How long does it take to feel better etc after break up with BPD?

[Lsmw88]

Okay People,

I know it’s different for different folks but I’m just wondering does it start to feel better after a certain amount of time?

We have been officially split up for about five months now. I have made progress and feel like I’m getting better but the regress. Usually related to my perception to what she is doing. My friends keep saying to me she will never have a good life because of how she is and it will just be a vicious cycle unless she gets treated. I know this but having just come to the realisation she’s dating some one new I feel gutted and I don’t even know why? To the outside world I’m better off out but I still love her. I’ll never know for sure what is going on with her if she has completely moved on etc. But I really want to not care about her anymore. She’s in my head all day regardless of what I’m doing and I’m fed up of it now. Even when I’m busy or doing things that make me happy she’s there, I just feel happier because I’m not focused on her.
I love her and I wish things were different but they never will be so I want to know a) stop thinking of her and her new partner and how happy they are b) how to get her out my head ( I know that’s hard to do but still )
I have not been with anyone else since we broke up and have no desire too but I don’t know why... .just not interested

[HopelessBroken]

I completely understand how you feel. It’s exhausting to be so sad every day and have the racing thoughts of the BPD. Everything you did and said and didn’t do or say. For me it took medication which I didn’t want to do but had to. The thoughts were making me sick and depressed and hopeless. Also a therapist to see weekly who has experience in BPD.

[Cromwell]

Hi Lsmw88

I read that you love her, then theres the part that you wish to get to the stage of not caring, stop thinking about her.

I find it interesting because when I think of relationships I used to be in, and loved them, they arent thoughts that bother me or wish to go away. Its a recall of happy nostalgia, they go away themselves.
 
Love means something different to all of us, I had infactuation for my ex, I 'loved' her company, there was great rapport. I missed her at times after going NC, despite the problems that led to it. but I wasnt pining for lost love - the ruminations were something else, needed a different approach to resolve. If I hadnt discovered this, I see no reason why I wouldnt still be confused, in the same state that I was, and thinking about her and associating it with pining for lost love.

This is why there is no real answer to the question when trying to give a time frame, although I understand why you ask. There will be people out there who got over their BPDx within a week and never needed to come to a support group. On the other side, there will be those who have pined for a decade, perhaps some even to their deathbed.

I took my own route, seeked the support as best I could and applied suggestions as I went along. Its not something that can be copied and said "it took Cromwell a year, im almost there", it could have taken me 2minutes if id known back then what I know now.

Last week she wasnt in my mind at all, for some reason the thoughts came back to me yesterday and lasted 45minutes. Its hard to pinpoint even for ourselves when do we define that we feel better. I thought after 6 months I had made it, then out of nowhere I saw my ex, got back into contact, and everything I did so far seemed to have been for nothing, recovery uprooted and back to square one. (it wasnt really, but it did feel that way)

So this is just to confirm my belief from your very first sentence - its different for everyone, time to get better is undefined. I do believe there is a link between what type of choices are made to get better and speeding up the process. If I could go back in time there is many things I would have done better. Sitting in my room staring depressed at the ceiling for example was an unwise way to do it, in hindsight.

Im glad you start to feel better 5 months on Lsmw88, progressing. Im interested if there is anything you can share that discovered how to make things easier to cope with?

[once removed]

there are three components.

time will not heal your wounds. it will lessen the intensity of the pain of anything. if you sit in a room for six months and do nothing, you will feel better at the end of them than you do today. of course tending to your mental health, surrounding yourself with friends, seeing a therapist, getting back into your hobbies as well as learning new hobbies/skills are preferable things to do with your time than sitting in a room, and they will help.

the second is a mental and emotional component - accepting the loss, letting go of the relationship, and grieving it. it will be excruciating to reach that point. as bad off, and as deeply anxiety ridden as i was in the first months, when i let go i went into a dark depression. but that was the real start of my healing. if you lean into it, and you fully grieve, you will get through it.

the third is to learn from it. learning about BPD helps. it lends understanding to what weve been through and can help us depersonalize, take some of the sting out. learning more about ourselves and other people, and learning lessons to take into future relationships is critical. learn to be a stronger, more resilient, best version of yourself. it will take you far, long after the pain of this relationship ends.

you wont heal by telling yourself not to think or care about her. ever heard the saying about trying not to think of a pink elephant? you wont heal by finding a new relationship. many of us, including myself just took the baggage into the next relationship. you wont heal by telling yourself, or with a million people telling you youre better off. it is cold comfort against hope, love, and longing. you wont heal by keeping up with what shes doing, whether shes doing well or shes doing badly. youll just be tying the outcome of your healing and your future to her.

when youre ready, mourn and grieve the loss, and do so completely. it will break your heart to do so. and then things will get better. we will be here for you every step of the way 

[Lsmw88]

Hi Lsmw88

I read that you love her, then theres the part that you wish to get to the stage of not caring, stop thinking about her.

