How Long Did Your Divorce Take to Settle?

[toomanydogs]

I know this won't be applicable to everyone, but... .
If you are now divorced, how long did it take?
TMD

[HopelessBroken]

From when I filed to signed 6 months.

[toomanydogs]

From when I filed to signed 6 months.

aaarrrggghhh.
it's been more than year so far. we have a court date for a pre-settlement conference october 4. i am beginning to think my STBX doesn't really want a divorce.
sigh.
TMD

[Panda39]

My SO's divorce from his uBPDxw took 2 years.

Custody of their 2 daughters made it complicated.

Panda39

[toomanydogs]

My SO's divorce from his uBPDxw took 2 years.

Custody of their 2 daughters made it complicated.

Panda39

Hi Panda,
 No kids, but there is money involved, so I guess that complicates it and makes it drag on. Oh well...
TMD

[david]

My ex filed in 2007. I believe Sept. We finally divorced in 2010. I believe Aug. Ex kept dragging things out until she had no more legal maneuvers. During the entire time she fought me over anything I participated in. Eventually I learned that fighting/discussing/reasoning/etc was an effort in futility. I learned to find solutions to everything she complained about. We have two kids so that did make things more difficult.
I still get accused of things through emails but I ignore them. The frequency is much less so I view that as a positive.

[GaGrl]

No PD involved, just a bad marriage... .9 months from separation, 7 months from filing. We took our time in custody arrangements, which worked out well.

[ForeverDad]

My ex had very favorable temp orders, two of them, one for the separation which order lapsed and another for the divorce case.  She had temp custody and temp majority time.  So she had every incentive to drag it out as long as she could.  We had to complete every step required by the court, she got a few continuances too.  Then on Trial Day, the full day was reserved for us, when no more delays were possible, when I arrived at court I was greeted with the news she was finally ready to settle.  The divorce case alone was 23.5 months, if including separation too then it was 28 months.  My lawyer had originally estimated 7-9 months.

[toomanydogs]

My ex had very favorable temp orders, two of them, one for the separation which order lapsed and another for the divorce case.  She had temp custody and temp majority time.  So she had every incentive to drag it out as long as she could.  We had to complete every step required by the court, she got a few continuances too.  Then on Trial Day, the full day was reserved for us, when no more delays were possible, when I arrived at court I was greeted with the news she was finally ready to settle.  The divorce case alone was 23.5 months, if including separation too then it was 28 months.  My lawyer had originally estimated 7-9 months.

I'm concerned mine could drag out like that. We have a pre-settlement conference (I don't need to attend) October 4. My lawyer has said that STBX and FIL will not want to go through discovery, so that we'll probably get a reasonable counter offer then. I hope so. Unfortunately, I know these people, and they aren't eager to do much for anyone, so I figure I've got at least another year before this thing settles.
TMD

[formflier]

Use discovery to your advantage.

Use what you believe they "don't want" to your advantage!


How is money flow and temp support going?

FF

[40days_in_desert]

Just under three years and one month before the scheduled court date and two days before a scheduled judicial settlement conference. Our divorce actually consisted of two cases in two states. We dismissed the first and I filed a few months later in the state where we now live. The most recent case that was finalized a few months ago was all due to my L and information gained through discovery. The discovery material I reference had to do with a FB data download. I don't think my ex knew at the time that she handed it over that the FB Messenger messages were included. Honestly, it would have been worth the risk for her to have deleted the conversation between her and her bf rather than turn it over. That's why I believe that she didn't know the Messenger data was included.
My L is awesome. We put together a strong game plan and stuck to that plan while adapting along the way when necessary. It helped that the ex kept providing ammo against herself.

[toomanydogs]

Use discovery to your advantage.

Use what you believe they "don't want" to your advantage!


How is money flow and temp support going?

FF

Thanks, FF!
Money flow is really tight. I ran up my credit card and didn't pay it down enough. I'm actually going to see if my bank might loan me money to clear out the credit card, so I have more of a cash flow.
Somewhere in the past week, I've turned a corner. I have no idea what will happen, where I'll live; however, I will be okay. I know that.
I am not religious in quite the same way you are--not much of a churchgoer--but my belief in God is strong, and I know that regardless of what happens, I'll be fine.
I don't know what they'll ask from me in discovery, I gave everything to them back in February, I think, but whatever... .
Thank you for all your support.   
TMD

[toomanydogs]

The discovery material I reference had to do with a FB data download. I don't think my ex knew at the time that she handed it over that the FB Messenger messages were included. Honestly, it would have been worth the risk for her to have deleted the conversation between her and her bf rather than turn it over. That's why I believe that she didn't know the Messenger data was included.
My L is awesome. We put together a strong game plan and stuck to that plan while adapting along the way when necessary. It helped that the ex kept providing ammo against herself.

