Preparing for Confrontation Over Living Arrangements

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

The time is rapidly approaching for me to notify my stbx that my mom will be moving in with me around the end of this month.

My T and I spent most of my session this past week discussing how best to approach this notification, especially given her recent rant in this thread and blow-up in this thread.  My uBPDstbxw has long resented my relationship with my mother.  I know she is not going to want my mom to have the expanded opportunity to "indulge and spoil" the kids (it won't matter that my mom and I have already discussed a slight change in that particular dynamic).  And she is going to flat-out discount any reasonable explanation about me needing some financial support (more about that below).

My T is trying to help me spin this as best I can given her recent demands about sharing information with her as the other parent, and suggested I frame the notice in that context while still maintaining the boundaries over her not having a say.  She also suggested making it clear that this is not a permanent arrangement (it will probably be for two years until my mom retires). 

With that in mind, and in trying to remember the salient points in our discussion, I have put together the following draft note.  I could use some further input from the Family here.  I feel like I might have missed something from my conversation with my T, and would like suggestions in general.  I'm trying to keep it brief and to the point, but it feels like it might be missing something. 

Since you have requested to know when others might be caring for the kids, I wanted to let you know that my mom will be moving in with me within the next month.  This will not be a permanent arrangement, but it is what's right for me right now.  Aside from that, I will be sure to let you know if anyone outside of family is taking care of them. 

Given that I can finally let her know my mom will be living at the house, I am feeling a little more willing agree on letting her know when I go out of town.  Since my mom would be living with us, there would be zero reason to uproot the kids to go stay with my stbx when I'm out of town (except for her desire to spend more time with them, which is not her option).  Thoughts?

I can't get into the financial reasons behind my decision with my stbx because it will just open the door for way too many judgments and attacks from her.  She deeply resents my decision (interest, willingness, ability, and legal right) to keep the house, which prevents her from taking half the equity we had built up.  She conveniently ignores the amount of debt I have also taken off her shoulders to balance out the assets as part of equitable distribution.  All she sees is that she is restricted financially due to not having cash in hand and still being tied to the mortgage, therefore preventing her from opening any new credit cards or having more options for living arrangements.

I am under a time limit to refinance the house solely in my name by the end of 2019.  I had to negotiate that timeline mainly because of how much debt I ended up having to agree to and because of the child support I'm having to pay.  But even with the time that I have to work on that debt and rebuild my credit score,  the sheer amount and the impact of the child support on my cash flow have made me concerned about whether I could still qualify on my own.  Sharing the house and sharing some costs with my mom is my best route to mitigate that risk.

So in addition to the extra "exposure" of my kids to my mom, my needing financial help would really upset her and make her even more mad that I didn't just agree to what she wanted to do (sell the house).  She will probably also resent the fact that I am willing and able to go to my mom for this support--and that she's willing to give it.  I don't plan to get into these details with her, but at the same time I feel a strong urge for her to know. 

I want her to know--or more accurately, to take responsibility for--the fact that I'm having to pay off so much of the debt that she 1) was the primary cause for racking up in the first place, and 2) has been the primary reason we haven't paid more of it down, and that this debt is making me need that help.

But I also want her to know that it's the child support that I have to pay that's also causing me to need this help.  She is making it so that I need the help, because that calculation was based on an unreasonably low income amount used for her.  If it had been based on her true earning capacity--or even a more reasonable percentage of that earning capacity given that she recently started her own firm--I would probably still be carrying the bulk of expenses (including before and after school care, health insurance, etc.) but it would be much more even. 

So once the debt is paid down, and once she builds her earning capacity and is able to share the costs of the kids more evenly, I won't need that help any more.  But since I have support available, I'm going to take it, and I just need to buckle up for the inevitable reaction.

mw

[mama-wolf]

The time is rapidly approaching for me to notify my stbx that my mom will be moving in with me around the end of this month.

My T and I spent most of my session this past week discussing how best to approach this notification, especially given her recent rant in this thread and blow-up in this thread.  My uBPDstbxw has long resented my relationship with my mother.  I know she is not going to want my mom to have the expanded opportunity to "indulge and spoil" the kids (it won't matter that my mom and I have already discussed a slight change in that particular dynamic).  And she is going to flat-out discount any reasonable explanation about me needing some financial support (more about that below).

