman come to your senses!' I say this half-jokingly for levity, but honestly I say this out of empathy. It is like trying to quit a drug of sorts.  I am able to empathize with almost every aspect of your story, it is so sad. I think what makes it harder to recover is when you still have such strong feelings for the borderline, because you just wish you could help! You hold on so desperately to that vision of what they are or were; that thing you saw in them that you just figured you never could live without.

I am so terribly sorry Eeps.  But as you are reading from around here, sadly this is the way that these pwBPD relationships go.   I was never more embarrassed in my entire life than when I had to start letting my own family and closest friends in on the sheer hell that I was living through at the hands of my ex dBPDw.  Unless you are involved with a borderline, you just don't know or understand.  Its just not possible.

I wish I could just give you bullet point after bullet point of advice, but many folks here have said things better than I could, and honestly there isn't any one single sentence that I could type or convey that is going to make it all better for you.

Instead, I want to ask you a series of questions. Bear with me:

- What specifically is it that you so dearly love(d) about this man?  What specifics? Do you think these things or traits are ever-present in him at all times? Do they only come out occasionally?

- You clearly still have feelings for him, I just don't know if they are for him, or an idealized version of him you have.  Do you still think that the person in there that you love is something worth trying to fight through the BPD issues for?  If a friend were in a similar situation, what would your advice to them be?

- You mentioned some previous bad relationships you haven't seemed to fully learn from, or take into practice some of the identified lessons from them.  What do you think you will be doing differently in the future as a result from everything you've just experienced here?

- What are you going to to do for you in the coming weeks? I'm concerned that with the potential of him to keep popping by or trying to see you, that your NC and own healing process may get usurped, and I wouldn't want to see that happen.  So what do you think you will be doing in the coming days and weeks to help you cool off, and give you opportunities to focus on you?

I feel for you - I really do.  Wishing you the absolute best,

[eeps]

The communication tools and boundary setting are immensely helpful with not only pwBPD, but all people.  I recently learned I have some strong codependency traits (once I really understood what that meant).  I’ve attended a few telephone CODA meetings and they’re amazing.

yes, Gemsforeyes! i've certainly been finding this true. i've been working on recognizing codependency traits in my whole life, not just with my uBPD. i was even able to set some new, much needed boundaries with a couple friends. i was amazed by how good it felt to recognize that a line had been crossed, know that i didn't have to own it, and call it out. both times my friends responded with total respect. this was before i even broke up with my boyfriend, and i do think he noticed this new way of dealing with things in me.
i sort of wish i had had energy to work on using the tools more with my uBPD and see if there was any improvement before i ended it. (i gave it almost exactly one month between finding out about BPD and breaking up, so even though i was learning the tools i barely gave them a chance) but ultimately, i know i had been through too much already. and i know he's not going to be letting up on the drinking any time soon, and that seems to really amplify everything. so, i feel confident about my decision to walk away.
i'm hoping to attend some CODA meetings as soon as my work schedule loosens up again.
i'm glad you're choosing to heal.

[eeps]

The ending of my relationship brought up a lot of my past abuse issues to the surface.  In a way, this is one of the good things about the break up.  When these memories were brought to the surface, I could finally see them and understand how they were driving my own behaviors and assumptions.  By reopening those deeper childhood wounds, my ex inadvertently created an environment where I can now work on healing those wounds properly.

i'm with you on this Educated_Guess! this is my wake up call to really do the work. i'm ready! it's taking all of my strength and willpower to walk away from this person i still love SO MUCH, so it better be for good reason, you know?

[eeps]

XSurvivorX i want to thank you so much for your response. it's amazing how just sharing these experiences with each other helps to not feel alone or crazy. i think i was starved for validation in my relationship, something he was completely unable to give me. and the validation that comes from sharing our stories and seeing so many dang parallels is as comforting as it is heartbreaking.
and i totally understand being punished for "dream you"! it is crazy! but when you're in it, it's hard to know what end is up.

