When a therapist needs help- Sister Shows BPD Traits

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello  ,

First introductions always feel awkward for me. I feel like the new kid standing at the front of the classroom with everyone staring at me and sizing me up.

My name is Athenas Courage and I am a 30-something year old woman who is currently in graduate school to become a therapist.  I am completing my internship at our state's psychiatric hospital, which I am loving.  I am learning about diagnoses that would be more difficult to learn about in an outpatient setting in the community, so I feel very blessed.

I am the eldest of three children.  My younger sister is 18 months younger than myself and lives in another state with her soon-to-be third husband.  She and I have always had an unsteady relationship.  I constantly psychoanalyze myself, so I understand that my sister's experiences are going to be different than my own.  With that said, I can honestly say that she is the only person I have had such a rocky relationship with.  Every interaction with her leaves me feeling confused and bruised. She will take something that is said (or not said), turn it upside down and sideways, then turn around and attack me with it. She is like a drama tornado that blows through and leaves pain in her wake.

It hasn't been until the last year that I began to become somewhat familiar with Borderline and the symptoms.  I am still learning.  When I looked at BPD in my DSM-5, I was shocked to see that my sister matched all but two of the criteria for BPD.  I thought the stereotypical person with BPD would be easy to recognize, not someone who is functioning in society. The only reason she did not meet the remaining two was due to a lack of knowledge on my part based on what she has and has not shared with me.  Suddenly, a lifetime of pain and struggles with my sister began to make sense.

For those of you who have completed a genogram, you may be familiar with one or two individuals who appear to hold the most power over your family members.  That person is not always an adult or parent.  In my family, my sister has always held the power. Due to this, I decided to write a carefully worded letter to my mother explaining exactly what I have experienced and very specifically how my sister matches a diagnosis for BPD. I wanted validation of my experiences and perhaps an ah-ha moment from her like I had.

My mother dismissed my observations.  She sees my sister as a victim in this world, and has gone so far as to lie for her. That was painfully isolating.

Recently, I received a strongly worded text from my sister, completely out of the blue, asking me what my problem with her was.  I was able to disengage with her, but it left me feeling shaken.  Her last message to me informed me that she was returning to her child's birthday party and I should have a good night.  In other words, she took time out of her child's birthday party to send me a heated text message out of the blue, apparently in order to provoke me, only to return to the birthday festivities as if nothing had happened.

Who does this?  I cried myself to sleep that night.

It is unethical for me to diagnose my own sister, but I strongly believe that a qualified professional would agree with me based on her symptoms.

If I were to suggest this diagnosis to my sister, she would cut me out of her life permanently.  That's not an exaggeration.  As an example: when I gradated with my undergraduate degree, she became angry that I did not spend my graduation day focusing on her.  Driven by that anger, she cut me from her Facebook for over a year.  When she reached out to me again, there were no words whatsoever.  She simply sent me a Facebook friend request.

I love my sister but I do not like her very much.  I want good things for her and her children, but I cannot allow myself to be emotionally yanked around.

Most of all, I feel completely isolated in this since the one person I thought would believe me does not.  Or rather, chooses not to believe me because of her own reasons.

I'm looking forward to finding support here.  Working in a mental health facility where I can leave work at work is very different than having a family member who is struggling and causing disruptions in the family. I'm hoping I can learn skills here about how to handle my sister's random and cruel outbursts. In the meantime, I have started reading Stop Walking on Eggshells, and I have The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder being delivered this weekend.

Thank you for letting me take a few moments of your time  

[Athenas Courage]

Hello  ,

First introductions always feel awkward for me. I feel like the new kid standing at the front of the classroom with everyone staring at me and sizing me up.

My name is Athenas Courage and I am a 30-something year old woman who is currently in graduate school to become a therapist.  I am completing my internship at our state's psychiatric hospital, which I am loving.  I am learning about diagnoses that would be more difficult to learn about in an outpatient setting in the community, so I feel very blessed.

I am the eldest of three children.  My younger sister is 18 months younger than myself and lives in another state with her soon-to-be third husband.  She and I have always had an unsteady relationship.  I constantly psychoanalyze myself, so I understand that my sister's experiences are going to be different than my own.  With that said, I can honestly say that she is the only person I have had such a rocky relationship with.  Every interaction with her leaves me feeling confused and bruised. She will take something that is said (or not said), turn it upside down and sideways, then turn around and attack me with it. She is like a drama tornado that blows through and leaves pain in her wake.

It hasn't been until the last year that I began to become somewhat familiar with Borderline and the symptoms.  I am still learning.  When I looked at BPD in my DSM-5, I was shocked to see that my sister matched all but two of the criteria for BPD.  I thought the stereotypical person with BPD would be easy to recognize, not someone who is functioning in society. The only reason she did not meet the remaining two was due to a lack of knowledge on my part based on what she has and has not shared with me.  Suddenly, a lifetime of pain and struggles with my sister began to make sense.