My T is trying to help me spin this as best I can given her recent demands about sharing information with her as the other parent, and suggested I frame the notice in that context while still maintaining the boundaries over her not having a say.  She also suggested making it clear that this is not a permanent arrangement (it will probably be for two years until my mom retires). 

With that in mind, and in trying to remember the salient points in our discussion, I have put together the following draft note.  I could use some further input from the Family here.  I feel like I might have missed something from my conversation with my T, and would like suggestions in general.  I'm trying to keep it brief and to the point, but it feels like it might be missing something. 

Since you have requested to know when others might be caring for the kids, I wanted to let you know that my mom will be moving in with me within the next month.  This will not be a permanent arrangement, but it is what's right for me right now.  Aside from that, I will be sure to let you know if anyone outside of family is taking care of them. 

Given that I can finally let her know my mom will be living at the house, I am feeling a little more willing agree on letting her know when I go out of town.  Since my mom would be living with us, there would be zero reason to uproot the kids to go stay with my stbx when I'm out of town (except for her desire to spend more time with them, which is not her option).  Thoughts?

I can't get into the financial reasons behind my decision with my stbx because it will just open the door for way too many judgments and attacks from her.  She deeply resents my decision (interest, willingness, ability, and legal right) to keep the house, which prevents her from taking half the equity we had built up.  She conveniently ignores the amount of debt I have also taken off her shoulders to balance out the assets as part of equitable distribution.  All she sees is that she is restricted financially due to not having cash in hand and still being tied to the mortgage, therefore preventing her from opening any new credit cards or having more options for living arrangements.

I am under a time limit to refinance the house solely in my name by the end of 2019.  I had to negotiate that timeline mainly because of how much debt I ended up having to agree to and because of the child support I'm having to pay.  But even with the time that I have to work on that debt and rebuild my credit score,  the sheer amount and the impact of the child support on my cash flow have made me concerned about whether I could still qualify on my own.  Sharing the house and sharing some costs with my mom is my best route to mitigate that risk.

So in addition to the extra "exposure" of my kids to my mom, my needing financial help would really upset her and make her even more mad that I didn't just agree to what she wanted to do (sell the house).  She will probably also resent the fact that I am willing and able to go to my mom for this support--and that she's willing to give it.  I don't plan to get into these details with her, but at the same time I feel a strong urge for her to know. 

I want her to know--or more accurately, to take responsibility for--the fact that I'm having to pay off so much of the debt that she 1) was the primary cause for racking up in the first place, and 2) has been the primary reason we haven't paid more of it down, and that this debt is making me need that help.

But I also want her to know that it's the child support that I have to pay that's also causing me to need this help.  She is making it so that I need the help, because that calculation was based on an unreasonably low income amount used for her.  If it had been based on her true earning capacity--or even a more reasonable percentage of that earning capacity given that she recently started her own firm--I would probably still be carrying the bulk of expenses (including before and after school care, health insurance, etc.) but it would be much more even. 

So once the debt is paid down, and once she builds her earning capacity and is able to share the costs of the kids more evenly, I won't need that help any more.  But since I have support available, I'm going to take it, and I just need to buckle up for the inevitable reaction.

mw

[livednlearned]

You have the right to set limits.

Just wanted to get that out there, in case you feel guilty about setting limits.

A lot of divorce/coparenting experts recommend setting strong limits during the first year post-divorce, especially when there is a high-conflict person involved.

Here are some thoughts about the note. It's good, I'm adding what I think the underlying message and intent that comes across. People with BPD tend to be exceptional at picking up on intent and misinterpreting language toward a negative bias. I pretty much stopped using the word "but" entirely in my emails.

Since you have requested to know when others might be caring for the kids, I wanted to let you know (you pushed my boundary earlier and it worked) that my mom will be moving in with me within the next month.  This will not be a permanent arrangement, but (ignore everything I just said, the next sentence is what really matters) it is what's right for me right now (I matter more than you, and more than the kids, you are in a one-down position).  Aside from that (aside from my needs being more important than yours), I will be sure to let you know if anyone outside of family is taking care of them (because I am giving in to your demands).  

I know you aren't saying those things, so maybe we can help you think of other ways to get your message across, making the target small.