I find it interesting because when I think of relationships I used to be in, and loved them, they arent thoughts that bother me or wish to go away. Its a recall of happy nostalgia, they go away themselves.
 
Love means something different to all of us, I had infactuation for my ex, I 'loved' her company, there was great rapport. I missed her at times after going NC, despite the problems that led to it. but I wasnt pining for lost love - the ruminations were something else, needed a different approach to resolve. If I hadnt discovered this, I see no reason why I wouldnt still be confused, in the same state that I was, and thinking about her and associating it with pining for lost love.

This is why there is no real answer to the question when trying to give a time frame, although I understand why you ask. There will be people out there who got over their BPDx within a week and never needed to come to a support group. On the other side, there will be those who have pined for a decade, perhaps some even to their deathbed.

I took my own route, seeked the support as best I could and applied suggestions as I went along. Its not something that can be copied and said "it took Cromwell a year, im almost there", it could have taken me 2minutes if id known back then what I know now.

Last week she wasnt in my mind at all, for some reason the thoughts came back to me yesterday and lasted 45minutes. Its hard to pinpoint even for ourselves when do we define that we feel better. I thought after 6 months I had made it, then out of nowhere I saw my ex, got back into contact, and everything I did so far seemed to have been for nothing, recovery uprooted and back to square one. (it wasnt really, but it did feel that way)

So this is just to confirm my belief from your very first sentence - its different for everyone, time to get better is undefined. I do believe there is a link between what type of choices are made to get better and speeding up the process. If I could go back in time there is many things I would have done better. Sitting in my room staring depressed at the ceiling for example was an unwise way to do it, in hindsight.

Im glad you start to feel better 5 months on Lsmw88, progressing. Im interested if there is anything you can share that discovered how to make things easier to cope with?

Yes, I was expecting that given every person recovers at different rates from any break up but I know in this situation it takes longer.

In terms of what I’ve been doing, I’ve been making progress then taking massive steps back. I know I’ve been doing this because I’ve been too interested/jealous/upset about what she is doing. She on the other hand couldn’t give two ___s about me. It took me finding out she was seeing someone else for me to realise she really isn’t worth it. I am wasting my time and energy and as for the bad times in the relationship I’m pretty much over that... it’s the good memories that create pain because they re-ignite the delusion that things could of been different but in reality it never will be until she changes. I know that deep down all of her relationships will flounder until this day because no one will put up with it or she will press he self destruct button. As nasty as that sounds that helps me move on because I stop putting the blame on me.

Aside from this recent revelation Ive stopped stalking her social media in the last few days as that was making me really ill mentally and causing me pain. It’s all nonsense as we know, but it’s nonesense of high relevance in today’s society so we get swept along don’t we.
In terms of me I’ve been really focusing eating well, exercising, taking up new hobbies that I would not of done before I met her. I’ve suffered with anxiety all my life and I’m slowly breaking it down. I also meditate at least once a day which allows me to step away from my thoughts.
Finally, I have read a lot about the law of attraction. I’m slowly training my mind to think in a positive way even in the face of hard times. This is tough but what I focus on is expecting the power of my thoughts to get you what you want. If I expect it I commit to it.
I still get relapses all the time but I can feel myself changing as long as I shift my perspective from her and what she did/didn’t love about me and how she moved on so quick. As brutal as it sounds I let it motivate me to be better and live a great life just so I can throw the deuces up at her living in the same town doing the same ___. I’m not like that but you need that anger to fuel you to become better and actually evolve.