Okay, first: 3 years? Oh, please God, get me out of this before 3 years. Thank you very much.

Discovery material FB messenger. Ah, maybe that's why I can't find anything online about my STBX. Probably his L told him to take stuff down.

I have a website/blog that I believe my STBX and FIL (or their lawyers) have been on. Maybe looking for incriminating posts?

The thing is, I'm a writer. And a fiction writer at that. I'm not sure what they think they'd find.
We'll see.

Thanks 40Days. I pray to God I'm done with this by 2019.  
TMD

[toomanydogs]

Oh, and FF:
What do you mean by

Use discovery to your advantage.

Use what you believe they "don't want" to your advantage!


Thanks!
TMD

[40days_in_desert]

TMD,

It was a little less than 3 years from the time the first case was filed in one state. We all lived there, she moved back to our "home" state with the kids under the guise of taking time apart to work on our marriage. She filed in the state where I still lived. She had been with an ex-boyfriend come to find out. We didn't get far in that case. We both had sub-par Ls and we mutually dismissed that case at the end of 2016. We both lived in our "home" state which made it logistically not feasible.
In the summer of 2018, I filed in our "home" state. I learned from the first case what I needed in a L and got an excellent one this time around. She had a sub-par L again. The second case took about a year start to finish. I was already past the learning curve and emotionally in a much better place the second time.
In the discovery process, there's something called Interrogatories and also Request to Produce Documentation. A FB data download was one of the many things that she asked for. It took three time extensions but my ex finally submitted the information. It was unbelievable what I read in those Messenger conversations with her bf.
Best of luck and prayers!

[formflier]

Oh, and FF:
What do you mean by

Use discovery to your advantage.

Use what you believe they "don't want" to your advantage!


Thanks!
TMD

Press for it... .press for a lot of it.  Especially the parts of finance and the relationship that you know they find uncomfortable.

So... .as they are looking at your discovery requests and going ... "oh crap... .this is going to suck... ."

They are also looking at your settlement offer and going "if I sign this... .I don't have to reveal through discovery (xyz)"

Basically... settlement means the pain is over for them.  Your job is to "squeeze the vice" and make sure they understand the pain... feel the pain... etc etc.

Now... .TMD... .remember this is me, FF and we've talked before about how "nice" of a person you are how "causing other people pain" isn't part of your personality.  And... I don't want you to change (permanently) your personality.

What you need is to "find your inner troll" and climb under the bridge.  The "bridge" is what they have to cross to go to trial and get a court to settle this.  Your job is to be a mean... .nasty... .long toothed... .scary looking troll that likes to eat those that cross "your bridge".

My prayer is that as they contemplate crossing "your bridge" they decide to "pay for the ticket" (settle on your terms... or close to it) so they don't have to cross your bridge. 

Thoughts?  Do you see the picture?

Clarity... .you eat everything that crosses the bridge... .which is a bit different than the actual story...

https://youtu.be/9JXPPi2Piaw

FF

[toomanydogs]

Press for it... .press for a lot of it.  Especially the parts of finance and the relationship that you know they find uncomfortable.

So... .as they are looking at your discovery requests and going ... "oh crap... .this is going to suck... ."

They are also looking at your settlement offer and going "if I sign this... .I don't have to reveal through discovery (xyz)"

Basically... settlement means the pain is over for them.  Your job is to "squeeze the vice" and make sure they understand the pain... feel the pain... etc etc.

Now... .TMD... .remember this is me, FF and we've talked before about how "nice" of a person you are how "causing other people pain" isn't part of your personality.  And... I don't want you to change (permanently) your personality.

What you need is to "find your inner troll" and climb under the bridge.  The "bridge" is what they have to cross to go to trial and get a court to settle this.  Your job is to be a mean... .nasty... .long toothed... .scary looking troll that likes to eat those that cross "your bridge".

My prayer is that as they contemplate crossing "your bridge" they decide to "pay for the ticket" (settle on your terms... or close to it) so they don't have to cross your bridge. 

Thoughts?  Do you see the picture?

Clarity... .you eat everything that crosses the bridge... .which is a bit different than the actual story...

https://youtu.be/9JXPPi2Piaw

FF

ahh, yes, FF, I see.

This is kind of what my L was implying when she told me she thought they wouldn't want to go through discovery.

My guess--and it's a fairly educated guess--is that there is even more money than was revealed in the prenup.