It looks like my mom will be living with us temporarily, beginning next month (this is a new development, it's happening because I'm using the word "will". This means that when I'm traveling for work, the kids will be staying here with family (there are two facts here: one is that the kids will be staying here, the other is that my mom is family). Under the unlikely scenario that the kids stay with someone else, I will let you know (I will give you something, and I'm doing it because this other thing you don't like is now happening).

Thoughts?

[Panda39]

Since you have requested to know when others might be caring for the kids, I wanted to let you know that my mom will be moving in with me within the next month.  This will not be a permanent arrangement, but it is what's right for me right now. 

Aside from that, I will be sure to let you know if anyone outside of family is taking care of them. 
[/list]

Lnl gave you a good breakdown. 

In my read through, I don't think I would use the last sentence... .you could be promising something here that she could bring up over and over again, it also gives her a gateway into what goes on in your house (who are you having over... .hmmm is that a new girlfriend?) not that you have anything to hide, and not that she won't find out things from the kids, but you do have the right to live your life without her being in your business.  When the kids are with you, you decide who they see and when they are with her, she decides.  Unless you have a history of inviting ax murderers to babysit (which is what she is implying by trying to control here) you should not need to check in with her on this.  This is one of those, insinuations that you are a bad parent, my SO got these messages all the time, to me you don't have to respond to that.

Panda39

[david]

Lnl is not letting stbx read much into it.
The first sentence is a fact. You are simply informing her what you are doing. There is no discussion about it because you are doing it. If stbx tries to argue with you about it you can simply state the fact again. I only communicate with my ex through email so these things take place that way only.

The things in parentheses are not part of the notice and one is missing after "will".
 
The second sentence defines two good boundaries that stbx would have a difficult time to change in court if she decides to go that direction. She would have to prove your mom is a problem and the burden of proof would be on her not you. Otherwise, many families do what you are doing. It's normal and acceptable.

The third sentence also shows the courts that you are not trying to take time away from stbx or punish her. Again, I view these things strictly through the eye of the courts.

[david]

I only communicate through email because other forms of communication led to ex yelling, trying to belittle me, etc. If it is in an email it is there for all to see. All my replies are sent with the idea that a judge will be reading it at some point.
I learned that judges don't want to make decisions and would rather have both parents come to an agreement. If that is not possible then the judge would prefer one parent having reasonable solutions that address whatever issue you are having. The solution should apply to both parents.
It took me a year or more to figure out how to communicate to my ex with the minimal amount of triggering. Stating a fact would trigger ex. Once she actually called the police to complain about something. The police called me and I explained what I was doing. It was totally reasonable and the officer asked me to reach out to ex again. I sent another email telling her that I received a call from the police and repeated what I said before. Ex then sent an email to her attorney and cc'd it to me. She threatened to take me back to court. I did not respond to the threat and it went away.

[livednlearned]

Oops, david is right. I missed a parentheses.

This is the note, cleaned up.

It looks like my mom will be living with us temporarily, beginning next month. This means that when I'm traveling for work, the kids will be staying here with family. Under the unlikely scenario that the kids stay with someone else, I will let you know.

Or "I will do my best to let you know."

Or "If this arrangement changes, out of consideration for you I will let you know."

With my ex, I would never make promises or give him reasons to escalate things later. He didn't trust anyone, so it didn't help him to set myself up for that fall, which was all but inevitable whether I kept my word or not.

[ForeverDad]

Notice that none of the sample replies mentioned how long your mother might be living with you temporarily.  That would be too much information (TMI).  One risk we Nice Guys and Nice Gals have is that we are too ready to share information.  If there is a continuing relationship, yes that would be appropriate.  But if the relationship is over, then overall you share only information required.  Sharing more could end up sabotaging you.

[mama-wolf]

You have the right to set limits.

Just wanted to get that out there, in case you feel guilty about setting limits.

Thank you all for the responses, and LnL in particular for this.  Of course these days feel guilty about so much... .it's good to have reminders like these.  I also really appreciate the inserted translations!  It definitely helps reframe things... .

My T seemed to think there would be some value in acknowledging the reasonable portion of my stbx's request (knowing who is caring for the kids).  Here's another version that I hope incorporates her feedback along the suggestions here.  I included the reference about my mom actually selling her house because my stbx has known that was likely to happen soon.

