Younger Sister With BPD

[MikePemulis]

Hello everyone.

I just started reading “Stop Walking on Eggshells,” to try to help address some family relationship issues. I was struck by the description of this community and thought it might be worth checking out.

I’m in my early 40s and live on the West Coast of the US.  I am married to a wonderful woman, and we have two happy, healthy boys, both under age 2.

I grew up in the Southeast as the oldest of three children.  Our parents are living and still married.  The younger of my two sisters has long been diagnosed with BP (among many other things).  She has demonstrated issues with rage, violence, inappropriate behavior and threats for as long as I can remember.  She now lives with my parents, where she does not work or attend school, and does not treat with a therapist.

The issues that bring me here concern appropriate boundary setting as relates to my children.  My parents act as if they and my BP sister are a package deal.  This is causing some real tension that I can elaborate on later.  For now, looking forward to reading accounts of siblings of BPs who have strategies for navigating these waters.

Cheers,
Mike P.

(Mike Pemulis is the name of a character in a novel I enjoyed.  I’m not aware of any real person by that name).

[DaughterOfHera]

Welcome.     Yes, setting the healthy boundaries can be a real challenge when dealing with a loved one with a mental illness (and the others around them).  It's good that you're reaching out and searching.  Education and practice seem, I think, to be the keys to success with some of this.  Have you accessed any professionals or groups IRL to learn how to set boundaries?  Also, what would you say are YOUR needs under these circumstances with your family?  Do you give yourself permission to work with a "safety first" attitude, or perhaps another healthy attitude that works for you?  What have you tried so far?  Sending you wishes for ease as well as the information and resources that you seek. 

[Learning2Thrive]

I just started reading “Stop Walking on Eggshells,” to try to help address some family relationship issues. I was struck by the description of this community and thought it might be worth checking out.

I’m in my early 40s and live on the West Coast of the US.  I am married to a wonderful woman, and we have two happy, healthy boys, both under age 2.

MikeP! You’ve come to the right place. You will find many of us share similar experiences. We understand the frustration and anxiety.

Congratulations on being happily married with children! That is a true blessing.

I grew up in the Southeast as the oldest of three children.  Our parents are living and still married.  The younger of my two sisters has long been diagnosed with BP (among many other things).  She has demonstrated issues with rage, violence, inappropriate behavior and threats for as long as I can remember.  She now lives with my parents, where she does not work or attend school, and does not treat with a therapist.

The issues that bring me here concern appropriate boundary setting as relates to my children.  My parents act as if they and my BP sister are a package deal.  This is causing some real tension that I can elaborate on later.  For now, looking forward to reading accounts of siblings of BPs who have strategies for navigating these waters.

I can definitely understand your concerns.

What kind of boundaries would you like to set with your sister and your parents as it relates to your children? What is your gut instinct telling you?

Do your parents and sister still livein the Southeast while you and your family are on the West Coast? Or do they live near you? Or are you/they visiting soon?

Looking forward to learning more about you and how we may help.

L2T

[Harri]

Hi!  Let me join the others in saying welcome to the board.  We have several people who are currently posting about their sibling with BPD.  Setting boundaries with one family member is a challenge regardless of the particular relationship although we do have several current poster trying to do the same with the siblings/parents.

The hardest part is accepting that setting a boundary with one often means changes to the relationship with everyone.  When dealing with family, any change with one member affects everyone as the family usually functions as a system.  Changing any one aspect becomes a challenge as everyone fights to get the system back to 'normal', even if 'normal' is anything but.

I hope you feel comfortable posting more and settle in and read and reach out to others.  I learn so much from interacting with other people here.  Don't underestimate how helpful an online community like this can be.

Be well.

[Learning2Thrive]

  MP,

It’s been a while since you first posted. How are you doing? How are things going with your sister and your parents?

We’re here to listen and support you.  I hope you’ll come back and give us an update when you have a moment.

Take great care of yourself and your family. 

Sending you positive energy and and good thoughts,

L2T

[zachira]

You are loving father who is concerned how the behavior of your sister with BPD could affect your young children and this is a particular concern because she lives with your parents. Your two boys are under age two and very vulnerable to being exposed to scary situations that they cannot process verbally and could cause long term trauma. I would say for now that you and your wife need to develop a plan that will immediately remove your boys from any scene in which your sister is acting in ways that could scare the boys. If they do witness her acting out, it is important  for you and your wife to stay calm and provide physical and emotional comfort for the boys for as long as they need it in the moment, and possibly later, like if one of them wakes up with a nightmare. The fact that you are aware and concerned and are providing a loving caring home for your children will make a big difference. No parent can fully protect their child from undesirable situations, and it is the overall experience of having supporting loving parents who are there to help their children that will make it unlikely that your children are affected long term by their aunts' behaviors. Keep us posted on how you are doing, and what works, as there are many parents who post here with concerns similar to yours.

[MikePemulis]

Thanks, everyone for the kind and empathetic words.  Since my original post, I had a situation where I felt I had to draw a hard line in the sand.

To make a long story short, we had a family event involving the boys, to which my sister was not invited.  My parents threatened to, and ultimately did, cancel their tickets when I made clear that she would not be welcome. 

I don't know if I was right to do this, but, after finishing SWOE, I tried to put myself in my sister's shoes.  I thought it would be better if she heard my position from me, rather than filtered through my parents.  I called her on the phone on Labor Day weekend and explained why I hadn't invited her to the event.  I said, among other things, that this was the kind of situation, where, for a number of reasons, she probably would not be comfortable.  I kept my tone very calm.  As soon as I started talking about the event, her voice began to quiver, and she told me, "I will tell you what I have told my parents, and what I have told my friends, which is that I HAVE NO BROTHER.  GOODBYE."  She hung up on me, and I haven't spoken to her since.

After that, I sent a long message to my father explaining that, while I hope this won't be permanent, neither I nor my family will have contact with my sister going forward unless and until she apologizes, takes steps to treat herself, and shows something that looks to me like progress.  As far as I know, she's done none of that, and I recognize it's possible she never will. 

Part of the reason I haven't spoken up on this since my original post is because I think this community advocates for "no running," and maybe that's what I've done.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome back!  I am sorry to hear that things turned out the way they did with your sister. 

About the no run policy here.  You are right, we do have one, but that is more about one member telling another to leave the relationship.  You get to choose what is right for you and we will support you in that choice whether it is no contact, limited contact or full contact or anything in between all of those.  So please do continue to post.  We are not going to try to convince you to get back together with your sister though if you want to we can help you with that too.

What we focus on here is learning boundaries and other tools to help us in our relationships in general.  for example, sometimes cutting contact with one family member can affect your relationship with other family members.  Communication tools, understanding the behaviors involved in BPD and how that affects everyone will help with that.

After that, I sent a long message to my father explaining that, while I hope this won't be permanent, neither I nor my family will have contact with my sister going forward unless and until she apologizes, takes steps to treat herself, and shows something that looks to me like progress.  As far as I know, she's done none of that, and I recognize it's possible she never will. 

How are you doing with the possibility that she may never choose to get help?  Often times pwBPD do not realize that they have a problem no matter how obvious it may be to us.  This article helps explain that:  Anosognosia and Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy

I hope you stick around and post as we can and will support you.