[Lsmw88]

there are three components.

time will not heal your wounds. it will lessen the intensity of the pain of anything. if you sit in a room for six months and do nothing, you will feel better at the end of them than you do today. of course tending to your mental health, surrounding yourself with friends, seeing a therapist, getting back into your hobbies as well as learning new hobbies/skills are preferable things to do with your time than sitting in a room, and they will help.

the second is a mental and emotional component - accepting the loss, letting go of the relationship, and grieving it. it will be excruciating to reach that point. as bad off, and as deeply anxiety ridden as i was in the first months, when i let go i went into a dark depression. but that was the real start of my healing. if you lean into it, and you fully grieve, you will get through it.

the third is to learn from it. learning about BPD helps. it lends understanding to what weve been through and can help us depersonalize, take some of the sting out. learning more about ourselves and other people, and learning lessons to take into future relationships is critical. learn to be a stronger, more resilient, best version of yourself. it will take you far, long after the pain of this relationship ends.

you wont heal by telling yourself not to think or care about her. ever heard the saying about trying not to think of a pink elephant? you wont heal by finding a new relationship. many of us, including myself just took the baggage into the next relationship. you wont heal by telling yourself, or with a million people telling you youre better off. it is cold comfort against hope, love, and longing. you wont heal by keeping up with what shes doing, whether shes doing well or shes doing badly. youll just be tying the outcome of your healing and your future to her.

when youre ready, mourn and grieve the loss, and do so completely. it will break your heart to do so. and then things will get better. we will be here for you every step of the way 

Yeh all so true especially about keeping up with her. I think I’d like things to be civil in the future as I’m learning to accept that she’s mentally ill... .however I think too much as happened with her in terms of how’s shes treated me. If she can treat me like that when we’re togwther what will she do if we’re friends?
As arrogant as it sounds I know she’ll be thinking in years to come I fuvked up  and I’ll be the best partner she’s ever had(in blank and white terms) but I also know she won’t regret it because she justifies everything especially when she’s distorted it, it’ll be me or the relationship. I know I am already a distant memory to her and that’s fine because I also know my life will only get better from this point no matter how hard it gets. I already know how hard and arduous it is.
I’ve decided I’m not gonna give up on life because of her. I’m gonna stand and go to war with my feelings. That’s how I view it, like a fight . And I don’t like losing

[Sirnut]

How long does it take to feel better? That’s a very good question and there’s no formula for the answer.

Someone earlier in the thread said that time, on it’s own, doesn’t heal the hurt, it just lessens the intensity. I feel sure that’s right. It’s like a light receding in the distance - it’s still there, but it gradually grows more dim as you get further away. The thing with BPD is that the person we become attached to isn’t like an ordinary light, they are like a laser and the impact they can have on us takes longer to fade than it might otherwise.

It’s an imperfect analogy I know, but to me it seems that this is what many of us are grappling with.

[EdR]

Hi!

In my first experience with BPD it took me quite a while. But the point of transition was quite clear: I wasn't scared to tell her back then how I felt and how I wanted things to return to normal. I tried everything.
At one point it just clicked: I didn't see her as this great girl anymore. I didn't feel like I could help her anymore. She became a memory. I didn't blame myself anymore, because I truly tried everything. I just didn't want her in my life. She was not good for me. She became 'learning material'.


My last experience with BPD/BPD traits was different. During our friendship, as it intensified, I even thought back of the first encounter with BPD. I was SO glad this girl proved that things could be different.
However, at a certain point she began exhibiting the weird behaviours and I was completely in denial. I couldn't believe this was BPD traits all over again. I continued to trust her and treat her normally. I WAS WRONG.
It took me a while to accept (I don't know if I even do now), but I was even more devastated than after my first experience. I didn't see this coming?
This last girl was far more insecure and gossipy though. And although the friendship seemed to return to normal at several instances, the betrayal was worse every single time!

This betrayal makes me way more cautious. Just look at my posts here. Anxiety levels go through the roof.
Because of this, I don't have the guts to tell her how I feel about this betrayal. I don't have the guts to honestly tell her I want to talk about it and try to return to normal.

I think that's a big part of why I just haven't reached that same point emotionally as I DID rrach in my first encounter... .

[Cromwell]

Aside from this recent revelation Ive stopped stalking her social media in the last few days as that was making me really ill mentally and causing me pain.

 I’m not like that but you need that anger to fuel you to become better and actually evolve.