Out of respect for your request to know when others might be taking care of the kids, I'm letting you know that my mom is selling her house and will be living with us temporarily, beginning later this month. This means that when I'm traveling for work, the kids will be staying at the house with family.  Under the unlikely scenario that the kids stay with someone else, I will let you know.

Is this better?

I won't get into timeframe in the note, but at some point I am sure it will come up with the kids, and will likely make it to my stbx through them.  But I'll try to keep that subject on general terms with them as long as I can.

I know that a major trigger for my stbx is the perception or possibility of not being treated as a full parent.  Another one--more tricky to deal with--is the possibility of he kids preferring to be with me (which they generally do--especially D9), and the possibility of that preference being encouraged in any way (which I don't do).  I frequently remind them that she is also their mom, and I try to help them think of her house as their home too.  When they--especially D9--complain about how my stbx reacts to them and gets angry, I listen, I try to validate their feelings, and we talk about how change is hard and how different people deal with feelings differently.  My stbx frequently comments that she "sure hopes" I do these things I mentioned, and I have gotten tired of reassuring her that I do.  I have said it enough.

Thanks again for the feedback, guidance, and reassurance!

mw

[babyducks]

hey mama wolf,

I hope you don't mind if I throw a thought into the mix.     

My P used to tell me that "less was more".    which was short hand for Less Emotional words More Chance for understanding.    She used to encourage me to do "hit and run" communications.    Brief.   Short.    Factual.    No possible tags or openings for an emotional exchange.

For that reason I would tweak what you wrote to:

Out of respect for your request   You requested to know when others might be taking care of the kids, I'm letting you know that my mom is selling her house and will be living with us temporarily, beginning later this month. This means that when I'm traveling for work, the kids will be staying at the house with family.  Under the unlikely scenario that the kids stay with someone else, I will let you know.

In my experience "out of respect for your request"  would have launched me and my ex right into 'oh finally you think you respect something I want'     or 'if you really respected what I want you would do XYZ",   or 'you have never once respected anything I want".     

I guess I am right there with LnL,... .make the target smaller.

'ducks

[david]

My ex used alienation tactics in the beginning and that time was very difficult since ex was trying to turn them away from me. Eventually, they saw things for what they were and figured who was on their side. They told me things like mom doesn't listen, mom gets angry over things they didn't understand, etc. Over time they opened up more to me and. The biggest reason, I discovered, was I was safe to talk to. I would listen and validate. I wasn't doing anything special. I was just being a parent.
Our last custody eval opened my eyes. The evaluator talked to both boys separately for about an hour each. After that ex and I had a meeting together. He started by saying that both boys said they loved both parents. The evaluator wanted to address the things he thought were the things he found concerning. I sat there for the entire time and listened. He said things that the kids said to me but hearing it from another person really opened my eyes. The thing that really stuck out was he asked both of them to describe a typical day at their moms and a typical day at their dads. He pointed out that, when talking about being at their moms, they never mentioned her or any interactions with her. They cooked for themselves or the older boy cooked for him and his brother. Mom was either sleeping, in her room, or went out when they were asked by the evaluator. They even woke up and went to school without seeing her ? They were in grade school and middle school at the time. Our boys were telling me that but it sounded different coming from the evaluator. They were avoiding her because they never knew what would cause her to explode. Ex pretended like this was something she couldn't understand because it wasn't the way she saw it.
In my situation "Out of respect for your request to know when others might be taking care of the kids" would trigger my ex and she would demand that whenever I am gone I must bring the boys to her. She wouldn't get past that point. Your situation may be different and that doesn't happen. If it does happen then you are learning how to communicate. It took me around two years before I could actually write an email with pretty good assurance that there were no triggers or landmines as I think of them. Even then I was not 100 % correct.
I received a call from our oldest sons school. He was in high school at the time. The nurse said he was nauseous, had chills, etc and could I pick him up. It was exs' custodial time and I explained that. The nurse said she called three times and left a voicemail but did not hear from his mom. I told her I would pick him up. I got there around 15 minutes later. He was obviously not feeling well. I took him home and he immediately went to bed. I emailed ex shortly after that to let her know what was going on. I simply stated facts. Ex is a nurse. She replied an hour or so later demanding I bring her son to her residence since it was her custodial time. I repeated my first email exactly adding that in the morning I would reassess the situation and let her know. She demanded again. I repeated. Hours later  was when I received a call from the police. Later that evening was when I received the cc'd email. Son felt better the next day but I decided he should stay home anyway. I emailed ex to let her know. That day happened to be my custodial day anyway so there was no argument from her about that. I don't know if her attorney actually talked to her or not.
I was fully prepared to go to court and see ex explain how I didn't handle our sick son properly. I had all the emails. We separated in 2007, divorced in 2010, and this incident occurred in 2015. I am so used to it I don't get phased at all. I am pleasantly surprised when things go smoothly in situations like this.
It used to be said on this site use the three to five sentence rule when communicating. You can write something, save it, and look at it later to condense or modify.