- What specifically is it that you so dearly love(d) about this man?  What specifics? Do you think these things or traits are ever-present in him at all times? Do they only come out occasionally?

this is tough to answer! he is so very sweet and tender at the core, not afraid to show his emotions at all. i find that extremely endearing. he is generally an optimist and can be very silly and upbeat (except when he's not  ) we share an intense love of music. i'm incredibly attracted to him, and we had amazing sexual chemistry. basically, he's like a puppy dog! (i joked to my friends while we were struggling "he's like a puppy, and he's peeing all over my life!")
i know i also am in love with the "narrative" (there was an amazing thread, i think on the learning boards about being attached to the narrative of the r/s rather than the reality, i wish i had bookmarked it) of he and i. he often talked about who he was, who we were or could be as a couple, and what his friends thought about us... .and i think i really wanted to buy into the narrative he was selling me. but a lot of it was just talk, it wasn't the reality of our relationship at all. i think i'm still trying to see that clearly.

- You clearly still have feelings for him, I just don't know if they are for him, or an idealized version of him you have.  Do you still think that the person in there that you love is something worth trying to fight through the BPD issues for?  If a friend were in a similar situation, what would your advice to them be?

you're very right. i honestly don't know if they are for him or for the idealized version of him.
i think i mostly feel like, if he doesn't know he has these BPD traits and isn't working on them, then no... .it's not worth fighting through the BPD issues. why should i bear the weight of that alone? no.
i think my advice to a friend would probably be to end the relationship and detach.

- You mentioned some previous bad relationships you haven't seemed to fully learn from, or take into practice some of the identified lessons from them.  What do you think you will be doing differently in the future as a result from everything you've just experienced here?

well, first off, i'm probably gonna take some time off from even the idea of dating! maybe i'll get a dog and move to the woods instead! (just kidding... .just kidding!)
i think i'm really gonna need some time to build boundary setting skills. i don't think i've ever known how to do this. it's funny you ask what my advice to a friend would be, i feel like i'm great at identifying what boundaries other people should have, but when it comes to myself, i'll bear them being trampled over and over again. i think i have a real problem listening to my gut. it's hard for me to identify my feelings, especially in regards to romantic relationships. i take the idea of compromise too far, where i'm the only one making the compromises.

- What are you going to to do for you in the coming weeks? I'm concerned that with the potential of him to keep popping by or trying to see you, that your NC and own healing process may get usurped, and I wouldn't want to see that happen.  So what do you think you will be doing in the coming days and weeks to help you cool off, and give you opportunities to focus on you?

there is a very high potential of running into him, we have TONS of mutual friends. august 1st he moved to an apartment that is about a 20 minute walk away, but he decided that it was too small. he found another place and just moved in september 1st, it is 5 blocks down the street from me. yes, it is a better apartment, but yes, i think he partially moved there to be even closer to me.
i have been doing a really good job of keeping NC ever since the last girl on the road incident. i think if i can stick to it, he will lose interest. but i do want to be prepared for running into him. i should probably try and come up with a game plan for how i will neutralize the situation.
in the meantime, i've been devouring information here on the boards and i reading as much as i can on BPD, i even bought the DBT Workbook which is pretty fascinating (and man oh man do i wish there was a way my ex could read it.) i've been listening to youtube meditations for detaching from emotional abuse when i have trouble sleeping, and then listening to mindfulness meditations in the morning. i have been trying to ride my bike as often as i can, and doing yoga. taking time to listen to good records and talking to my plants. i'm still seeing my therapist every other week, and i've been trying to see my friends as often as i can. i'm trying to be gentle with myself, but also determined that i focus on healing my deeper issues.
 

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi again, eeps.  It sounds like you are doing so many things right.  It's so easy to fall back into the relationship again, and again.  Don't beat yourself up about it.  Sometimes we fall and we just have to get up and brush ourselves off.  You are building a stronger self.