I understand, I think its really wise of you not to - perhaps think of it as a small test that has shown emotions are still too raw and need worked on towards indifference. I could look at my exs social media now, I just cant justify to myself any point to, her life has become irrelevant and past history.

the little gem you gave on anger - its been a difficult submerged emotion for me to manage in the right way - your suggestions of even using it to leverage myself forward is so very rich advice, it took me awhile to find out myself - it doesnt get talked as much as love does on this board, it appears shyed away from as an undersirable emotion - I think its great, my workouts have been enhanced, a valid emotion that is excellent fuel source if channeled to a positive advantage. have a good day Lsmw88 I think so much of what your doing is going to work out great for you in the end.

[MeandThee29]

I think it took me about a year to feel good on an ongoing basis. It's not like the weeks of woe I suffered at first. One video I watched said about a year for each six years or less than you were together, so if that applies to me, I have three more years to go.

That was after a lot of counselling though and really opening myself up for help. I had been in counselling before to cope with mine's increasing BPD/NPD, but I had to really unburden myself and admit all of the areas where I was hurting. I was the subject of physical emotional abuse as a child, and it took me months to unpack that and then apply it to my personal situation. I had a lot of anxiety that I had to learn to manage, and I'm a codependent. Periodically I used alcohol in excess. So lots to work through. I even pursued multiple modalities. Now I'm just into "as needed" for counselling and attend a weekly group for codependency.

I'm still in occasional contact with mine for various reasons, and I usually stumble a bit when we interact. Now I know what I have to do though to get balanced again.

[Lsmw88]

I understand, I think its really wise of you not to - perhaps think of it as a small test that has shown emotions are still too raw and need worked on towards indifference. I could look at my exs social media now, I just cant justify to myself any point to, her life has become irrelevant and past history.

the little gem you gave on anger - its been a difficult submerged emotion for me to manage in the right way - your suggestions of even using it to leverage myself forward is so very rich advice, it took me awhile to find out myself - it doesnt get talked as much as love does on this board, it appears shyed away from as an undersirable emotion - I think its great, my workouts have been enhanced, a valid emotion that is excellent fuel source if channeled to a positive advantage. have a good day Lsmw88 I think so much of what your doing is going to work out great for you in the end.

Thanks man!

Yeh me too. It’s still hard and I get waves of sadness, anger and numbness to be honest. I agree with the other poster though when you stop seeing them as a great person and look at their actions and how they’ve treated you you don’t want them back. It’s the idea of them not the reality. She did make me feel amazing at points but then beyond awful at others. That’s abuse. The abusive behaviour is still with me.  I don’t really know anyone that would put up with her long term unless they were desperate or vulnerable.

[Cromwell]

Thanks man!

Yeh me too. It’s still hard and I get waves of sadness, anger and numbness to be honest. I agree with the other poster though when you stop seeing them as a great person and look at their actions and how they’ve treated you you don’t want them back. It’s the idea of them not the reality. She did make me feel amazing at points but then beyond awful at others. That’s abuse. The abusive behaviour is still with me.  I don’t really know anyone that would put up with her long term unless they were desperate or vulnerable.

sadness and anger good, numbness not so good.

My own recovery discovered that numbness was a state of not allowing to confront the underlying emotions that were bubbling beneath.

Anger didnt exist during the r/s, except that it did, It always got immediately repressed to the point of not conciously accepting its very existence.

Listen to the feelings, the key is how to channel and express them. Something I couldnt often do in the R/S.

is numbness the - absence of feeling - or is the activity of repressing feelings deemed as too difficult to confront at this moment in time? or is it something else?

my numbness is what led me back each time, not "her", but to be soothed from that state. Numbness, repressed anger, repressed deep pain being glossed over by more preferable "awesome" feelings instead.

[StayStrongNow]

I was with my uxBPDw for 14 years, since our forth child was diagnosed with a heart defect 6 years ago was when my X went full BPD. Her BPD has intensified more and more that now today she is now a full blown alcoholic.

We have three beautiful, smart and wonderful children so my hurt extends to them also.

So how long it takes you ask? I apologize to you for an answer you probably don’t want to read. It depends on you and how you being uniquely you will pull yourself through to a better place. The hurt might never really fully go away either ever.

But what I do want to tell you is another thing you probably don’t want to read and it’s about you present journey. Through all this that you are going through and you know you are not alone, this site is proof there are many like us among us, the journey and going through this hurt will benefit you someday and will make you much stronger of a person you will be than if you never met a person with BPD.