[livednlearned]

My T seemed to think there would be some value in acknowledging the reasonable portion of my stbx's request (knowing who is caring for the kids).

Yes, and I would also not draw more attention to it than necessary.

She may incorrectly think that pushing your boundaries is what got you to relent.

You want her to see you agree with her request on its own merits.  

I know that a major trigger for my stbx is the perception or possibility of not being treated as a full parent.

She feels in a one-down position, probably always. It must be hard to feel that way.

And the honest truth is, she probably is not hitting the mark as capably as you. Parenting is hard.

Being an adult is hard!

I admire you for working so hard to hit the sweet spot here. You may find it easier to reward her for being a full parent than appeasing her fears that she isn't.

"The kids had a good time going to the amusement park with you, and it was nice to see them happy and relaxed. Thanks for taking them"

is an ok way to assure her that she's a functioning parent.

On the other hand appeasing someone who feels less than rarely works and can often make things worse.

My stbx frequently comments that she "sure hopes" I do these things I mentioned, and I have gotten tired of reassuring her that I do.  I have said it enough.

Amen  

[mama-wolf]

I hope you don't mind if I throw a thought into the mix.     

Hi 'ducks!  Thank you for adding your thoughts!

It used to be said on this site use the three to five sentence rule when communicating. You can write something, save it, and look at it later to condense or modify.

Yes david, this board and its member are great for helping work through and condense things to the right level.

You may find it easier to reward her for being a full parent than appeasing her fears that she isn't.

LnL, your advice has been so helpful on all fronts.  I think I will try to find a way to do what you suggested here... .

So, at this point with all of the very valid points and insights offered, I have come to the following to send to my stbx tonight.  The kids took the news about my mom moving in pretty well.  Now we'll see how my stbx responds... .

You requested to know when others might be taking care of the kids, so I'm letting you know that my mom is selling her house and will be living with us temporarily, beginning later this month. This means that when I'm traveling for work, the kids will be staying at the house with family.  Under the unlikely scenario that the kids stay with someone else, I will let you know.

Thank you all again for all of the advice!  I will post an update on her response once it's received.  I'm pretty sure I'll need help processing it... .

mw

[formflier]

MW,

I would encourage you to "flip" the situation and think through how you would want it to be handled.

Can your ex allow a neighbor to come over and watch them for a period of time.

Does she have to ask you first?  Inform you later?

If you heard about it from your kids first... .is that ok with you?


The biggest thing that others have advised you on here is "less is more"  Whatever you decide to tell... .keep that in mind and it will likely help you.

I'll end with this.  Can you give a sentence or two about why even tell her at all if Mom is in your house?

What if someone comes for 1 week visit... will you inform here of this also?

1 month?

FF

[mama-wolf]

So far, no response to the notice about my mom moving in... .she read the note shortly after I sent it on Monday evening.  No mention of it so far from her, in spite of a separate email she sent to me asking why I declined an invite for S5 to attend a friend's birthday party while he's with me this weekend (she saw the RSVP on the Evite).

I would encourage you to "flip" the situation and think through how you would want it to be handled.

Hi FF--There are certainly some reasonable expectations buried in her demands, and I'm trying to be sensitive to that while also navigating the inevitable trigger landmines and attempts for her to control things on my end.  Ever since we had kids, our relationship has been characterized by her micromanaging my parenting, and it has only gotten worse over the years (among the other behaviors). 

Ultimately, I expect to be trusted as a parent to make sound decisions about the kids' care and safety.  And I know from her perspective, she is constantly demanding to be treated as a full parent--which she is--so I expect her to make sound decisions about those things as well.  (Let's set aside for a moment the issues with her BPD traits and treat this on the surface, because one thing I have never had any doubt about is her desire to keep the kids safe).