The reason this is a fairly educated guess is that when we were married (technically still are), my FIL's admin assistant (or office accountant, not sure of her title) took over as a trustee on a completely different trust that was never mentioned in the prenup.

Also I am fairly certain that my FIL has built up my STBX's retirement accounts although technically my STBX has never worked.

My FIL pays him a salary from my FIL's company although my STBX is not capable of working. FIL does so to get medical insurance for STBX.

I am expecting FIL will ask for an NDA. Remains to be seen.

I am really hoping they give me a reasonable counter offer. I'd prefer this is settled, and I'm not asking for anything extraordinary.

The only reason that the lump sum is high is that my family either dies very young, as was the case for my mother and a cousin, or we live well into our 90s.  That means the alimony needs to be stretched out for 30 years.

We'll see. And I am tapping into that inner troll, FF. Gotta tell you not everyone around me enjoys that inner troll and they'd prefer I return to being nice to everyone, even those who have treated me like   

No more. I am very very kind to my family and friends. Very kind to those who are kind to me. I reciprocate, but these people are not nice, not kind. So TMD, buckle down and keep that troll a'coming.

Thanks, FF

TMD

[formflier]

So... .discovery should include personal, corporate and trust tax returns for several years

"any and all" should be part of the language (I can't imagine your L would screw this up... just letting you know)

In my other life (not associated directly with BPD) FF was trying to cross a bridge on a legal matter and "they" were trying to "eat me".  I beat them.

Now... I've climbed under the bridge and I'm enjoying being a troll.  Just hung up with my L... .sending over more docs that "help set the dinner table"... ."they" are invited to "be dinner".  Of course... .they can "settle" and "decline my invitation".

 

FF

[formflier]

Of course you will do an NDA... .of course you will do  "covenant not to sue" and likely various other forms of "releases"

If you can get the settlement without those... .go for it, but it would be malpractice on the part of their lawyers... . 

Basically telling you this is "industry standard stuff"... .don't be shocked.   

FF

[flourdust]

Two years and counting. Roughly 1/3rd of that time was due to the court process - including delays due to overload. The rest was mostly due to my ex and her attorney slow-walking responses and discovery, missing deadlines, and generating frivolous objections that had to be ruled on (and dismissed) by an officer of the court.

A good chunk of the court process time was about determining the custody arrangements. This included the court ordering a parenting evaluation. It sounds like you might have a similar issue with finances -- complex finances, third parties involved, and the possibility of significant hidden assets -- you could ask for a financial evaluation by a forensic accountant. This could well be worth it in the end, but it will undoubtedly add months to your case.

[david]

My ex literally emptied our house of anything not nailed down. She moved to a rental unit and had many pictures on facebook of her new place. WE were still friends so I printed out all the pictures. She accused me of taking everything out of the house and making it look like she did it. I said nothing about the pictures. She filed a homeowners claim. Since we were both on the policy I received a letter basically saying you are not allowed to rob yourself and then make a claim. I had a really good laugh that day. That was in late 2007 early 2008. We finally had a court date in late 2010. WE had to go through equitable distribution. Ex made the same claims in her papers. She had four pages handwritten with valuations of all the material things. Her valuation came to 1.2 million dollars. My attorney questioned me about the valuation. I guessed it would total no more then $30,000. I told my attorney I would write the response. He wanted it at least two weeks before the meeting. I gave him my response. I basically agreed with the 1.2 million valuation and simply said she could keep all the things and just give me my half in cash. I could use the $600,000. My attorney liked it and went with it.
We went to the equitable distribution conference. Their side started first accusing me of horrible things. Eventually my attorney stopped it when her attorney started attacking me too. He pulled out a pile of pictures and hande two or three to exs' attorney along with the four pages handwritten by her client. They left the room and we settled within 20 minutes after that. It pretty much followed my proposal excluding the $600,000.

[DivDad]

My initial divorce from my uexBPDw took about 8 months.  We had a boilerplate parenting schedule. I was naive in thinking we were both looking after the best interest of our two children. The initial boilerplate schedule lasted a total of one month. 

Went back to court to nail down a detailed parenting schedule that included mediation, therapists, a court appointed parent coordinator and a guardian ad litem.  That process took another 11 months.  The results lasted about 3 months.

Went back to court again on parenting violations (contempt of court).  That lasted 5 months. 

 To answer your question as to how long does it take…it will come from determining what is happening in the “parallel life” of your STBx.  Boyfriend? Looking for another non BPD husband? Financial situation? Etc. etc.   In my case, the uexBPDw drove her court actions off of what she could drag out or manipulate to suit her needs and her “parallel life.”  Too, the “Final” divorce settlement might not be final.