For those of you who have completed a genogram, you may be familiar with one or two individuals who appear to hold the most power over your family members.  That person is not always an adult or parent.  In my family, my sister has always held the power. Due to this, I decided to write a carefully worded letter to my mother explaining exactly what I have experienced and very specifically how my sister matches a diagnosis for BPD. I wanted validation of my experiences and perhaps an ah-ha moment from her like I had.

My mother dismissed my observations.  She sees my sister as a victim in this world, and has gone so far as to lie for her. That was painfully isolating.

Recently, I received a strongly worded text from my sister, completely out of the blue, asking me what my problem with her was.  I was able to disengage with her, but it left me feeling shaken.  Her last message to me informed me that she was returning to her child's birthday party and I should have a good night.  In other words, she took time out of her child's birthday party to send me a heated text message out of the blue, apparently in order to provoke me, only to return to the birthday festivities as if nothing had happened.

Who does this?  I cried myself to sleep that night.

It is unethical for me to diagnose my own sister, but I strongly believe that a qualified professional would agree with me based on her symptoms.

If I were to suggest this diagnosis to my sister, she would cut me out of her life permanently.  That's not an exaggeration.  As an example: when I gradated with my undergraduate degree, she became angry that I did not spend my graduation day focusing on her.  Driven by that anger, she cut me from her Facebook for over a year.  When she reached out to me again, there were no words whatsoever.  She simply sent me a Facebook friend request.

I love my sister but I do not like her very much.  I want good things for her and her children, but I cannot allow myself to be emotionally yanked around.

Most of all, I feel completely isolated in this since the one person I thought would believe me does not.  Or rather, chooses not to believe me because of her own reasons.

I'm looking forward to finding support here.  Working in a mental health facility where I can leave work at work is very different than having a family member who is struggling and causing disruptions in the family. I'm hoping I can learn skills here about how to handle my sister's random and cruel outbursts. In the meantime, I have started reading Stop Walking on Eggshells, and I have The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder being delivered this weekend.

Thank you for letting me take a few moments of your time  

[Turkish]

Hi AC,

I'm glad that you found us. 

I only read SWOE, but it's said that the EFG is a better book.  Let us know what you think about that.  Many of the tools are discussed in the suggested reading at the top of the board. 

It sounds like you felt disappointed and maybe hurt by your mother's invalidation of you.  Like you have no one to talk to.  Suggesting a PD diagnosis rarely goes over well.  Even without making BPD,  my ex  accused me of "throwing my sickness in my face!" And this was someone who thought she had a "sickness" (her words) in addition to her clinically diagnosed Depression and Anxiety. 

I know that we are only a bunch of anonymous people on the Internet,  but we understand and will support and embrace you as family 

If I had to judge,  it sounds like your sister is jealous of you.  Do you think that has been the case?

[Athenas Courage]

Thank you for your kind words, Turkish. In addition to the books I mentioned, I've been browsing BPD family information online.  If you have additional suggestions, please don't hesitate to pass them along to me.

I feel silly admitting this, but jealousy is something I have never considered with my sister.  She is thinner, prettier, and like I said, holds the power in our family. She has always acted as though she has her stuff together, if not acting as if she is the superior person in the room. Now typing it out, I am beginning to see red flags.

I'm going to dwell on this some more.  In the meantime, do you have recommendations for coping with a loved one with BPD and jealousy?

[Turkish]

I'm not going to arm-chair diagnose her with NPD, but you I indicate narcissistic traits, which also manifest in those with BPD traits sometimes. My ex exhibits such traits.  My d
BPD mother doesn't have a narcissistic bone in her body. 

Gunderson states that NPD is the inflated false self, while BPD is the deflated false self. What's in common is self shame.  "My feelings are seen add worthless and don't matter; therfore,  I'm worthless and don't matter."

We can unknowingly trigger such feelings. We don't know what we don't know. 

I'm about to turn in for the night.  Hopefully others will chime in to support,  especially with your question on how to deal with jealousy. 

[Tregonsee]

Hi Athenas.  I can't comment much on jealousy, but with my BPD sis it seems everything is "me, me, me".  She has a gargantuan sense of entitlement, everything revolves around her.  Her feelings, needs and wants are the only feelings, needs and wants that matter.  And no one else deserves to have feelings, needs and wants except for her.  I believe this is part of the "devaluing" of others that BPDs tend to do.  Perhaps this can be interpreted as jealousy if BPD gets angry that someone else is getting the attention that they want for themselves. 
Your story about the text message during her kid's birthday celebration resonates with me.  My BPD sis is capable of superhuman feats of power with regard to the ability to rage and devote energy to spilling vile hateful words and feelings on me to the exclusion of all else.  She used to rage for HOURS at a time, would stand outside my closed bedroom door (when I would try to remove myself from the rage I would go into my bedroom) and continue to yell and say nasty things.  So I suppose multitasking would be a simple enough thing for BPD to do - anything to express their anger.  Once they have it in mind to rage at you they will let nothing stand in their way.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Athena,

Welcome to the community!  