So, I am trying to establish a boundary for myself that is also something I can reasonably tolerate from her... .meaning, if she chooses to allow family to take care of the kids at some point, then I don't need to know about it ahead of time.  We have been part of each other's families for fifteen years.  I know and trust them.  And I expect to be able to do the same with my family and not have to constantly check in with her.  I don't quite give a rip if she trusts my family.

If someone else outside of family is going to take care of them, then sure I'd like the courtesy of knowing, and I know she would too.  I'm still grappling with how much I would want to share with her on that front (in the probably rare circumstances that it would ever happen).

Can you give a sentence or two about why even tell her at all if Mom is in your house?

What if someone comes for 1 week visit... will you inform here of this also?  1 month?

Since it would be an ongoing situation with my mom living with me at the house, I think it's reasonable to let my stbx know... .even if it's for no other reason than proactively defusing the reaction when she inevitably hears about it from the kids.  And/or ends up having to interact with my mom for a drop off, pick-up, or school event.

If I'm going to have a household guest overnight... .well, that's already covered in the custody order.  No overnight guests with whom we are romantically involved during our custodial time unless engaged or married to that person.  Otherwise, there's no restriction, and I'm not sure at the moment how much I would want to get into it with her by notifying her (though this still warrants more thought on what I would want to have shared with me).  If it were an extended visit, I would probably tell her though... .

mw

[ForeverDad]

There are certainly some reasonable expectations buried in her demands, and I'm trying to be sensitive to that while also navigating the inevitable trigger landmines and attempts for her to control things on my end.

And that is our dilemma.  We are guilted by 'reasonable' expectations yet the fact is it is slick manipulation since what she claims are reasonable are almost exclusively matters that are in her favor, the ex seldom if ever volunteers reasonable ideas if they're not in her favor.

[formflier]

MW

You are doing a great job "thinking this through". 

There is an element in here of "wanting to do for her, what you would want done for you".  (very reasonable on your part and a good relationship skill)

All that being said... .how has that worked out for you in the past?  Has she reciprocated?

And... what if you inform her (as a courtesy) and she says no?

Wouldn't it be a simpler use of your energy to deal with a landmine explosion after it happens, rather than trying to get in front of it?  (very common conundrum for those of us "dealing with" a pwBPD.)

I'll finish with this.  If a communication or notification is not required under the custody order, I'm having a hard time seeing "something added" being a good thing, especially if the additional communications reveals private details.

FF

[livednlearned]

It's pretty normal after a divorce to kinda experiment with what is/is not tolerable for you.

MW, you'll figure out over time what you have the strength for, how to take care of yourself, what that actually means in practice, how much to disclose.

You are never mean for withholding information.

It took me a few years to realize at some point I was writing emails to ex without it taking me three days and 5 people 

I started to recognize what it felt like, physically and emotionally, to feel good.

That made it easier to tell when I felt bad, physically and emotionally.

Feeling good feels better

I got better at having some handy phrases and skills in my toolbox to keep myself protected.

Keep doing what you're doing! 

At some point, the guilt about feeling good goes away and holding steady on your boundaries becomes less cerebral and more instinctive.

[worriedStepmom]

in spite of a separate email she sent to me asking why I declined an invite for S5 to attend a friend's birthday party while he's with me this weekend (she saw the RSVP on the Evite).

I hope you aren't responding to questions like that at all.  It's none of her business what your plans are.

[mama-wolf]

Amen, FD... .

There is an element in here of "wanting to do for her, what you would want done for you".  (very reasonable on your part and a good relationship skill)

All that being said... .how has that worked out for you in the past?  Has she reciprocated?

Well FF, she is the ultimate scorekeeper... .She certainly wants/expects me to do for her what she does for me.  The other way around is definitely more difficult for her to follow through on, especially when it requires actual effort, but she knows she can't hold me to her expectations without giving back--especially now that we're separated.  Before the separation, she used all manner of leverage and manipulation to get around it, but now she doesn't have that level of control over the situation.  Still, your point is a good one.

And... what if you inform her (as a courtesy) and she says no?