Someday, the clouds will clear, that sunshine will permeate and you will have mental clarity and objectivity about this whole thing. Persevere, the rewards will be good for you.

[JNChell]

Hey there, Lsmw88. First off,   and I’m sorry. I’m glad that you’re bringing your situation here to sort it out. You’re doing very well in doing that. As you participate here, you’ll begin to realize that your participation is helping others, but right now, let’s focus on you and your situation.

does it start to feel better after a certain amount of time?

I’m going to echo once removed here and pragmatically say no. Time isn’t a healer. Time can soothe pain, but it doesn’t heal it. Time only allows pain to become dormant again. Inflection and work heals. Time isn’t responsible for that.

I also want to echo Cromwell. Numbing it out will not help you. It might soothe you in the short term, but these feelings and this situation will return if you do this. It’s been scientifically proven.

My friends keep saying to me she will never have a good life because of how she is and it will just be a vicious cycle unless she gets treated.

They’re your friends for a reason, yes? Along with that, what do your instincts tell you? I’m 41 and am just now being taught by my T that I should trust my instincts. My gut. What does your gut tell you?

She’s in my head all day regardless of what I’m doing and I’m fed up of it now.

I’m so with you on this. The day becomes consumed with thoughts of her. It’s like we don’t even own our days anymore. I can reassure you that time will help with this, but again, time isn’t a cure.  

I’d like to direct you to the right side of this board. There is priceless information there. Go. Read it. Come back over here to discuss it, debate it or cuss us.  We’ll be here. Take care of yourself.

[Lsmw88]

Hey there, Lsmw88. First off,   and I’m sorry. I’m glad that you’re bringing your situation here to sort it out. You’re doing very well in doing that. As you participate here, you’ll begin to realize that your participation is helping others, but right now, let’s focus on you and your situation.

does it start to feel better after a certain amount of time?

I’m going to echo once removed here and pragmatically say no. Time isn’t a healer. Time can soothe pain, but it doesn’t heal it. Time only allows pain to become dormant again. Inflection and work heals. Time isn’t responsible for that.

I also want to echo Cromwell. Numbing it out will not help you. It might soothe you in the short term, but these feelings and this situation will return if you do this. It’s been scientifically proven.

My friends keep saying to me she will never have a good life because of how she is and it will just be a vicious cycle unless she gets treated.

They’re your friends for a reason, yes? Along with that, what do your instincts tell you? I’m 41 and am just now being taught by my T that I should trust my instincts. My gut. What does your gut tell you?

She’s in my head all day regardless of what I’m doing and I’m fed up of it now.

I’m so with you on this. The day becomes consumed with thoughts of her. It’s like we don’t even own our days anymore. I can reassure you that time will help with this, but again, time isn’t a cure.  

I’d like to direct you to the right side of this board. There is priceless information there. Go. Read it. Come back over here to discuss it, debate it or cuss us.  We’ll be here. Take care of yourself.

Hey,

Thanks for your replay. You say time doesn’t heal so in your experience what does?

What does my gut say? To begin with it told me she truly loved me. Now it tells me she doesn’t give a ___... and her actions match this. But I don’t know because she is quite messed up and has ignored me before and balled saying she’s trying to numb herself.

Time isn’t a cure to get her out my head so what is? Haha
This is weird to say but I’ve kind of really gone of sex and the thought of other people. I kind of feel welded to her and the thought of sleeping with another does nothing for me. People keep telling me to move on physically. Even though I know she has, I don’t feel like I want to. I still feel pretty down about her being with her others too and I hate the thought of it.

[JNChell]

Hi, Lsmw88.

You say time doesn’t heal so in your experience what does?

Acceptance of what is and trying as hard as I can to focus on myself. It’s hard work, but it’s worth the effort. It’s painful but very necessary. The work that I’m speaking of is about shifting your focus. You are feeling a great deal of pain due to what you experienced, and due to the eveventual end of your relationship. We understand this. We cry at night because we’ve experienced what you’re currently going through. This doesn’t minimize your pain. It makes it recognizable to everyone within this support group. It’s real and it hurts. This is where I was met with compassion and people that were eager to help me.

Time is not a healer. When it comes to situations like this, caring people are healers. Our friends and family. Most importantly ourselves.