I'm glad you reached out, as you'll find that members here really understand what you are going through. I can definitely relate to what you've written. My relationship with my brother has elements of what you've described, and I often leave interactions with him in tears. After finding myself in a romantic relationship with someone with BPD, it seems a Pandora's Box opened and I began to see similar patterns in the dynamics of my family of origin. I'm not diagnosing my family members; labels are not the point. The behaviors that hurt are. And you'll find that this site has tons of resources and tools that can help navigate the often rocky waters of these kinds of relationships.

The Lessons situated at the right sidebar of this page ------->
is a great place to explore as you gather support here.

I just want to say that just because your sister appears to be "better" than you in ways that the outside world may validate doesn't mean that she doesn't feel jealousy toward you. That's coming from my own personal experience/opinion. As you know, feelings for people with BPD can become "facts." And very intense, uncomfortable feelings can be an everyday occurrence.

How often do you see your sister?

Keep writing. It really helps to share. We're here for you.  

heartandwhole

[Star0009]

I feel jealousy with my possible BPD sister because she makes it that way. She is taller, 4 years younger and constantly points this outs, brags about how many guys she gets and acts secretive about her life, and subtly puts me down. She is constantly seeking male attention and following famous people. I don't think I would feel jealous if she was humble and didn't try to compare us and make me lesser than her. I'm put in a competition with her I didn't ask to be in and I hate it. As I mentioned in another post I avoid being alone with her in person because the second we are alone she puts me down and pushes my buttons. The last time I saw her the second we were alone and in my home she is a hairdresser and has long hair herself. She looked at me and said you look to old to have long hair and started begging me to cut it off for me in a boy cut. I told her "that is not nice you have long hair" calmly. and she just gave me her usual smirk. She smirks as if she is so good looking around me constantly. Its so exhausting. I'm only in my 30's not that it matters and my hair was shoulder length at the time. After she left it ate away at me and I blew up at her in a text. As usually she sent the text to my brother who act concerned how "mean" I am to her and she cut off talking to me for a year. The text was just out of hurt and that was not the only thing she did that visit that was messed up. I can talk to her on the phone ok but my feelings are still dismissed. Her latest thing is talking about how hard things are for "her generation" and how I don't fully understand because I'm older. I'm only 4 years older. I don't like seeing her in person because I feel horrible about myself. If I do see her I have a rule to never be alone with her because she will always be super nice if a third party is there and wouldn't dare say anything mean unless they walk away for a second. I wonder if your sister does similar stuff? I know I'm a unique and equally beautiful as everyone is a unique and beautiful soul like you. Your sister is not more beautiful then you please remember that. Maybe societies standards or her have made you feel this way but its impossible for anyone to be more beautiful than another. Don't let her get the best of you. You have your own unique beauty and light.

[sparrowfarfrom home]

Welcome Athena,

" Confused and Bruised "---I love that! So true.
My uBPD mom always saw my uBPD s as a poor victim (she's younger by 6 yrs).

John Gunderson was mentioned.  He and and Cynthia Berkowitz wrote a comprehensive paper on BPD Family Guidelines . National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder  is a great resource for all who are involved in this disorder. Their article plus others can be found there.

You may end up specializing in this due to the personal familiarity with BPD.

[heartandwhole]

We also have resources which feature Gunderson’s work:

Understanding and Treating BPD

Family Guidelines

heartandwhole

[sparrowfarfrom home]

Dear Athena,

You laid out your story with great deal of sensitivity and soul searching.

The world community has slowly but surely become more aware of BPD  in the years since I began getting support from this forum. And I see and feel it growing.

There is more recognition of what it is, how prevalent it is and how it impacts families.

This site helped me to build my sanity back up from the fog, and gave me a place to learn as well as a space to be heard and to listen.

I think you can be encouraged as you start out in your profession,  that more resources, and  organizations  are aware of the immensity  of this illness, and are trying to offer offer good support for the public's education.

As my family issues rise and fall, I also find myself going away and coming back to  BPD support resources that will help me.

As I do, I revisit the subject online, and find that more and more, the awareness I's growing about BPD and it's treatment for individuals and families.

I come from a place of deep hurt, yet I also hope to see awareness spread so that there can be less of us that become " Confused and Bruised " by these relationships.

I wish you continued insights on your journey ahead. 

[BabyButterfly]

Your sister sounds like a piece of work. What are you doing for yourself? Are you in therapy? Family of origin is usually implicated in the origins of BPD, so consider what effects that environment might have had on you--and that you may need care and healing also. I went into therapy five years ago, and have had an interesting time since then. One feature of my therapy experience has been realizing I'm strongly triggered by women with BPD, and dealing with those women in my life--eventually removing them from my life. There's a lot more to the story, but I believe having a close-in-age sibling with BPD has resulted in me being very triggered and reactive to BPD behaviors--trying to take responsibility and fix/heal them. I'm learning to let people be responsible for themselves.

You've done your best to alert your parents to your sister's behaviors and their possible influence on the family. I think that's all you can do for them directly. But you can do a lot indirectly with your inner work and becoming very grounded in relation to your family. Hang in there.