Ultimately, I will refer back to the custody order and move on.  We are having a Parent Coordinator appointed to facilitate in times of gridlock when we can't agree.  I asked for this in mediation, knowing how high conflict she can be.  He has already been selected, and the hearing to formally appoint him is on the 18th.  I know he can't force anything that's not in the custody order, and I otherwise expect him to help be a voice of reason (even for me if I'm digging my heels in unfairly).  I'm also signing release forms to ensure he can speak with D9's T and S5's new T... .and I'll sign one for him to talk to my T if it's necessary or beneficial!

I'll finish with this.  If a communication or notification is not required under the custody order, I'm having a hard time seeing "something added" being a good thing, especially if the additional communications reveals private details.

I think there's a balance to be had between total sharing (which I know she would prefer) and absolute minimum sharing/communication based on the custody order.  For the sake of maintaining as much civility as possible, I'm willing to seek that balance.  I know that what I consider reasonable will be far closer to that minimum than what she considers to be reasonable, but I will identify my boundaries and stick to them.  This is still a learning process for me, and that's why I find myself leaning so heavily on this community for feedback right now.

MW, you'll figure out over time what you have the strength for, how to take care of yourself, what that actually means in practice, how much to disclose.

Keep doing what you're doing! 

Thanks LnL!  The encouragement is needed and much appreciated!

I hope you aren't responding to questions like that at all.  It's none of her business what your plans are.

worriedStepmom, I didn't reply directly to the email she sent to me at my work with that question, no.  However, I was already going to let her know about my plan to take the kids to the beach for a couple days this weekend since it means S5 will miss his dance class on Saturday morning.  So, without acknowledging her email, I sent a brief note in the parenting portal saying I wanted to let her know in advance that I'm taking the kids to the beach, and that S5 will miss dance and the birthday party that he had been invited to.  No invitation for any commentary or opinion, and she hasn't responded though I know she has read it... .

And if I hadn't had anything like that planned, I would have just deleted the email and not responded at all.  I'm totally on board with the fact that my plans are none of her business, and thank you for the affirmation!

mw

[formflier]

Also keep in mind that more communications is more chances for that communications to be used as ammunition.

Perhaps this is something that could be tabled until the meeting with PC. 

Would you advise anyone in a high conflict divorce to do something not required "to help get civility"? or would you suggest that "going above and beyond" might fuel a sense of entitlement?

FF

[mama-wolf]

Would you advise anyone in a high conflict divorce to do something not required "to help get civility"? or would you suggest that "going above and beyond" might fuel a sense of entitlement?

I would say we each have to figure out what works for us in our unique situation comprised of our pwBPD's individual traits, our personal history and struggles, our individual boundaries, and our childrens' needs.  That we need to explore the resources and evaluate the guidance available from experienced members of the community, and make the best decision that we can for ourselves while acknowledging we may make some missteps.  And that in the end, no one can tell us for certain how it will work out and we will have to learn from the process ourselves.

mw

[worriedStepmom]

In all seriousness, you really do sound remarkably sane through all of this.  Divorce and learning to co-parent is HARD.  Doing with with an ex with BPD can be a nightmare.  Yet you consistently sound cheerful and compassionate and really ready to do what is best for your family.

I personally think you are over-communicating, but you seem reasonable enough to recognize and dial that back if your ex presses the advantage.

Many kudos to you.

[david]

You might want to save all emails.
I never knew what ex was going to accuse me of and an email may be all the proof I need.

[mama-wolf]

Thank you worriedStepmom... .I am still working on that balance between oversharing and complete lockdown, and really appreciate everyone trying to help me see where I might be tipping too far towards sharing too much.

Yet you consistently sound cheerful and compassionate and really ready to do what is best for your family.

I have to admit you made me laugh a little at this!  I certainly don't feel cheerful, but I'm trying not to let the negativity and cynicism drown me, so I guess I'm succeeding somewhat.  And compassion is very important to me.  It's much easier to show to others than to myself, but I that's one of many things I'm in therapy for... .

mw

[formflier]

I am still working on that balance between oversharing and complete lockdown, and really appreciate everyone trying to help me see where I might be tipping too far towards sharing too much.
 

   

That you are even asking yourself this question... .that you are challenging your own assumptions and that you are working on compassion for yourself are what I see that is bigtime good news for you and your future.

You are absolutely right that the nuance of your relationship will determine exactly how much you share and most likely that will shift over time as you and your ex shift and "get settled in" to your new roles, new boundaries, new relationships.

Keep up the good work!   

FF