I understand your questions of "what is going on here?" And struggling with how the puzzle pieces fit together.  That has been the source of a lot of anxiety on my part.  I have read that confusion is a form of denial.  I know that being in denial kept me stuck in the relationship for a long time.  I have been trying to sort the facts out from all of the emotions that surround the facts.  When you lay out the facts, the actual things that were said and done, then what has happened is a little clearer.  A pwBPD can keep the facts confused because emotions are always at the forefront, and the emotions can change rapidly causing us to doubt our version of events.

I have been thinking about your post, and I think that if you continue to suss out the facts, separated from the turmoil of emotions, you will be more able to fit the pieces together.

Like you, I have always had trouble with boundaries.  I am a big fan of compromise, and that has served me well in a lot of circumstances.  But, for those times when a firm boundary was necessary, I just struggled holding the line.  It felt selfish to insist upon my own way.  Finally, I am getting better at it.   When I heard it explained this way, it became clearer.   Examine your core values and decide what you will keep in your life and what you will not let in, or what you must kick out.  It's like a fenced in yard, what will you let in? and what will you keep out?  It's not selfish to uphold your own values, it's self preservation.  It's great that you have already been working on this and felt the power that taking control of your own life gives.

Just my two cents, but trying to stay true to my boundaries and focus on myself, I have really limited my alcohol intake.  When I have a few drinks, I start to feel a little sentimental and things seem a little different than they would if I was totally sober.   Everyone has to make their own choices on this, but dealing with life soberly has been the best choice for me.

Keep up the good work, and continue posting, it sounds like it's helping.

 

Peace and blessings,

Mustbeabetterway  

[XSurvivorX]

Eeps, you really do sound like you're making some serious positive strides and that you're coping alright! That's a nice pick me up (for me) on a Monday morning.  Stay strong, stay positive, and keep at it.

You're doing much more than I was at this stage during my detachment.  It's slightly different since I was the one who demanded the divorce as she never wanted to leave, but in terms of life changes and coping mechanisms - for the first few months I mostly survived on a diet of Michelob, Entenmann's chocolate donuts, and potato chips.  Not the best tools 

So glad and proud to read your reply!

[eeps]

well, don't be too proud of me. i already messed up, again.
i unblocked his phone number a couple days ago because it just felt so weird to have it blocked, i've never blocked anyone before! i got a text from him late saturday night, hoping i was doing ok and a bunch of hearts. i CARELESSLY responded sunday afternoon that "i'm ok, hope you're ok too."
well, that just opened the doors to so many more texts from him, ranging from sweet and sentimental, him telling me what my feelings are, blame, and petty false accusations, and back around to sweeping proclamations of love. a generous handful of texts all day, even though he knows i've been working very long hours on a project all week/weekend. i didn't answer, and then blocked his number again last night when i got home from work. and then i received five emails, the last one was lengthy, more apologetic and introspective, definitely pulling on my emotions, but still... .
looks like i've got to re-read this: https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way


Mustbeabetterway, i have been rolling your concept of confusion being a form of denial around in my head for the past couple of days, i think that's a really interesting perspective and i think it holds a lot of water. i've gotta do some more thinking on that one.
and, yes, i have definitely been consciously curbing my alcohol consumption these days (and my entire social life really) i've been having a lot of peaceful at home alone time, and it feels good.
a pint of ice cream for dinner is ok once in a while, right? 

[Mustbeabetterway]

Eeps,

Yes, I think it's ok to have a pint of ice cream for dinner, just every once in a while . Especially if it's really good ice cream

[XSurvivorX]

Hopefully your weekend experience was good for you in some way? A little whirlwind of feelings and roundabouts to remind you just exactly what and why you're here? At the end of the day, we support you.

One day I woke up and realized Hey! I'm an adult! I can have cake for breakfast if I want!

Ice cream, cake - whatever and whenever floats your boat