What does my gut say? To begin with it told me she truly loved me. Now it tells me she doesn’t give a PLEASE READ... and her actions match this. But I don’t know because she is quite messed up and has ignored me before and balled saying she’s trying to numb herself.

Understood. Your instincts told you that she was in love with you, but now your instincts are telling you that she was not healthy for you. Or, perhaps you’re really listening to them now? This is good. I’m just now learning how to trust mine with the direction of a wonderful therapist. A trauma specialist. You see, I wasn’t allowed to trust my gut as a kid. Doing so would land me in hot water. Low and behold, I’ve been reminded how important it is to rely on my instincts. I’m 41 and it’s a new concept to grasp. Had I listened to my gut upon meeting my ex, I wouldn’t have my S3. So I’m kind of in limbo on my feelings there. I love my Son with every thread of my being. Maybe I was meant to be dropped on my ass and receive my child simotaniously. It comes down to my child. The rest is fodder.

Her actions are not a result of you. Her actions are a result of her past. You need to accept that you didn’t cause this. It sounds like she has deep seeded issues that only she can absolve. If she doesn’t decide to do this, then there is nothing that you can do to help her.

You are in the throes of deep pain, loneliness and suffering right now. I want you to know that it will get better. You will feel better over what is being discussed here. Time. Time will not heal, it will only create distance between you and what has hurt you. Does that make sense?

[once removed]

i think anyone who has seen the other side will tell you that the real healing comes with the personal growth.

theyd also tell you that cant come before mentally letting go, mourning, and grieving.

[StayStrongNow]

I always like to read your posts Once Removed. I agree completely, well put.

[SerendipityChild]

We all grieve and cope differently. Time will be our friend. In my case I
go through the emotions and feel them as they come no
matter how strong they are. There is no magic formula my friend.
Let it takes its course. I cried my heart out until I’m exhausted and drained. If I’m at my job I take short breaks or just lock
myself in my office to cry and ponder. The fact is that it is over and I needed to accept it no matter how painful. Take it one
Day at a time and practice mindfulness.
Lastly try to keep writing here. I can’t express how grateful enough I am for being here. Everyone is so supportive and I take their advice
to heart. It’s been 3 months, 3 days of NC and the pain gets lesser and
lesser.

[Struggler123]

My post is going to be a bit different. The posts on this thread have given you such good advice, that I feel like even a therapist would agree with the amount of support on this forum, healing can occur faster than you think.

Now lets start with some basics. You can’t put a price tag or a magical wish and make someone/something go away. The heart is a vital organ, the beauty of it is that it pumps blood and the rate can be affected by stress aka emotions. I think thats the beauty of it, to experience love is a both a blessing and a tragedy. Blessing, because it shows you what good things you would want from a relationship in the future. Tragedy because it shows you the things you would not want in a relationship. A wise friend on this forum, once told me, what good is a relationship if YOU’RE settling, notice the emphasis on YOU’RE. The idea of settling automatically indicates that the relationship will not have a future. You can push and push but ultimately the storm will come, but you know what comes after the storm? The sun, the rainbows and the ability to see yourself as a survivor.  As hard as it is to say this, have you noticed the pattern on the amount of BPD relationships that are successful and the amount that aren’t? Notice how most of them, requires one of the partners to settle with the fact that they will never have a 50/50 relationship, it will always be about the BPD and if theres no therapy invovled then its like walking in the dark not knowing where the sun will be.

Now coming back to your question, how much time does it take? Too long to count, and too less to measure. But, when you start understanding that it wasnt your fault, you did not cause it, and you could not cure it. You will start to understand, it was never about you and it wasn’t personal. Its the idea of acceptance. Now, that doesn’t mean bash your ex to the extend where you become someone your not. It means to accept that you loved parts of this person and there were some parts that you didnt like, but at the end it taught you more about what to look for in a partner and how to be the best version of yourself.  I think everyones struggle is unique in their own sense. Some people here are binded due to financial, family, kids and other obligations, so for them they may never feel 100% but they can feel that theres more to life then BPD. These 3 letters do not define anyone, and its only when we realize our self worth do we start to feel like ourselves again. I like to think of BPD as a struggle, a struggle to make another person love themselves, whom doesn’t want to or doesnt know how to. But, its wrong for us to not love ourselves, and not treat ourselves to be the best version of ourselves. Wish you the best. I stopped posting but, this made me reach out because I asked this question in different ways.